7. Chapter 7
Dinner had been an utter disaster.
It shouldn’t have been a surprise that Jonas and Maria had started sharing stories about Ceth’s past once they’d started downing the barbeque and beer, but Ceth had been so preoccupied with Krystal that the seedy shift in conversation had caught her off guard.
When Jonas had taken it upon himself to recount the bridal shower incident, it had been like watching a train wreck in slow motion.
Krystal, to her credit, hadn’t acted especially shocked or disturbed by what she’d heard, but she had gone quiet.
After dinner, the two of them had gone back to their shared hotel room.
Krystal had been considerate and gracious as they’d unpacked and gotten ready for the night, but her conversation had stayed surface-level.
For her part, Ceth had gone to bed with a gaping pit in her stomach that had nothing to do with indigestion from the heavy meal.
Now she was already awake at five-thirty after tossing and turning most of the night, so she got up to get ready for the day.
But then, as she was about to quietly head out the door in hopes of not rousing Krystal, she couldn’t seem to stop herself from pausing to look at the sleeping woman in the dim light seeping from the half-open bathroom door.
It was a bad idea, but that seemed to be a recurring theme for Ceth.
So she allowed herself that minute to look.
Krystal’s soft face looked so lovely and peaceful—almost angelic, as she slept.
Her chest rose and fell in a steady rhythm.
Ceth’s own chest clenched at the sight, and she swallowed before grabbing her notebook for the day and sweeping out the door.
When she arrived in the breakfast room, the resort staff was still setting out pastries and juice.
Surprisingly, given how much beer she’d consumed the evening before, Maria was already in the room pouring herself a cup of coffee.
Ceth wasn’t in the mood to face her colleague without her own caffeinated fortification, so she got herself a cup too before sitting down with Maria.
They sat and picked at their bagels and fruit in silence for a few minutes.
“You think Lutz will give his usual seven-hour presentation today?” Maria finally asked in a tired voice.
Ceth shrugged. “Maybe. Although I heard now that Ms. Farrington is in charge of conference planning, she’s made some changes. Like giving newer people a chance to present.”
“Hmm. That could be refreshing. I’ll miss the nice nap I usually get when Lutz talks, though,” Maria said.
“Yeah.”
Normally, Ceth would have accepted the invitation to commiserate about the longwinded regional sales manager who’d spoken on Day One of every conference they’d attended, but she wasn’t in the mood.
They fell into another silence. Ceth drained her coffee, then toyed with the cup, debating whether she wanted to address what was bothering her or ignore it.
As the stilted quiet dragged on, she set her cup down with a thud. “You and Jonas really threw me under the bus last night.”
Maria raised a dark eyebrow at her over the rim of her juice glass.
After taking a deliberate swallow, she tilted her head in a questioning gesture.
“We joke around and reminisce about your escapades all the time. Maybe Jonas got carried away, but I didn’t think it was anything you couldn’t handle. You’re used to it.”
Ceth huffed out a sigh. “Yeah, but Krystal isn’t.”
“Oh, so you didn’t want your old friend knowing about your more colorful activities, hm?” Maria smirked. “Look, I’ll support my fellow women’s rights and wrongs all day. But if you’re going to live a certain way, you might as well own up to it. You never seemed big into hiding it.”
“I’m not,” Ceth answered through gritted teeth.
This discussion and Maria’s attitude were beginning to burrow and itch under her skin like a whole colony of ants.
“But Krystal is new to the company. She didn’t know you or Jonas until last night, and she hasn’t seen me in eight years.
She’s not used to the way we talk or joke around.
It was probably a lot to take the first night.
That’s all I’m saying. She probably wasn’t prepared to hear all that. ”
“Well, maybe she needed to hear it!”
Maria’s response was so sharp, it stunned Ceth and made her blood pressure spike. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Look, I’m sorry if we made your friend uncomfortable.
She seems like a sweet girl.” Maria answered, softening slightly.
“And I don’t know what your relationship was like before, but the way she was looking at you all night made me think maybe she needed a good look at what the real Ceth O’Malley is like nowadays. ”
Ceth gaped at Maria. “I don’t know what you think you saw, but frankly, I’m wondering why that’s any of your business.”
Maria’s jaw tensed. “I’ve seen too many nice, loyal girls get mixed up with partners who never had any business being in a serious relationship in the first place and then get their hearts shattered. Girls like Melissa.”
The tough, defiant vigor that had kept Maria’s body tense throughout the conversation seemed to seep out then, and she slouched further into her chair. “She and Ashley were married for a year, and Ash was cheating on her for at least half of that.”
Ceth swallowed hard and looked away. She’d known Maria’s daughter Melissa and her wife had split up a little over a year ago. The breakup had sent Melissa spiraling into a deep depression that had worried Maria endlessly. But she’d never told Ceth about the cheating. “Maria, look, I—”
“No, Ceth, listen,” Maria interrupted, hanging her head a little.
“I don’t mean to imply you’d set out to hurt anyone.
And I’m sorry if I came off as judgmental of you or rude to Krystal.
I guess everything with Melissa is still raw, and something about how Krystal was acting around you made me think of the early days when Melissa was so enamored with Ash. ”
Ceth sucked in a sharp breath. “Maria, I don’t think Krystal’s feelings are anything like that. We were just really close friends once. Yeah, we’re both queer, but lots of friends are without it being romantic.”
