Chapter 7 Kira
KIRA
The moment I shut the door behind me, I leaned against it, exhaling like I’d been holding my breath for miles.
The apartment was dark, except for the soft amber glow of the lamp in the corner.
I kicked off my shoes by the mat, the sound dull against the hardwood floor, and I tried to shake the chill from my arms.
Then the door opened behind me. Great.
Xavier stepped inside without a word, closing it softly but firmly. His keys jingled in his pocket, the only sound in the silence.
“Xavier,” I said, not turning around yet. “I don’t want to fight tonight.”
“Too late,” he said, his voice low.
I turned slowly, facing him. The lines in his face were sharper in the soft light, eyes shadowed and unreadable. He ran a hand through his hair, then let it fall to his side.
“You could’ve just told me that you were with him.”
“I didn’t think it mattered.”
He laughed again, that same bitter note as before. “Right. It’s just your ex. No big deal.”
I moved past him toward the kitchen, needing space. Cool linoleum met the soles of my feet. From the cupboard, I took a glass and filled it with water, my hand trembling just enough to make the surface ripple.
“I wasn’t hiding it. We were picking up stuff for the community center. That’s it.”
“Don’t act like I’m crazy for being upset. You’ve barely talked to me these last few days. Then you spend the whole day with him and come home like everything’s fine.”
“Everything is fine,” I said, even though my brain screamed its protest. “Landon and I volunteer together. As long as there is a CCC, I will be there, and so will Landon. I don’t need to check in with you every time I talk to someone,” I snapped, setting the glass down harder than I meant to. Water sloshed over the rim.
“It’s not about checking in, Kira. It’s about us. About honesty. I don’t think you’ve been honest with me for a while now.”
I stared at him, the refrigerator’s low noise suddenly louder than it had any right to be. “What are you talking about?”
“Are you sleeping with him?”
The question knocked the breath right out of me. For a moment, I just stood there, stunned.
My jaw dropped slightly. “Are you serious?” My voice came out cold, almost sharp. “I can’t believe you’re even asking me that.”
He didn’t respond, just watched me with that same stony stillness he always slipped into when he was trying to stay calm. That only made it worse.
I turned from him and crossed the kitchen to lean against the counter, needing something solid beneath my hands. A burning sensation prickled behind my eyes, but I forced it down. I wasn’t going to cry. Not over this. Not now.
“No. I’m not sleeping with Landon,” I said tightly. “Of course I’m not.”
As I said it, a sinking sensation coiled low in my stomach. I had a feeling I knew where that question really came from.
“This isn’t about Landon, is it?” I asked, finally facing him again.
“He’s part of it.” Xavier’s jaw tightened, his lips a thin line as he exhaled through his nose. “You and I keep having the same issues, Kira. The last time I tried to initiate sex, it felt like you were cringing. I thought maybe you weren’t attracted to me, but…”
Attraction wasn’t the problem.
I knew Xavier was objectively attractive. He had that magnetic kind of presence, like he didn’t need to try to draw people in. His smile could charm a room, his body language always easy, confident, like he belonged wherever he stood. On paper, he was the kind of man people wanted.
But I wasn’t wired like most people.
My lack of sexual desire didn’t equate to a lack of attraction. That was what made me different from many other people. I couldn’t lust after someone I hadn’t formed an emotional connection with. It wasn’t about abs or jawlines or the way someone looked in a perfectly tailored suit.
I needed more—conversations that dug beneath the surface, moments of vulnerability, the kind of intimacy that couldn’t be captured in a single glance. Without that, no amount of physical attraction would spark the kind of fire Xavier wanted from me.
No matter how hard I tried these last few months, I was never able to build that connection with him.
“But what?” I asked.
“But then I saw the way you looked at him.”
I tensed, pressing my fingertips against the countertop.
“I don’t look at him with anything other than moderate to severe disdain,” I said, hoping sarcasm could mask the way my chest had gone hollow.
“That’s not true at all,” he said, his voice quieter now. “You looked at him like he used to be yours. Maybe still is.”
I averted my gaze, blinking fast, my eyes suddenly stinging. The floor seemed to tilt beneath my feet. A solid, unmovable lump formed in my throat, and I couldn’t force a single word around it.
“He’s not,” I finally said.
Xavier stepped closer to me. “If I were to kiss you right now, what would you say?”
