Chapter 16
It’s night by the time I get back to my yurt. I turn on my lantern and open the flaps that serve as doors. I’m taking off my shoes when I notice the mason jar full of blooming purple sage sitting on the nightstand next to my bed.
The sage is fragrant and fills the small space with its perfume. I pick up the folded piece of paper laid next to it.
Happy birthday. I’m glad to know you and wish you everything good this year.
Love,
Ellis
My gaze stays on the “love”—written so easily. His handwriting is slanted at an assured angle, precise with strong strokes. The confidence with which he’s written “love” to me is instantly clarifying. I take a deep breath because it’s really time.
There’s a light on in Ellis’s yurt, and it glows yellow in the dark. I can hear the sounds of revelry happening down at the first camp, again.
I knock on the frame of the yurt, even though the flaps are tied back so that I can walk right in. “Hi, you decent?”
He’s not. Ellis walks up to me shirtless, just wearing hiking pants. Thank you, universe, you complete asshole. His hair is mussed, his pants covered in dust, and he’s holding a shirt in his hands.
“Hi.” No one else is in the yurt and he pulls me in by the arm. “Get in here.”
“Sorry if I’m interrupting,” I say, already much too used to his casual touch. “I just got back and saw your note. And flowers. Thank you, they’re lovely.”
“You’re welcome. And you’re lovely.” He’s still holding my wrist and steps in closer to me. I feel where this is going and step back.
“Ellis, I have to talk to you.”
“Okay.” He steps back immediately, too, but is still looking at me with his expression lit up and glad to see me. The silver chain resting on his collarbone glints at me, a little “RIP, you” wink.
Everything about this feels wrong even when I know it’s right. My hands feel like curled up little claws, my body slowly petrifying with the absolute hatred of what I have to say. At how, as soon as I say it, his expression will completely change, and I’ll have ruined someone’s day.
“So, I’ve had such a good time with you,” I begin, having practiced this, but still feeling clumsy. “It really was a nice surprise seeing you here.”
Ellis registers something happening. He puts on his shirt hastily. “I’m glad.”
“But the thing is, I didn’t plan on it. And I thought that the other night, um, at my house, was a one-time deal. Until, it was a lot of deals. Ha.”
Something shutters in Ellis’s eyes. “Okay.”
I need to keep going or I’m going to cry. “I’m sorry. I just get the feeling that maybe you’re looking for something more…”
“Don’t be sorry,” he says, and it’s not with bitterness or resentment. It’s genuine. “Hey, you made it clear from day one. I was just hoping I could win you over, I guess.”
My chest hurts, actually hurts, and this ridiculous yurt feels like it’s closing in on me. “In different circumstances, I’d be won. Completely.”
He looks down, the sadness on his face clear for the second I see it. “But the age thing, huh?”
“Yeah. The age thing.” The Daniel thing. But that I will handle later.
“Thanks for being wonderful company,” I say softly, reaching out and touching his arm, and I feel goose bumps rise on his skin immediately. “I’ll probably be leaving early in the morning.”
With his head still bent down, he nods. Then, after a second, he looks up, a small smile on his life-ruining handsome face. “Have a safe trip back, okay?”
“Yeah. You guys, too. Good night.” And with that I rush out before I can drag it out any longer, practically sprinting back to my yurt.