Chapter 9
9
AILISH
Ailish switched on Gwen’s oven and pulled a pizza out of the freezer. They’d stopped at a Tesco Express on the way back from the hospital and Ailish had run in and done a trolley dash for the basics needed to refill Gwen’s fridge, freezer and breadbin. Then she’d added the two bottles of wine that Rhonda had requested and picked up three Christmas selection boxes that were reduced to half price.
Pizza in the oven, she opened a fresh tub of ready-made salad to go with the twelve-inch Margherita, then set the table with plates, napkins, cutlery and salad dressing, a smile on her face the whole time. Gwen was home. She was okay. They were all together. On a day that had begun with news that had chipped her heart, this turn of events had glued it back together again. When they’d wheeled Gwen to the hospital doors, then held her arms as she’d taken her first steps back into the outside world, Ailish had blinked the tears back. Although, she wasn’t sure if that was relief, or fear over what she’d just agreed to.
‘What about you, Ails? Are you in?’
How could she possibly say no and crush Gwen’s expression of pure hope? But she couldn’t quite say yes either, because the very thought of going out tonight, of all nights, gripped her with absolute horror. New Year’s Eve used to be her favourite night of the year, but now it made her want to hibernate and ignore the world. Her own issues aside though, her natural caution that going out could compromise Gwen’s health made her want to object. But she didn’t have the heart to refuse her friend anything, so in the end, she’d gone for a tentative nod that Gwen and Rhonda had taken as acceptance and rolled with it.
Now that they were home in Gwen’s ultra-modern, breathtakingly chic, river-front loft, Ailish still wasn’t convinced. Surely it was madness? Irresponsible. What if something went wrong? What if Gwen needed medical attention? The chances of getting swift emergency services on New Year’s Eve were slim to none – it was one of the busiest and most chaotic nights of the year in Glasgow. No. She was going to refuse for Gwen’s sake. She’d break it to her gently over the pizza that had just pinged in the oven.
As if summoned by the bell, at that moment Rhonda and Gwen reappeared, Gwen’s hair still wet from the shower. It had been the first thing she’d wanted to do when she got home, and Rhonda had insisted on sitting outside the bathroom door, just in case Gwen needed her or felt unwell.
‘I’m perfectly able to stand,’ Gwen had objected, rolling her eyes.
‘And I’m perfectly able to do the splits, but there’s always a risk that I’ll end up in Accident and Emergency, so I’m coming with you.’
Gwen had surrendered, knowing she was beaten.
Ailish pressed the front of one of the gloss white kitchen drawers, searching for the pizza cutter. This whole apartment looked like it was straight out of a magazine, thanks to both Gwen’s skill as an interior designer and her love of clean white spaces.
‘Next drawer to the right,’ Gwen said, reading her mind.
Ailish followed the instruction, and the pizza cutter was revealed. She pulled it out of the drawer and started slicing, talking as she went. ‘How are you feeling now?’
‘So much better. I don’t think I’ll be running marathons again any time soon, but I managed to stand up in the shower without feeling faint. I’ll take the win.’
Relieved, Ailish slid the pizza onto the table and sat down, trying to decide whether to go for it and just blurt out her objections to Gwen’s plans.
‘Ailish, you have to take that worried look off your face, otherwise you’ll need to hit up Rhonda’s Botox clinic.’
Ailish made a mental note to check out the anti-wrinkle devices on the home shopping channels, before getting right to the heart of her concerns. ‘Okay, I’m just going to put this out there. I still think going out tonight is a bad idea. Gwen?—’
‘Nope, I’m not listening,’ Gwen cut her off. ‘And besides, you promised in the hospital.’
‘I didn’t exactly promise. I nodded my head.’
‘That was a promise. I saw it,’ Rhonda interjected. There was still no doubt which side of the fence that one was inhabiting. Apparently, Ralph the body builder had taken the news of his rejection well and decided that he’d go to the gym instead.
