Chapter 24 #2
“What was?”
He lifted his head and looked directly into her eyes. One of his jaw muscles flexed, but when he spoke, his voice was incredibly calm. “She faked losing it, Lilly. While I was at an away game. I was devastated. I was grieving for a child that never existed.”
Her heart broke and she found it hard to breathe.
It must have been horrific for Austin, stuck in a strange city, unable to be there for Christine and their unborn baby.
He probably felt guilty and spent weeks, months, just miserable and broken.
And the thought that the child had never existed, that he had only suffered because Christine hadn’t wanted a divorce…
Her eyes burned as if someone were striking a hundred matches in them at once.
“Oh, Austin,” she whispered, her voice breaking.
“Yeah, it was hell,” he replied dryly, as if trying not to infuse his words with too much emotion.
“All because she didn’t want to lose the perks that came with being married to a rich, famous, NHL player.
And we were married for years afterward.
I didn’t want to leave her with her grief…
and I was too comfortable. It wasn’t all her fault. ”
Lilly saw it differently, but she kept her opinion to herself. Instead, she asked in a husky voice, “How did you find out?”
"Two years later. I tried several times to talk to her about the miscarriage, but she always shut me down. I thought she was repressing it all. She was always a bit cold and distant and I thought maybe the whole thing had traumatized her. I wanted to help her process the loss somehow, so I called her gynecologist to ask what I could do to make it easier for her. And…” He hesitated.
“The gynecologist didn’t know anything about the pregnancy,” Lilly whispered.
“No. Her name was on the blood tests, but she knew nothing about it. She would never have ordered such a test and Christine had never been pregnant in her life. I confronted her about it directly and she admitted that she’d lied.
I moved out that same evening.” He swallowed audibly.
“The divorce dragged on. We were separated for two years before it was finalized, and after that…shit, after that, I had no desire to ever trust any woman enough to let her into my life again. Or to tell anyone about Christine. I didn’t want to date.
I didn’t want a family anymore. I was…happier on my own. Or so I thought.”
“God, Austin.” Lilly hastily wiped a tear from her cheek before stepping forward and pulling him into a tight hug.
She didn’t care if anyone saw her or if Delfina noticed.
She couldn’t imagine how awful those years had been for him.
“It’s terrible. No, terrible is actually too mild.
That word doesn’t do it justice.” Her throat tightened as she thought about what it must have been like for him when she’d shown up... with a child he didn’t know about.
Shit, he thought she’d just been another liar setting him up.
She let her arms fall and squeezed her eyes shut.
“I’m so sorry, Austin,” she whispered in a thin voice.
“It’s okay. What happened with Christine was a long time ago…”
“No, that’s not what I mean,” she interrupted, taking a shaky breath.
“I’m so sorry you didn’t know about Delfina.
I didn’t want to take the last nine years from you.
I was young, I was desperate, and I should have made sure the letter and the emails reached you.
You’re right. If I’d really wanted you to know you had a daughter, you would have.
I convinced myself the letters and emails were enough, but…
I should have told you in person. Maybe there was a small part of me that didn’t want you to know.
I was just so scared back then. You hurt me so much, then I was pregnant, and all my dreams and plans suddenly seemed meaningless.
But when I first held Delfina in my arms, I didn’t care about anything.
I only needed her, and I didn’t want to share her.
I was almost relieved that you didn’t show up because you would have made things so much more complicated.
I hated you, yet at the same time, I couldn’t forget you, and the thought of seeing you for the rest of my life while you were married…
and Delfina feeling like she was nothing but the result of a stupid night and a burden on your marriage…
The thought was unbearable.” She rubbed her moist eyes, her heart threatening to sink.
But she continued, “So I stopped trying to contact you. Instead, I spent ten years avoiding coming back to the U.S. and L.A. for fear of running into you. And that was selfish and unfair, and I’m sorry. ”
“It’s okay,” Austin murmured, gently pressing a finger under her chin to make her look at him. “Are you listening? It’s okay, Lilly. I’ve forgiven you. I’m just so glad to have you two. The last few months have possibly been the best of my life.”
Have you two. Not Delfina. You two.
Her eyes burned uncontrollably, and she believed he meant it.
A tingling sensation began in her chest, quickly spreading throughout her entire body, before she whispered, “Mine too. I… Yeah, mine too.”