58. Troy
September, Present Day
Maple Ridge
“I still can’t believeyou convinced the band to perform after all,” Simone says as she and I watch Pushing Limits onstage playing one of their big hits.
We’re standing on the grass with our friends and my brothers, enjoying the warm day and the entertainment. The five men onstage are currently performing to a sold-out audience, their fans jumping and dancing and screaming to the rock song. The loud rhythmic beat pulsates through my body.
It’s been three weeks since I drove to LA, but it still hasn’t sunk in that I convinced Mason Dell to play with the band for the sake of the festival.
If I didn’t know better, I would never have guessed they haven’t played together as a band in more than five years. They’ve played a mix of their older hits from when Mason was part of the band and their newer songs.
For the past two weeks, Mason and his family stayed in LA, partly so the band could rehearse together. And for that, I’m truly thankful. Today will go a long way in assisting individuals with PTSD and their families. The festival has also helped to build more awareness and understanding about the mental illness.
“I can’t believe you managed to pull off the festival,” Lucas says, hugging Simone from behind. “I bet you never expected it to be this successful.”
“You’re right. I didn’t. But thank Christ it’s almost over. And then I can return to having a normal, relatively stress-free life.” Stress free and lonely.
Fuck, I miss Jess. If it weren’t for her, Pushing Limits wouldn’t be here. She was the one who told me Mason had originally been the band’s drummer. I’d forgotten that.
The festival might be a huge success, but it doesn’t feel that way without Jess being part of the day. She didn’t want to risk showing up and bringing the wrong kind of media attention to the event. As it is, I’ve been fielding several interviews today and over the last few days about the festival and where the proceeds will be going.
By the time I’m finished here, I’m going to sleep for the next ten years. Or longer.
Nova is dancing to the music. I smile at the antics of the little girl…and at the sight of Lance’s arms secure around my best friend’s waist. Olivia is leaning back into him, looking happy and content. This relationship between them is new—only two weeks old—but I can tell it’s going to last.
But as thrilled as I am to see them together, it does nothing for the ache in my chest that only Jess can fill. I won’t go there again, though. I can’t keep surviving the pull and push between us. Can’t keep surviving the uncertainty and distrust that grows every time we’re together and she decides to sever our connection.
* * *
“Thank you for joining us!”Nolan tells the cheering audience through the microphone.
The guys from Pushing Limits wave to the audience. They’ve just finished their second encore and the audience doesn’t seem to be in a rush to see them go. Can’t say I blame them.
The festival will be shutting down in another hour. I can already taste the beer and stiff drink I plan to have tonight at Barside Brewery.
The band strides off stage, heading to where I’m standing beside the sound tech. I came backstage a few songs ago, waiting to talk to the band before they head out for LA.
They gather around me, their T-shirts soaked with sweat from their performance.
“That was great,” I tell them, fist-bumping each guy, my grin curved with gratitude and relief. “I can’t thank you enough for doing this.”
Mason nods, his smile friendly and bright against his brown skin. “You’re welcome.”
Nolan, the band’s lead singer, surveys the lit backstage where the roadies are busy doing their jobs. Large black-and-silver cases are stacked in piles in the middle of the open outdoor space. “I don’t suppose you know Savannah Townsend, do you?” he asks, sweat dripping from the messy light-brown strands of his hair.
Her name on his lips surprises me for so many reasons, and I’m not sure how to answer him without asking a million questions first. So I opt for the simplest reply. “I do. Why?”
“I’d like to talk to her.” There’s nothing nefarious about his tone, yet his request still puts me on edge.
“Any particular reason you want to talk to her?” I do my best not to yank up my alpha-male superhero underwear. He and the band did me a solid by performing today. They didn’t have to do that.
“She and I have something in common,” he explains. “And I can imagine she’s having a rough time with the fallout from all the media attention. I get that.”
I guess he would understand. The media has been unrelenting at times for the band. “I can take you to her house.” And stay to make sure she’s okay…with Nolan being there. But not because I want to see her. And not so I can make sure she’s okay—my brothers and our friends have insisted she’s fine.
The guys return to their tour bus to quickly shower first.
The need to see Jess clenches my heart in a tight fist. I might have driven past her house once or twice over the last three weeks, but I haven’t caught sight of her. And shit, if I don’t want to catch sight of her, if only for a moment.
Looks like now’s my chance.
Christ, I hope I’m not making a mistake seeing her again.
* * *
I drive Nolan,Mason, and Jared to Jess’s house and park in the driveway. There’s only enough room for four passengers, so Kirk and Aaron, the other band members, opted to stay with the bus.
I can do this. I can survive seeing her.
I walk with them to the front door and ring the doorbell. Just being here is a kick to the gut, and I’m ready to break out in a cold sweat. But my heart is also beating faster, the way it always does when I first see her.
The door opens, and all I can do is gape at Jess. Shit, she was gorgeous before, but this Jess, with golden-brown hair curling loosely above my favorite spot on her shoulder to kiss, is breath-stealingly gorgeous. She looks strong and unbreakable.
But I know that’s not true. She might have begun to heal, but she’s still shatterable. Amelia is the only thing that truly matters to her. The only thing she loves, other than Bailey.
Her beautiful brown eyes with flakes of gold lock on me, and for a second everything else vanishes. It’s just her and me and my aching heart.
A polite Have-you-forgotten-about-us? cough jerks me back to my reality. The reality without Jess.
“Sorry,” I say to the guys, to Jess, to whatever god is watching from above and cackling at me. “Jessica, this is Nolan, Mason, and Jared from Pushing Limits.” I point to each man in turn. “Nolan wanted to meet you. Guys, this is Savannah Townsend. But she goes by Jessica Smithson now.”
Jess stares at the guys as though she doesn’t know what to make of the three men gathered on her front stoop.
