Chapter Fifteen Eliott
When the final Friday rolls around and Dane puts the finishing touches on Nan’s patio, I can’t even pretend like I’m happy about it.
I realise, as I watch Nan shuffle around her newly repaired patio inspecting every inch of it with eagle eyes, that I’ve started to look forward to our Friday evenings together.
They’ve somehow become the only pocket of time I have where I don’t have to worry about anything at all.
It’s like Dane has neatly slotted himself into this gap in my life I didn’t even realise was there.
I don’t have to think twice when it comes to him.
There’s nothing niggling at the back of my mind.
No work. No family. No crisis that’s just waiting on the periphery, ready to break and consume my thoughts.
‘A job well done,’ Nan says after her third full inspection of the patio.
There’s a soft smile tugging at her lips, and I know she’s more pleased than she wants to let on.
I can’t imagine how frustrating it’s been for her to have her garden inaccessible for so long, and I feel a pulse of guilt for not having sorted it out sooner. ‘Thank you, Dane.’
‘It’s been my pleasure, Gloria.’
I’m not sure when Nan and Dane got on first-name terms, but it’s weird. Nan was a teacher back in the day and I’ve seen her scold adults twice my age for assuming familiarity and using her first name, but she doesn’t seem to mind when it comes to Dane.
‘Stay for dinner,’ Nan orders as she climbs back up the garden steps and into the house.
Dane opens his mouth to, I assume, politely decline, just like he’s done every Friday for the last five weeks, but I get there first.
‘Yeah.’ I lean against the doorframe as casually as I can. ‘You should stay. Unless—’
‘No “unless”,’ Nan scoffs. ‘He’s staying.’ She leaves no room for argument and shuffles back inside the kitchen.
As soon as she’s out of sight, Dane raises a brow. ‘Unless?’
‘Unless you’ve got somewhere else to be?’ I say with a shrug. I jog down the steps and come to sit by his side on the patio. ‘It’s your first free Friday night in over a month. I don’t want to assume.’
I’m fishing.
He knows it. I know it. Hell, if Nan was still listening in, she’d know it too.
A laugh rumbles out of him. It’s deep, like rolling thunder, and settles in the depths of my chest. ‘ Somewhere ?’
‘Sure,’ I laugh with him. ‘You’ve got your Friday nights free again. The legions of women lining up to date you can resume their regularly scheduled programming.’
‘A line ?’ he snorts, clearly amused. ‘There’s no line, Eliott.’
I find that hard to believe. ‘Maybe not a physical line, but—’
‘There’s not a line right now, anyway,’ Dane says firmly. He glances at me as he says it and then looks away.
‘You’re off the market?’ I ask. He’s not mentioned a girlfriend, but I suppose I haven’t asked. Despite the rampant flirting, love and dating have been the only topics we’ve both seemed to mutually agree to avoid over the last month.
But the month is over now and I can’t pretend like I haven’t developed a kind of morbid curiosity about Dane’s love life.
He seems the type to always to have a date lined up and, now that I’m done monopolising his Friday, I expect him to get right back into it.
Even if the thought of it does irritate me for reasons I’d rather not dwell on right now.
For a moment, the mask slips and the expression on his face is one I’m not used to. He looks almost… hurt . The moment is fleeting and his trademark grin is back up so fast, I almost wonder if it ever disappeared. ‘No. And that’s not happening anytime soon.’
‘Ah.’ Now that’s in line with the Dane I’ve built up in my head. The one who flits from woman to woman without a second thought.
‘Don’t say ah like that,’ Dane mutters, bumping his leg against mine.
‘I’m not judging you,’ I say quickly. Probably too quickly, because he raises an eyebrow in disbelief. ‘I’m not . I get it. You like to have fun.’
He appraises me with hooded eyes, and I get the faintest shadow of a smile from him. ‘I do.’
‘But you don’t want anything else?’ I push, my curiosity getting the better of me.
A silence settles over us and it feels like, for the first time, I’ve stepped over an invisible line. I can see the irritation flash across his face at the line of questioning and my apology immediately bubbles up my throat.
‘Sorry, you don’t—’ I offer him a weak grin. ‘I was just being nosy.’
Dane leans back onto his arms and looks up at the sky. ‘It’s not that I don’t want anything else.’ His voice is muted, like he’s thinking out loud rather than purposefully answering my question. ‘It’s more like I’ve realised that lifestyle isn’t for me.’
‘Lifestyle?’
He tilts his head in my direction and gives me a sad smile. ‘The Cash and Bailey story. You know? Love? Happily ever after? That kind of shit. It’s not for me.’
‘You don’t think love is for you?’ I ask, incredulously. ‘There’s not a cap on who gets to be loved, Dane. It’s not a finite resource. You know that, right?’
