22. Jesse
JESSE
“ H ave you heard a word I’ve said?” I ask, halfway through telling Adrian about the chaos of trying to move the horses into their new stalls today.
His fork has been suspended above the takeout container of orange chicken—his favorite—that I surprised him with tonight to make up for the fact that I hadn’t been around since the whole thing with Reid happened.
I’d still been so caught up in my head and I didn’t want Adrian to see me like that—depressed and ashamed.
What a catch…
Looking up from the table, he sighs, his fork dropping down as those jade-colored eyes land on mine. They’re sad or maybe unsure, the emotion heavy as he watches me.
“A guy at Petit Squared bought me coffee today.” His voice is even, like he’s testing the water to see how I’ll react.
“Okay.” Adrian is hot; I’m not surprised someone else has noticed too. But he’s mine. That thought has me swallowing hard because he’s not mine. I was clear about what I want.
And what I don’t.
Ignoring the pang of jealousy, I keep my face as neutral as I can as I wait for him to
continue.
“He asked me to dinner. I told him I wasn’t interested in just hooking up but he still wants to go.”
He…
Clearing my throat, I shake my head. “Did you say yes?”
“I said I’d think about it.”
“When?”
“Tomorrow night.”
“That’s good, right?” I manage, my voice sounding like I’m talking underwater. “That’s what you wanted. We talked about it, so yeah, all good.”
The silence between us is deafening, my appetite evaporating as I try to keep myself steady. I can’t meet Adrian’s gaze but I can feel it on me, the judgment and something that feels a lot like disappointment.
It was bound to happen sooner or later.
Or maybe I’m just projecting.
“Yeah,” he says slowly. “Yeah, I guess it’s good.”
“And we’re still friends.”
“Sure.” Adrian doesn’t sound sure at all, and right now, neither am I. I just know I can’t stay here.
“I just remembered I have to go pick something up from my brother’s house.”
“Jesse, look?—”
“You’re a catch, Adrian,” I admit, pushing the chair back from the table without taking my eyes off him. “And maybe this guy can give you what I can’t.”
I watch Adrian’s face go from heartbroken to resigned as I sweep the rest of my takeout from the table and walk the short distance to the trash. The lines that I’d said so often, believed so deeply, now feel rehearsed.
Forced.
Fake.
But I can’t think about that now, not when Adrian is looking like all he wants in this world is for me to flip the table and tell him not to go.
“We’ll catch up and you can tell me all about it,” I choke out as my hand rests on the handle of the door. Adrian hasn’t moved, not to tell me to fuck off and not to tell me to stay.
I have my answer and now it’s time for me to go.
JESSE: Are you busy?
INDIE: I mean I have a baby so I’m technically always busy
JESSE: Too busy for me to come over?
INDIE: Never. You know that.
I stare at the screen and blink back the moisture that threatens to fall as I throw my truck in reverse. I’ve always been close with my family, but something happened when my sister-in-law landed in Wintervale.
She confided in me when things were so uncertain for her, when her life was about to change in the biggest, most beautiful way. I’d been honored to be there to support her, to love her, and to welcome her into our family.
We clicked, and now it seems I need her too.
Plus I can’t talk to Reid. Even though he said we’re fine, I can’t stop beating myself up for what happened.
Why can’t I stop fucking up?
It feels like a lifetime before I’m pulling into Indie and Beau’s driveway. My brother’s truck is here, and while he usually loves to give me a hard time, I don’t know if I can handle it today.
Stepping out onto the gravel, I walk the short distance to the door, knocking twice before pushing it open.
“Hey man,” Beau says with a nod before the corner of his mouth tips down. “You all right?”
“Hey, come here,” Indie calls, her arms open for a hug.
“I’m fine. I?—”
“No, sir, you wanted Southern hospitality, you got it.” Her accent is more prominent than usual, and I know she’s doing it for my benefit.
And I appreciate it, especially when she wraps her arms around me. I may have gained a sister when she married Beau, but I also gained a friend.
“I messed up again,” I admit, my voice muffled and quiet.
“With Reid? Harlan know that yet?”
“No, things are fine with Reid.”
“Explains why you’re here,” Beau mumbles and I glare.
“I fucked things up with Adrian.”
“Oh, boy, didn’t see that comin’. Sit. We have cookies and I’ll make some tea,” Indie says.
“I don’t need?—”
“I wasn’t asking,” she replies without looking at me as she fills the kettle and places it on the stove. “The baby is sleeping so you just get to deal with us.”
Chuffing out a humorless laugh, I drop down onto the barstool at their island, planting my elbows on the granite as my head drops into my hands.
“What happened?” Beau asks, always the fixer, but this time I don’t know if there is a way to fix it.
Not really.
“Some guy bought Adrian coffee.” Swallowing hard, I add, “Asked him out on a date.”
“Did he say yes?” Indie’s voice is even as she asks, but her eye twitches the slightest bit.
“He said he’d think about it.”
“And you’re okay with that?” Beau’s jaw ticks, my brother not as good at hiding what he’s really thinking.
“Yes…I mean, no, I’m not. But shit , what the hell am I supposed to do?” I exclaim, throwing my arms wide. “I’m twenty-four. I’m not supposed to want commitments and joint Christmas cards or any of it.”
“So then why are you sitting in my kitchen?” Indie says pointedly as she places a steaming mug in front of me along with a plate of cookies.
“Because how can I be pissed when this is what we agreed to—when it’s what I wanted?”
“You’re allowed to change your mind,” Beau says.
“What?”
“You said wanted. It’s what you wanted. Not what you want.” His words are simple. Confident. And liable to rip the rug right out from under me.
“This all makes sense to you, Beau. You’re thirty.”
He chuckles, his eyes dancing with amusement as he pulls Indie against his side.
“I found her at the exact right time. Just because it took me longer doesn’t mean what you and Adrian have is wrong.
You’re twenty-four, not eighteen. If you want to be with him then be with him, and if you don’t, then let him go and move on with your life so he can move on with his.
You’re an adult—make an adult decision.”
Indie gives him the side-eye but doesn’t tell him he’s wrong.
Shit. “If you just need us to tell you there are other guys out there then sure, there are other guys out there for you.” Indie’s tone softens.
“But if you’re sitting here because the thought of Adrian out with someone else makes you sick and you’re trying to justify that letting him go is the right thing to do, then you’re makin’ a mistake. ”
“Also, if you only ended things with Adrian because you’re trying to prove Mom wrong then you’re also making a mistake.”
I open my mouth for only a second before snapping it shut.
Is he right? Have I just been trying to fight some made-up pressure from my mother to find someone that makes me happy?
I’ve always considered her comments to be interfering and overbearing, but are they? Would finding someone to spend my life with be so bad?
Looking up at my brother and his wife, I realize the only one losing out on happiness is me . I’ve been too stubborn to shed the childish outlook I’d been holding on to like a chip on my shoulder.
“I need to go,” I tell them, jumping up and grabbing two cookies off the plate. “I need to make sure I didn’t just lose the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”