17. Chapter 17
Ceth awoke in the morning to the sound of Krystal humming in the bathroom as she got ready for the day. She blinked several times and rubbed her eyes as it occurred to her this was the first time she’d heard Krystal hum since they’d reconnected.
Years ago, Krystal would hum or sing under her breath almost constantly while going about her daily routines or studies.
It had seemed to come as naturally to her as breathing.
Did she not do that as often now, or was this a sign she was once again comfortable enough sharing space with Ceth to be herself?
No, that was probably reading too much into it. But it was nice to hear anyway. It had taken surprisingly little time for Ceth to get used to hearing Krystal when they’d lived together. It even got to the point where she found the music comforting.
Rolling onto her back, Ceth closed her eyes as she remembered.
It hadn’t happened in a long time, but years ago, Ceth would have nightmares about Roan’s accident.
In her dreams, she’d watch it all play out again.
Then she’d sob and shake. Try to tell her parents or her own brain that this was all an accident.
That she never would have hurt her little brother.
She’d see her mom’s pale face in the hospital waiting room again.
How could you be so irresponsible? So selfish!
Then she’d wake up, her body drenched in cold sweat the same way her mind and heart were immersed in the truth: she was irresponsible and selfish.
But one night, Ceth must have gotten noisy with her tossing and turning because she’d woken up to find Krystal sitting on her bed, shaking her shoulder. “Ceth. Ceth! Are you okay? You’re crying.”
Ceth stretched and did her best to shake off the dream, mostly in hopes of wiping the worried look off Krystal’s face. “I’m fine. Sorry if I woke you. I just have bad dreams sometimes.”
Krystal rubbed Ceth’s shoulder and studied her face with that serious expression still on her own. “About your brother? I-I heard you say his name in your sleep. I didn’t mean to eavesdrop…well, is it eavesdropping when you’re asleep? I overheard.”
Ceth smiled slightly then sunk back into her pillow. “Yeah, the dreams are about Roan. I get them from time to time. Maybe it’s my brain doing some kind of penance. Do they believe in penance in the church you came from?”
Deflecting seemed to be the only defense Ceth had left after Krystal finding her like this.
Pursing her lips, Krystal looked away. “There was a man in his late thirties who was pretty important in my church. He was on several committees and gave a lot of money. But then it came out that he’d been having an affair with a nineteen-year-old girl in our church who babysat for his kids.
There was a lot of closed-door discussion and gossip too, but at the end of it all, the pastors and congregation ‘forgave and restored’ the man to community.
Which basically meant his wife was expected to get over it, and he never had to do anything to make things right.
The girl somehow got more of the blame than anyone. She finally ended up leaving.”
Ceth frowned. “That sounds pretty messed up.”
Krystal nodded. “It was. So to answer your question, I’m not sure I ever saw much penance or repentance or whatever else you want to call it from the people who needed to show it. Only from the ones who had the least to be sorry for.”
She turned her focus to Ceth again. “It’s so different from what I’ve seen from you.
From everything you’ve said and shown, you took full responsibility for the mistake you made.
You’ve shown up for your family. You’re a good sister and daughter.
You shouldn’t have to punish yourself. That’s not helping anyone. ”
Her hand on Ceth’s shoulder squeezed lightly. “And I’m not sure a good night’s sleep is something people should have to earn anyway, but even if it is, you deserve it. You deserve peace and you deserve rest.”
Ceth closed her eyes, whether it was to hide from the sweetness of words she was afraid to accept or whether it was to push back the hot sting of tears, she wasn’t sure. But she did murmur, “Okay. I guess I’ll try.”
Instead of leaving, though, Krystal resumed rubbing her arm softly, and then she began to hum in a low voice.
Ceth listened for a few seconds. It was so nice. Too nice. Before she could stop herself, she quipped, “’Rainbow Connection’? Did you pick that song ‘cuz I’m gay?”
Krystal actually pinched her shoulder this time, but she chuckled. “Hush. It just so happens I picked this one because I had a favorite aunt who’d sing it to me when I was upset.”
“Oh.” Ceth closed her eyes and exhaled a shaky breath, surprised when she felt herself relaxing. “Thank you, Krystal.”
“Anytime,” she murmured, before resuming her humming until Ceth drifted off.
If asked today, Ceth would say she’d worked through a lot of the guilt and grief from Roan’s accident. But even now, Ceth wasn’t sure she could believe Krystal’s words about what she deserved.
For years, she’d taken the way their friendship had ended—Ceth harshly criticizing Krystal’s relationship with Elgin because of her own feelings for Krystal and Krystal’s justifiably angry response—as confirmation that she didn’t deserve peace or too much happiness or, especially, the trust of someone she cared about.
