20. Ethan
Chapter 20
Ethan
I woke up with a sledgehammer pounding inside my skull. Grunting, I rolled over—only to bump into something warm and soft.
I found myself staring at a cascade of copper hair flowing across my white pillow.
Lily. In my bed. Naked.
For a moment I watched her. The slow rise and fall of her full chest, the gentle pursing of her pink lips as she breathed, the pink of her nipples against her pale skin. She wasn’t just beautiful. She was fucking perfect.
Fragments of last night came rushing back. The boat. The moonlight. The engine room. Her lips on mine. Her body against mine. The way she’d looked at me when I told her that she made me feel.
Fuck. What had I done?
You make me feel, Lily.
Christ, I was an idiot when I drank.
Lily stirred, her sapphire eyes fluttering open. Before I could think better of it, I leaned in and kissed her softly.
“Morning,” I mumbled against her lips.
She pulled back, a shy smile playing on her face, and then a frown crumpled her gorgeous face. “I feel like I’ve had a fight with a bear. A bear who’s also a bartender.”
“A bear-tender.”
Lily laughed, then winced. “No jokes when I’m hungover.” She paused. “Oh god. I taste of tiki bar.”
“Well, somehow, you still smell of strawberries.”
We stared at each other for a moment, the air thick with unspoken words. Lily’s gaze, unobscured by her usual glasses, held me captive. Without her lenses, her eyes were like tide pools – deep, mysterious, and ever-changing in the shifting light.
I found myself lost in the flecks of gold swimming in her irises, details I’d never noticed before. This Lily, raw and unfiltered, was a rare sight. A privilege.
“So,” Lily said, breaking the silence. “Last night was really something.”
I chuckled, running a hand through my hair. “We broke a rule. You slept in my bed.”
“That wasn’t the only rule we broke.”
“Right. We slow danced.”
“And we . . . said stuff to each other.”
My heart pounded. “We did.”
“We were pretty drunk,” she offered, biting her lip.
I nodded, grateful for the out she was giving me. “Very drunk. Maybe the rules are more . . . fluid when we’re drunk?”
“Not that it wasn’t. . . .” She trailed off, her cheeks flushing.
Don’t say incredible. Don’t say life-changing. Don’t say one of the best nights of your life.
“Intense,” I finished for her.
Lily’s eyes widened suddenly. “Oh my god, what time is it?”
I glanced at the clock on my nightstand. “Just after eight.”
“Shit!” She bolted upright, clutching the sheet around herself. “The wedding! It’s Elara and Cole’s wedding! I’m supposed to meet Elara to get ready! I’m the Maid of fucking Honor! More like the Maid of Dishonor.”
She grabbed her glasses off the bedside table. I watched as she scrambled out of bed, gathering her clothes from where they’d been haphazardly discarded the night before. Part of me wanted to pull her back into bed, to forget about weddings and responsibilities and just lose myself in her again.
But that was dangerous thinking.
“I’m so sorry,” Lily said, putting on her bra without bothering to pull the straps over her arms, then hopping on one foot as she pulled on her jeans. “I have to go. Elara will kill me if I’m late.”
“Of course,” I said. “I’ve got to do Best Man things for Cole, too.”
She paused at the door, her hand on the knob. “Ethan, about last night—”
“We were drunk,” I cut her off, not ready to deal with whatever she was about to say. “We can just forget about it. Pretend like it never happened.”
Lily smiled, but it looked forced. “Right. Okay. I’ll see you at the wedding.”
Just then, there was a shout. “Boo!”
Lily screamed.
Ava screamed.
She must have crept into the house, back from Cole’s. She stood there staring at Lily, who was standing there in jeans and a bra, while I lay in bed, bare-chested.
“Daddy,” said Ava quietly. “I was practicing my assassin sneaking. I wanted to surprise you.” She looked again at Lily. “Guess I surprised you both.”
***
Susie was waiting in the kitchen, very politely not mentioning the screaming that had just occurred upstairs.
“Did you two have a fun time last night?” she asked, looking from me to Lily, from Lily to me.
“It was pretty good,” I said, my jaw clenched.
“You don’t get much chance to relax and hang loose, do you?”
“No. It was a fun evening.”
“And the boat?” Susie asked, hands on hips. “Was it luxurious?”
