19. Porter
PORTER
“Uh, hi! Tell me everything! Like why the hell was Will leaving the house with you this morning? It killed me that I didn’t get to see you today to ask!
” Josie blurts out the second she joins me at my table at Main Street Tavern with drinks.
Our friends are meeting us for their Girls, Gays, and Theys Night, and I was the first one here.
“Finally! All I’ve had time to think about while waiting for you is how perfect Will is,” I admit.
“Oh my god,” she shrieks. “What happened?”
“Well, what happened is all your fault,” I insist dramatically.
“I blame you for that little living room project stunt you initially pulled. Last night, when I told him you wouldn’t be back until today—side note, I do want to hear about how things are going with Carrie before she gets here—so we could watch TV in the living room uninterrupted, he said he wanted to watch the movie in my room because my bed was comfy. ”
“Oh my god,” she squeals again. “That was a line, right? Oh fuck, did you finally hook up?”
“What? No. He’s straight, remember? Or so he says, so I need to respect that.”
“Shit! My bi-dar is normally pretty good. Then why the hell was he still there this morning leaving with you?”
“He fell asleep in my bed,” I admit, then groan.
“I just don’t get it because we spend so much time together, and he’s always wanting to meet between classes.
He’s constantly texting me about his day.
And then this morning, I woke up in his arms, and he didn’t even flinch.
He just said he’d buy me breakfast as a thanks for not kicking him out.
He’d be an amazing boyfriend if he were actually interested. Seriously, who does that?”
Josie winces. “I was really hoping for a realization from him that he’s attracted to you.”
“No realizations,” I confirm.
“Maybe he needs more time?” she suggests hopefully, voice rising at the end of the question.
“He says he’s straight, and I have to believe that. I can’t let myself hope that he’ll like me more than a friend just because I’m catching feelings. I can’t live through that again.”
“Okay, but thank you for finally admitting it to me,” she teases. Then she tilts her head. “How are you really doing with all of this?”
“I… You know I don’t want to get hurt. It just feels like my Robbie situation all over again though,” I admit, quieter now. “Even if Will hasn’t given any indication that he’s looking to experiment or anything.”
“I get that, P.” She nods. “Do you think you need to set some firmer boundaries with him? Or do you think it’d be better to add some distance? You haven’t known him that long, and I really don’t want to see you get hurt.”
“I don’t want to do either of those things.
” I sigh, dropping my head in my hands. “I just hate that unavailable men keep being my emotional kryptonite. I like having him as a friend. I really do. I don’t want to lose that.
He’s quickly become one of my favorite people to spend time with, besides you, of course. ”
“Good save at the end.” Josie nudges me. “But really, I hate that you’re feeling all this. Maybe our trip will be coming at the perfect time!”
I hate the thought of spending a whole week away from Will, but I smile because Josie really is the best friend I could’ve asked for, and there’s no risk of me catching feelings for her, so win-win.
“Okay, enough about me. How are you, and how’s Carrie?”
“Oh, Porter, she’s great! I had no idea that being in a relationship could be this easy.”
“I’m so happy for you, and that it’s easy.” It’s a good reminder that positive queer relationships exist. Maybe I’ll find that one day.
My phone buzzes on the table, and despite my best intentions to keep things very platonic between us, my very first thought is: I hope it’s Will.
Josie must notice my hurry to check my phone because she stops talking about Carrie. “That him?”
I bite my lip. “Yes. Shit, I just need to remind myself that this doesn’t have to mean anything more than what it is.”
“And what is it?” she asks.
I glance at my phone, then back at her. “A really good friendship?”
“Remember, you are single, you don’t have to respond, and you can totally find someone to distract you tonight. It is our night.”
Before I can agree, Carrie walks into the bar, red curls bouncing and drawing both of our attention to her. She waves, and the way her face lights up when she sees Josie makes the Will-shaped hole in my heart ache, but I refuse to feel sorry for myself.
I should probably ignore it, but instead of shoving my phone in my pocket, I look at the message quickly.
Will
I had fun this morning. Thanks for introducing me to my new favorite breakfast spot
I can do this. I can respond and not be flirty. Remind myself of what we are.
Porter
Hopefully your friends like it just as much.
He responds right away, ignoring my comment about his friends.
Will
What are you doing this week? Could we have another movie night before we go on our trips? I wish they lined up better and we weren’t gone opposite weekends.
Fuck, doesn’t he have lacrosse or something? Why does he seem so available, and why does he want to spend so much time with me? He’s got teammates, roommates, classes, and practice. He should have a whole world that does not revolve around me.
It’s hard for me to remind myself what we are when he’s treating me like I’m his boyfriend with how much time he wants to spend with me.
I decide to take Josie’s advice and wait to answer because it’s just a crush—a silly little crush. I should focus on my other friends. Like the people walking up to our table who must be with Carrie.
“These are my best friends, Paige and Elijah,” she introduces us.
“So good to see you both again,” Josie gushes, so she must’ve met them another time.