Deciding to regroup, Ailish went for a different approach. ‘How about we have a cosy night in instead? You must be exhausted and it’s freezing out there. We could order food in, open some champagne and chocolates, find a good movie?—’
‘Nope,’ Gwen answered, dismissing it without consideration.
Ailish wasn’t quite ready to concede. Perhaps she could talk them out of it on practical or logistical grounds. But first, she needed all the facts.
She tried again. ‘Okay, so say, hypothetically, that I did agree.’
‘You did.’ Both Rhonda and Gwen said that at exactly the same time, but Ailish refused to be intimidated. Someone had to be the adult in the room here. She ploughed on… ‘Then where do you want to go? It’ll be impossible to get a reservation anywhere tonight at this late notice, and anywhere that doesn’t require a booking will be absolutely packed.’
She caught the glance that passed between Rhonda and Gwen and suddenly the worry wrinkles on her forehead were back.
‘What? What are you not telling me?’
Gwen tried to go for nonchalance, mumbling, ‘I want to go to Gino’s,’ then immediately popping a baby tomato from the salad into her mouth, as if the words had never been spoken.
Someone switched on a spin cycle in Ailish’s stomach.
‘Gwen, no… I can’t…’ Abject horror blocked any more words.
Gino’s. There was a time when she couldn’t have fathomed spending New Year’s Eve anywhere else. But that was before… She couldn’t even bear to finish that thought. All that mattered was that last year had been the first year in decades that she hadn’t gone, and she had absolutely no desire to start up that tradition again. She took a breath. Then another. Tried to react calmly.
‘Gwen, I can’t go there. Not after what happened.’
‘Yes, you can. Because we’ll be with you.’
‘No. If Eric is there?—’
‘Who cares? Not that I think for a second he will be?—’
‘I don’t want to take the risk. That place is in the past for me.’
‘But the thing is, it isn’t for me,’ Gwen countered gently. ‘We’ve gone there on Hogmanay our whole adult lives, had some of our best moments there and I want to feel that again, even if it’s just once more. And yes, I’m using my cancer to emotionally blackmail you. Don’t judge me. Look, last year, we didn’t go because it was all too raw for you, and we understood. But what it really boils down to now is that I’m not going to let your arse of a husband take away our traditions.’
‘Ex,’ Ailish blurted.
Her friends looked at her quizzically.
‘Ex-husband,’ she explained, all the fight going out of her. ‘The divorce papers came through this morning. He’s my ex-husband now.’
To her fury, she felt a tear slide down her face and she chided herself. She had no right to be crying, not when Gwen was going through so much worse. She brushed it away.
Gwen reached over and took her hand. ‘Oh hon, I’m so sorry.’
‘But you’re well shot of him,’ were Rhonda’s words of consolation.
‘I do know that,’ Ailish admitted, ‘but I think I’m just finding it hard to see where to go from here. Urgh, listen to me. Honestly, I’m sick of hearing myself being so pathetic. I need to pull my bloody big woman pants on and get a grip.’
‘And the best place to wear those big woman pants is Gino’s tonight,’ Rhonda assured her. ‘So come on. You know that no matter how busy they are, they’ll find us a table. Dario has always had a soft spot for you, so he’ll make it work.’
Ailish felt a jolt of something she couldn’t put her finger on. Dario. Her first ever crush. She occasionally wondered what would have happened on a night long ago if she’d made a different decision.
And she had to admit, it would be good to see him.
Before she could mull that over any further, her phone began to ring. The screen announced that it was her Ring doorbell app. Probably the delivery of something she’d bought while she was surfing the shopping channel at 3a.m. It had become her favourite indoor sport. In the last month, she’d bought a jewellery cleaner (still in the box), a laser device that would remove the hair from her legs forever (still in the box) and exercise bands that would transform her into a body-beautiful athlete in six weeks or your money back (still in the box eight weeks later). She’d be hanging out down the gym with Rhonda’s blind date in no time. Oh, and then there was an electric mop that would apparently rejuvenate both her floors and her life. That one had yet to be delivered so she assumed this was it now. One of the neighbours must have left the front door of the building open again, because whoever it was had already made their way to her flat.
