Chapter 29
Honey
Noah’s like a walking zombie by the time we’re through the door to the hotel suite Sawyer organised for us all, and honestly, I’m barely managing to stay awake myself after spending all day at the rodeo with them both.
From the way Noah’s fighting his closing eyes, I don’t think I’ll manage to get him in the bath tonight, nor am I sure I have any energy left to do so, so it’s straight to bed for him.
‘Come on, baby.’ I direct him towards his bedroom across the suite—the idea of having his own room when usually if we stay at hotels he’s subjected to sharing a bed with me was enough to have him dancing when we arrived earlier today.
I chuckle at how he drags his feet all sleepily.
‘Let’s get you in your pyjamas and then off to sleep. ’
‘Night, buddy. Sleep well,’ Sawyer calls over to us as he deposits himself on one of the long leather couches in the middle of the suite, using the remote to switch on the electric fire opposite him.
Noah just about manages to open his eyes properly to reply and wave, ‘Goodnight, Da—um, Sawyer.’
I force myself not to freeze again at his little slip up and definitely do not let myself look at Sawyer this time.
I can’t stand seeing the same horror on his face that I witnessed earlier when Noah called him Dad.
How when I heard the word leave Noah’s lips—especially after Sawyer had so heroically thrown himself into the pen to grab him, not thinking for one second about his bad leg let alone his own safety as though nothing was as important as Noah in that moment—my heart jolted.
As though a misplaced puzzle piece had finally been slotted into where it had always belonged.
For a second, it sounded right.
It sounded like everything I’d dreamed of.
It just took me a moment to remember that Sawyer might not share that dream.
I know Sawyer said he wanted me and Noah, that he loved that we came as a package deal, but wanting to spend time with Noah and actually wanting to become a parent are two very different things.
We’re only twenty-seven, for God’s sake, we’re still young.
I might have had to grow up quickly since having Noah, but I can’t expect that of Sawyer suddenly, not when he didn’t ask for it.
I don’t even get it from Noah’s own father now, I’m sure he’d happily give up his dad duties to be a free man again if he had the choice, even if I know he loves Noah.
So, it’d be silly to expect anything more from Sawyer … Right?
Quickly, I get Noah changed into his pyjamas and settle him in bed, watching him drift off before he can even finish saying goodnight to me.
I leave him with a kiss on his forehead and head back into the main part of the suite, where Sawyer still rests on the couch, staring intently into the fire as if he’s hoping to find the answers to something there.
I hover by Noah’s bedroom door for a few seconds to fortify myself with some deep breaths, knowing I can’t just breeze over what happened with Noah and Sawyer today and fall asleep together like usual before climbing back into my own bed in the morning.
‘Hey,’ I start, my voice a little higher than anticipated as I wander over and slump down on the other end of the couch to Sawyer.
His eyes dart over to me, a brief smile touching his lips.
‘About earlier … what Noah said—I’m sorry.
He was probably just caught up in the moment, a bit emotional and—’
‘It’s fine.’ Sawyer shrugs, relaxing back into the couch further. Seemingly unfazed. ‘Kids call their teachers mom or dad all the time, right? No big deal.’
My eyes narrow slightly. ‘Well, yeah … but I think it’s a little different—’
‘Blue,’ Sawyer chuckles, mouth hooking up on one side, the firelight dancing against the golden strands of his hair.
Flashing that smirk with the hopes to disarm me, perhaps.
Or to remind me that he’ll always be the cheeky, care-free Sawyer.
The cowboy who couldn’t be tamed. The cowboy who certainly doesn’t want a kid.
‘It’s not different. It doesn’t mean anything to me, don’t stress about it. ’
My lip drops, as if to retort, but nothing comes out. Because is it so wrong of me to wish it did mean something to him?
It’s not as though Sawyer’s been acting like Noah’s teacher.
No, he’s been acting like he wants to be part of this family.
He’s taken more interest in Noah than anyone ever has, save for my mom, but even Gray doesn’t go to the lengths that Sawyer does to make Noah happy.
No one else rehearses questions with Noah before meeting all the bull riders this weekend so he can feel a little more confident about talking to the people he idolises, so he doesn’t have to miss out just because he’s shyer than everyone else. Only Sawyer.
And clearly it’s had an impact on Noah, if he feels so close to Sawyer to call him Dad, to almost call him it a second time tonight.
I don’t think it was a slip up at all, I think Noah really does see him as a father figure, the one he’s always deserved.
The one I’ve always wanted to be able to give to him.
And it kills me to think that I might have to take that away from him if Sawyer decides this isn’t what he wants.
My chest tightens, throat suddenly clogged. I suck my teeth, then just about manage to push out, ‘Right, yeah. It’s no big deal.’ I stand then, straightening out my jumper dress with a shaky breath. ‘I’m gonna head to bed. See you in the morning.’
‘Oh.’ Sawyer stands too and when I turn, his hand is reaching towards me. ‘You’re staying in your room?’
‘I don’t need Noah getting confused, Sawyer,’ I say, a polite smile following. The only way I’ve learnt to cover up how I truly feel.