Bailey barks and pushes past Jess’s legs. Jess seems to snap out of her momentary shock, but not before Bailey looks up at me, her eyes round with excitement.
I kneel next to her. “Hey, girl. Haven’t seen you in a while. You’re getting so big.” Butterscotch has been miserable without his friend around.
Jess smiles sheepishly at the three men. “I’m sorry, c’mon in. Bailey, I didn’t give you the command to go outside.” Her tone is gentle as she reprimands her dog. Hearing her voice loosens something inside of me. Like a vital screw that keeps everything together.
Bailey looks at Jess and grins as if to bemoan, “But it’s Troy. Can’t I say hi to your ex-boyfriend?”
“My family has two golden retrievers,” Noah tells Jess. “I always miss the dogs when I go on tour.”
“You can’t bring them with you?” she asks.
“They’re not the most practical-sized dog to bring on the road, and I prefer they stay home to watch after Hailey and our kids.”
“That’s so sweet.” Jess smiles, and I really wish she hadn’t.
I have to glance down at Bailey because it hurts seeing that smile. A smile not directed at me. A smile that will never be meant for me again.
Jess steps aside, letting the guys into the house. “Do you mind if we sit outside in the backyard? It’s so nice out there with the sunset.”
Mason, Nolan, and Jared tell her they’re good with that, and she leads the way. I follow in the rear, enjoying the way her sexy ass moves as she walks. Luckily for me, she doesn’t turn and notice me appreciating the view, which I shouldn’t be doing. It only results in more heartache.
Bailey comes with us and makes the rounds to each man to officially greet them as we walk.
The garden hasn’t changed much since I last saw it, other than the early signs of fall. The flowers have faded and drooped and the leaves in the oak tree are turning reddish-brown—the color enhanced in the soft glow of the setting sun.
Jess offers them a drink. The guys thank her and tell her they’re fine. Everyone takes a seat.
Nolan sits next to her and leans forward, directing his words to her. “We’re heading back to LA soon. But I wanted to meet you and tell you I’m sorry for everything you’ve been through. My father was abusive. My mother and I were his favorite punching bags.” The pitch of his voice drops, his tone unfaltering. “He murdered her and my sister when I was nineteen, and I struggled for years from the guilt of not being able to protect them.”
Jess’s face pales and sympathy widens her eyes. If her husband hadn’t been murdered, that could have ended up being Jess’s and Amelia’s fate.
The thought of that almost brings me to my knees and hurling in a bush.
“I moved to LA,” Nolan goes on. “Changed my name. Pretended to be someone I wasn’t. It left a hole in me. I did eventually find the help I needed to heal, but that was after the media made my past everyone’s business. It was brutal.”
“I can imagine.” Jess’s voice is barely louder than a whisper.
“I recommend talking to a professional,” Nolan says. “A therapist. That helped me a lot.”
Jess smiles, the gracious curve of her lips soft. The scar at the corner of her mouth tries to prevent the smile but fails. “Thank you. I am seeing a therapist. And you’re right. It is helping.”
I look at Jess long and hard, but I can’t tell if she’s telling the truth and is still seeing Robyn. Robyn hasn’t told me anything, and I haven’t inquired this time. I just hope Jess hasn’t given up on therapy because she’s no longer on my company health insurance. She can afford to see Robyn because of the restitution payment, but who knows if she’s willing to use it for therapy? She was saving that money for her future.
I shouldn’t have let her quit her job. I should have fought harder to keep her on my payroll. It shouldn’t have made a difference that she wanted to break up with me. Pride can be such an asshole.
Of course, part of my stupidity had to do with my company. Now that she’s no longer my employee, clients have quit canceling their bookings. I haven’t had a cancelation in three weeks, so at least there’s that benefit.
The guys chat with Jess for a short time. I don’t say anything. I just watch her, keeping my feelings for her off my face. I need to get away from Jess soon before I do something I’ll regret. Like kiss her. And beg her to take me back.
“It was nice meeting you, Jessica.” Nolan gives her a hug, which she happily returns.
“Thank you so much for performing in the festival. What you did will help so many families.” She gifts the men one of her brightest smiles. “And especially thank you, Mason, for joining them so today was even possible.”
“Glad I could help.” He also hugs her and tells her something that I can’t hear.
She smiles and nods at him and gives Jared a quick thank-you hug.
The guys and I leave via the backyard gate. Jess walks with us to the front of the house, holding on to Bailey’s collar, no doubt so Bailey doesn’t go chasing after one of the neighborhood squirrels.
The men get into my truck. I nod bye to Jess but still don’t say anything to her. I can’t. It hurts too much.
I’m afraid if I speak, all my feelings will spill out.
“So, what’s the story with you and Jessica?” Nolan asks from the front passenger seat as I drive to the festival grounds.
“Damn, with the sparks flying between you two, I thought you both were gonna combust.” Mason, who’s in the back seat, mimes an explosion with his hands.
“It’s nothing,” I reply. “Ancient history.”
“Can’t be too ancient,” Nolan says, “given that she hasn’t lived here long. You two obviously aren’t over each other. Not that I’m one to give relationship advice”—a snort comes from the back seat, but I can’t tell if it was from Mason or Jared—“due to how much I screwed things up with Hailey before she forgave my sorry ass and eventually agreed to marry me. The emotional scars my father left me with after years of abuse really messed me up. Luckily, Hailey never gave up on me.”
“Duly noted,” I respond, even though it isn’t.
His wife is clearly stronger than me. Or she didn’t have to deal with Nolan constantly pushing her away out of fear of moving on. Pushing her away like Jess kept doing to me.
My skin prickles with the need to turn the truck around and go back to her.
I white-knuckle the steering wheel and keep my gaze on the road ahead of me.