“It had a very powerful engine,” Lily said, before blushing and saying, “Okay, I really need to head out. Good to have you back, Susie.” She gave Susie a quick kiss on the cheek. “Gotta get to the bride’s side.”
Susie nodded. She looked so tan and relaxed after her vacation. I probably looked the opposite: pale and uptight.
“You sure you can’t stay for coffee, Lils?” I asked, trying desperately to make it seem like nothing weird was going on.
“Yeah, sorry,” Lily said. “Duty calls.”
“You know what?” Susie said, “I’ll come with you. I’m in the bridal party, so I should head to Cole’s house. I don’t want to miss out on any fun! And it’ll give us a chance to catch up.”
“Yay!” Lily said, but I could see the worry on her face.
After they left, I flipped on the coffee machine.
“Daddy,” Ava said, giving me a long, hard look, “You look awful.”
“Thanks, kiddo. Love you too.” I gave her a big hug. “Did you have fun last night?”
“We played unicorns.”
“That sounds fun.”
“Unicorn warriors . Deadly creatures of magic and mayhem!”
Ava explained the intricacies of the bloodthirsty game as I downed a cup of coffee and some Advil. After Ava munched her way through some toast with peanut butter, we headed to her room. I helped her into her silky blue bridesmaid dress, but we struggled a little with the zipper.
She squinted at me. “Dad. Why was Lily in your room this morning?”
I froze. “Oh yeah. She, uh, left something in there last night.”
“What did she leave?”
“Her . . . book,” I lied, fumbling for words.
“Oh cool! Which one is she reading?”
“Uh, I think it’s called . . . The Romance of . . . Red . . . Robin . You know Lily, always reading.”
Ava’s eyes narrowed suspiciously. “Uh-huh. And why did she leave it in there?”
“Oh, you know,” I said, trying to sound casual as I helped her with her shoes. “The light’s a lot better in my room for reading. By the window.”
“I thought you were out partying last night.”
“We were. But Lily wanted to read for five minutes when we got home.”
“By the window. In the dark?”
“Mm-hmm.” God, I hated lying to her. I couldn’t bear to burden her with the truth, though. That Lily and I were hurtling toward certain disaster.
“Daddy?” she asked quietly.
“Yeah?” I looked at my little girl. Her fierce, blue eyes. Her dark hair. That brave, tender expression.
She blinked at me. “You smell bad. You need to take a shower.”
I laughed. “I really, really do. Now, what are you going to do while you wait for me? We can’t have you messing up that lovely outfit. Which, by the way, you look absolutely gorgeous in.”
She grinned. “Well, I know I said you look awful, and you smell bad, but you’re actually a handsome dad.”
“You’re gonna make me blush.”
“Blush! Blush! Blush!”
I mussed her hair. “Right. I’m showering.”
“And I’m going to sit and read by your window. I hear the light is very good there.”
Jesus, why were kids so goddamn perceptive?
I jumped in the shower and when I got out, Ava was curled up on the ottoman by my window. She really was reading, with her blue overlay and a smile playing on her lips as she silently mouthed the words. It was such a glorious sight that I grabbed my cell phone and took a photograph of her.
I couldn’t help myself from sending the picture over to Lily. I wrote a text to go with it.
You made this happen.
And then, in spite of my better judgment, I put a kiss at the end of it.
“Come on, kid,” I said. “Let’s hit the road. Gotta pick up my suit at Cole’s, and I think you’re having your hair done there.”
“Silly Daddy. My hair’s perfect already.” She grabbed her black hair and piled it on top of her head, then pushed out her tongue and crossed her eyes.
Oh god. I loved her so much. I had to do everything I could to stop her getting hurt.
***
The wedding was taking place on the secluded beach near Cole and Elara’s home, a hidden gem they had transformed into a dreamscape. They adorned the path leading to the beach with delicate string lights and cherished photographs of themselves, as well as Rhea and Lexi, pegged along the line, telling their love story. At the end of the path stood a hundred white wooden chairs, perfectly aligned to face the sea. A towering driftwood arch, entwined with fragrant white jasmine flowers, framed a breathtaking view of the ocean, and a string quartet stood beside it, ready to serenade the bride and no doubt bring a tear to our eyes.