Sawyer fights his furrowing brow, licking his bottom lip slowly before nodding. ‘Right, of course. Sleep well, Blue.’
‘You too,’ I reply, immediately hurrying to my bedroom and subsequently leaning back on the door once it’s shut.
I stay there for a moment, taking deep breaths until my racing heart begins to calm, though my thoughts still whirr through my mind.
My bed calls for me, but something tells me, despite the exhaustion creeping into my bones from being out all day, that I’m going to struggle to drift off tonight.
I could do some yoga or stretches to try to ease my mind, but I don’t have my mat, and I remember spying a huge bathtub in the ensuite bathroom—something I’m sure Sawyer purposefully looked for when picking out this hotel suite because he probably knew it’d be helpful after a long day.
Damn him for always being so thoughtful. So generous.
I drag myself into the bathroom and get the bath running, taking off my makeup while the tub fills and changing into the fluffy white robe on the back of the door. When the water is almost at the right level, I test the temperature and—
My bedroom door thuds open.
Sawyer’s broad, heaving shoulders fill the doorway when I dash out of the bathroom to find him. He steps inside, nudging the door shut behind him, and just stands there shaking his head, chewing on his bottom lip as his eyes bore into the ground.
Eventually, he says, voice all raspy, ‘It does mean something to me.’
I clutch at my robe. ‘What?’
‘Noah—him calling me Dad. It means something to me,’ Sawyer explains, his gaze finally shifting up to tangle with mine.
‘I … I didn’t think you wanted it to mean anything, because you corrected him, said I was just your friend.
So, I tried to play it off like I didn’t care, and now I realise that was stupid of me. I’m sorry.’
‘Sawyer,’ I sigh out his name, dropping to sit on the bed. ‘I had to correct him—you’re not his father, and it’s not fair on Gray for Noah to call you that right now. It’s bad enough Noah likes to tell him about momma’s best man friend, I can’t have him telling his dad about his new dad, can I?’
Sawyer snorts at that, finding his way to the bed to sit beside me. ‘Kid’s really been putting in a good word for me, ain’t he?’
With a soft smile, I angle my head at him.
‘Besides, I don’t want him getting an idea in his head of what you mean to him when …
When things are still so new between us.
When we don’t know what’s going to happen when you can ride again.
’ I catch my bottom lip between my teeth. ‘Assuming that’s what you want.’
Brown eyes glistening back at me, Sawyer rubs his hand across his jaw, stubble rasping against his palm.
‘I do want to go back to bull riding, but I also want you. And Noah. But I know that my career doesn’t exactly offer the steadiest of lifestyles for you both.
That it might mean phone calls and hotel rooms sometimes.
’ He pauses to swallow, gaze shuttering away as he hangs his head.
‘So, if that doesn’t work for you, I understand. ’
‘Hey,’ I start, cradling his face and turning him to me, my heart aching for him, for his honesty.
‘I don’t want you to give up your dreams for me.
If bull riding is what you want to do, what makes you happy, then I want you to chase that.
And I—me and Noah—will be cheering you on.
’ I find his hand, threading my fingers between his, to show him we’re a team.
‘We’ll find a way to make it work. Besides, our phone call the other night worked pretty well, didn’t it? ’
That coaxes his smirk out instantly. ‘Mm, that it did, Blue.’ The rough timbre of his voice sends a shiver across my skin.
His eyes dart to my lips once. Twice. And I think he’s about to lean in to kiss me when his head rears back, brows pulling together.
‘Did you leave the shower running or something?’
Oh God.
‘The bath!’ I scream, flying into the bathroom and subsequently sliding across the wet, tiled floor as the water spills over the edge of the tub, flooding the bathroom. I lose my footing and fall to my knees as I finally reach the tub, reaching over to turn off the tap.
‘Shit!’ Sawyer yells as he too slips over as he enters the bathroom, not reaching far enough to grab the sink for safety and landing straight on his ass, water splashing around him.
‘I was going to have a bath—I’m so sorry.’ I immediately reach for the towels on the rack beside the bath and start mopping up whatever water I can. ‘I’ll pay for any damages the hotel charges you for and—’
‘Blue.’ Sawyer grabs my hands, pausing my clean-up.
He’s grinning from ear to ear, chest undulating with the chuckle he’s trying to hold back.
‘Don’t be sorry. I’ve left hotel rooms in far worse conditions before.
Caused a fire once because me and a couple of riders sprayed champagne everywhere and it didn’t mix well with the electricals. ’
I shake my head at him, at that damn cocky smirk of his. ‘I’m not sure which of us is the bigger idiot right now.’
‘Oh, it’s always gonna be me, Blue.’ Sawyer’s hand glides up my arm to caress my jaw, his fingers then toying gently with my hair. ‘As long as you don’t mind putting up with that.’
I can’t help but lean into his touch, letting his rough palms skate over my cheek. ‘I wouldn’t want you any other way.’ And then he’s flashing me the widest grin and kissing all my worries away until we’re lying breathless and soaked on the flooded bathroom floor.