Chapter Thirty-Nine
LUCY
It took about three seconds after the door to Nicky’s suite closed for Lucy to realize that she didn’t have her room key.
Three additional seconds passed and she realized that her phone and her keycard were both in the formal clutch she’d left at the table in the reception room.
It took five seconds more for Lucy to decide that she couldn’t go back to Nicky’s room and its guarantee of further conversation about unsolvable problems.
She padded down the corridor toward Kim’s door and her final opportunity to avoid a humiliating trip to the hotel lobby in a bathrobe with sex hair.
The whole stupid situation made her feel even more out of control.
She was clearly failing at her forties in much the same way she’d failed at her thirties.
Shit, her twenties hadn’t exactly been stellar either.
But at least then she had the excuse of not being fully cooked.
Lucy felt nothing like a grown-up as she slinked down the hall and knocked on Kim’s door. She felt like a damn fool.
Lucy’s knock was met with a loud clang and some grumbling.
Thank God.
Kim opened the door still in her gorgeous silk gown, mascara streaked under her eyes.
‘Damn, you okay?’ Lucy asked.
‘Might have passed out on the couch,’ Kim said, ushering Lucy in. ‘At least, I think I started on the couch. Woke up on the floor.’
Lucy went straight to the kitchen and poured a glass of water, then headed for the bathroom where she found Kim’s stash of pain relievers right where she knew they’d be.
When she got back to the living room, she found Kim sitting on the coffee table with her head in her hands.
‘Here,’ Lucy said, offering the Tylenol and water.
‘Thanks.’ Kim swallowed everything down and sighed. ‘Don’t think we’re not getting into this whole situation,’ Kim said, waving a hand at Lucy’s bathrobe. ‘Just give me a second for the room to stop spinning.’
‘Did you have fun?’ Lucy asked gently, settling herself on the couch.
‘Obviously,’ Kim quipped. ‘But they have about three more hours in ’em down there. And don’t even mention the after party. They’ll be at it till dawn. If you tell anybody this, I’ll deny it, but it turns out I’m too fucking old for an after party.’
‘Your secret’s safe with me.’ Lucy’s hand came to rest on Kim’s knee. ‘Think you need a trash can?’
‘No,’ Kim replied. ‘It’s not my stomach. It’s my head. It’ll pass.’ Kim flopped herself around and sat next to Lucy on the sofa. ‘Now, tell me.’
‘Nicky asked me to go with him. On tour,’ Lucy blurted.
‘Wow.’
‘Yeah. Fucking nuts, right? Can you imagine? Dropping out of your life completely and just following a guy around? On tour?’
‘Yes, yes I can,’ Kim said flatly.
‘ What ?’
‘I mean, I know where you’re headed with this, because I know you so well it’s fucking terrifying. Still, um, yep. I could totally see myself doing that. Any day. As a matter of fact, when you tell him no, why don’t you go ahead and offer to send me in your place?’
That made Lucy’s stomach churn. The idea of Kim and Nicky?
No. Nope. No, thank you.
‘Kim, if one of my students came to me and said they were dropping out to follow their boyfriend on tour I would tell them that they were fucking nuts.’
Kim leaned back into the sofa and began running her hands through the tangles in her hair.
‘Some nineteen-year-old dropping out of college to follow a stoner and his worthless friends in their garage band would be fucking nuts. If you’d take a second, you might realize that your situation is vastly different. ’
Lucy tugged at the belt of her bathrobe, felt emboldened and steadied by the tight cinch at her waist. ‘Is it, though? Kim, I consumed more Oprah Winfrey than grilled cheese growing up. I have seen the Barbie movie five times. I know my damn worth and the value of my dreams, dammit. I am liberated. I am a fucking feminist. I can’t just walk away from my career – from everything I’ve ever worked for. For a boy !’
Kim sat up to her full Lady Boss stature, spine like a steel spike, golden eyes all business.
‘Number one, Nick Broome is about the furthest thing from a boy I can imagine.’ She locked her gaze on Lucy.
‘Secondly, all of that – all of it – is fucking societal shit. Listen to yourself. Rewind and replay. None of those reasons have anything to do with you. With what you feel. Is Oprah going to sit at your desk in that sad little windowless office for the next twenty years? Is Barbie going to teach your classes? Will Gloria-goddamn-Steinem be coming to check on how well you’ve upheld the modern feminist ideal and reward you for it?
We’re not talking about you joining a damn polygamous cult here with husband-masters and a lifetime of servitude.
We’re talking about you choosing the life you want.
Dreams can fucking change, Lucy. It’s allowed . ’
Lucy shook her head, but it didn’t clear. It still felt like she’d been stuffed full of complicated thoughts and couldn’t arrange them in any sort of coherent way. ‘You don’t know what it’s like. It’s so much.’
Kim closed her eyes and threw her head back. Exhaled in a dramatic huff. ‘I do. I do know.’ When her eyes peeled open again, she said, ‘I left the firm. I’m leaving law completely . I fucking hate it. And I’m done.’
‘What? When?’ Lucy sputtered.
‘Before I came out to Vegas,’ Kim said sheepishly.
‘Why didn’t you tell me?’
‘You had enough going on with the wedding and the panoply of ex-husbands.’