There was a quiet hum of discussion from the crowd as I waited next to Cole, under the arch.
“How are the nerves, bro?” I asked, quietly.
“Probably be feeling a little better if I hadn’t had that final whiskey last night.”
“You can’t turn down Lagavulin, though,” I said, with a wry smile.
“Even though I know I’m doing the right thing, and marrying the right person,” Cole said, his voice breaking slightly, “I still feel fucking nervous. Is that wrong?”
“Of course not. You’re getting married, Cole. If you weren’t nervous, I’d think you were a damn alien. You remember my wedding?”
Cole nodded. “Don’t remember much of your bachelor party, but I remember the wedding.”
“Pretty different to today.”
“Right. It was a good day, though.”
“It was. I was the most nervous I’ve ever been in my life.”
Marie and I had gotten married at the local church. Although faith wasn’t so important in my life, Marie was a real church fiend, and her folks even more so. It had been a small, traditional ceremony, with a registrar who seemed unable to make eye contact. I remember fumbling with my tie and sweating bullets under my suit. Despite the nerves, it was a good day—the saying of the vows, the amusingly austere organ music, the soft scent of pine from the church’s wooden pews, the laughter from our friends during the reception, and the simple joy of being surrounded by loved ones. It was quick and practical, and at the time, I wouldn’t have changed a thing.
“How about my wedding day?” Cole asked, looking over at his ex-wife, Stephanie. “I still can’t believe I showed up drunk to that one.”
“You’ve done some growing since then, that’s for sure,” I said.
“I was mostly nervous for that one because I knew it was the wrong move for me. Hoped that saying our vows would magically make all our problems disappear. Of course, they were just the start.”
I swallowed. “Yeah. Marriage isn’t right for everyone.”
“Hey man,” said Jack, appearing beside us and squeezing Cole’s shoulder. “Still can’t believe you didn’t ask me to be Best Man instead of this asshole.” He pointed at me. “But I’ll let you off. I’d have probably shown you up anyway.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Cole grumbled. “I only didn’t ask you because you didn’t tell me if you could make it until a week ago.”
Jack shrugged. “Hockey before homies, bro. You know that.”
Cole was about to say something snarky, but then string music started to play. The wedding march.
“It’s go time,” Cole whispered.
“See you on the other side,” said Jack, scooting down to his seat beside Susie and Patrick.
The first figures to come into view were Lexi, Rhea, and Ava. My heart swelled with pride as the three girls scattered flower petals down the aisle, jostling each other to grab fistfuls of flowers from one basket.
It sounds stupid to admit this, but I couldn’t help imagining Ava walking down the aisle as a bride one day. She looked so grown-up already, and it struck me that in another eight years, technically, with my permission, she’d be able to marry herself.
Oh god. My darling. Gone.
I wanted to rush down there and tell her how much I loved her, that I never wanted to let her go, but I held fast. Not least because I wasn’t trying to trap my own daughter. I wanted her to grow up and find love, just like everyone else in this world. I was just acutely aware of how lonely I would feel the day she finally moved out of our home.
More figures appeared. There was a gasp, and all eyes were on the bride.
All eyes except mine.
Mine were stuck on Lily.
The soft, pale blue, flowing fabric of her bridesmaid’s dress hugged her slim body, the color bringing out the sapphire of her eyes. Her copper hair was styled in loose waves that caught the sunlight, creating a halo effect around her face.
Our eyes met and I felt my breath catch in my throat.
Lily quickly averted her gaze, a faint blush coloring her cheeks as she continued her measured walk down the aisle.
I turned to the bride. Elara looked great. Her dress was understated and tasteful. White and silky, tight over her baby bump and then flaring out at the bottom, reminiscent of a mermaid’s tail. She held a bouquet of blue wildflowers and white roses, and her lips were trembling as she smiled.
The bridesmaids—Jenna and Ida—walked to one side, standing beside the flower girls, while Lily stayed up front beside Elara. She wasn’t just Elara’s Maid of Honor—she was also giving her away. I could feel the emotion between the two of them as Lily lifted El’s veil. And then, Elara walked up to Cole, and it began.
My brother looked happier than I’d ever seen him.