I answered immediately, “Not right now.”
Arguing was tough enough on its own. Let’s not add kissing to the mix.
“Exactly.” He sounded frustrated and defeated. “Not right now. Not since Landon is back and volunteering with you every fucking week.” His shoulders dropped, the fight bleeding out of him all at once. “What do you want then?”
I didn’t have an answer. My heart was pounding, my palms still stung faintly from earlier, and all I could think was I don’t know. I didn’t know how to lie to myself anymore. But I didn’t know how to say the truth out loud either.
“I want space,” I said finally. The words felt small, but they echoed in the stillness.
Xavier stood there a moment longer, jaw tightening, before he nodded once. “Fine.” He walked to the door. “He left you once, Kira. What makes you think he won’t do it again?”
The soft creak of the door opening was followed by the hollow click as it closed again.
I sank into the couch, curling my legs under me, and let the silence press in. Why did it feel like everything in my life had gone to shit now that Landon was back? Everything had been perfectly easy, and now each day felt like an uphill battle.
The soft hum of my own muffled sobs filled the quiet space. I pressed my forehead to my knees as the tears came slowly, slipping past the cracks I’d tried so hard to seal shut.
Maybe all my problems are my own fault, I thought, the pressure settling heavy in my chest.
After a minute, I heard a bedroom door open and the shuffle of socked feet against the floor. Damn it. I had gotten so used to Macey always being on the road that I forgot she was home tonight. Maybe she was going to the kitchen for a snack. If I could get up quietly—
“Kira?”
My head snapped up. Standing in the dim light of the hallway was Macey, her blonde hair wild from an evident nap and her oversized sweatshirt hanging loose over plaid sweatpants.
“I heard crying,” Macey said softly, her brow furrowed in concern. “And, uh, Xavier yelling.”
I shook my head quickly, wiping at my damp cheeks with the sleeve of my jacket. “It’s nothing. I didn’t mean to wake you.”
Macey crossed the room in a few steps and lowered herself next to me on the couch. “You didn’t wake me. I was doomscrolling Instagram,” she admitted with a small shrug. “What’s wrong?”
I let out a shaky breath. “Xavier and I got into a fight.”
“I’m sorry, Kira.” Macey wrapped an arm around my shoulders. “Do you need me to send Noah’s fangirls to beat him up? I’d love the opportunity to send them away.”
“No.” I chuckled through a sob. “It’s just that he said a lot of true things. Everything Theo and Jae said was true, too. Maybe I am the problem. Every relationship I have falls apart. I don’t know why I can’t suck it up and sleep with—”
“Hey, don’t finish that sentence,” Macey interrupted gently but firmly.
“You’re not the problem. Relationships are messy and complicated.
If Xavier doesn’t understand you, then he doesn’t deserve you.
” She pulled back slightly to look at me, her hands resting on my shoulders. “What is this really about?”
“It’s hard to explain.” I paused, hiccupping as Macey waited patiently.
“It’s like…I need to feel this deep connection before I can even think about having sex, let alone good sex.
And most guys don’t get it. They think I’m leading them on, or being difficult, or”—I waved my hands, searching for the right words—“too problematic.”
“Anything that makes you who you are is not a problem. The right man for you will realize that the things that make you feel insecure are a privilege, not a problem, to have.”
I sniffled, pressing my palms against my eyes. “It doesn’t feel like a privilege to have something wrong with me.”
Macey sighed and squeezed my shoulders. “There’s nothing wrong with you. You just love deeply.” She nudged my chin up so I’d look at her. “And if anyone makes you feel like you have to apologize for that, then fuck them.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat. “I’m tired of this ruining my relationships.”
“You’ll find someone who speaks your love language,” she reassured me. “You need more than surface-level attraction, and that’s okay. That means the right person is going to be someone who sees and understands you.”
I pulled a blanket over my lap, gripping onto it for dear life. “What if that person had a chance and ruined it?”
“Then you can marry me, and we’ll live happily ever after. Forget boys.” She paused for a moment. “Or you can consider forgiving that person.”
“You think I should forgive Landon?”
Macey had never hid her opinions of Landon.
Back in high school, she was our top supporter.
Head of the Kira and Landon fan club. She nominated us for prom queen and king and created an entire campaign to get support from voters at school.
Her obsession may have been over the top, but I appreciated the gesture.