Chapter 17 Kira
KIRA
The Burrow Bitches
Britney: girls night girls night
Kira: We’ve got snacks, wine, and activities at the ready.
Ariadne: I’m running a little late.
Macey: That’s okay!
Britney: i’m outside your door
Everything about tonight screamed vibes. The soft glow of string lights in the apartment Macey and I shared. The smell of fresh popcorn. The overpriced candle burning on the coffee table.
In the background, a carefully curated playlist of upbeat pop songs played softly, interrupted by the loud laughter of the four of us sprawled across the living room furniture. I dipped my paintbrush into a blob of yellow paint, then drew gentle swirls onto the wine glass in front of me.
“I needed this girls’ night.” Ariadne sighed. Her brown hair was coming undone out of her bun, and she adjusted a few curls. “I love my family, but my cousin and her three kids are in town. We can’t have five minutes of silence, I swear.”
Personally, I didn’t see a problem with living with your family in your twenties—the economy stunk and Chicago was expensive—but it must be difficult when your extended family constantly visited.
Ariadne never invited us over to her place, but at least she brought us homemade baklava every once in a while.
“You just need to find a get-rich-quick scheme, then move out,” suggested Macey, who had temporarily abandoned painting her wine glass, scrolling through her Instagram DMs instead.
Ariadne pursed her lips and dropped her paintbrush on the table. “So simple. Why didn’t I think of that?”
“You can marry me for money,” Britney offered.
She hadn’t bothered to paint a wine glass, claiming if it couldn’t go in the dishwasher, then “she didn’t want it.
” She did, however, show up at our door with freshly baked cookies from The Velvet Whisk, our favorite bakery downtown, so she was forgiven.
I laughed, swirling my paintbrush into a cup of water. “Are you not in a crazy amount of debt?”
Law school was expensive. I would know. It was one of the many options my parents had researched for me while I was still in high school. Even though I did well academically, I didn’t want to stay in school any longer than I needed to. One bachelor’s degree was enough for me, thank you very much.
“Yeah, but one day I’ll be a super successful lawyer who can pay off our marriage debt,” Britney countered. She sat on the floor, stretching her legs in front of her, toes wiggling.
Ariadne eyed her. “What will Bobby say about that?”
Britney shrugged. “We’re casual. I could get married tomorrow and he wouldn’t be bothered.”
“As tempting as marrying you tomorrow is”—Ariadne admired her wine glass, its surface dotted with tiny painted snowflakes—“maybe I’ll make my fortune hanging wine glass art in galleries.”
“Speaking of galleries…” Macey dropped her phone and turned her attention to me with a sneaky grin. “Any updates you’d like to share with the class, Kira?”
Silence settled over us like the hush in Britney’s future courtroom, heavy and impossible to ignore.
While still focused on my wine glass, I answered, “I’ve finished two of my three samples for the artist residency I told you guys about. If I’m selected, I get free classes, a mentor, private studio space, and a lot of chances to sell my work. Maybe a job at the end, if I’m lucky.”
“That’s amazing!” Ariadne said.
Britney scooted closer to me and set her chin on my knee. “I’m really proud of you. I know how scary the leap must be.”
I glanced down at her—the genuine beams in her green eyes, freckles dotting her face—and flicked her nose with a smile.
Britney wrinkled her nose and asked, “What’s the whole process?”
“I have to submit three works of art centered on the theme of identity,” I explained. “One painting, one drawing, and one mixed-media piece. I also have to submit a statement of purpose and two letters of recommendation.”
The statement of purpose was still a work in progress, but fortunately, when I emailed my old art teacher, Mr. Pollard, he was more than happy to provide a letter of recommendation. Mary had gleefully agreed to write me the second letter.
“Have you finished the samples?” Ariadne asked.
“I finished my painting and drawing. The mixed-media piece is still a work in progress.” In other words, I had no idea what I was going to do.
Ariadne waved her hand. “You’ll get it done. That’s such an exciting update.”
“Thanks.” I paused. “But that might not be the biggest update I have.”
They all stared at me.
“Landon and I are dating.”
Ariadne’s jaw dropped. “I’m sorry, did I miss a chapter?”
“I thought we hated him almost as much as we hated the art room destroyer ex.” Britney seemed confused.
Macey only watched knowingly. I hadn’t given her a Landon update in a while, but somehow, she had figured it out. I swear, those half-million followers on Instagram were like flies on the wall.