I was pleased for him. Really I was. A tiny bit jealous of his contentment, yes, but pleased. Still, I found it almost impossible to focus on the ceremony. There was so much adrenaline pumping through my system, so much Lily pumping through my system, that I couldn’t concentrate.
I vaguely recall the celebrant recounting the story of Cole and Elara getting together. Something about boozy chocolate breasts. I just about remember Anthony padding up the aisle with the rings strapped to his back, and then picking up the box and passing the rings to my brother.
But the rest. . . .
It was all Lily Lane.
The joy in her smile. The grace in her movements. The hope in her eyes.
She deserved a day like this of her own one day. I couldn’t stand in the way of that.
Finally, Cole and Elara shared a kiss as husband and wife.
Lily looked over at me and smiled.
And it stirred something in me I thought had died with Marie.
***
Hours later, the reception was in full swing. The soft glow of string lights cast a romantic ambiance over the beachfront wedding marquee. Against my better judgment, I was nursing a whiskey, trying to get some liquid courage before delivering my speech.
Cole and Elara were doing the rounds, warmly shaking hands and kissing cheeks. Ava was with her grandma, who seemed to be showing her a couple of jujitsu moves. I surveyed the room as I thought about what I was going to say.
Obviously, when Cole had told me he wanted me to make a speech, I’d cautioned him against it. “I’m not exactly the romantic type,” I’d said. Even so, he’d insisted.
It wasn’t that I didn’t want to do it. I just wished I was the kind of person who could do a good job with something like this. Need a car fixing? No problem. Need someone to run into a burning building? I’m your man. Need someone to speak in front of an audience?
Probably best you look elsewhere.
“Hey, brother,” Cole said, finally making his way round to me. His eyes were bright with happiness, and there was a rare softness to his usually gruff features.
“Congratulations, man!” I said, hugging him tight.
“Can you believe it? I’m a married man.”
“Again!”
Cole laughed.
His first wife, Stephanie, was standing with her boyfriend Bryce, and they were looking after Rhea and Lexi while Cole had a couple of drinks. He was lucky to get on so well with his ex these days. Cole really did have it all. The amicable ex. Two great kids. A pregnant wife. Me? I had Ava, of course. But I’d always hoped for a bigger family, for a house full of fun and laughter and chaotic family mealtimes. Maybe I just needed to get a dog, like Cole. A dog might do the trick.
“I’ve got a feeling this one’s gonna stick,” Cole said.
I smirked. “So long as Elara doesn’t come to her senses.”
Cole laughed, but then his expression turned serious. “Listen, Ethan. I just . . . hope you find this kind of happiness too, you know? You deserve it.”
My throat tightened. “I’m happy for you, Cole. Really.”
I saw his eyes wandering. I followed them.
Lily was with Ava. She had her hands on her hips and was pulling a funny face, saying something that I couldn’t hear. Ava was bent double with laughter.
Cole looked at me. “I know this isn’t the time, but I think you should know . . . Marie would have loved Lily.”
My jaw tightened. “You’re right, it’s not the right time.”
“I’m sorry.”
“No worries.”
“Feeling loved-up is all.”
I glanced again at Lily. Ava was hugging her now, holding her close.
“If life was different—” I began.
“Different?”
“If I could guarantee that she was the one, that she wouldn’t cheat or get bored or decide she wanted to be with someone her own age. . . .”
“Then what?”
“Then maybe I could try.”
“But life isn’t like that. Be nice if it was. If we had a crystal ball.” He scratched his chin. “But if you’d had a crystal ball, you might never have married Marie. And then you wouldn’t have Ava.”
My chest tightened. “True.”
“Look how much Ava loves her. Lily’s opened up a whole new world for her. She’s been an awesome nanny.” He gave me a pointed look. “And she could be an amazing mom.”
I felt my gut lurch. Cole was taking it too far. I had to let it go, though. This was Cole’s big day, and he was a little drunk and emotional. His brown eyes burned with feeling.
“You don’t get it, Cole. The fact that she’s so special . . . that’s why I can’t be with her. I can’t be ripped apart again. Nor can Ava.”
“But—”
“No buts. It’s gone too far already. I need to cool it with her.”
Just then, the celebrant tapped a knife against a champagne glass, the gentle ringing sound drawing everyone’s attention. “Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time to begin the speeches.”