“Maybe,” Maria said with a sigh. “But just in case, maybe listen to a nosey older friend and be careful. If you were really that close one time, I’m sure you wouldn’t want her getting hurt, even if it was unintentional.”
“No, I’d never want to hurt her,” Ceth agreed, her throat suddenly thick with emotion.
Again.
They went back to work talk for a few minutes before Maria had to go call her husband, leaving Ceth to sit at the table alone with the breakfast she’d barely touched.
She must have been staring at the cluster of plates and cups at her table for several minutes, lost in a swirl of regret and old memories when a voice behind her asked, “Is everything all right over here? Do you need something else?”
With a start, she looked up to see Maddox, appraising her with friendly concern.
“Is it too early for a drink?” Ceth muttered.
Maddox chuckled. “We could probably whip up a bloody Mary, if you’d like. It’s a little unusual, but no judgment here. I understand what happens at ‘the con stays at the con.’”
Ugh. Had Maddox heard Jonas carrying on about Ceth’s failed attempt to ask them out? Ceth winced. “Speaking of…I’m sorry about check-in yesterday. I hope I didn’t make you uncomfortable.”
That made Maddox’s eyes widen for a second, but they quickly covered it with a smile. “No need to apologize. You didn’t do or say anything inappropriate.”
“I probably shouldn’t have been hitting on you when you were trying to work.”
“There’s no need to feel bad. Really,” Maddox assured her.
Their customer service smile slid into a rueful grin, and they lowered their voice so it wouldn’t carry to other tables.
“I don’t consider myself above the whole mixing business with personal thing.
In fact, I kind of made a habit of it in the past, I’ll admit.
But all of that changed when I met Denise. ”
Maddox’s voice softened as they said her name, and so did their smile.
“Did she reform you?” Ceth asked with a laugh. She really did try to make a point to stay out of other people’s business these days, but she was enjoying the break from ruminating over her own issues.
Maddox chuckled, but their tone was serious as they said, “I don’t honestly believe that only wanting casual encounters is an attitude that needs reforming, as such. But I realized that it wasn’t really what I wanted.”
“It wasn’t?”
Maddox shook their head and rested their elbows on the back of the chair across from Ceth. “No. I really wanted a steady, safe, loving relationship. But I only ever looked for casual, because that’s all I thought I deserved.”
Ceth shifted in her chair and pulled at the collar of her dress shirt, which suddenly felt constrictive. Maybe this conversation wasn’t such a pleasant distraction after all.
“But Denise helped me believe differently,” they finished with a look that was so happy and bright that it tugged at Ceth’s heart but deepened the sense of emptiness inside her at the same time.
After a moment, Maddox gave their head a shake. “I’m sorry. You didn’t ask for all that.”
“No, it’s fine,” Ceth said. “I’m glad you found what you really wanted.”
“Thanks.” Maddox smiled. “And I hope you find some casual fun while you’re here…if that’s what you want.”
Ceth hedged and stared down at her half-empty plate. “I thought it was. That is, I never had trouble admitting it was…but then I saw Krystal again.”
“The woman you’re rooming with?”
“Yes.” Why am I saying all this to a stranger?
But Maddox seemed willing to give a listening ear, and they’d happily shared a tidbit from their own love life.
Not that any of this had to do with Ceth’s love life.
She didn’t have a love life. “We used to be friends years ago and had a falling out. And now we reconnected here, and it’s been awesome.
But last night, she found out about some of my messier casual situations in the past, and now it feels like I’ve ruined something, and I don’t completely understand why. ”
“Hmm.”
Ceth looked up to see Maddox now sitting in the chair across from her. She didn’t even know when they had sat down. Maddox straightened and stacked Maria’s abandoned dishes as if by habit, but their expression was thoughtful. “Do you feel like she’s judging your choices?”
“Not at all,” Ceth hurried to say. “I mean, Krystal came from a pretty religious family and all, but she’s not like that.”
“Cool.” Maddox nodded. “Even so. It’s not all that weird to care what someone who matters to you thinks of you, is it?”
“I guess not.”
“So…based on whatever she heard last night, what are you worried Krystal thinks of you now?”
Ceth’s hands clenched convulsively on the tabletop. “That I’m unserious and careless. Maybe even that I hurt people. Not on purpose, but still…”
That I’m the same selfish person I’ve always been.
“And what would you like her to think of you?”
It was the obvious follow-up, but it still caught Ceth off-guard. She stared off into space pondering for a moment before answering. “That I’m trustworthy. Responsible and considerate.” Then, in a near whisper, she added, “That I’m safe.”
Once she’d said it, Ceth drew in a long, deep breath, taking in the truth of it.
She didn’t just want Krystal to think she was all those things.
She wanted to be those things. She had for a long time, but she’d convinced herself it wasn’t possible.
That she’d be better off sticking to superficial flings and keeping everyone at arm’s length for their good as well as her own. But that’s not what she wanted!
“You okay over there?” Maddox asked. “I’ve never seen anyone have an epiphany over bagel crumbs and cold coffee before, but I guess there’s a first time for everything.”
A deep chuckle rumbled through Ceth’s chest. “I guess I am. Must have been something in the coffee.” Her eyes lifted to Maddox’s. “Thank you for talking with me. You really didn’t have to, but I’m glad you did.”
Maddox grinned and stood up to leave. “Anytime.”
As Ceth continued pondering, an incredulous laugh escaped her. In the space of one day, Krystal Stevenson already had Ceth rethinking her entire life. She really was a remarkable woman. And Ceth had a sudden urge to tell her that.