6. Troy
August, Present Day
Maple Ridge
I lie on my bed,exhausted. Happily sated. Fighting to regain my breath after I made mind-melting love to Jess. My brothers and our friends left less than an hour ago after she and I beat everyone at charades.
Jess rests her head on my chest, and I trace lazy patterns on the small of her back. “Tell me about your daughter.” The request rolls quietly from between my lips.
Until five days ago, I had no idea Jess had a daughter. A daughter she gave away her rights to so Amelia could grow up in a stable home with loving parents.
Amelia was two years old when Jess was charged with first-degree murder over five years ago. She won’t remember Jess. She won’t recognize the woman I just made love to as her biological mother.
My heart clenches at the pain Jess struggles with daily because she misses her daughter. The pain responsible for her risking everything to get Violet and Sophie away from Wilson. She didn’t want mother and daughter to be separated and have to face the same heartache as her.
Jess doesn’t reply at first, as if collecting her thoughts. Or maybe her daughter is an invisible line I crossed, and Jess is annoyed.
She draws in a long slow breath, her breasts pressing against me with the rise of her chest. “She’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. She was my reason for getting up each morning, the sunlight on the darkest days. Whenever it was just the two of us, she would be all smiles and giggles.” The equivalent of an easy grin sneaks into Jess’s tone. “She loved playing on the sand and jumping in the water when the small waves rushed up the beach. And she loved shells. We would go to the beach and hunt for them whenever we could.”
“What else did she like?”
“Bunnies and dogs and cats. Any animals, really. She had a floppy puppy that she took everywhere with her.” Jess laughs, the soft vibrations traveling through my body. “The poor thing would get so dirty, but it was impossible to wash it. I couldn’t get her to part with it long enough. I managed to find an identical puppy one day while we were shopping. Amelia had fallen asleep in the stroller and didn’t notice me buying it. It was in better shape than the original because it hadn’t been crazily loved at that point, but Amelia didn’t notice. Whenever it was laundry day, I would switch the two puppies and wash the dirty one. The trick worked like a charm.”
I laugh, still stroking the curve of Jess’s spine. “You’re very resourceful.”
She grins at me, her beautiful brown eyes sparkling with love for her daughter. “You have to be when you’re a mother.”
“You miss her.” It’s not a question. I already know the answer.
“Every day.” Heartbreak splinters her voice, twists my insides into knots. I love Jess and miss her when she’s not with me. I might have only known her for four months, but I already can’t imagine a life without her in it. But what Jess is going through…I hope I never have to experience that level of loss with a child.
I tuck her hair behind her ear, tracing my fingertips along the curve of her cheekbone. “Do you regret giving her up for adoption?”
“Yes and no. I didn’t want her growing up resenting me every day of her life, believing the worst about me. If I had served the full sentence, she would’ve been twenty-seven by the time I was released. I doubted she’d want anything to do with me by then.” Jess lightly caresses my chest. “Knowing that made it slightly easier to let Craig and Grace adopt her. They’re good people. They aren’t anything like my husband and Lincoln—Craig’s youngest brother.
“But at the time of my sentencing, I had no idea I would only serve five years. It’s just as well I hadn’t known. I was a mess when I was released from prison, as you know.” She gives me a sad smile. “I’m still a mess, trying to figure out who I am. Amelia needs a mother who has it all together.”
“You’re not a mess, Jess. You’re doing well, all things considered.” I tighten my good arm around her, wishing I knew how to steal away her pain and doubt and insecurity. “You mentioned you want to convert Lizzie’s old bedroom into a room for Amelia?”
Her smile is wider this time, but her eyes are no less sad. “I did say that. It’s a silly dream. I was hoping Craig and Grace would eventually let Amelia visit me. But why would they?” Jess rests her hand above my heart. “Why would they risk their daughter’s well-being with someone like me? Someone who’s spent five years in a maximum-security prison?”
“Have you talked to them since you moved to Maple Ridge?”
“Yes.” Jess looks away from me to the darkness outside my bedroom window. “They were the ones who set things in motion for me to come here. They and Anne Carstairs share a mutual friend. When Grace told their friend I needed a place to stay for a few months to heal, the friend talked to Anne. She didn’t tell Anne all the details about my past, but she told her enough, and Anne offered to let me stay in Iris’s house.”
Jess shifts to rest her head on the pillow, her gaze moving to the ceiling. “I phoned Grace a few weeks ago, asking for a chance to be in Amelia’s life again. Not as her mother, mind you.” Jess’s words are so pained and soft, I’m almost afraid to find out what happened. I have a feeling I already know. “I thought given what she and Craig had done to help me start over…I took that as a good sign.”
“What happened?”
“She told me it wasn’t a good idea. It was too soon.” Jess’s voice cracks. “I’d just gotten out of Beckley. She and Craig needed more time. I needed more time to…to get my life together.”
“How much time?” My voice comes out harsher than I expected, and it’s directed at the woman who has Jess’s bruised heart in her hands.
“Grace didn’t say. She had to go help Amelia find her missing sandal. But ever since I told Robyn what happened, I’ve been working at getting my life on a better footing.” Jess shrugs, her shoulder brushing mine. “I mean, other than the part about me hiding Violet and Sophie in my house. Anyway, I’m almost ready to ask Grace if I’m together enough for her to let me see Amelia. I’m going to ask her soon.”
I kiss the top of Jess’s head, wishing I could protect her from the world that has let her down in so many ways. “You obviously love Amelia, and it sounds like you were a great mom. Would you like to have more kids one day?” I’ve asked her the same question previously, but that was before I found out she had been a mother prior to her life taking a hard turn. I’m curious if her answer has changed.
“I don’t know. It hurts not having Amelia in my life. I’m not sure I could survive losing any more children. Loving someone is the best feeling in the world. Losing them isn’t.”
I close my eyes against the truth of her answer and the underlying message clawing at my heart. She’s scared of love.
She once loved her husband, and that didn’t end well. She loved her mother, but her mother didn’t love her enough to stick around. She loved her grandmother, but her grandmother died. She loves Amelia, but the sacrifices she made for the little girl have crushed Jess. Crushed her and left her dealing with the loss of the one person she loves the most.
I open my eyes. “I love you and I’m not going anywhere,” I say softly. Not willingly, anyway.
But maybe that’s the point to what she’s been telling me. I love her, but she’s not planning to give me her heart. She’s not interested in taking that risk. In the end, I could lose her like she’s lost people she’s loved.
My chest tightens, a vise whose handle has been turned one too many times. If she doesn’t want to have kids, doesn’t want to let me in, what kind of a relationship can we have? I have no words, no suggestions to make things better. For me. For Jess.
Jess flips onto her elbows. A smile curls onto her face, so full and sweet, but the sadness in her eyes guts me.
She cups my face in her hand. I turn my head and kiss her palm.
She doesn’t say anything, doesn’t dispute what her eyes are telling me. That she’s not sure she can ever give her heart away again. And I don’t push the topic.
I once fought the enemy in Afghanistan. Faced life and death situations there. But right now, Jess is the strong one. I’m the coward. A coward because I’m afraid of rocking the boat of what we have between us.
Afraid of tipping it over and losing everything.
Of losing Jess.