Chapter 36
Sawyer (Flashback)
June, Senior Year
‘No footsies under the table today, Blue?’ I ask as I find Honey outside the library.
With only a week left of senior year, tutoring has obviously gone out the window, but I’m still surprised not to find her waiting at our table like usual.
Even if we’ve got nothing to work on anymore, we’ve been meeting every few days since prom just to spend time together after school for the last couple of weeks.
It’s still studying in a way, except what I’m studying now is just how goddamn perfect Honey Goldman is.
Like how she reminds me of the sun—all glittering golden hair and eyes full of bright joy.
How easily I can make her chuckle and how it always rings out like silver bells.
How the freckles across her cheeks remind me of the constellations that glittered above us as I held her.
Honey Goldman—my golden girl.
Her eyes flash at my comment, then check the empty hallway for people who might have heard, and I just can’t help but smirk. Let them hear, sweetheart.
Prom night changed something in me—far before I got to hold Honey’s sweet body in my arms. Sure, the dance was fun.
Getting to hang with my boys and mess about to the music, while sneaking a few sips from whatever strong-ass alcohol was in Wolfman’s hipflask, was exactly what I needed to end the year.
But as great as it was, even before we got there, I knew something would be missing.
She would be missing.
Honey might have only graced my life for the past year, but celebrating the end of high school, all the memories we’ve made, the opportunity to finally break free, didn’t feel right without her.
There were nights this year when my courage was so downtrodden, that I didn’t know how I was going to make it to graduation.
All I could think about was how badly I wanted just to run away, become the coward my dad has always said I was.
Just like my mom. And when the thoughts of bull riding and my friends weren’t enough, it was the image of Honey that kept me going.
That had me finally falling asleep, albeit often in my truck, and turning up to school the next day.
Because I knew I’d get to see her. Someone who finally understood me—who wouldn’t cower or run away at the sight of my broken edges, because she saw herself in their reflection.
Someone who handed me a few pieces of herself to try to fit me back together.
To give me her strength when I didn’t have enough.
And, fuck, after that night in the back of my truck, I think I’ll have a piece of her with me forever.
I’ll never forget the soft velvet of her skin as I trailed my fingers up her thighs, or the sweet, melodic gasps she made every time I moved a little harder, or the wonder in her baby blues as she gazed up at me, delicate hands clutching my shoulders.
That’s all tattooed permanently into my mind, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
It’s been torture, knowing I can’t touch her properly again until we’ve both graduated. Until she’s free and able to leave with her mom. All I want to do is kiss her in the hallway in front of everyone. To hold her hand and show it off as we walk into homeroom together.
But I can wait. I may have never been good with patience, but I also never thought I’d find anyone worth trusting again. Anyone I truly wanted to see me. Anyone who could find a way to love me.
So, Honey’s worth it.
Besides, once we’re free of this damn school, I’ll be following her to North Carolina, where we can be with each other every day.
Once we’re standing toe to toe, her eyes instantly fall to my lips, just like they have every time we’ve met since prom night. I like to imagine each time she glances at them, memories of all the places they brushed over her body cascade through her mind.
Though, this time, her eyes quickly dart away—from me. Not up to my eyes again, but anywhere other than where I’m standing. ‘I was actually wondering if we, um—can we talk in your truck?’
I lick my lips and nod, eager to be alone with her. To be able to touch her maybe—we could hold hands in my truck with no one seeing. I wonder if that’s why she’s asking. Hell, I don’t care—I’d be fine with just sitting and listening to her tell me about her day.
Honey leads the way out of the school building, walking in silence to the parking lot, until we slip inside my truck.
Honey shuffles about in the passenger seat, the old leather squeaking beneath her.
I angle myself so I can face her fully—I need a good position to admire her properly.
Honey checks over her shoulder at the truck bed, her blonde lashes fluttering, and my body tightens at the memories that must be playing in her head.
I’m not sure if being in the truck cab together alone is such a good idea …
Yet, when she turns back, there’s no bashful curve of her lips, just a knitting of her brows. I feel like I’m sitting in my truck with the Honey I spoke to back at the beginning of senior year—especially with the way her gaze is downturned again.
She fiddles with her dainty fingers in her lap. Her bottom lip is dropped, ready for words to tumble out, but each time it moves, nothing comes. I’m suddenly more aware of my heartrate quickening, the tightness of my clothes, the heat of the sun beating down through the windshield.
Something doesn’t feel right.
I try to catch her gaze, but her eyes still avoid mine. Nerves clog my throat. ‘Everything okay, Blue?’
Slowly, Honey drags her eyes up to meet mine, enlightening me to the tears welling. Melancholy swarms them, ready to drag me under. My body goes slack, sinking into the leather, as if it already knows there’s no point in fighting whatever she’s about to say.
Because I know that look.
It’s the same one my mom gave me the first time Dad hurt me—when she knew she couldn’t find the strength to look after me anymore. To love me anymore.
Honey’s words tremble out softly, but each one hits me like a tonne of bricks. ‘Sawyer, I don’t think we should do this anymore.’
The world goes silent.
I stare into her eyes as the last year plays out around me, every single memory anchored in those baby blues.
The very eyes that have brought me solace every time I thought I couldn’t bear the weight of the world anymore.
Even on the back of the bulls I’ve been riding, it’s those eyes I think of to give me the strength to keep holding on.
