Closure
This isn't love, never was. Yet for me, it's turned into nothing but ache and torture.
Nevertheless, for the umpteenth time, I come to our spot yet again, the place where I first met him and his brown irises that made me forget reality, the spot where I believed I had a chance to do things differently.
Standing here with all kinds of desires and fantasies of a world that he never left.
Sitting across from where it all began, where we first hugged, and kissed, and I started to believe we both wanted the same thing, that nothing would come between that, until a truth I failed to see but always felt deep within my core surfaced.
I reminisce on our last conversation, a feeling I cannot describe but only relive.
How could someone make me feel less and humiliate me this way?
Countless times, I have asked myself where he is and whether I should move on or hold on a little longer to this feeling.
I wanted to let go of the pain yet needed it like air to survive.
Has he thought about what he did to me? What kind of friendship could the future hold if he let go so easily?
It's a relief he did because how toxic could someone be.
I made one mistake, and our bubble burst and everything crumbled.
I try to stop everything from falling apart, but it's futile.
The moment is past, and no matter how many times I revisit it, I can't change it. The only reason I go back was that it broke me to the point where I needed to relive the damage to do it differently, for my inner peace and my heart. Even though he didn't care, I still did a lot.
Have you ever wanted to heal something so bad that you'd travel back in time for a different outcome? I did, and no matter how many times I have, going back has been of no use to me because after a many number of times, I went back, it always ends the same.
Every moment revisited was like a plunge into my chest. Yet, I decided to go back one last time to close out this chapter because that's what he was always meant to be in it.
As I take in the night breeze, I start praying and close my eyes to wait for what started all this.
"Are you ready?" I look towards the angel that never gave me his name but would bring me back in time after I prayed to him every time I came here.
"Yes, but this is the last time I'm doing this." I could barely choke out.
"Agreed, remember only if you did it as it was originally intended is how you could change it." He said firmly.
"I don't want to change it at this point. I made a choice, and I have to stick with it. I just want this done with."
"As you wish. See you on the other side." He breathed as he disappeared and I went back.
Just one last hurt so I can say goodbye to my expectations. No going numb, no going with what happened, no just tweaking things here and there to alter too little or too much the future and fuck things up even earlier.
This time I will do it as I want. I will give it the final ending I selfishly wanted yet knew I deserved.
I close my eyes as I cross the veil, and I'm suddenly back in my car, back in time, in the same spot. I'd just brought a few things at the grocery store and waited to meet him. I talked to the same people from that day and then saw his car pull up from the distance.
I stand there aware that he is watching me, making me believe he didn't go to see my reaction from afar.
I kept thinking to myself, enjoy this last time, get your closure with the situation, and be free of the memories that haunt me.
I want to do this. No, I need to. For everyone who doesn't get the chance to revisit situations that hurt them to do them better, this is for you and me.
No more wondering what could have been different. But acting on it.
I did everything differently. I didn't walk back to my car or get frustrated with his text. I just went to a corner to sit there alone. To wait for him. I knew he was there. And indeed, there he was.
"Hey there, beautiful lady."
I turn around to have one final look at him. "Hi there, happy you could make it."
He studied me as he always did and asked to hug me. This time I hugged him back with all the force in my bones and body, as a goodbye, a letting go promise untold.
"We're you waiting for long?" He scratched his hair.
"Only for three hours." I smile. "But it's okay because now you're here."
"I'm sorry, I got off work late and am tired, but I wanted to see you. I'd never been here before, and it's so close to my house."
If only he'd remember we'd done this rodeo so many times. This was my 100th time going back in time, and it would surely be the last.
"It's my place. I come here alone to have peace. Now you can come here too." I smile.
"We'll come again together."
"I'd like that." I smile wider and hold on to the tears that threaten to form in my eyes, knowing this never happened, nor will it.
He holds me like he did that night. I turn back to his beard and smell it, that smell I had wanted to hold on to for so long that I now feel like freeing myself of it.
"Tell me about you," I asked like always, and he told me about himself, things he liked to do, what he worked on, and what he wanted this to be, which I agreed to.
I was always afraid to tell him more about me, but I felt like giving him the information I hadn't before which for the first time, extended the conversation.
I started thinking to myself, what did I even see in this person? Why did I get so attached and infatuated to the point of obsession? Because going back in time, for him, was on a whole other level. I've won on all things that had been tried before for someone you cared about in your heart space.
He leaned down to kiss me like he always had, and this time I turned his face down with my hand and kissed him on the forehead. He looked at me with the most loving eyes, adoration. I'd never seen that look on his face.
"This was fun. I'll see you around." I walked to my car and did not look back.
Next thing I know, we're in our second time together, at his house, our first intimate time.
We played board games and talked, played music, laughed, and chatted.
All of a sudden, he made the same move he always did, walking towards me to kiss me which I stopped for a second and had a more in-depth conversation about what I wanted, letting my thoughts, vulnerabilities, wants, and my desires out in the open to this man who to him was his second time meeting me, but to me, it had been more like a lifetime.
His response shocked me because now I understood we always needed to have this conversation from the beginning. We were adults, and half-assed discussions did not clarify what we were in for.
"I haven't moved on from someone I cared about. To be frank, you're not the only person in my life, nor do I know if I want you to be. I don't want to get attached. But you can have one thing for certain, whenever you want to, I am here for you."
I smiled and agreed to his terms. Before I seduced him I told him the downer most men dread, my garden was blooming, and he as always didn't care and made it known to me through whispers to my ear. It turned me on like nothing else ever had.