‘ Kim —’
‘And, if I’m honest, I sort of thought you’d give me some version of that Oprah-feminist garbage and try to talk me out of it.’
Failure. It was the only word Lucy could form at that moment. She’d failed Devin. And Kim. She’d failed at casual. She’d failed at keeping her shit together. Lucy’s tears started up, free and unrestrained. She didn’t even try to hold them back.
‘Kim, I’m so sorry. I would never—’
That wasn’t true, Lucy realized. She probably would have given some dumb lecture. She was a college professor, after all; lectures were sort of her go-to.
Lucy started again, ‘I’m sorry you felt you couldn’t tell me. How do you feel about it? Do you feel good about it?’
That was the right thing to ask, right?
Kim’s shoulders sagged a little. It made her look young and vulnerable. Lucy reached out and grabbed her best friend’s hand. Kim said, ‘It’s scary as shit. But I feel great about it. I really do. I feel like a huge weight has lifted off my shoulders.’
Lucy bit back all the panicky questions that were begging to tip out of her gaping mouth. What about money? Security? All that time you dedicated to your career? All that effort for what? To waste it? What about everything you sacrificed to get to this place? You’re just going to throw it away?
She said none of it. Instead, Lucy asked, ‘What are going to do now?’
‘I don’t know,’ Kim replied, a huge grin spreading on her face. ‘I have no fucking clue and it is glorious . I could do anything, Luce. Absolutely anything. I’m getting out of DC – that’s for sure. I have plenty of savings. I’m just going to be for a while.’
‘Wow,’ Lucy breathed. That sounded terrifying.
‘You could, too,’ Kim said softly while squeezing Lucy’s hand. ‘Just be . With Nick Broome. If you wanted.’
‘It’s too hard, Kim. There are too many boulders in the way. It shouldn’t be this hard if it’s right. You know?’
‘No, I don’t. Who told you loving somebody would be easy? That’s stupid. Wasn’t that the theme of every single Nora Ephron movie? Who even are you?’
‘This isn’t a movie,’ Lucy huffed, pulling her hand from Kim’s, and cinching her belt again. She waited for the calm, steady feeling to follow, but it didn’t.
A long moment of silence passed. It had weight and substance, like Lucy could feel Kim’s thoughts stirring. Finally, Kim asked quietly, ‘Did you ever think that maybe they were all too easy?’
‘What do you mean? Who’s they ?’
Kim sighed. Gripped the back of her neck with a shaky hand. ‘Your husbands, honey,’ Kim said sweetly. ‘Your marriages.’ Lucy could tell that her friend was modulating her voice, trying to project calm. It pissed Lucy off.
‘What is that supposed to mean?’ Lucy protested.
Kim took a deep breath. A cleansing breath.
And it made Lucy want to scream. Finally, Kim said, ‘With Brandon you’d been dating forever.
Living together in Manhattan. Where it was harder to be alone and, at the time, really scary.
You were both in a weird place. And even though you had doubts you just went along. With what was easy and comfortable.’
Lucy shook her head, like her body was trying to spur a counter-argument. Her brain didn’t get the message.
Kim went on, ‘With Sam you were friends. Good friends. There weren’t any arguments. It was relaxed, uncomplicated. But there was also no passion. No fire. It was safe. Easy.’
‘Jesus, Kim,’ Lucy griped.
Kim’s hand rested on Lucy’s arm before she continued, ‘Then with Devin, it was all fire. He was there when you were lonely. He adored you, and the more difficult choice would have been to break it off when he wanted more. It would have been harder to say no when he asked you to marry him, even though deep down you knew that was probably the better course of action. It was easier to go along.’ Kim sighed before adding, ‘Be honest with yourself, Luce, if it had been you who was meant to do the asking, would you have proposed to any of them?’
Lucy’s stomach lurched at that. If she could have found the power of speech, she might have told Kim to stop. But she didn’t, so Kim carried on.
‘You cared for Devin and wanted him to be happy. You gave that to him even though it didn’t make you happy. You never got bitter about Sam – though you had every right to – because James made him happy.’
Lucy was stunned. Hurt and embarrassed and angry about a thousand other things she didn’t have the strength or energy to put a name to.
‘What the actual fuck, Kim?’ Lucy spat. ‘That’s just fucking cruel—’
Kim’s voice raised to match Lucy’s. ‘Go ahead and get angry. I can take it. Honestly, I’m glad you’re pissed.
I should have said something years ago. I was a fucking coward, okay?
You have every right to be absolutely livid with me right now.
But this right here,’ Kim said, waving her hand between the two of them.
‘ This is forever. If you wake up with a dead hooker in your bed, I’ll be there with a shovel. You hear me? I love you, dammit.’
Lucy could only stare at the coffee table and sink under the weight of Kim’s damning assessment of every adult relationship she’d ever had.
‘Shit,’ she muttered.
She felt Kim rise from the sofa. Felt a warm cozy blanket being wrapped around her shoulders.
Heard Kim whisper, ‘I’m sorry it took me so long, Lucy.
I love you.’ Felt a kiss being pressed to the top of her head.
Saw the lights go off around her. Heard Kim’s soft footsteps rise and fall and finally disappear entirely, leaving only cold, uncomfortable silence behind.