Chapter 19
Honey
‘Well, ain’t this cute,’ Sawyer’s drawl cuts right through my conversation with Parker as he appears at the end of our booth.
Obviously, he’s smirking at us both under that thick moustache of his, arms crossed and tensing plenty so that his biceps are bulging out of his T-shirt.
The angle of his head has a loose strand of hair falling endearingly over his forehead.
He’s the perfect picture of the devil, hard edges and a torturously handsome grin highlighted in red by the glow of the neon signs around the bar.
Temptation wrapped up in Wranglers and boots and it has my body buzzing.
The only problem—there’s a beautiful woman hanging by his side. The one he’s been talking to at the bar for the last half hour while Wolfman chats with her friend. She’s in a tight little low-cut sweater dress and knee-high boots that emphasise her long legs.
And to make matters worse, she’s blonde. He never dates blondes. I’ve seen enough social media and news articles over the years and heard enough small town gossip since I’ve been back to know that he’s never been seen with a blonde.
Except for tonight.
I shouldn’t take it personally, but it’s a knife in the gut regardless. A hammer shattering the illusion that I might be the reason he never dated blondes. That I might still hold a place in his heart.
Parker’s sigh is telling enough as he slowly looks up at Sawyer. It only makes Sawyer’s grin spread further.
‘Like a little high school reunion,’ Sawyer teases, before he unexpectedly scoots into the booth beside me. He gestures to the seat next to Parker for the woman to sit in. ‘You remember Tara, right?’
‘Hey, y’all.’ Tara waves and flashes us all a sweet smile.
Taking up as much space as possible, Sawyer stretches his arm out across the back of the booth behind me, oddly claiming considering the woman he just picked up is here.
Still, the sudden heat of him next to me, the momentary brush of his solid thigh against mine, sends a jolt of warmth through me and I have to shuffle slightly away.
This is why I had to come out tonight—to give my body some respite from him.
I knew being left alone with Sawyer for the weekend was never going to be easy when I originally organised for my mom to look after Noah, but that was before that night on the back deck.
Now I can’t go a second seeing him without hearing the words he hummed against my neck or remembering the way he curled his fingers—
Don’t go there, Honey.
Not when he’s likely about to do those very things with the beautiful woman sat opposite, and probably a couple of other women when he’s away at the bull-riding event this weekend.
This is not how I wanted my evening to go.
I wanted my mind off him. Off the fact that I still need to break the news that my apartment is ready, and we can go home. Off the fact that my understanding of home is all muddled—that my apartment feels just as much like home as Lucky Star. As him.
‘Sawyer.’ Parker gives a terse nod.
‘Parker.’ Sawyer throws out a saccharine smile. ‘I don’t usually see you around here. And I’m here a lot. Especially on Fridays.’
Incredulity laces his tone and it helps me confirm what I’d also figured—that Parker might’ve made up the story that the staff met for drinks. I did wonder why I hadn’t been invited before.
And as sweet as it might be that Parker wanted to spend time with me, I’m just not interested in him that way, even if he is a relatively attractive guy, all clean shaven with gelled-back brown hair.
I’m not interested in dating full stop. Still, he’s a colleague and a nice guy, so I’ve been friendly, and it’s been nice making light conversation and listening to his jokes.
I don’t really have a lot of friends yet …
Wait—is that why Sawyer’s here?
Surely he’s not … jealous.
No, he literally brought a woman over. Practically paraded her through the bar for everyone to see. For me to see.
I narrow my eyes at him. What is he playing at? He knew I’d be here. He’s been sat a few booths down for the past hour. So why is he only coming over now?
‘Um, well—’ Parker starts, sputtering. He scratches his head. ‘I occasionally come out for drinks with the other teachers. You must miss us when you’re on the road.’
‘Oh,’ Sawyer perks a brow, a hint of venom in his words as he asks, ‘are the rest of them joining you then?’
Parker’s eyes dart to me and his voice lacks substance as he says, ‘Should be.’
Sawyer clinks his beer bottle against Parker’s glass, trying to grab his attention. ‘Well, while we wait—you like games, Parker?’
Parker stares at the table for a beat, then shrugs, defeat washing over his face. ‘Sure, why not.’
‘Can we play Never Have I Ever?’ Tara suggests, sipping on the straw in her drink rather suggestively.
‘My favourite.’ Sawyer’s face lights up as Tara takes way too much of the straw into her mouth and I force my eyes away, just so no one can see how they roll. I hope she chokes.
‘I’m not drinking,’ I explain, holding up my glass of water.
‘That’s fine, Blue. You can still play,’ Sawyer says.
‘Blue?’ Parker asks, brow furrowed as his eyes dart between us.
‘Right,’ Sawyer presses on, ignoring Parker’s confusion. ‘Remember, it’s things you haven’t done, so this should be easy for you, Parker.’
That makes Parker sigh and I kick Sawyer’s leg under the table—he doesn’t need to be mean. He turns a roguish grin to me, challenge bright in his eyes. He even raises his brows teasingly, before suggesting, ‘How ’bout we let the lovely Tara go first seeing as she suggested the game?’
Tara bounces in her seat with joy, long, thick hair floating about. She worries her lip as she drops into deep thought, her mouth all shiny with lip gloss, then suddenly announces, ‘Never have I ever had sex in a bar.’
Expectedly, Sawyer is the only one that drinks, and I try to ignore the way my skin heats at the thought.
For all I know it was in the restroom I used earlier, and now my skin crawls even more.
I know he’s been with countless women. I know what he’s like.
So, I don’t know why the idea that he’s touched anyone but me is suddenly so jarring.
Maybe it’s because the way he touched me so devotedly last weekend, played with me until I was trembling in his hands, made me feel like the only girl in the world.