His words were all too much, and I couldn't resist, so we went to his room, taking our clothes off on the way and manifesting our first time. One. Last. Time.
He was caring as always, asking me what I needed, he was gentle and careful. A gentleman.
Once we were done, the setting quickly changed to our second encounter, where I was in the same place, his house but with different clothes. We'd both just gotten out of watching the same movie, but in different places without even knowing it.
"I feel like I went to the movies with you." That was his answer when I told him what I'd done before I went to his home.
This time was different, not too awkward like the first, and we tried new intimate things.
It's like we were getting comfortable with each other.
Sometimes I could feel him there, then detached, then there, and then detached again.
I did the same movements but with more passion, desperate, savoring eactmoment that would come to an end.
This time everything went so fast, skipping the text messages, and calls, my overthinking and his, time went faster overall.
Before the setting changed to our last time, I did something different I sat down to talk to him about personal things I had been feeling recently and going through, which had caused tension in my encounter and texts with him.
I could see he felt sorry for me and understood what I was going through.
During our last time together, he didn't kiss me at all, and when he started, I realized I was in uncharted territory all of a sudden this time around as the last setting happened.
"You remind me of her" He voiced out the exact words I hoped that wasn't the reason he treated me so poorly.
"What do you mean?" I looked at him, trying to look confused, which I was, but I knew deep inside where he was coming from now.
"All the her's that treated me like I wasn't enough, that didn't want to put in the effort and wanted to leave. The same hers are part of the reason why I always cut ties with people so easily. Why I never open up to anyone." He finished.
"This isn't just because of women, and you know it. It's because of your family too." I turned his head to me and kissed him desperately, passionately, needily, then asked, "I told you we can always talk things out. Will you keep your word?"
Before he could respond, I found myself transported to the timeline just before our final, humiliating moment.
At that moment, I couldn't bring myself to say the same things I had said before.
I had been drunk that night and had learned to hate talking while under the influence, knowing that anything could happen.
However, I managed to muster the self-control necessary to prevent myself from ruining everything.
I didn't want our story to end with that painful memory, so I made a drastic change.
I altered what had happened, choosing not to say anything, text, or reply.
The result was the same - he removed me from his life - but this time, it was how I envisioned a good ending.
The pain of the memory was more profound because my past self had been unaware of what really happened.
Now, in this timeline, I remembered all the times I had been with him.
I was now back in my spot, looking towards the clearing, "How do you feel this time?"
"Did you see?" I asked, embarrassed.
"I saw a fitting ending. Selflessness versus selfishness. You did what you had to do, as it was intended. You both needed to learn this lesson."
"He made me see he had his reasons." I realized this was never about me or what I did. But about him.
"He taught you a valuable life lesson, and you will remember things differently. Use this as an opportunity for great closure, something not everyone gets to experience."
"I feel much better now. Will I ever see you again?"
"I will keep an eye on you but have many others like you to help." He prepared himself to leave.
"So this happens with others too?" I inquired as I walked towards him.
"It is reserved for only a select few, those whom God favors," he replied.
" I am one of them?" I exclaimed, hardly able to believe it.
"God has witnessed many of your lifetimes and seen how you have devoted yourself to serving others, even at great personal cost. In this lifetime, he wanted to gift you with this experience precisely when you needed it to complete your transformation into the person you are meant to become. You needed this," he explained.
"Thank you," I whispered like a prayer looking up. The next thing I knew, he was gone.
As I began my walk towards my car, I made sure to take in every detail around me, knowing that it might be the last time I saw this place. My heart was light and happy, still basking in the warmth of the moment I had just experienced.
Distracted by the happiness and the change I felt, my blissful thoughts were interrupted as I accidentally collided with someone, causing me to lose my balance and fall onto the grass.
As I reached out for something to steady myself, a kind hand reached out to help me up.
As I looked up, my eyes met a familiar pair of brown eyes that I hadn't seen in months - the same eyes I had just said goodbye to moments ago.
"I had a feeling I would find you here eventually." He grinned catching me off guard.
"That so?" I replied, surprised by his words and trying to compose myself.
"Yeah, I come here now and then, hoping to run into you again. I never had such luck until now," he said, acting as if it was a casual conversation as if we had talked just recently.
I opened my mouth to respond but found myself at a loss for words. I knew that he had not reached out to me for the same reason that I had not reached out to him - we were both hesitant and unsure. This was my spot. I'd come here a lot of times and never saw him.
Finally using the courage I had in me; "I'm glad you liked this place to come back so much."
"We need to talk." he pleaded, his features changing.
Suddenly, it hit me - I had just altered his timeline with my actions.
I couldn't help but wonder what else I had changed about him.
The thoughts consumed me for a moment, but then I regained my composure and started walking toward my car.
He called out to me, telling me to wait, but I didn't look back.
"Wait for him?" I thought to myself, feeling a surge of anger rising within me. Probably to convince me to go back. Not a chance.
I knew I needed to get away. I wasn't going to let him treat me like he had before. Like garbage that he could just throw away and then try to retrieve. I had forgiven him, but I would never forget the hurt that came from his coldness and his words. Even if he didn't remember, I did.
I refused to lower myself to his level and disrespect him. There was no point in talking to him anymore. I had already closed this chapter, it was time he did the same.
"Goodbye," I said firmly as I turned and walked away. "I've found my closure. It's time for you to find yours."