Chapter 27
DUSTIN
“So, tell me, who wakes up first?” Mr. Winterborne asked as he walked slowly around the apartment.
I wasn’t sure at all if this was standard procedure. It certainly didn’t feel like it. But I guessed I had to put up with it.
“Well, that all depends. If I have an early morning flight, I will. And sometimes if Cat is on call, she’ll have to go in late.”
He shot me a serious glance. “Interesting.”
“How is that interesting? Just normal couple stuff.”
“Of course.”
I couldn’t tell if he was messing with me or what.
I prayed Cat would get back here quickly.
I contemplated calling her and keeping her on speakerphone, with her end muted so she could hear any conversation between Mr. Winterborne and me where I answered questions.
I was concerned I might answer a question differently than she would.
But there was no way to call her right now, so I would just have to roll with this.
“So, do you want some dinner? Or is this just like a drop in, drop out kind of thing?”
“I would love some dinner. That would allow me to see you two interacting in your normal habitat.”
I squinted, and at that point, I realized I was certainly dealing with an odd man here.
“Cat should be home . . .” I glanced at my watch. “Any minute now. And we can start.”
“Excellent. That will give me some solo time with you.”
Again, this guy didn’t get how creepy he sounded. But he had mentioned the individual interview at our first appointment.
“What do you want to know?” I said, walking in front of him. “The guest bathroom is this way,” I pointed.
“I know. I’m just curious what your bedroom looks like.”
“Mr. Winterborne, is this really standard procedure for the immigration office?”
“Look, if you have any issue with our staff directives, feel free to issue a complaint. I’m out here just trying to do my job. The complaint list is a mile long, by the way, so fat chance it gets addressed.”
“Well, when you put it that way . . .”
“I don’t appreciate the attitude, Mr. LeBlanc,” he said, jotting something down on his notepad.
I relented and let him into the master bedroom. “And which side of the closet is yours?” he asked.
I don’t know why I didn’t just tell him that I get all of my laundry done by the Tigers (true) and that the majority of my clothes were still back in Chicago (also true).
Instead, I noticed a separate closet door, a smaller one all the way to the left of Cat’s big, sliding closet and pointed to it. “That’s mine.”
I regretted saying it as soon as the words came out of my mouth.
Where are you, Cat? We are definitely in need of the smarter half of this operation.
“Well then,” he said. “Let’s have a look, shall we?”
My heart started to thump like a bunny rabbit bouncing.
Ominous, considering the first thing he saw when he opened the door was Cat’s bunny lingerie hanging up.
He shot me a seriously confused look as he tapped the clothing with the eraser end of his pencil. “And when, exactly, do you get dressed up in this?”
I was done playing Mr. Nice Guy here.
If Mr. Winterborne didn’t want to play things by the book, then so be it.
I wasn’t going to play by the book either.
I stepped toward him, and, realizing I still didn’t have a shirt on, I gave him a crazed smile.
“Do you ever get horny, Mr. Winterborne?”
“Beg your pardon?”
“I said, do you ever get . . . horny? And get an urge to do something, well, wild?”
“Well, I never! This is inappropriate.”
“Inappropriate? You come into my house . . . digging around in my closet. And you want to tell me I’m the inappropriate one?”
He swallowed and nervously grabbed the corner of his mustache.
I lowered my voice to a whisper. “The reason I ask, sir, is that I get horny. I do. I get very horny. And you know what I like?”
“What?” he asked, and I saw a bead of sweat forming on his forehead.
“I like to get dressed up in this lingerie bunny suit here and go hopping around the house like Peter goddamn Rabbit. It’s a rush. My wife gets into it too. It’s goddamn liberating if I do say so myself.”
He swallowed hard. I reached into the closet and took the suit out, then placed it against my body. “Wanna see?” I wiggled my eyebrows and added a little hip swivel like I had a tail.
“Uh, no, I uh, no thank you,” he said and pulled out a handkerchief to pat his forehead.
“You sure?” I grinned. “It’s liberating. Oh man, is it liberating. And Cat—” I ran a hand through my hair. “She just gets me. She likes that kind of thing. She’s into the same kinky shit I am, Doc.”
“I’m, uh, not a doctor.”
I took a step closer to him and clenched my jaw, offering him a borderline insane smile. “I know, I just feel like I’m getting all psychological on you, so ‘doc’ seemed appropriate. Doc.”
The front door opened, and we heard Cat’s voice.
“Mmm, it smells so good,” Cat said. “Dustin, honey, are you there?”
“Guess we better go have dinner,” I said.
“Guess so.”