Those same eyes I gazed into as we shared the final parts of our souls with each other …
I’m not sure how long I’ve been staring at her, but tears spill down her cheeks, faint rivulets staining her rosy skin.
I swallow down my dread. ‘What … Wh-why?’
Her breath shudders out, the only sound in the truck cab her gentle crying. I want to reach out and touch her, but the cold hands of fear render me motionless. Her bottom lip wobbles as she sobs out, ‘I … I don’t think this is supposed to work.’
‘Is this because of your dad? Did he find out?’ Panic spikes through me. The need to protect her blaring in my mind. Has he threatened her? Hurt her because of me? Stupid, reckless, arrogant Sawyer Nash.
‘No,’ she immediately confirms, but somehow it makes my stomach twist even more.
‘I just think we’re making a mistake. All year you’ve been telling me about your dreams to ride off with the travelling rodeo and now suddenly you’re folding your dreams into mine, talking about finding a stable job in North Carolina and competing at the weekends when you can. ’
‘But that’s what I want to do, Blue.’
I might not share the same faith Honey does, but if there was ever an argument for heaven existing, it’s her—her pure soul, her divine kindness, her angelic beauty. It’s hard to believe she wasn’t brought into my life for no reason, so I can’t let her go that easily.
‘No, it’s what you think you want, but you don’t. Because neither of us have ever had the opportunity to be selfish.’
She chews her lip, eyes wide and pleading as she drags them from me and stares at the windshield—seeking out that future she’s always gazing at through the library window, perhaps.
Slowly, I watch her shoulders straighten.
I listen to her breathing calm. I feel her grow more distant.
The centre console of my truck suddenly miles wide.
‘We’re so used to caving to others’ demands, but now is the time to do something for ourselves. Don’t you think we deserve that? To go off to college and the rodeos, to meet new people, to travel and try new things?’
I don’t want to be anywhere else but with her.
It’s like I’m trapped in a glass box, yelling at her that she can trust me to take care of her, but she can’t hear me. I need her to know that I’ll be there for her. That she’ll be safe in my arms.
‘But—’
‘Sawyer,’ she sighs out my name. Another wobbly smile appears. ‘We’re just kids—we’ve got a lot of growing up to do, and I think we’d be better doing that on our own.’
That hits me harder than I expect.
I can’t help but think that she’s only talking about one of us when she says we.
‘And—’ she pauses to compose herself, a shaky breath filtering from her lips.
Her face twitches until it settles into a polite, barely there smile.
The same expression she gives everyone else.
My gut twists at the sight of a face Honey hasn’t shown me in months.
‘This isn’t how it was supposed to be. Us.
I see that now. This—it’s a sign. There’s a reason we never spoke before this year. ’
A sign? I don’t know what she’s talking about.
A high-pitched ringing fills my ears as I realise I’ve been fighting a losing battle. She’d won before we even got in the truck.
She wants to follow her dreams without me holding her back.
She wants to be with someone who is grown up and knows how to handle life.
And none of that includes me.
I watch my future crumble before my eyes. The memory of Honey’s warm, soft body beneath my fingers slips from my grasp, spilling from my hands like sand. As if the timer has finally run out on us and now it’s time for her to flip it over and start the next year without me.
To leave me behind. Like everyone I’ve loved has.
I muster all the courage I have left, scraping it from the deepest, darkest depths of my soul, the parts I didn’t think I’d ever return to again, and try one more time. ‘But … but, Blue, I lo—’
‘Don’t.’ Honey cries out the word, her hand flying up to clutch her chest. ‘Please don’t say it. Not when you don’t mean it.’
My eyes sting. ‘But I do.’
‘No,’ Honey argues back, the word coming out muddled between a sob and a laugh. ‘You don’t. Neither of us truly know what love is. Which is why we shouldn’t be shaping our lives around it.’
Which is why she’s leaving me.
She told me I was easy to love. But how would she know?
I sink back into the driver’s seat as the last remnants of my fight drain from me.
I’ve scraped the barrel and there’s nothing left.
The only way to face the agony as my heart cracks is the same way I do with all pain—just absorb the blow, bury the pain deep inside and move on. It only hurts if you let it.
A sick part of me hopes Dad’s in a bad mood tonight just to punish myself for being tricked into love.
Voice emotionless, I just say, ‘Okay. Good luck with college, I guess.’ I chew on the inside of my lips to hold back the flood of emotion that’s ready to spill.
‘Sawyer—’ Out the corner of my eye, I see Honey lean forward, trying to catch my gaze, but I can’t look at her, not if I don’t want to get sucked into the promise of those baby blues again.
Especially when she says adamantly, ‘I don’t regret it, you know?
Any of it. I might not fully understand love yet, Sawyer, but I’m starting to, and I have you to thank for that. ’
All I can do is nod and tell myself her words are empty.
Honey hovers in the passenger seat, heavy gaze weighing down on me. But I keep staring out the windshield, wondering if I’ll ever find the same golden future she does in the distance, and wait until she opens the truck door and slips out.
When she finally closes the door, the one to my heart follows.
She says I don’t know what love truly is, but I do—we both do, and that’s why she’s running.
Love is trickery. Love is broken promises.
Love is showing someone the deepest, darkest parts of your soul and then watching them run away.
And that’s why I’m never going to bother with it again.