“Hey, I’m Porter,” I say in an attempt to not be rude. Even though I sort of wish I was meeting Will’s friends instead.
Fuck. Focus on the people here, damn it.
They launch into conversation, and I end up scanning the bar looking for Will, and of course he’s not here.
I bet he’d come if you invited him, the little voice in my head suggests.
He wants to hang out, and he’s definitely not afraid of judgment, but fuck. Should I be putting boundaries between us?
Normally, I love going out, but it’s harder to pretend I want to be here when Josie is coupled up with Carrie, their hands all over each other like they’ve forgotten the rest of us exist. I don’t know if Carrie’s friends are dating, but either way, I feel like the odd person out, which I’m getting really sick of.
Fuck it. I want to see him, and he said he wants to see me. We can just hang out. I don’t need to read into it.
Porter
Where are you?
It takes all of two seconds before I see the chat bubble indicating he’s typing back. I stare at it until his text shows up.
Will
I’m at home, where are you?
Here goes nothing.
Porter
At girls, gays, and theys night at Main Street Tavern. Want to come?
Will
I’m down! Give me twenty and I’ll be there.
My heart is racing at his response because there wasn’t even a single ounce of hesitation. I finally bring my attention back to my friends. Abbey and Ty are here now, too, making introductions. Josie sits back down next to me, looking nervous.
“Hey. So, um, is there possibly anyone else you’d want to invite to the cabin with us?” she asks hesitantly.
My stomach tightens because as happy as I am for her and Carrie, the last thing I can deal with is feeling left out while they’re coupled up the whole trip. I think that would crush me in my current state of obsessing over Will. “What? Why? Did you want Carrie to go?”
“I can still say no,” Josie says quickly, and my worry heightens that she’s about to completely bail on me.
“But Carrie’s sister is getting engaged that last Saturday night.
It’s a family dinner with a surprise proposal.
It’ll be a whole thing. Carrie’s future brother-in-law just asked her about it this week, and she debated even asking because she knew we had our trip planned.
But she decided to leave it up to me and just asked if I’d come and meet her family. It would only be one night.”
My chest tightens in that slow, sinking way because I really wanted to go to this lake house. With her.
“I thought it would take away from the engagement,” Josie continues, rushing now that I haven’t said anything, “but she swore it wouldn’t. She said they actually need a reason to get everyone together without her sister getting suspicious. Apparently, I’m the perfect excuse.”
Fuck.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
I don’t say it out loud. I don’t say anything out loud. I just stare at her, letting her words settle into my chest where all the other inconvenient feelings already live.
Except I wasn’t expecting Josie to bail, so the disappointment is louder and the voice in my head still says, See? You shouldn’t get your hopes up. Things don’t work out for you.
“Oh,” I manage flatly. “Okay.”
Josie watches me carefully, and I try to keep a straight face so I don’t break down. I was really looking forward to this trip with her. I know we’ll still go and have fun, but I am disappointed it’ll be cut short.
“Porter,” she adds softly. “I can still say no. I don’t have to go. I didn’t give her an answer because I told her I had to talk to you first. I can meet her family another time.”
“No,” I say quickly, shaking my head. “You should go. That’s… important. I’m not going to make you miss that. Besides, we’ll have the rest of the week, right? We’ll just leave a night early?”
Her shoulders drop a little, relief flashing across her face before guilt rushes back in to replace it. “Yes, of course I’ll still be with you for the majority of the trip, I promise. Maybe you can ask Abbey if she wants to join us or even to meet you there on Saturday morning for the last night?”
“Yeah,” I mutter, thinking about the only person I actually want to invite. “I don’t want to be alone up there, and I don’t love the idea of leaving early when I know you booked this for me. I’ll figure it out, but you should tell Carrie yes.”
She bites her lip and nods. “As long as you’re sure…”
“Yeah, I am.”
She jumps out of her chair to wrap her arms around me in a hug. “Thanks, P. I’ll go get our next round as a thank you!” I nod, even though she almost always buys our drinks, and as she pulls away, I can’t help but groan again, effectively stopping her. “What is it?”
“How bad is it that the only person I really want to invite is Will?” I admit.
She shrugs. “I won’t stop you. It’s your birthday trip. You can invite anyone you want.”
Well, shit.
Lusting after someone who isn’t available will apparently forever be my downfall.
But I also don’t want to sit alone in a lake house with my thoughts and a bottle of wine.
That sounds way more depressing, and I’m sure I’d end up drunk texting Will and self-sabotage our friendship over fear he’ll eventually hurt me.
I obviously don’t want to do that.
Realistically, I’d love Will to be there, even if I am scared I’m going to ruin everything because I couldn’t avoid catching feelings for him.
But none of that is changing tonight, and Will is a way nicer guy than Robbie ever was. Maybe I don’t need to be so worried about protecting myself that I avoid having any fun.
At least I hope I don’t because he’s on his way.
Fuck.