‘In theory.’ He breathes out a dry, sardonic laugh.
I don’t expect him to elaborate. We’ve strayed way off our usual path and I wouldn’t blame him if he wanted to abruptly change the topic.
‘I’ve had two girlfriends,’ he says, after an extended beat of silence.
‘And I guess you could say neither relationship ended well.’
‘What happened?’
‘They both cheated,’ Dane says with a shrug. I can tell that it’s supposed to be light and airy. Like this doesn’t bother him anymore. But there’s a stiffness to the way he holds himself. The way he clenches his jaw and his gaze won’t meet mine.
‘I was young for the first one. Only nineteen. And it sucked obviously. Hurt like hell, but I guess I convinced myself that it was an age thing. That maybe I wasn’t that great a boyfriend, anyway.’
He shoots me that same sad smile again.
‘And then it happened again. I think I was—’ He pauses and clucks his tongue, pretending like he’s actually having to think about it. ‘I was twenty-three. And she blamed me.’
‘She blamed you ?’ I feel furious on his behalf, even though this happened close to a decade ago. ‘Dane, you know—’
‘I know,’ he cuts me off with another dry huff.
‘It’s not on me. Don’t worry. Cash has been through this with me more times than I can count over the years.
She cheated because she had her own issues.
I get that. But it was what she said. Her reasoning for it.
That I wasn’t enough.’ He shrugs again. ‘And I tried to be, for her. You know? I did all the things a good boyfriend is supposed to do. I – I thought I loved her.’
‘And now you’re not so sure?’
Another shrug. ‘Got nothing to compare it to.’
‘So what? You just stopped trying?’
‘Pretty much,’ he laughs. ‘Once sucks. Twice is truly fucking awful. Wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. And three times?’ He gives me a wry grin. ‘I’m not enough of a masochist to try.’
‘Dane.’
He groans and shakes his head. ‘What was it you said back at the restaurant? I’m not here for your sympathy or anything like that ?’
A memory clicks into place. ‘You just wanted to explain?’
He nods. ‘You’ve got your hang-ups, I’ve got mine.’
He’s right. Who am I to offer sympathy or advice when I’m pretty much in the same boat as him? We’ve both been hurt by people we trusted and we’ve had to put up walls to protect ourselves. His constant flirting and nonchalant attitude makes a lot more sense to me now.
It’s a way for him to take control again. If he’s the one in charge, the one calling the shots and deciding how long something will last or how serious it’ll ever be, he can’t get hurt again.
I get it.
I truly do understand, but I can’t help but feel a wave of sadness towards him. Maybe I’ll never have an orgasm, but I haven’t abandoned all thoughts of falling in love. Not yet anyway.
But Dane’s chosen his path. I can see it in his eyes, the stubborn glint that tells me there’s not a thing anyone could say to him to make him change his mind.
I clear my throat. ‘When was the last time you had some fun?’
Dane’s grin morphs into something a little more natural, more familiar, and he wiggles his brows. ‘Are you offering?’
There we go.
‘No,’ I snort and smack his thigh. There’s that warmth again, blooming under my fingertips at the contact. ‘But I will be your wingman.’
Dane’s brows disappear into his hairline and I don’t blame him. The offer comes out of my mouth before my brain really has the chance to register what I’m saying. ‘ You’ll wingman me ?’
‘I’m great at it.’ It’s true. The only reason Sasha even gave Wes a second glance was because of me, and look at them now. ‘And you deserve some fun.’
He stares at me for a few seconds, chewing the inside of his cheek. ‘And what about you? Do you deserve some fun, Eliott ?’
He’s doing it again. Saying my name in that drawn-out kind of way, like he wants to savour it on his tongue.
I force a smile and try not to put too much thought into the disappointment I’m currently feeling.
We’re back to our usual status quo.
Sasha hasn’t stopped grinning all night. From the moment Dane turned up at our door, as we piled into our Uber, and even as we stepped through the doors of the venue, Sasha’s brown-lined lips have been pulled into a wide smile.
If Dane’s noticed anything off about her tonight, he hasn’t mentioned it.
‘Can you stop ?’ I hiss when the two of us finally get a brief moment alone as Dane and Wes head to the bar to get us some drinks.
‘Stop what?’ Sasha says, her voice an innocent sing-song.
‘You know exactly what you’re doing.’
‘I’m having a great time with my boyfriend and my best friend and her—’ Sasha gives a deliberate and dramatic pause as she pretends to think. ‘Hm. How would you describe your relationship with Dane?’
‘We’re friends ,’ I grit out. ‘So you can stop all of this now.’
She flutters her eyelashes at me, a picture of innocence. ‘Stop what?’