Neither, Nor
As I replayed the events of the past few months alone between light and darkness, I couldn't think about how my intuition kept trying to warn me.
I was so caught up that I convinced myself everything was fine, and I was overthinking things.
I let it cloud my better judgement. But now, looking back, I realize it was never meant to be.
Why did I overlook a red flag when it clearly surpassed the green one?
The words, "I knew this would happen. I should have seen this coming.
I should have listened to my gut"; kept repeating in my mind to the point they became a mantra I couldn't shake off.
They echoed in my head and became my surroundings, engulfing the now white room as time passed yet stood still, turning light into darkness every passing day.
I succumbed to those words to the point I could not find my way out of this loop.
Every sunny day turned rainy, and the rain would pound on the windows unlike anything you'd ever seen.
The flowers on the table died out, and it felt as if all the happiness in the world vanished.
Now, as I thought back on how I felt, I couldn't help but wonder why I had ever thought this was the right choice.
Once in too deep I brushed everything off as a minor issue.
Believing I could conquer my fears. But now, I sit looking at my beating heart in my hands, I realize that alone was not enough to sustain something that was built on a shaky foundation.
My heart was beautiful, warm and slightly moist, it pulsated rhythmically against my skin.
The texture smooth, with a firm yet gentle pressure that felt alive and vibrant.
Each beat sent a wave of motion, a subtle thrum resonating through my fingers, connecting me to its life force.
It felt both delicate and powerful, a reminder of the fragility and strength of life itself.
The warmth radiated the room, enveloping me in a profound sense of connection and vulnerability.
"I'm so sorry I let this happen to you, me, us."
I was on the wrong path. Sitting in silence on the bed just talking to my broken heart.
I realized I had to make a difficult decision.
It was time to walk away, start fresh, and make peace with the fact that some things are a repetitive cycle.
I had to have faith, even if I was on the brink of giving up altogether.
Even if it meant starting over, I know now I need to choose myself.
"We are losing her." I hear voices in the background talking all of a sudden. "She is struggling to hold on."
I could feel the adrenaline pumping through my veins, everything felt distant and hazy. Suddenly, a sharp pain shot through my chest, like nothing I had ever experienced before.
This had to be a different world, it was a surreal feeling as if I was in a dream-like state, detached from my body.
I look down and suddenly face my mortality and my broken body fragile, bruised, my eyes shut gracefully.
Looking at my heart and the recent rejection it carries with it.
Many number of times I had put myself out there and lost count how many more I had been disappointed.
It was enough to make me question everything - my worth, my value, and whether I would ever find someone who could love me for who I was.
This couldn't be real; the reality I thought I was in was not mine.
I remembered now I was in the hospital, what had happened, and why I was dying.
I'd been in a car accident on my way to see the same person I ached for but didn't feel the same.
Now my life was hanging in the balance because I was careless.
But at that moment, all I could focus on was the pain I felt.
Like I had been punched in the chest and my whole body, over and over again.
I could barely catch my breath. But even through the agony, I was grateful I might still be alive.
I was struggling to hold on, it wasn't just physical pain I was dealing with, but emotional pain too—the kind that felt like a heavy weight on my chest, crushing my spirit.
I was on the brink of death from a broken heart or wounds and I didn't know which was worse.
People tell you time heals all wounds, but what they don't tell you, and you find out for yourself, is that the ache never seems to fade, no matter how much time passes.
A pain that consumes you, leaving you feeling lost and helpless.
Memories of what was and what could have been only intensify the pain, and it's hard to focus on anything else.
And then my late grandmother appeared. Just as I remembered her, a woman of real faith. She looked full of life and happiness, and I understood she was in the place she always wanted to be once she passed.
"You are not real" I said, struggling to grasp the moment, feeling adrift from reality. I was in neither, nor reality, but an in between.
"I am as real as spirits can be." Her voice soft and gentle, just as I remembered it from when she was alive. "My dear, listen to me. You need to go back. You are not ready to go."
"Didn't you hear? The doctors said I might not make it." The beeping of the machines surrounded me, my heart rate continuing to drop.
"I know what they said, but they don't know everything."
"I am okay with this being the end of my life." I admitted, feeling a deep sense of peace at the thought of moving on. Facing the possibility of my life ending, a sense of calm washed over me. I knew I was ready to face whatever lay beyond this life.
"There's still fight left in you. You are strong. It's why I saved you."
"You saved me?"
"I will always save you. I'm in your heart you see?" She pointed to my chest with her index finger, smiling warmly.
"Gram. My heart feels like it's been shattered into a million pieces. I keep thinking about everything that could have been that will never be." My voice trembles, and it's hard to speak without sadness seeping through. "Why did this happen to me? Why is my body broken?"
"It's an experience you needed to live. You will heal, even if it doesn't feel like it right now. Your memories will eventually make you stronger."
"I don't want to go back, don't make me go back. I don't want to remember or relive this pain. It is even worse to go back without you." Tears welled up in my eyes, threatening to spill over.
"My dear, I'll be here with you, no matter what." Her embrace was the most comforting hug I had ever received, and I knew that it was something only she could give me.
I couldn't help but break down at her words. "How can you be sure? I have suffered enough to last many lifetimes. How do you know it's not the end?"
"And if you have suffered that much you will get to enjoy many more lifetimes of happiness. You just wait. I can't explain it right now, but you are meant to do great things."
"I can't. I just can't." My voice kept cracking with emotion.
"It is okay to be afraid. There is no courage without feeling scared. I lived a full life, always ready for whatever came next. I am here for you and will stay at this moment, for as long as I can." She kept comforting me, and it made me feel safe.
"Promise you will always be there?" I brushed my fingers through my eyes, feeling the dampness of tears on my skin. As I wiped them away, I took a deep breath, trying to steady my emotions and regain my composure.
"Every step of the way. You are my girl.
We'll get through whatever happens." And with my grandmother's words of encouragement, I sat there, enjoying the moment.
I was reminded that life is short and precious.
I now knew that whatever happens, I might have the strength to get through it because she never left.
I was still unsure how I could let go, everything in me was ready to stay here.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, trying to find some sense of peace amidst the chaos in my mind.
As I did, I reminded myself of all the times I had overcome difficulties in the past. I thought of the moments when I was knocked down but managed to get back up, stronger and better than ever before.
I remembered the strength I had drawn from within, the resilience that had seen me through countless challenges worse than this one. This was nothing, life could go on.
The next thing I knew, the doctor was yelling in the background, and a jolt of electricity coursed through me.
It felt like being hit by a lightning bolt, and everything went black.
Slowly, I opened my eyes to reality and took a deep breath.
My vision returned, and I saw worried faces hovering over me.
My family and friends were there, everyone who mattered, by my side.
Their expressions of relief and love brought tears to my eyes.
I smiled, feeling a wave of emotions wash over me.
For the first time in a long time, I felt a sense of renewed hope.
I knew the road ahead wouldn't be easy, but I was ready.
I had been given a second chance at life.
I saw my grandmother's presence, her comforting words echoing in my heart.
As I lay there, surrounded by the warmth and love of my family and friends, I realized how precious life truly is.
I felt grateful for every moment, every breath, and every heartbeat.
Days continue to fade into weeks, weeks into months, and I can't help but wonder if I'll ever truly be able to move on.
As I now sit at the dinner table, lost in thought, my eyes drift to my phone and my heart skips a beat.
The screen is illuminated with a message that I never wanted to see - proof of a past I had been trying so hard to leave behind.
It feels like a test from the universe, challenging the progress I've made on my healing journey.