22. Will
WILL
“Alright, let’s hit the road!” Coach’s booming voice fills the bus, and the driver pulls out of the athletic building’s parking lot.
All day as I was packing and getting my shit together for this spring break trip I usually love, I couldn’t stop thinking about how weird it would be to not see Porter for so long.
I saw him as much as possible this week, but still, it wasn’t enough.
I even went to his work to get a coffee before heading to the bus so I could see him one last time.
I’ve almost blurted out that I’ve realized I’m attracted to him at least five times, but I’ve stopped myself at the last second because none of them actually felt like the right moment.
I should probably start by just telling him that I’ve realized I’m probably bi, that way I’m not putting any pressure on him if he isn’t into me.
But the longer I go without bringing it up, the more I think about our flirty exchange when he was drunk, how hot it was when he called me Daddy, and how much I hope Porter is into me and that something will happen. Then I go back to wanting to just blurt out that I’m into him.
I’ve never wanted to hook up with someone I’m friends with before though, and that, even more than the fact that I’ve never been with a man, has had me hesitating.
I like to have clear expectations in place before anything happens, but with Porter, I have no idea what I’d want those expectations to even be.
Would I only want to do it once and then go back to just being friends?
Would I want to propose some sort of friends-with-benefits situation?
There’s a lot to consider, and until I figure out what I want, I think it’s best I don’t say anything yet.
“I’m stoked for tomorrow!” Decker shouts to whoever will listen, pulling me out of the loop of Porter-related questions my thoughts keep returning to.
“Me too. We’re gonna whoop their asses,” Tim responds.
Instead of participating in their conversation, I grab my backpack to pull out my headphones and Switch because I really am not in the mood for this right now.
Nathan is sitting beside me, pulling his headphones up over his ears and playing on his phone too, so I know he won’t care if I keep to myself.
I click play on the album that’s been my recent obsession and text Porter.
Will
Best americano I’ve ever tasted thanks for the new rec
He’s usually slower to respond when he’s working or in class, so I don’t expect an immediate text back.
I glance at my other texts and see the one from my mom this morning saying she can’t wait to hear about our trip to North Carolina.
I really should call my parents and talk to them about what I’m feeling.
I’m sure they’d have good advice, even if I’ve never asked them for dating advice before.
I also know they’ll be completely fine with me considering being with a man.
The question I keep asking myself is, “What if I’m just building this up in my head?
” I’ve never touched a dick that isn’t mine, and I’d hate to admit my attraction to Porter, then realize in the moment when it’s time to do more that I’m not as into it as I’d thought I would be.
My biggest concern is that I’ll ruin our friendship over something I’m not one hundred percent sure of.
I also can’t treat him like an experiment just because I’m curious. Should I be looking for another guy to hook up with then? To see if I even like it before saying anything to him? I don’t love that idea, but I really don’t want to fuck up anything with him.
My phone vibrates in my hand, breaking my thought process again, and I glance down before I can stop myself, a stupid rush of anticipation hitting my chest.
Porter
That’s because I’m the best barista ever
I smile and type back.
Will
100% cosign on that. I only want you to make my drinks from now on
Porter
That’s a tall order when I only work 3 or 4 days a week.
Will
Guess I’ll just have to be at your place in the mornings from now on
I bite my bottom lip as blue dots dance across the screen. So much for tamping it down when I just invited myself to spend the night every night.
Porter
Very presumptuous that I’d want you in my bed every night
I realize I’m smiling at my phone, and I can feel Nathan’s eyes on me. Turning to look at him, I just shrug, and he turns back to face the front of the bus.
Will
Sounds like it’s only 3-4 nights, but we could make it every night if you want ;) Especially if it comes with morning coffee made by the world’s best barista
Porter
You do know I don't own an espresso machine, right?
Fuck, I hadn’t even thought of that, but now I want to buy him one. He should totally have one. Him not having one is a disservice. Why didn’t I think of this before now?
Porter
Gotta go, breaks over.
Will
Okay. Just know I’m jealous of everyone else who gets a coffee from you all break. I miss it already.
Miss you already.
I lock my phone and try to focus on my music blasting in my ears now that Porter is busy.
Seven days until I see him again. We haven’t known each other all that long, so it shouldn’t feel like such a loss.