Now my jaw is aching from how much I’m tensing when Sawyer winks at Tara and says, ‘No worries, darlin’. I’m sure we can right that.’
Tara giggles, sucking on that straw too much again.
Sawyer gestures his beer towards Parker. ‘Your turn.’
‘Okay, um …’ The light has dimmed in Parker’s eyes which makes me glad I’m not the only one waiting for this to end. Though, the way his gaze keeps dipping down to Tara’s low-cut neckline says he’s getting more out of it than I am. ‘Never have I ever been arrested.’
Both Sawyer and Tara drink this time, and Sawyer leans forward, arm brushing the back of my shoulders as he moves.
Still, even as he gets closer to Tara, his fingers toy with the ends of my hair, like he needs to be touching me, and I’m reminded of how they raked through it earlier. How he called me beautiful.
Ugh. This is a mindfuck and a half I don’t need.
‘What the hell did you get arrested for?’ he asks Tara.
She grins, all feline with batting lashes. ‘Public nudity.’
Oh, give me a break.
Actually—no, this is a good reminder of why nothing can ever happen between Sawyer and me.
I’m never going to be arrested, never going to be having sex with strangers in random bars, never going to be the wild and care-free woman he needs.
I’m the mom who likes to curl up on the couch with a book or with my son while we watch some cheesy film, who likes to spend a cold autumn day playing catch outside with Noah and the man I—
‘Honey?’ Sawyer’s thigh presses into mine again. Harder. ‘Your go.’
My eyes catch his, and I see it then—the desperation behind all that bravado, the torment behind his wickedness.
The possessiveness for me—that this is merely all a game to him to win me back.
And it wouldn’t be hard, not when staring into his chestnut eyes for more than a second, knowing they must see the same memories I do every time we lock gazes, has my body inching closer by its own volition.
I hate that I’m so drawn to him. That being around him usually feels effortless and freeing when we’re at home.
Yet, I can’t shake the need to run away.
To push him back because I know the heartbreak, the pain, that comes from loving him.
I got burned for thinking we could ever be right for each other before.
So, I square my shoulders, fighting back against the gentle way he touches me, and I try one more time for good to push him away. ‘Never have I ever been in love.’
The muscle feathering in his jaw is the only evidence that I’ve hurt him, and I hate that it has to end with me doing this again. Forcing him back. Lying about how I truly feel.
It’s why I suddenly stand, unable to look at him any longer and announce, ‘Excuse me, I need to use the restroom.’
I hold my chin high and wait for Sawyer to slide out of the booth, trying to ignore the weight of both Tara and Parker’s stares on me. Even after I climb out, my hands shaking with too much emotion, I don’t look back, just flee through the crowd, making a beeline for the restrooms.
As soon as I’m out of the throng of people busying about on a Friday night and down the corridor where the restrooms sit, I lean back against one of the walls, letting out the sigh I’d been holding in just in case it came out as a sob.
Trying to will up the courage to make it through the rest of this weekend.
So much that I don’t hear his footsteps following me.
‘Blue? What’s wrong?’ Gone is his confidence from earlier, voice no longer laced with suggestive cadences and bold tones, as he comes around the corner.
‘I’m fine,’ I say, voice clipped, hoping it’ll deter him.
He stalks closer, feet inches from mine. ‘Tell me.’
My laugh of disbelief just flies out. I worry my lip, knowing I can’t.
Because how do I tell him that staying with him the last month has been one of the happiest times in my life, yet I’m afraid to stay any longer?
That I can’t go to sleep without imagining his rough palms running over my body, yet I’m terrified of him touching me again?
Of how easily I can feel myself falling for him again?
‘My apartment’s ready,’ is the only thing I can find to say. The only thing that keeps up the image I’ve been trying to build. ‘I’ll pack my things this weekend while you and Noah are gone. Give you back your freedom.’
His brows cave in, anger striking his eyes. A tense jaw is now met with hardening eyes—ones that I feel skewering right through to my soul. Reading all the truths I refuse to reveal to him. Slowly, he brings his hands to either side of the wall beside my head on a ragged exhale.
I should tell him not to cage me in like this, but I can’t deny the way my body craves his closeness, buzzing the nearer he gets. My lips aching as his are merely a few inches above while the corridor darkens around us, all my senses drawn to him.
Maybe I need him to kiss me with the hopes I’ll feel nothing and then this can all end. No more hanging on to the thread of second chances just because we once had a spark that blazed so bright it almost burned our worlds down. My neck cranes up, wondering, and I swear he moves closer—
But then I see a flash of the broken boy I once knew when his brows cave in and his voice comes out on a rough whisper, ‘You told me it couldn’t mean anything, Blue.’
My chest heaves, and I wish I was brave enough not to answer shakily with, ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’
Touch featherlight, Sawyer’s fingers drop from the wall to find my jaw, cradling my cheek, and a gasp escapes me, my breath stolen thereafter.
His thumb rubs across the top of my cheekbones, branding my skin with the heat that springs up.
Chestnut eyes soften as they regard me, flicking between mine.
‘Yeah, you do. Your eyes give you away, Blue. Always have.’
A clearing of a throat down the corridor has us breaking away, and just like that the noise and the light of our surroundings floods back in, suddenly overwhelming. I need to get out of here.
It’s Wolfman who appears and watches us with the girl he was flirting with clinging to his arm. He cracks an apologetic smile at me before he cuts his focus to Sawyer. ‘Uh, Tara’s asking after you.’
‘You should go,’ I say to Sawyer, keeping my eyes locked on the floor, not wanting to reveal anymore.
Each scuff of his boots away from me has my heart tearing further, and it shatters just as I look up, his eyes entwining with mine where he’s hesitated and checked back over his shoulder to admit, ‘Just so you know, Blue. I ain’t ever felt freedom like I do with you.’