Chapter 15
KIKI
Dinah had popped out to the post office to send today’s online orders, and the shop was empty – probably because it was so hot outside that everyone who wasn’t sunning themselves abroad wanted to be soaking up rays in a park or in their garden.
Kiki was dusting off the stock on the jewellery counter, while Ava was sitting on the velvet bench outside the changing room, back in her shorts and T-shirt now and still beaming from the joy of her new outfit. When she closed her eyes, Kiki knew immediately what was going on.
‘Are you manifesting stuff again?’ Kiki asked, laughing despite her worry over losing today’s wages.
There would be time to fret about the fact that she’d blown the electricity bill money later.
It was totally out of character for her to be so reckless.
In every area other than her long-term relationship, she’d always craved order.
Control. Minimised risk. Made the most sensible decisions from the options that were open to her.
She’d read on one of those pseudo-psychological Instagram posts that adults who’d had chaotic childhoods often turned out that way, so it wasn’t a surprise.
And yes, there were so many things that she wished she’d done differently, but that was also for another day.
Right now, all she wanted to do was enjoy this moment of happiness with her daughter.
Ava opened her eyes and grinned as she nodded. ‘I figure it didn’t deliver Dad, but I got my new togs, so it half worked, which is better than nothing.’
Kiki finished rubbing some fingerprints off a hammered silver cuff bangle that the ladies who’d been in earlier had tried on and debated over.
In the end, they’d gone with the gold-plated version because they said it was more of a match for the retro bikinis.
When the smudged cuff had been returned to its shiny former glory, she put it back on the display and then went over to sit next to Ava on the bench.
‘So tell me what you’re manifesting now then.’
Ava bit her bottom lip, just as she’d done since she was a little girl, whenever she was musing over a question or a problem.
‘I just want… just want… A part in the Academy Christmas show. Remember I told you that they’re announcing who got the lead role tonight after the screening? You don’t understand, Mum… it could be huge. Ollie Chiles is going to be in it too.’
Kiki wanted to say that she understood only too well, but the butterflies in her stomach were affecting her ability to speak.
‘And I mean, I know I don’t have a chance. All the other girls are after it too and when Bryony Browne came in to teach us about manifesting, I’m sure that’s what they were all thinking about. And anyway, I made a mess of the audition…’
This was the first Kiki had heard of this, so she didn’t want to let it go. ‘What do you mean, sweetheart?’
Ava flushed. ‘I just got nervous. Some of the other girls were so much better than me. All the best ones stick together and cheer each other on, and it just made me feel weird on the day and I freaked out.’
‘Oh no. What happened?’ Kiki was trying to keep her tone light, so that Ava wouldn’t clam up under interrogation, but the truth was that she wanted to know every detail of whatever caused her girl to get upset.
‘I just messed it up and bolted out of the room. But then I spoke to one of the ladies that works there, and she persuaded me to go back in and give it another try. So I did.’
‘And it went better?’
‘Yes. But there’s still no way I’ll get it. They don’t want someone who, like, totally flaked out on them.’
Kiki’s heart ached for her. It was in a different context, but she understood what it was like to want something so badly that it felt like the rest of her life depended on it.
She’d never had the kind of dreams that Ava had.
No big passion for performing or reaching the stars.
She’d never even fantasised about travelling the world or climbing Everest or becoming a supermodel or a pop star.
When she was a teenager, she just wanted to be normal.
That was it. Not the kid with the mum that turned up at the school gate drunk and shouted at the passing cars.
Or the kid who lived in the run down, shitty flats.
No, not those things. Normal. Insignificant.
She wanted to have nothing that singled her out as being different.
But then she’d blown that out of the water by getting pregnant. She’d been the only one in her whole school who had to get out of class for antenatal appointments, so of course that gave them all something to talk about again.
After that, she’d only dreamt about giving Ava the best possible life, a whole family with a stepdad who would want to love and take care of them.
And look how that had worked out. The world could keep its dreams – they were just a one-way ticket to disappointment.
But now wasn’t the time to let her sixteen-year-old daughter in on that little nugget of depressing reality.
‘You know, honey, that’s okay. Sometimes the reason things don’t work out is so that you learn a lesson and it sounds like you did. Sometimes that’s the point of it all. Not everything goes right first time.’
