Chapter 4 Soft Spots #2
Elliot smiled faintly.
“I know what I'm supposed to like. That's different.”
The words felt strangely heavy once they were spoken aloud.
He had never explained it like that before.
Not to his family.
Not to his friends.
Not even to himself.
The train slowed as it approached another station.
Elliot watched passengers move toward the doors.
“My career wasn't exactly forced on me,” he said. “I chose it. But sometimes I wonder whether I chose it because I wanted it or because it was the kind of life everyone would approve of.”
Kai leaned against the pole.
“You're good at it?”
“Yes.”
“That's not what I asked.”
Elliot looked at him.
“I know.”
Kai's eyes remained on him.
“Do you like it?”
Elliot thought about it.
“I like solving problems. I like building things. I like understanding how systems work.”
“But?”
Elliot smiled without humor.
“But I don't know if I like the life that comes with it.”
Kai nodded slowly.
“Then change it.”
Elliot stared at him.
“That's your advice?”
“Yeah.”
“It's not that simple.”
“Why not?”
“Because people depend on me.”
Kai's expression hardened slightly.
“Do they?”
Elliot frowned.
“My family does.”
“They depend on you or on the version of you that never says no?”
The question landed harder than Elliot expected.
He looked away.
Kai continued.
“You keep talking about what everyone expects from you. What about what you expect from yourself?”
Elliot didn't have an answer.
The train entered another tunnel.
The windows turned dark, reflecting the two of them.
“I think I expect myself not to disappoint anyone.”
Kai was quiet for a moment.
“That sounds exhausting.”
“It is.”
“Then stop.”
Elliot gave him a small laugh.
“You make everything sound easy.”
“No. I make it sound possible.”
Elliot looked at him.
Kai's expression had softened.
“You don't owe everyone a version of yourself they can control.”
The words settled deep inside Elliot.
He didn't know why hearing them from Kai felt different.
Perhaps because Kai wasn't asking him to become someone else.
He wasn't telling him what he should want.
He was simply telling Elliot that he was allowed to want something for himself.
“What if I don't know who I am without all of that?” Elliot asked.
Kai looked at him for a long moment.
“Then figure it out.”
“How?”
“Start with what makes you happy.”
Elliot smiled.
“That's the problem.”
“What?”
“I don't know.”
Kai's gaze remained steady.
“You do.”
Elliot's heartbeat changed.
“How can you know that?”
“Because you're smiling right now.”
Elliot realized he was.
He looked down.
Kai was right.
He smiled more around him than he did anywhere else.
That realization frightened him.
He lifted his eyes again.
“You make it easy.”
Kai's expression changed.
The teasing disappeared.
“What?”
“To forget everything.”
Kai didn't answer.
The train moved through the tunnel.
Their shoulders were almost touching.
Elliot could feel the warmth coming from him.
Neither man spoke.
The silence wasn't uncomfortable.
It was different from the silence at work, where Elliot always felt pressure to fill empty space with something useful.
With Kai, silence felt like permission.
Elliot looked at his mouth.
He realized what he was doing and quickly lifted his gaze.
Kai had noticed.
Of course he had.
“You're staring again,” Kai murmured.
Elliot swallowed.
“Maybe.”
Kai smiled faintly.
“Getting brave.”
“Maybe I'm tired of being careful.”
The words surprised Elliot as soon as he said them.
Kai looked at him.
“Are you?”
“Yes.”
The train slowed.
Neither moved.
Kai turned slightly toward him.
The space between them narrowed.
Elliot's heart began beating faster.
Kai didn't touch him.
He simply moved closer.
Slowly enough that Elliot had every opportunity to step away.
Elliot didn't.
He stayed exactly where he was.
Kai's eyes searched his face.
Elliot could feel his breath now.
Warm.
Close.
His glasses suddenly felt like an inconvenience.
He almost laughed at the thought.
Kai's gaze dropped briefly toward his mouth.
Then returned to his eyes.
Elliot knew what was coming.
And he wanted it.
The realization was frighteningly clear.
He wanted Kai to kiss him.
He wanted to close the remaining distance himself.
His fingers tightened around the pole.
Kai moved another fraction closer.
Their faces were only inches apart.
Elliot could see every detail of him now.
The small scar near his eyebrow.
The dark stubble along his jaw.
The intensity in his eyes.
Elliot's breathing became shallow.
Neither man spoke.
The carriage seemed suddenly too quiet.
Kai's head tilted slightly.
Elliot's eyes closed for half a second.
Then the metro announcement sounded.
The sudden voice broke the moment.
“Next station…”
Elliot opened his eyes.
Kai pulled back slightly.
They stared at each other, both breathing harder than before.
Elliot almost laughed from frustration.
His station.
Of course.
The train began slowing.
Passengers shifted toward the doors.
Elliot didn't move immediately.
Kai looked at him.
“That's yours.”
“I know.”
Neither seemed willing to step away.
The doors opened.
Elliot finally reached for his bag.
He looked at Kai one last time.
Something unspoken remained between them.
Not a kiss.
Not yet.
But no longer just curiosity either.
Elliot stepped onto the platform.
The doors began closing.
He stood there, watching Kai through the glass.
Kai was still looking at him.
Elliot raised one hand slightly, then lowered it.
The train began moving.
He watched Kai disappear into the tunnel.
Only then did Elliot touch his own lips.
Nothing had happened.
Not really.
There had been no kiss.
No confession.
No promise.
But his body knew exactly what he had wanted.
He had wanted Kai to kiss him.
And when Kai moved closer, Elliot hadn't been afraid enough to leave.
For the first time in years, Elliot had wanted something without calculating the consequences first.
That frightened him.
It also made him smile.
He turned toward the station exit, carrying the memory of Kai's face with him.
Tomorrow, he knew, would be different.
Because after tonight, pretending he didn't want Kai would be much harder.
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