Yet against all odds, Ceth was here in a shared space with Krystal Stevenson once again. And her voice was filling Ceth with comfort along with a host of other feelings. Suddenly anything seemed possible.
Krystal emerged from the bathroom after doing her hair and makeup and stopped short.
Ceth was sitting up in bed watching her as she came out. Her hair was mussed and the t-shirt she’d slept in wrinkled, but somehow the relaxed, unkempt look made her even more attractive. It made this time they were sharing, this thing between them feel so natural and real.
And then there was the way Ceth was looking at her.
She still hadn’t spoken yet, was leaning comfortably against the backboard, and her eyes rested on Krystal as if she were the only thing in the room.
There was such softness in those brown depths, gladness even.
As if Krystal’s mere presence was something to savor, to bask in.
Ceth looked light and happy in a way Krystal hadn’t often seen with her.
And wow! Did it look good on her. It made Krystal want to crawl back into bed with Ceth, curl up into her arms, and stay for a while. Maybe for good.
Warmth, deep longing, and so many other feelings she wasn’t ready to name expanded in her chest until they nearly consumed her. She was left nearly breathless. It was so much. Too much.
“Good morning,” Ceth murmured, finally breaking the long, loaded silence between them. She smiled as she spoke, her smile soft and delicious like melted honey butter. Krystal’s heart rate seemed to stall then start again in double time.
“Morning.” Krystal looked away then set about getting her notes and purse together for the day. Her pulse was beginning to thrum, but not in the fun way it usually did around Ceth.
Ceth lingered a bit longer before climbing out of bed to head toward the bathroom. Before she’d made it all the way inside, Krystal stopped her. “I’m heading to breakfast. But before I go, I wanted to let you know I have plans for dinner tonight. There’s something I need to take care of.”
Ceth paused and placed a gentle hand on Krystal’s arm, which only served to ramp up her growing nerves more. “Is everything okay?”
Krystal forced a smile. “Everything’s great. It’s complicated, though. I can tell you about it after dinner, if you’re around tonight.”
That made Ceth blink and her brows dip in a confused frown, but she only nodded. “Okay, sure. I’ll probably grab dinner with Jonas and Maria. Maria and I kind of had a spat the other morning, so I should probably smooth things over. But I’ll see you later tonight.”
“Sounds good.” Krystal gave a quick squeeze to the hand Ceth still had resting on her arm and pulled away. “I’ll see you later, Ceth.”
She gathered up her things and left the room, trying to ignore the tingles skittering across the back of her neck that alerted her to the fact that Ceth was watching her as she walked out.
Heading down the hall, she pushed through the front door of the Sugar Maple Lodge but she didn’t go to the main building. She hurried down the path leading from the lodge to the gardens and trees behind the resort and didn’t stop until she reached a clearing.
She was puffing hard by that point, but the tightness in her chest was from more than exertion. Leaning against a pine tree trunk, she struggled to calm her breath and steady her swirling emotions.
Being around Ceth was making her feel so much.
Now that she knew what it was like to be wrapped around her, to watch her face in moments of passion, to breathe in that early morning soft vulnerability that no one else saw, it made her feel even more than when they’d lived together. Which was saying something.
Because back then, the intensity of the attraction she couldn’t admit out loud and the depth of her admiration and appreciation for all the things Ceth was, the way Ceth made her feel—it had overwhelmed her to a breaking point. Until she’d lashed out at Ceth.
The day they’d argued, Ceth had called out the way Elgin treated Krystal and called out Krystal for putting up with it.
But Krystal had been afraid of walking away.
Not because she cared for Elgin; that was the bad part.
She was clinging onto the last parts of who she thought she knew herself to be: the completely straight girl who could fit in well enough with her family and old community.
And now she was in danger of letting her feelings drag her away from all that.
So instead, she let them turn her against Ceth. Push her away in the harshest manner possible.
Or are you just butting into my life out of some pathetic need to make up for all the people and things you screwed up in your own life?
Because it doesn’t work that way, Ceth! You’re judging my choices, and all that’s doing is reminding me why you’re the last person on earth I’d come to if I wanted to feel safe!
Krystal squeezed her eyes shut, but she couldn’t block out the memory of the words or the stricken expression on Ceth’s face after she’d hurled them at her. She’d known then, even without Ceth moving out, that she had ended their relationship in that moment.
She’d spent years regretting that, but was she any better now? Now that old and new feelings were welling up thanks to this bizarre casual situationship she herself had suggested, was she just setting everything up to hurt Ceth again?
Ceth had only ever offered a gracious reconnection. A friendship at most. Krystal is the one who changed the terms and dragged Ceth into all this because of her own unresolved issues.
With her pulse pounding and thoughts racing, it was nearly impossible to imagine this ending up in anything but another painful disaster.