She opened the app and peered at the live footage from the doorbell camera. Whoever it was had begun to walk away and she could only see the outline of his shoulder.
‘Hello? Just leave the delivery on the doorstep please.’
There were some muffled sounds as the man stepped back into the frame, then a gasp as she realised it wasn’t the life-changing mop, but her second crush – the life-changing cheating husband. Ex- husband.
‘Ailish? Ailish, it’s me. Can you let me in? I need to talk to you.’
Hearing Eric’s voice, Rhonda and Gwen’s heads swiftly swivelled in her direction, and they were both staring at her, wide-eyed, Rhonda mouthing. ‘No fucking way!’
Ailish felt the pulse on the side of her neck begin to throb. ‘Is something wrong? Is Emmy okay? Your mum?’
Even without a crystal-clear picture, she could see his perplexed expression. ‘What? Yes. Of course. They’re both fine. Look, that’s not why I’m here. Can you just bloody let me in?’
‘No.’
She watched him run his fingers through his impressive head of hair – he always did that when he was stressing – as he murmured, ‘Oh for God’s sake…’
His exasperation was palpable, and she realised that even now her first instinct was to consider his feelings and attempt to soothe them, a little nugget of self-reflection that irritated her, so she disguised it with a curt explanation of the facts. ‘I can’t let you in because I’m not there. I’m speaking to you remotely. I’m with Gwen and Rhonda.’
‘Oh.’ That appeared to take the wind out of his sails. ‘When will you be back? I need to speak to you today.’
Rhonda’s eyebrows rose in irritation and Ailish was right there with her. A torrent of suppressed emotions began bubbling up inside her: rage, fury, disgust, disappointment, heartbreak, and unwavering grief for the loss of the decent, kind, honest man she’d thought she was married to for thirty years, and for the future they’d always planned together. Gwen was right. She’d let this knock her down. Now it was time to slide out from under the weight of it. She had to accept that no matter how much she’d loved him, that chapter of her life was over. He didn’t want her, didn’t love her, so it was time she processed that and got over it.
‘Well, Eric,’ she said. ‘That’s the thing about you having an affair and then divorcing me – I don’t have to do a single thing that you want me to do. So no, I won’t be back today, and even if I was, you’d still be looking at that closed door because you wouldn’t be getting in. I have absolutely nothing to say to you. Go home, Eric.’
‘But Ailish…’ he spluttered. ‘I want?—’
‘I’m sorry, Ailish is no longer available,’ she answered before disconnecting the conversation and closing the doorbell app.
She pressed the lock button on the side of the handset, then calmly, with a confidence she hadn’t felt in a long time, placed it on the table, face down. Then she ignored it when it immediately rang again. And again.
‘I have no idea who you are, but I like you,’ Rhonda deadpanned, pouring Prosecco into the glass that she’d just slid in front of Ailish.
Beside her, Gwen picked her moment. ‘So what do you say then, Ails? How about, instead of being sad about your divorce, we celebrate it? Are you going to let Eric Wandering Willy Ryan continue to dictate your life, or are we going out tonight to our favourite place, full of old friends, and sod whether he’s there or not?’
Ailish waited for the knot in her stomach to loosen, for the huge bloody lump in her throat to go down, then she picked up the glass. Regardless of how she felt, she could see how much Gwen wanted this, and she wasn’t going to let Eric get in the way of it.
‘Sod him and sod it all. We’re going out.’
‘Yessssss!’ Gwen cheered, with a smile that warmed Ailish’s heart. ‘Watch out, Glasgow, we’re back and looking for trouble.’
Ailish’s first thought was that Gwen was of course joking. Her second thought was that she might not be. And her third thought was that more trouble ahead was exactly what she was afraid of.