Chapter 21
21
C ally was back in Lovely Bay sitting on a bench by the river doom scrolling through her socials. She shook her head and dropped her phone in her lap. She was meant to be deciding on Birdie’s job offer, but for some reason or another, something kept stopping her from completely making up her mind. She’d gone over it so many times she had decision overload. Truth be told, despite feeling in Scotland as if the job was the right path for her to take, a little part of her didn’t want to make the choice and so she’d stalled. A section of her brain told her to stay in her lane and keep safe. Stay down, Cally de Pfeffer. Someone like you doesn’t deserve good things. Continue to do your three little jobs. Stay small. Wave at us from down there.
The feeling would also explain why, despite having looked at potentially every course in the country, from Land’s End to John O'Groats, she’d not pushed the button on committing to anything in that department either. The same scenario had happened when applying for jobs before she’d received Birdie’s offer; she’d looked at all sorts and had been surprised that her qualifications and work experience qualified her for quite a few different opportunities. However, none of them had taken her fancy enough for her to actually go for gold. She sighed and rubbed her temples. The constant back-and-forth in her mind was exhausting. On the one hand, the job offer represented everything she'd been working towards - stability, security, a chance to prove herself. On the other hand, she wondered if it was right.
‘Come on, get a grip,’ she muttered to herself.
She stared at the river for ages, waved as Clive went past on the riverboat, and watched as a woman walked along on the path in front of her and juggled a pram with a baby, a toddler, and a dog on a lead, all at the same time as chatting on her phone. A multi-tasking mum right there in front of her eyes. Opening the email from Birdie again, she then whipped out a small wire top notebook she kept in her handbag and made a list of the pros and cons of the job the old-fashioned way with paper and pen.
By the time she’d got to the end of the list and had sat and pondered for a bit longer, it really was a no-brainer. The job offer was just too good to turn down. The only thing on the cons list that made her think twice was putting all her eggs in one basket and doing a full-time job for the person in Lovely Bay you had to keep on the right side of. If anything ever went badly wrong with Birdie or they fell out, Cally was well aware that she’d be toast in Lovely. Or six feet under.
The list in her notebook stared at her as she reiterated all the pros of the job; there were many. The rational part of her brain knew that accepting Birdie's job offer was the logical choice. The benefits were undeniable - a steady income, healthcare, paid leave - all things she'd dreamed of having in the back of her mind. Yet, despite thinking she’d wanted an opportunity for years, a peculiar, nagging voice told her just to continue on as she always had. Stay in your lane.
She frowned at the thought. Stay in my lane? Since when have I had the opportunity for anything else? She thought about all the challenges she'd faced and overcome, all the things she’d had to juggle like the mum she’d just watched walk past. Maybe it was time to change lanes altogether.
She watched as a pair of ducks glided past, their little feet going ninety to the dozen under the water. A bit like her, really. She’d always felt as if she was swimming against the tide, struggling to keep her head above water at the same time as holding up that big old sky. Birdie’s job would undoubtedly change that.
Picking up her notebook again, she ran her finger down the list of pros. They really were too good to turn down: financial stability, career growth, meeting new people, furthering her knowledge and experience, driving a little van - it was all there, laid out in black and white. No more juggling multiple jobs, no more worrying.
Her gaze drifted back to the river, and she watched as a few leaves floated by on the surface. A fish jumped creating ripples and as she watched the circles, her mind reiterated how long she'd been stuck in one place, doing the same jobs, living the same life. Logging onto the same chatbot portal for years. She sighed at the thought that even that had changed, updated and embraced new technology in the time she’d been working on it. She, however, had pretty much stayed the same. Always there, logging on in the early hours doing her same old thing.
A group of teenagers walked by with school bags over their shoulders, laughing and giggling. Cally thought about her youth and how it had been tied up with looking after her mum and her brother. No dreams for our Cally, nothing too ambitious or unrealistic. All the times she'd had no choice but to hold herself back, all the opportunities she'd let slip by because she’d been unable to dedicate the time because her responsibilities at home had always come first.
She picked up her pen again and tapped it against her notebook as she considered the cons she'd written down. Most of them, she realised, were, in actual fact, excuses stemming from her insecurities rather than real obstacles. The concern about putting all her eggs in one basket and things going wrong with Birdie really were just manifestations of self-doubt. She wondered about being risk-averse and if it was fundamentally about the job or about being afraid to succeed. The answer hit her like a tonne of bricks. She'd spent so long just trying to survive, to keep her head above water, that the idea of actually thriving was almost foreign to her. But wasn't that what she'd come to Lovely Bay for in the first place? A chance at a better life?
She looked at the word 'security' and thought about how the full-time job with benefits would give her that. How long had she lived without that feeling? Always worrying about the next bill, the next unexpected expense, and never able to plan for the future because she was too busy struggling to get by day to day. The job would lift a weight from her shoulders. No more survival.
Flipping back through the pages of her notebook, she came across an old to-do list scribbled on one of the pages. “Research local courses,” it said, followed by “Look for new job opportunities.” Both items were checked with little blue ticks. Yes, she’d researched courses and looked at jobs more than a few times. That was more or less as far as it had gone, though. She thought about all the courses she'd researched, all the job listings she'd pored over. How many times she’d been on the brink of this, that, or the other only to not take the leap and talk herself out of things at the last moment. Way too many times.
She nodded to herself. The job offer from Birdie was the universe giving her a big old poke in the side. A jab in the ribs. Practically shoving an opportunity in her face and daring her to take it. Telling her to pull on her big girl's pants and get the heck on with it.
She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. The Lovely smell and scent of the river filled her nostrils; earthy, fresh and familiar all at the same time. A few minutes later, she nodded. No more overthinking. Time to grab the opportunity with both hands and hang on for the ride. Our Cally was going to take the plunge. See what it was like on the other side.