Chapter Twenty-Seven Dane
There’s something about seeing your best friend put on the tuxedo he’s about to marry your sister in that makes time stand still.
My unused bedroom has been turned into the unofficial groom’s suite for the day and myself and the other three groomsmen all crowd around Cash as he puts the finishing touches on his outfit.
As I watch him adjust his tie in front of the mirror, my mind starts to flood with memories of the last two and a half decades of our lives.
Cash is in every single one of my core memories, grinning by my side; a shoulder to cry on when I’ve needed him, an endlessly supportive hand ready to pull me up. He’s been a brother in everything but name for the last twenty years and, after today, he’ll officially become family.
Cash straightens his bow tie and the weight of the moment settles around the room.
‘Looking good, man,’ Finn says with a wide grin.
‘Groom of the year,’ James says, lifting his champagne glass in toast.
Everyone murmurs in agreement, and I clear my throat. I hadn’t been expecting the wave of emotion I’m currently feeling, but I lean into it and clap Cash on the shoulder, pulling him in for a one-armed hug.
‘I’m so proud of you, man,’ I say, my vision blurring ever so slightly as I stare at our reflections in the mirror. ‘There’s no one I’d trust more with my sister’s heart than you. You’re an inspiration to everyone in this room.’
I pause and swallow a sudden lump in my throat as I think about the ways Cash makes it his sole mission on Earth to love on my sister.
She’s never shed so much as a single tear when it comes to Cash and I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that he’ll dedicate the rest of his life to making her even happier than he already does.
And what more could you want for your little sister?
‘You give me hope,’ I continue with a slightly watery smile. ‘One day, maybe I’ll finally find love like this. But until then…’ I reach for my glass of champagne and hold it high in the air. ‘To Cash and Bailey.’
‘To Cash and Bailey,’ Finn, James and Leo all echo in agreement, raising their own glasses in support.
Cash doesn’t say a word. For some reason, the smile on his face has been wiped in favour of an odd frown. He’s looking at me like I’ve suddenly sprouted another head.
‘You can’t be serious,’ Cash says, his voice a droll deadpan. He shakes his head and then runs a stressed hand through his hair. ‘Dane. Come on now, man.’
I frown. ‘What? You didn’t like my speech?’
Well, that doesn’t bode well for my best man’s speech at the reception later.
Cash huffs out a frustrated puff of air through his nostrils. ‘You are serious. You’re actually serious.’
I glance over at the others and, to my relief, can tell that they’re just as confused as I am.
‘Talking about how I’m an inspiration and I give you hope that you’ll finally find love one day?’ Cash rolls his eyes. ‘Come on .’
I’m still not getting it and the confusion must be evident on my face because Cash suddenly puts both hands on my shoulders, looks me square in the eye, and gives me a shake. ‘Dane. You. Are. In. Love .’
I blink at my best friend in disbelief. ‘What?’
‘You’re in love, Dane,’ Cash says with an exasperated laugh. ‘With Eliott. You love Eliott and I’d say you’ve probably been in love with her for a while now.’
The room around me starts to spin slightly. ‘ What ?’
Cash groans and pulls away. ‘It’s my wedding day. I can’t do this. Finn, you’re up.’
Finn gives me a sheepish grin. ‘Yeah, I guess I kind of just assumed you and Eliott were together?’
Beside him, both James and Leo nod in agreement.
‘I didn’t realise that you weren’t until Amber and Cash made that bet on the train.’
My eyes slide over to Cash, who at least has the decency to look somewhat apologetic.
‘We were wondering how long it would take you guys to make things official. I said it’d be after the wedding. Amber said she gave you guys twelve hours.’
‘Amber won,’ Finn clarifies cheerfully.
‘Yeah,’ I mutter as I slide down into the nearest armchair. The world around me is still spinning, still slightly out of focus. ‘I got that.’
‘Listen,’ Cash crouches beside me and gives me a sympathetic grin. ‘I didn’t say this to give you a nervous breakdown.’
‘Really ? ’
‘Really,’ Cash laughs. ‘I thought you knew and you guys just weren’t ready to say anything yet.’
‘But I don’t— I can’t —’
Love is not for me. I know this better than anyone else in the world. I’m just not built for it. I’m not Cash. I’m not Finn. I’m me .
Dane Clarke.
The guy who is never enough.
And Eliott deserves more than enough. More than I can give her.
Right?
Cash gives my thigh a sympathetic squeeze.
‘I know you’ve been hurt before,’ he says, dropping his voice to a low murmur that only I can hear.
‘And you’ve put up walls to stop it from happening again.
But I think those walls have been up so long, you can’t recognise real love when you feel it anymore. ’
I lean back into the armchair and try to sort through my thoughts. Do I love Eliott?
Really, genuinely love her?
I care about her. I know that for sure. I want to be the reason she wakes up with a smile every morning.
I want to be the person she can rely on without even having to think twice about it.
I want to be the constant in her life – the one thing she never has to worry about because she knows I’ll always be there.
Is that love?
Almost as if on cue, there’s a sharp knock on the door and Eliott’s voice suddenly floats through the wood. ‘Are you guys decent? I’m here to take your “getting ready” photos.’
Just the sound of her voice realigns my entire world. The walls stop spinning and everything comes back into perfect focus.
Cash gives me a knowing smirk before he turns his head and calls out, ‘Come on in, Eliott. We’re good.’
My heart stops, then starts and then stops again as the door is pushed open and Eliott comes striding in.
Do I love Eliott ? I ask myself the question again as I take in the sight of her. She’s wearing a flowy green dress that pinches at her waistline, showing off the beautiful curves I spent the previous night tracing with my fingers. She looks absolutely gorgeous. That goes without saying.
But do I love her?
The smile she’s wearing softens slightly as her brown eyes scan the room and eventually land on me. All the moisture in my mouth evaporates and I choke on any hope of a greeting I had on the tip of my tongue.
Yes.
The answer comes to me with unwavering clarity.
I do love her.
Now I’ve admitted it to myself, it seems so obvious. How could I not love someone as brilliant, as sweet, and as caring as Eliott? Someone who gives her all to the people she cares about without asking anything in return.
She might not ask for it, but I want to give it to her, anyway.
I want to give her the world if she’ll let me.
I love this woman with every fibre of my being, and the thought terrifies me.
Because I’ve been here before and I know how this ends. And it can’t end like that this time. Not again. Not with Eliott.
A memory floats to the forefront of my mind.
Eliott, sick in bed and curled around me for extra warmth.
I remember that day perfectly. The way she leaned on me and let me take care of her when she needed it.
How she felt pressed up against me as we cuddled in her bed.
And how she made my heart stop when she lifted her head and murmured, still slightly delirious, ‘ You’re more than enough for me . ’
Did she mean that or was it a sickness-induced bout of insanity?
I’m running on autopilot as Eliott stages us for photos. I can barely remember a word anyone says as I let them shuffle me this way and that, forcing a grin onto my face for the camera.
Part of me wishes that Cash had never said anything at all. That he just let me live in my self-imposed delusion for the rest of my days.
But another steadily growing part of me is grateful he said anything, because now I’m allowing myself the opportunity to imagine a world where me and Eliott have the chance to grow into something amazing.
And I’m starting to like the idea of living in that world.