Chapter 38
When SJ left Tanya’s she was on cloud ninety-nine, which was ninety times higher than cloud nine.
They were friends again, but it wasn’t as if they’d never been apart – it was better.
She felt as though the three of them were soldiers who’d survived being on the front line and had come through it stronger.
There was an unbreakable bond between them.
She felt so euphoric she had an urge to buy them both a present and so instead of heading back to Dorothy’s, she drove into the city centre, parked in a multi-storey and went shopping.
What should she buy them? Nothing over the top – something silly would probably be best. There would be plenty of time for serious presents.
She went into a card shop and was looking at the huge array of novelty teddies they had when someone brushed against her arm.
Glancing up, she realised in a heartbeat of shock that it was Kit.
He must be on a teddy hunt too. He looked as surprised to see her as she was to see him.
It was pretty silly really – they lived in the same area; at least she presumed he lived somewhere nearby.
In some ways it was amazing they hadn’t bumped into each other before.
Kit spoke first. ‘Hello, SJ, how’s it going?’
It was eleven months since she’d seen him, but his gravelly voice still did odd things to her insides.
She thought she’d got over all that. It was all very well being in lust with your counsellor when he was actively counselling you – it was almost inevitable, she’d consoled herself when she’d tried to get him out of her head afterwards – but discovering he still had the power to reduce her to a quivering wreck when she bumped into him in civvy street was unnerving.
She took an involuntary step backwards to get away from the force-field and just missed falling over a display stand of ruby wedding anniversary cards. There was obviously some sort of synchronicity at work, she thought, as Kit put out a hand to steady her.
It was the first time he had ever touched her and it felt like an electric shock – SJ had always thought electric shock moments in the romances she occasionally read were a bit of a cliché and must be rather unpleasant, but there was nothing unpleasant about this one.
She glanced up at him through her eyelashes – was she flirting?
– and said the first thing that came into her head. ‘Hey, Kit, do you fancy a coffee?’
Realising belatedly that this was a very bad idea because she’d be devastated if he said no, she racked her brain frantically for a way to retract it.
But as usual her brains had turned to mush in his presence and before she could think of a single phrase in the English language that sounded exactly like, ‘Do you fancy a coffee?’ but which actually meant something else entirely, she heard him say, easily, ‘Yeah, sure. Why not?’
Five minutes later, clutching her bag of teddies and feeling mightily relieved she’d dressed up and washed her hair to go to Tanya’s, she followed him into Starbucks.
‘You’re looking well,’ he said, as they sat with two steaming lattes in front of them. ‘So how’s life?’
God, he was gorgeous. She had to get a grip. Maybe this feeling was an after-effect of the euphoria she’d felt since leaving Tanya’s. She knew it wasn’t. It was down to him. Kit-induced euphoria – he’d always been able to evoke it by the bucket load – and he hadn’t lost the knack.
‘I’m great,’ she mumbled. ‘I’m fine – I’m…’ She was never this tongue tied. ‘Absolutely great. How are you? Who’s your teddy for?’ She knew she couldn’t have sounded more inane if she’d tried.
‘My sister’s just had a little girl – Chloe – so I’ve become an uncle for the first time. I’m going over to see them later.’
SJ realised with a sense of wonderment that it was the first bit of personal information he’d ever told her about himself. This rather put things in perspective. How could you possibly be in love with someone you didn’t even know? It had to be infatuation.
Feeling better now she’d got that sorted out, she told him about Tanya.
‘I couldn’t choose,’ she confessed, aware he was eyeing her bulging carrier curiously.
They both laughed and, more relaxed now, she found herself explaining about the visit and how much it meant to her that Tanya had agreed to see her.
It was odd sitting opposite him somewhere other than SAADD.
The balance had shifted. For once, it wasn’t SJ who was doing all the talking.
He seemed quite happy to talk about himself too when she prompted him.
They drank their lattes and ordered more and SJ was amazed when she looked at her watch and discovered two hours had flown past. She glanced at him, but he didn’t seem anxious to leave.