‘Is that why you and my dad didn’t work out? Because he was your first boyfriend?’
Kiki feigned shock. ‘Well, get you, Miss Psychologist. Actually, I hadn’t even thought of that, but maybe you’re right.’
‘Do you ever think that maybe you should try again too? I mean, you’ve never had another boyfriend since Dad. That must be… sad. Don’t get me wrong, the thought of you with a boyfriend is, like, ick, but I don’t want you to be alone for ever.’
The surprise that Ava had an opinion on this caught Kiki completely off guard, but she supposed it was only natural. Her daughter had no idea that there had been someone in Kiki’s life all along.
And she wasn’t going to explain it to her now. What would that teach her? That it was okay to wait around and be someone’s secret? Anyone hearing her story would think she was a fool, and maybe on one level, she was, but the truth was that in the beginning their relationship had suited her too.
It was hard to pinpoint the moment that she should have stopped loving him. The moment when it flipped from being the thing that got her through the days to the thing that clouded all her days.
In the early years, when Ava was small, and he was off pursuing his acting career, their long-distance arrangement was the tiny burst of bliss at the end of every night. Ava would be curled up next to her in their single bed, and then the text would come in to make her smile.
Sometimes it was as simple as… I miss you.
Other times, he would be more upbeat. Hey gorgeous, hope your day was great. So much to tell you…
If he was in a different time zone, sometimes they’d chat for hours, more than they ever could if he was there in person.
He’d tell her about every audition. Every performance.
Every review and every missed cue. And she’d be in awe of his passion and his brilliance, because there he was, travelling the world, grabbing opportunities, making a life that was so different from the area they’d grown up in, and from the cold, tatty corridors of South Side High School.
Back then, she’d accepted that they couldn’t possibly have a full-on relationship at that point.
How could that have worked? They didn’t even have anywhere that they could meet.
She couldn’t afford her own place, and she was way down the council waiting list. Her mum worked every night in the pub, so there was no way Kiki could go out for drinks or dinners.
And he couldn’t stay over here, because she shared a room with Ava.
Even when he was back in town for a night or two, she’d let him in after Ava was asleep, and they’d lie on the couch together, but she’d always make sure he was gone by the time her mum came staggering in.
There had been no other option open to them, so she’d known that until she got herself set up in a new place, she’d have to be content with the long-distance thing.
Besides, the thrill of their texts and FaceTime calls went a little way to making up for missing him so much that sometimes it physically ached.
But then… After her mum died five years ago, things changed.
She’d saved up, made the flat so much nicer.
She’d enlisted Ava’s help and together they’d painted every wall in a bright, shiny white.
She’d found some lovely furniture on Facebook Marketplace and on the local free upcycle site.
And yes, she’d had to carry it all up ten flights of stairs because the lift was broken, but it had been worth it to give them a place she was happy to come home to.
The only downside was that by this time, he only made it back to Glasgow a couple of times a year.
The texts still came, but they were less frequent.
And when she saw him on social media with other women…
Well, what did she expect? She wasn’t free to travel with him, so, of course, he had to make a life wherever he was.
And besides, he’d explained how so many things in that world were just manufactured for publicity.
She never complained, never told him how it made her feel, because that would risk losing him and the thought of having nothing in her life was worse than seeing him with someone else.
So she’d put up with it. The last time she’d been with him was just before Christmas, when he’d been back in Glasgow for a show and Ava had been on a sleepover.
He’d come over, spent the night, told her how much he missed her, how he still believed they’d be together one day and then… nothing.
The following day, she’d texted him. No reply.
The next day, the same.
A week later she got the final text: ‘Sorry, I can’t see you anymore.’
No explanation. No further contact. Just gone.
It was like she’d never existed. And every time that thought crossed her mind, she heard her mum’s voice again.
‘Never going to happen. You’re living in a fantasy world. None of this is real.’
Maybe her mother was right. Maybe the whole thing was just a bad dream that she’d wake up from. Or maybe she’d been na?ve and gullible. Maybe tonight, she’d see him and know that there had never been anything genuine between them.
Or maybe he’d see her and realise that leaving her had been a mistake. Maybe she wouldn’t have to ask him for anything, wouldn’t have to leverage their relationship and resort to some kind of blackmail to get what she needed to support Ava.
Maybe there was still time for the one dream that Kiki had ever had to come true.