Chapter 6 #2
As she hung up, she felt a strange emotion that she couldn’t quite put her finger on.
Not envy. There was no part of her that wanted to be out there chasing another relationship.
And she was happy for George, although she just hoped that Barbara from the doctor’s surgery was a nice person who would be gentle with his heart.
But maybe there was a small part of her that was a little jealous of the thrill of it.
Sure, it would be lovely to have a bit of company and someone to have the occasional adventure with – maybe another wee trip to Spain – but the thought of starting again, learning to live with someone else, sharing her flaws and her bed, well, that made her toes curl with terror.
She didn’t need a new person in her life, but perhaps it would be nice to have something to get excited about.
A bit of connection. That thought took her back to her earlier one about Mandy and Blair.
They were busy people, but still, she tried her best to be as much a part of their lives as they’d let her.
She picked her other phone back out of her bag and dialled the number at the top of her favourites list. It went straight to Mandy’s voicemail.
‘Hi, this is Mandy McGonigle. Sorry I can’t take your call right now, but please leave a message and I’ll get back to you.’
‘Hello, Mandy, love. I was just calling to check in and see how you’re doing.
Give me a wee buzz back when you get time.
’ Netta knew from experience that Mandy might call in an hour or in three days, depending on what was going on in her life, and that was fine, wasn’t it?
No matter their age, it was her job to look out for her children, not their job to take care of her.
Netta had always felt that way, but again, in hindsight, she could see that sometimes her reluctance to be vulnerable with her daughter had perhaps caused a distance between them.
Mandy and her dad hadn’t had the closest of relationships.
Their headstrong, independent daughter had often accused him of being a dinosaur, because with every passing year, he’d become more inflexible, more set in his ways, more reluctant to try new things.
When Mandy had first talked about setting up her own business, he’d spent months banging on about the risks, until Mandy had stopped discussing it.
When she’d reached her thirties and still wasn’t married, Fergus gave her a regular ‘time you settled down’ lecture.
‘I don’t know how you can listen to him, Mum,’ Mandy would say, after yet another barbed conversation with her dad, but Netta would just shrug.
‘Och, he’s not all bad, love.’
And he wasn’t. That was the truth of it.
He was self-centred. He was old-fashioned.
He was inflexible. And he had no appetite to…
what was it the young ones called it? Evolve.
That was it. He had never evolved. He was still the same man that Netta had met over forty years ago, when she’d fallen in love with his strong, quiet confidence and brooding handsomeness.
It was difficult to pinpoint when she’d realised that quiet strength was more of a cold detachment, but she’d been too busy working and bringing up the children to worry about it.
Mandy had once asked why she didn’t leave him, and Netta had replied with a throwaway comment. ‘Why would I want to start over again at my age? Besides, we roll along just fine, me and your dad.’
It wasn’t a lie, but there was more to it. Netta hadn’t been miserable, but she hadn’t been happy either. She’d just existed.
At the time, she’d thought she was avoiding burdening Mandy with her true feelings.
Protecting her from worrying that her mother was unhappy.
But, actually, what she’d done was drive a wedge between herself and a daughter who, Netta suspected, had lost some respect for a mum who’d been a bit of a doormat.
Mandy wasn’t wrong. But Netta knew that the dynamics of their marriage were as much her own fault as Fergus’s, so that’s why she came here on his anniversary to acknowledge their years together and to remind herself that she could live her life on her own terms now.
‘You look deep in thought there, Mum.’
Netta automatically smiled at the sound of her son’s voice.
She’d been so lost in her own world that she hadn’t even heard or seen Blair coming up the path.
He kissed her on the cheek, then placed the bunch of flowers in his hand down on the grass in front of her vase of sunflowers.
Unlike Mandy, Blair had never questioned her choices, never judged his parents’ relationship.
Just as she hadn’t pried when he’d gone through his divorce from Gayle, instead choosing to be an ear to listen and a source of advice when asked.
‘I thought you might be here,’ he said, as he sat down beside her.
Just seeing him made her heart swell. He was in his work clothes – black cargo trousers and a black polo shirt with McGonigle Electrics embroidered on the left side of the chest, his fair hair cut short at the back and sides, with a fringe that was swept back to keep it out of his eyes.
She’d always thought he had a bit of the Freddie Flintoff about him – same height, same blue eyes, same cheeky smile.
All he was missing was a fan club and an aptitude for cricket.
Netta felt her shoulders relax. Although she didn’t see enough of him, they’d always had an easy relationship, a close one, even when he’d been married to Gayle.
Netta hadn’t been a fan, but, of course, she’d never told him that, not even when Blair had discovered that while he was working all hours to support them, Gayle had been having an affair with her boss.
And when they’d split up, all Netta had cared about was that Blair and his toddler, Lyle, came out as unscathed as possible.
‘It was good of you to come, son. Your dad would have appreciated that.’
Blair let out a sad chuckle. ‘Would he though? He’d probably have told me to get back to work and stop slacking.’
‘Yep, that too,’ Netta acknowledged. Fergus had never been one for emotional exchanges or sentimentality with his son either. ‘I know he didn’t show it, but he loved you. Loved all of us.’
Netta wasn’t lying. Fergus had loved them all… he just didn’t know how to express it. At least, that’s what she’d told herself all these years.
‘How’s the wee one?’ she asked, changing the subject.
Blair nodded. ‘He’s doing great. I’ve got him this weekend. Maybe I’ll bring him over?’
‘I’d like that. So, still no significant other on the horizon then?’ She said it with a cheeky grin that made him smile as he shook his head. ‘Noooooooo, thank you. Staying well clear. Once burned and all that. And I realise that’s not the best saying for an electrician to use.’
‘You know, son, you can’t let what happened stop you from looking for love again…’ There was the irony again – she could give out advice, but couldn’t take it herself.
Before she could finish her thought, Blair’s phone buzzed and he checked the screen. ‘It’s the Academy. The electrics have blown in the sound studio. I need to go, Mum.’
‘Of course. I’ll maybe see you later if you’re still there when I start at four o’clock.’
He gave her another quick kiss on the cheek, then turned towards the headstone a few feet away. ‘See you later, Dad.’
He took off jogging down the path, leaving Netta with a knot in her stomach. She worried about him. He was only a young guy, and he deserved so much happiness. He was in danger of letting life pass him by.
She made a mental note to talk to him about that. Maybe it was time to stop being just a sounding board and an open heart and to actually be proactive in giving life advice and steering her loved ones in the right direction, just as Mandy had tried to do with her all those years ago.
A long time ago, Netta had decided to accept the hand that fate had dealt her. She’d stayed in an unfulfilling marriage for decades because somewhere along the way, she’d forgotten that what mattered was a life filled with love and passion and joy.
It was too late for her to find those things now.
But she just wanted to make sure her son and daughter didn’t make the same mistake.