“We don’t hate him anymore,” I admitted, well aware that I never hated Landon. Disliked? Sure. Angry at? Definitely. Hate? Never.
“Is it like a reconnect and hookup thing?” Britney asked.
“No,” I answered immediately, my cheeks heating. “We haven’t hooked up. Not in years, anyways.”
“What happened?” Ariadne asked.
“There wasn’t much to it, really. I told him I would give him a second chance.”
Both Britney and Ariadne opened their mouths, likely with further questions about our relationship, but Macey interrupted. “The most important question is: Are you happy?”
I considered it. Was I happy? Being with Landon made me less anxious and less on edge when compared to my other relationships. Our future was still uncertain, though. I didn’t think I would be completely happy until I knew where my future lay.
A text buzzed on my phone.
Landon: I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you.
Landon: Not that that’s anything new.
In the end, my answer didn’t require much thinking. “I’m on a really good path to happiness.”
Macey tilted her head, satisfied. “Then that’s all that matters.”
Kira: What are you thinking about?
His response was immediate.
Landon: Kissing you. The way you always smell like lavender. Touching your face.
Kira: Only my face?
If this text had come from anyone else, I would have shrunk back into myself. I definitely would not have responded so boldly.
These were normal texts between people who dated, I rationally knew. I’d read enough romance books to understand the mechanics of sexting.
With past boyfriends, something inside of me cringed whenever there was any dirty talk. I always knew why. It was because dirty talk led to touching and touching led to sex and sex led me to anxious feelings.
It used to make me feel broken. Why didn’t I enjoy any of those things when every romance book and movie ever created pointed to sex as being some of the best things you could experience?
There must have been a neuron or an atom or something scientific missing inside my brain that caused me to rarely crave it.
Now I was coming to terms with it. Perhaps I was wired a little differently than everyone around me, but that didn’t mean I was broken.
I could still experience all of those things.
Admittedly, it couldn’t be with just anyone.
It had to be with someone truly special, who I cared about deeply, like Landon.
No matter how I’d tried to force it over the years, I couldn’t make myself fall in love with anyone else.
Sex for me didn’t work without feelings. Feelings deep enough to tether me to the other person. If I didn’t love the person I was with, then all I would feel about sex was anxiety.
But with Landon? I wanted it all.
I wanted to wake up holding his hand. I wanted to have sickly sweet dreams about us growing old together.
I wanted to explore his body and have him explore mine.
Make him come undone with my hands and then with my mouth too.
We could spend long nights together, naked between the bedsheets and then clean each other off in the shower, and then—
“Kira?”
All three of my friends stared at me expectedly. My phone buzzed again, and I was dying to check it, but I knew I had already missed a question.
I blinked. “What happened?”
Britney pretended like she had just been stabbed in the chest. “We’ve lost another brave soldier to the daydreaming of a man.”
I rolled my eyes. “You guys are ridiculous.”
“Maybe,” said Ariadne. “But we know a lovey-dovey face when we see one. We’ll be taking that as our cue to go.”
“Oh, you don’t have to go,” I said, annoyed at myself for ruining the night.
“Don’t worry.” Britney patted my shoulder. “I need to study before bed anyways.”
“And I need to go find the strongest earplugs in the world before attempting to sleep tonight,” said Ariadne.
Macey and I walked them to the door, where we exchanged hugs. I pulled their sweaters off the hanger and passed them over. “Okay, but don’t forget about the mural painting tomorrow.”
“We’ll be there,” Ariadne assured me.
“Can’t wait to meet your boyfriend!” Britney winked as the door shut.
It was just the two of us again, and we immediately jumped into tidying up the living room.
“Tomorrow should be interesting,” Macey said lightly.
We were finishing the mural at the diner tomorrow, and I thought it would be nice to complete it in the presence of family and friends. Everyone could have a role in it. My friends meeting Landon, my boyfriend, was a side effect I hadn’t considered until now.
“Yeah, it’s exciting.” I dropped the paintbrushes and cups into the sink. “The diner will be ready to open soon.”
“That is exciting, but not what I was referring to.” Macey wiped down the table with a washcloth. “You and Landon, back together again. Can’t say I didn’t see it coming.”
I rinsed off the cups, putting everything in its rightful spot on the drying rack. “Looking back, it was kind of inevitable.”
“Sometimes, love is like that.”
We finished cleaning the apartment in silence. “Good night, Macey.”