She saw me. “Where’s your shirt?” was the first thing she asked. But she still put her hands on my abs like she was about to start kissing me when she went practically cross-eyed, seeing who was being me.
“Uh, Mr. Winterborne? What is going on? Is everything alright?”
“It’s fine. I’m just—”
I cut him off. “I was just showing Mr. Winterborne the bunny costume I like to jump into when we’re doing cosplay.”
Cat blinked a few times, and her jaw hung open. She cleared her throat.
“I figure we have nothing to hide,” I shrug. “Might as well let him into the dark, sexy corners of our relationship. Do you have a wife, Mr. W?” I shrugged. “Or a husband?”
“I have a wife, yes. What does that have to do with anything?”
Cat looked mortified.
“Aw, I’m just pulling your chain,” I said, slapping him on the back. “Who wants corned beef and cabbage?”
I put a shirt on, we ate, and Cat and I were on a roll with Mr. Winterborne.
We were like two jazz musicians riffing off each other as we filled in the details of each other’s lives.
Cat’s a Scorpio, yeah, of course, that’s why she’s so fiery.
Dustin’s a Gemini, he’s got this whole dark side to him. No, I mean in like a sexy, funny way. Well, you already know about the rabbit costume. What more damage can we do?
And then, just as I thought we were scot free and about to usher him out the door, he asked the big question.
“Alright. So no jokes this time. I’m looking at you, Dustin.”
“Of course. I can be serious.”
He took a sip of his ginger tea and let out a big breath. “You two kept in touch all that time. And then you had a shotgun wedding.”
“Yep. We fell in love fast,” I winked.
“Right. What did it? And don’t say her big brain. What made you fall in love so fast?”
I froze. Luckily, Cat went first.
“For me, you know, Dustin has this outside persona—which is kind of as an asshole, I guess. But we were chatting during the Cancer Sucks Conference, and I was like, you know, this guy really does care. About the kids. And he’d make a great father someday, when he’s ready.
” She put her hands on mine. “And he’ll dress up in a rabbit suit for me. That was important, too.”
Mr. Winterborne gave her a dirty look. “Are you quite serious? I said no jokes.”
“Well, it is important for me to be able to open up sexually with my love.”
“And you?” he turned to me, almost accusatorily.
“Well, that’s a complex question,” I said.
“Being in love is complex.”
“Right. That is complex. And talking has never been something I’m good at.”
“So try.”
“Well, Mr. W, to understand Cat, you’ve got to know her life story.
Her father died when she was eight. And she decided at that moment to become a cancer doctor.
She followed her dreams. So did I. We’re a couple of side-by-side dreamers.
She’s beautiful, whip-smart, and most important, she’s full of generosity and caring.
I saw her coming to the aid of an old man who had fallen down in the casino.
Cat turned red when I mentioned that.
“See? She didn’t know I saw her. Because she was doing it out of the goodness of her heart.
That’s the kind of woman I want. Someone who does good things when no one is looking.
Because if that’s their default—kindness—that’s a beautiful thing.
I know this makes me sound soft. But that’s the advice my grandfather gave me when I was growing up.
And that, sir, is why I’m in love with Kit Cat here. ”
“Kit Cat?”
“Give me a break,” I winked. “I had to put in one little joke.”
Mr. Winterborne took a deep breath. “Well, I’m done here,” he said, standing up.
“Are you going to sign off on everything?” I asked.
“Well, if you’re telling the truth about everything, you have nothing to worry about, right?”
“I’m just wondering if there are next steps from here,” I rephrased.
“No next steps for now. And don’t bother coming in tomorrow. I’m going on vacation. That’s why I came by tonight,” he said as he put on his coat. “I’ll leave the case open just in case you give any trouble. But I was impressed with what I saw tonight.”
“Mr. Winterborne,” Cat asked. “With due respect, was coming over tonight . . . legal?”
He shrugged. “It is, especially when we have reason to suspect fraud. Anyway, you two have a nice night now, ya hear?”
Cat opened the door and turned to me, and we watched him get in his car in the front of the street, then pull away.
“So, uh, that was interesting,” she said. “You told him you put the bunny costume on?”
I wrapped Cat up in my arms from behind. “It just came out. So I went with it. Seemed like it made a good distraction.”
She flipped around to face me, looking up at me. “Is there something you’re not telling me, Dustin? Because it’s cool if you want to, you know, switch roles.”
“Is there something you’re not telling me?”
“Maybe.” She laughed as I picked her up and carried her to the bedroom.
I stripped off her clothes and she mine. I was hard and she was wet and ready for me too fast. We really were getting efficient at this like a normal married couple.