Dad spoke first. He’d done two of these gigs before, with mine and Cole’s first weddings, so he was an old hand at them now. A mixture of heartfelt sentiments, a touch of humor, a few pearls of wisdom about the key to a happy marriage. Maybe it was his more advanced age, but the speech seemed a little more sentimental than his other, too. He looked at Susie a lot as he spoke.
“Remember,” he said, his voice softening as he glanced at her, “marriage isn’t the important thing. It’s every day after it that counts. Never stop communicating. Never take each other for granted. You don’t know when each new day will be your last.” The room fell silent, and I could see a tear glistening in his eye as he raised his glass to toast us all.
I took a long slug of my drink, determined not to let my feelings show. I couldn’t help but think about Mom, though. She’d died giving birth to us triplets. Dad had to raise us alone and had only taken Susie into his life much later, after we had grown up. He hadn’t married her, and I had always assumed that was because he wanted to keep some kind of emotional distance from her. A layer of protection. As he looked at her now, though, I could see the depth of his love. And her love, too, shining right back at him.
Lily was up next. She told a few anecdotes about cute things she and Elara had done to try to attract boys at school. Then she recounted a story about Cole falling off a ladder after seeing Elara naked for the first time. Obviously, as she told that story, I thought about the time I’d seen Lily naked in the shower, and in spite of myself, I grew inconveniently aroused.
Finally, Lily made everyone laugh as she recounted the plot of a romance novel she’d sold to the happy couple to try to hurry along their romance. The story of a single dad builder and a younger female baker, apparently. The plot was far-fetched and had us all in stitches. “That book wasn’t real, though,” Lily said, pausing a moment as she locked eyes with me. “But true love stories, like Cole and Elara’s, are the ones that stay with us forever.” She raised her glass, looking back at the bride and groom. “Here’s to their happily ever after.”
I raised my glass, but I felt like I’d been punched in the gut. Had Lily just confessed in front of everyone that she believed in love again?
As I headed to the front of the marquee, my heart pounded.
“Ladies and gentlemen,” I began, “for those of you who don’t know me, I’m Ethan—Cole’s triplet. Although I’m afraid I’m not the famous one.” Everyone laughed and looked at Jack.
“Guilty as charged,” Jack called out with a cocky grin.
“Plus,” I continued, “I’m not exactly the romantic type. So, when Cole first asked me to be his best man, I told him he’d be better off asking one of his power tools to give the speech. At least a drill knows how to make an impact.” More laughter. “Cole, Jack, and I grew up side by side, along with our sister, Ida, and we saw him through every phase of his life. From the boy who insisted on ‘improving’ dad’s kitchen appliances by taking them to pieces with an old screwdriver, to the man who can build a home with his bare hands. But I’ve never seen him as happy, as whole, as he is with Elara.” There were some awws and claps.
“Elara, you haven’t just married my brother today. You’ve given new life to our entire family. The way you’ve embraced Lexi and Rhea, the warmth you’ve brought into all our lives—it’s like you’ve always been a part of us.” I paused for a moment, feeling the emotion well up in me. “Love, I’ve learned, isn’t always easy. It can be scary, and unpredictable, and sometimes it feels safer to keep your heart under lock and key. But when it does work out, like for Cole and El, it’s the most beautiful thing in the world. Cole, you’ve actually become—and I can’t believe I’m going to say this—bearable to be around.”
The crowd chuckled. I was about to launch into the story of how I bet Cole he’d fall in love with Elara when they first got together, but as I spoke, my eyes drifted to where Lily sat with Ava. They were watching me intently, Lily’s arm draped casually over my daughter’s shoulders. They looked so comfortable together. So happy. It was beautiful and it was real.
Love was worth the risk. Real love was always worth the risk.
“And, uh . . .” I stumbled, struggling to remember where I was going. “And that’s why . . . I, uh. . . .”
Lily gave me an encouraging smile. I swallowed hard.
“Anyway, here’s to the happy couple.”
As everyone clinked glasses and drank, I felt a cold sweat break out on the back of my neck. The room suddenly felt too small, too crowded.
I rushed out of the marquee, taking great big gulps of ocean air. And yet, still, I couldn’t breathe.
***
Back in the marquee, I heard a familiar voice slurring next to me. “Whoa, bro. You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
Jack, my younger brother, swayed slightly as he clutched a half-empty glass of champagne. His reddish-brown hair was mussed, his tie was loosened.