He hadn’t so much as checked his watch since they arrived.
‘Can I ask you something?’ she ventured, as the coffee shop emptied out around them. ‘Something personal, I mean?’
‘Something else personal, you mean,’ he corrected, but he was smiling so SJ carried on, encouraged.
‘It’s a bit more personal than what we’ve been talking about so far. You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.’
‘I won’t,’ he said. ‘But go ahead. Try me.’
‘When we first met I thought you might be a recovering alcoholic, like me – I mean, obviously not like me back then, because I was still a practising one. I mean like me now. But you’re not, are you?’
He gave a half shake of his head, but before he could say anything, she went on haltingly.
‘Yet you seemed to know how I felt all the time. What I’d do – how things would pan out. All the feelings and stuff. How did you know all that? Did you just go on a good training course?’
‘No. I didn’t need to.’ He held her gaze, his dark eyes steady. ‘Cocaine was my choice of drug, SJ. But there were other things – let’s say I had a misspent youth. A distant misspent youth,’ he added. ‘I stopped all that insanity – oooh, more than twelve years ago.’
‘Ah,’ she said, feeling a mixture of emotions. Pleasure that he’d trusted her enough to tell her now, and relief – which she decided was probably an odd reaction, but she’d have been terribly disappointed if he told her he’d just been on a training course and hadn’t really known how she felt.
‘Thanks for being so open,’ she said, feeling enormously touched.
‘My pleasure.’ He raised his eyebrows. ‘I think it’s possible to counsel addicts effectively without having been one yourself, but it’s easier if you’ve had some of the same experiences. There’s more identification.’
He leaned forward, put his chin in his hands and stared her out. ‘My turn to ask you something personal.’
‘Sure, go ahead, although I shouldn’t think there’s much you don’t know about me already, is there?’
‘Did you ever get things worked out with Tom? How’s married life, these days?’
SJ told him what she’d told Tanya and he nodded thoughtfully. ‘Are you seeing anyone else? Have you fallen for anyone in your meetings yet?’
‘No,’ she said, smiling. ‘I haven’t met anyone I wanted to fall for.’
Apart from you, she wanted to add. But she doubted he felt the same way. He was probably only being nice. He’d always been nice. And this catch-up chat was just a kind of unofficial extension to her aftercare plan.
‘In that case, how do you fancy doing this again? Having coffee, I mean – or maybe dinner? Say no if you don’t want to. I won’t be offended.’
‘I do want to,’ she blurted out before he decided to change his mind. ‘Very much. If you’re not too busy, I mean.’ Bugger, where had all her hard-earned self-respect gone? She’d almost bitten his hand off. ‘You’re not just asking me because you think it would be a good thing to do?’
‘I’m asking you because I enjoy your company – I always have. But neither of us was in a position to meet socially before. It wouldn’t have been… appropriate.’
As he spoke, he reached across and touched her hand, and she felt another million or so volts bolt up her arm.
‘And you think it’s appropriate now?’ Her voice was a husky whisper.
‘It wouldn’t have been if you were still with Tom. Or if I hadn’t left SAADD. But I’m not working there any more. They closed the place down a couple of months back – lack of funding.’
‘But that’s awful. What about those…’ She’d been going to say poor addicts, but instead she said, ‘…people who need to go there?’ She didn’t feel like a poor addict any more.
‘It’s not the only centre in London.’ Kit smiled at her. ‘Don’t worry.’
‘Are you working at another one now then?’
‘No, I’m working at the homeless shelter in Hackney – I thought it was time for a change.
’ He coughed and went on uncertainly. ‘I couldn’t counsel you again, even if you wanted me to – being as I’m no longer in the profession.
So it would be okay for us to meet again – socially, I mean. That’s if you wanted to?’
His fingers were still touching hers. It was incredible. Some good feelings at last – blotting out all the awful ones. She didn’t think she’d ever had such an amazing morning in her life.
‘Then yes,’ she added, looking up into his dark eyes and seeing herself reflected there. Not a faded sepia little person any more, but a full-size one – shiny and whole and strangely beautiful.