It’s unclear to me exactly when he became someone I think about all the time, but I don’t actually want to stop, especially now that I’m thinking about hooking up with him.
Fuck, it’s been almost two months since my last hookup, and honestly, I don’t even have interest in flirting my way into someone else’s bed.
Not when I can be in Porter’s. Even if it hasn’t been sexual. Yet.
Shit, this is going to be a long week.
The game isn’t even close.
By halftime, the scoreboard already felt a little embarrassing, and by the fourth quarter, their bench has gone quiet in that way that makes me genuinely feel bad.
I hate running the score up, I really do, even if scoring more could help me chip away at a career record of one hundred points faster.
Which is why I’m grateful to hear the final whistle blow.
“Nice work!” Tim shouts, chest-bumping me. I echo the statement back to him and the rest of the guys.
We jog off the field together, shake hands, then grab our stuff to head into the locker room for Coach to give us a quick speech.
I’m itching to see if Porter texted me, but I try to focus on what Coach is saying, mostly compliments and what we need to work on for the conference games.
The second it’s over, I unlock my phone and see a text from him.
Porter
Good luck today
A smile takes over my face. I wished I saw that before the game, but seeing it now still means just as much.
Will
We won. By a lot.
Will
I scored three times.
Porter
I expected nothing less.
Porter
Jk, I actually don’t even know what position you play. Is that good? Or do I need to become friends with another lacrosse guy
I laugh at his follow up text, but apparently I have a possessive side because the thought of him befriending anyone else in this room still pisses me off just as much as it did when I almost invited him out for wings before deciding I hated that idea.
Absolutely no one in this room is deserving of him.
Will
I play midfield so offense and defense, and no need to make new friends. I won’t let you down this season.
Maybe if I do get close to my hundredth point, I can invite him to that game.
I’ll just have to try my best to time it for a home game.
We don’t have a ton of time, so I set my phone down and head into the showers, knowing I can text him back on the bus.
Speeding through the motions, I’m in and out quickly, eager to see his reply.
Porter
Ah, so you’re vers. Nice.
Vers? What is he talking about?
I scroll up, reread my message, then reread his. I feel like I’m missing something.
Is this gay slang? This feels like gay slang.
I open the internet and search “what is vers,” and the first site that comes up is a gay dating website’s blog. They definitely know what they’re talking about, so I click on the link and quickly learn that it’s short for versatile and is used for someone who enjoys topping and bottoming.
Huh. Interesting, and I totally get his joke now.
Before I open my messages back up to respond, I feel someone hovering next to me. I look over my shoulder and catch Nathan staring at my phone before snapping his eyes up to glare at me. I should probably get dressed and pack my shit, but I have a nagging feeling that’s not why he’s glaring at me.
I turn to face him fully. I have no reason to be ashamed of my search. “What?”
“Why are you looking that up?” he demands.
I guess it does seem a bit random that I’m looking up queer sex terms in the locker room after our game. “Porter made a joke, and I didn’t get it,” I explain.
Nathan looks at me skeptically for a second then shakes his head and puts his headphones over his ears, then immediately pulls them off again like he changed his mind.
“Just—” he starts, then stops. Clears his throat. “Maybe be more careful doing shit like that in public. Some people are assholes.”
I study him for a second, trying to figure out why he’s being so weird about this when he’s never cared who I text, flirt, or go home with before.
Not that I’ve gone home with Porter in the “hookup” sense yet, but he has no idea I’ve been thinking about that.
Is it just because Porter is gay? I’ve tried to give Nathan the benefit of the doubt, but his cryptic comments are really pissing me off.
We’ve been close for years, but if he’s going to be a homophobic dick then I have no problem cutting him off if I have to.
“Do you have an issue with my friendship with him?”
“No. I don’t,” he says firmly, making me feel a tiny bit better. “But the other guys—”
“Fuck other people. I don’t give a shit what any of these guys think. If someone is going to be an asshole because I’m looking something up to educate myself and not sound ignorant, fuck them.”
He nods, and puts his headphones back on before exiting the locker room, leaving me feeling unsettled. He said he doesn’t have a problem with it, but then why does he continue to bring it up?
Distracted, I change and start throwing my shit in my bag. I’m one of the last people in here now, so I’ll have to text Porter back when we get on the bus.