“Jack,” I nodded, grateful for the distraction. “Enjoying the open bar, I see.”
He grinned, raising his glass. “When in Rome, right? Or . . . when at a wedding, I guess. We aren’t allowed to drink during the season, so I thought I better make the most of the opportunity.” He chuckled, and then his expression turned serious. “Can you believe Cole actually went through with it?”
I frowned. “Of course. Why wouldn’t he?”
Jack leaned in conspiratorially. “Marriage, man. It’s a fucking trap. One minute you’re living the dream, the next you’re tied down with a mortgage and a house full of screaming kids. Your whole identity, gone in an instant.”
I felt a twinge of annoyance. “Cole’s happy, Jack. Not everyone wants to live just for themselves. Besides, married life isn’t a safe bet. Look at me. Hell, look at Cole. We’re all just doing our goddamn best to find happiness.”
“Sure, sure,” he waved his hand dismissively. “But let’s be real. How long before the honeymoon phase wears off and they’re at each other’s throats?”
“Sorry, but what experience do you have of relationships?”
“Plenty.”
“One-night stands don’t count.”
“In that case basically none.” He gave me a shit-eating grin. “But what I’m saying still stands. Marriage still fucks things up.” He sipped his beer. “Just look at your situation.”
“Excuse me? My . . . situation?”
“You loved someone so hard you’ve basically banned yourself from ever having a good time ever again.”
Anger bubbled up in me like magma. “What fucking right—”
“Every time I come back to visit, you’re miserable.”
“You don’t know what my life is like, Jack, and I suggest you shut your mouth before I shut it for you.”
He raised his hands in apology. “I care about you, Ethan.”
“Bullshit. You care about yourself.”
“That’s true. But I do care about you too.” He held up his forefinger and thumb, leaving a tiny gap between them. “A little bit. And I want to see you happy.”
“Happy?”
Suddenly, Jack was distracted. “Say, you happen to know if she’s single?”
Somehow, I knew, even before I looked, that he was talking about Lily.
I looked.
It was Lily.
“Don’t even think about it.”
He raised his eyebrows. “Damn, you are having a good time. Fuck!”
“Drop it.”
“How long have you been screwing her?”
“I’m not in a relationship with her.”
“I didn’t say that. I said screwing.”
“It’s . . . complicated.”
“No, it’s not.”
I shook my head. “Yes, it is.”
“No, it’s not. You like her? Screw her. You really like her? Date her. You go off her? Break the hell up, as fast as you fucking can.”
If only I could see the world like my brother.
“I can’t have this conversation right now," I said. "Have some coffee. You look like you need it.”
Jack rolled his eyes. "It's my one night off, man. Flying back out again tomorrow. Let me be."
"Whatever, dude." I replied. I just didn't have the energy for Jack right now.
I headed for the marquee exit but stopped when I felt a gentle hand on my arm. I turned to see Lily, her sapphire eyes sparkling behind her thick-rimmed glasses.
“Great speech,” she said, her voice low and urgent.
“Thank you.”
“Ava’s been having an awesome day.”
I glanced over to see Jack looking straight at us, that shit-eating grin back on his face.
“Yeah. She’s been so excited for this.”
Her brow furrowed. “Listen, can we talk?”
I tensed, my throat tightening. “Uh, now’s not really a good time, Lils,” I muttered. I could feel panic rising in me.
She bit her lip, her freckled face creasing with concern. “It’s just . . . I’ve been thinking about last night. I think we should—”
“Look,” I cut her off, harsher than I intended. “It was a mistake, okay? We were drunk. Let’s just forget it happened.”
Lily’s eyes widened, hurt flashing across her face. “A mistake? But you said—”
“I say a lot of things when I’m drunk,” I snapped, immediately regretting my words. I sighed. “I’m sorry, Lily. I just . . . can’t do this right now.”
Without waiting for her response, I turned and strode away. I needed to get out of here. Far, Far away.
I needed to find my way back to a place of rules and stability. A place where Ava and I were standing on solid ground. A place where Lily Lane was living her best life, in New York, in the arms of a younger man, or a rock star, or a book boyfriend, or wherever she wanted to be.