Chapter 18
Siena
A fter I stormed out of Ryan's office, I went to the locker room, grabbed my purse, and made my way outside. I needed a cigarette, and fast. My heart was hammering in my chest, and I wanted so badly to march back in there and kiss him with everything I had. I wanted to somehow prove to myself that there was nothing between us. When he called me Siena, I was torn. Part of me was thrilled at hearing it come from his lips, while the rest of me was livid. He didn't have a right to call me that anymore, and I should never have asked him to in the first place. It was too personal...too much the real me. The me I refused to let anyone in this town know because I was afraid they would use it to break me.
I can't tell you how long I spent outside in the alley, soaking up the cool night air. Most people would have frozen their asses off, especially if they were dressed like I was, but I couldn't care less. If my body was cold, I didn't feel it. All I felt was the thundering of my heart and the nicotine as it worked its way into my system. I was too wound up to go back inside, afraid I would run into Ryan again. I was afraid of what would happen if I did. I was losing the battle with myself to keep fighting. My heart and body were gaining control of my mind and senses, and I knew it was only a matter of time before I gave in to him.
After my fifth or sixth smoke, my pack was empty and I was finally starting to feel the bite of the cold. Reluctantly, I made my way back inside and straight to the locker room. I passed by Ryan's office, relieved that he wasn't there; the door was closed and the room was dark. He had already left, which I was thankful for. Maybe the powers that be were finally giving me a break.
"There you are, girl! You missed your slot so Libby took it for you. Where were you?" Bambi asked, concern lacing her tone.
I wasn't in the mood for conversation, so I kept it brief. "Out back. I just needed some time to think, and I couldn't do that in here."
"Anything you want to talk about?" she asked. One of the things I liked about Bambi was that she was truly a good person. Yes, she was sort of a slut who had a reputation around the club about how good she could suck cock, but she had a heart of gold. I trusted her, and I knew I could talk to her about what was going on.
The problem was that I wasn't ready to yet. I didn't want anyone to know I was falling for Ryan, because then it wouldn't just be the two of us in danger; it would be anyone that knew about it and didn't say anything. I couldn't do that to her...I couldn't do that to anyone.
With a slight shrug of my shoulders and a smile on my face, I turned to her. "Thanks, but it's just some shit I need to sort through on my own."
"Alright, well, let me know if you change your mind. You know I'm always here for you, girlie."
She walked up and wrapped her arms around me, hugging me tightly. I wanted to spill my guts to her right then, but I refrained. If I was going to tell someone, it couldn't happen in Carlo's club where anyone could be watching.
"I know. Thanks, Bambi...for everything."
"No need to thank me. Anyway, I'm heading out to the stage. I'm up next!" With that, she walked out the door and left me to my thoughts.
A minute later, Lib came into the room. "Hey. We didn't know where you were, so I took your slot. I figured you could take mine in twenty minutes if you wanted to. Two of the new dancers are on after Bambi, and then I was supposed to go, but the crowd out there is probably sick of seeing me."
I laughed and smacked at her shoulder. "I highly doubt that, but if you're sure it's okay, then yeah, I'll take the slot. I'm heading home after that, though. I need to do some thinking, and that's not going to happen while I'm here."
"I understand that," she said as she gave me a hug. "I'm going to head out soon, myself. When is Tony getting back from wherever he is?"
I shrugged my shoulders and rolled my eyes. "I don't know, and honestly, I don't care right now. We can talk about it later, though. Are you free for breakfast tomorrow?"
Libby nodded while answering, "Yep. The usual place?" I nodded, so she continued. "Is ten okay? You know how I hate getting up early."
I had to laugh because Libby was a bitch if she had to wake up earlier than nine. "Ten's fine. I'll see you in the morning."
"See ya," she responded, skipping off to take a quick shower and change before heading home.
The next thirty minutes were a blur. I got up and danced my number. Luckily, security actually did their job. No one came near me, which I was grateful for. After collecting my tips from the stage, I made my way to the locker room, slipped on my leather jacket, grabbed my purse, and headed out. Dancing usually helped me clear my head, but that didn't happen tonight. I had a major headache coming on, and all I wanted to do was curl up in my bed and sleep.
When I got home, the mansion was quiet so I went straight up to the bathroom. I took my time in the shower, and when I got out, I tossed on a thin, silk camisole and a matching pair of sleep shorts. I wasn’t sure where Carlo was, but I knew he was somewhere nearby; he always was, and he always seemed to watch over me. Instead of that thought creeping me out like it once did, it brought me a strange sense of peace as I drifted off to sleep, dreaming of the one man I couldn't have but so desperately wanted.
The next morning, I woke up earlier than I wanted to and was in dire need of coffee and a smoke. I made my way down to the kitchen, but paused outside Carlo’s office when I heard him talking.
"Vincent told me what happened last night, Ryan. You look like shit." I heard a humorless laugh before Carlo continued. "How's your hand?"
"I've had worse," Ryan responded, and I could just picture him shrugging his shoulders and playing it off. He was such a tough guy all the time.
Not wanting to listen to anything else, I made my way silently to the kitchen to start my coffee. A few minutes later, I was sitting at the table, enjoying my caffeine fix when Ryan walked in.
Carlo hadn’t been exaggerating when he said Ryan looked like shit. He had a black eye and a busted lip, but it was more than that. When he saw me, his shoulders slumped like a man who knew he had been defeated, and the sight of it made my chest constrict painfully.
"I'm sorry to bother you, Trixie. I'm just here to get some ice for my hand and then I'll be out of your way." He didn't even look at me as he spoke. Instead, he kept his head down and walked right up to the fridge. My demands for him to leave me alone obviously worked a little too well, and it made me sick to think I'd somehow hurt him. He was no longer radiating energy and cockiness; he was displaying resignation and hopelessness. I had done that to him. I had broken his spirit and put out his flame. Knowing that it was my fault broke my heart.
Without conscious thought, I rose from my place at the table and grabbed a dish towel from the sink before approaching him. I needed to fix this...to fix Ryan. The man in front of me was a stranger, not the man I secretly fell in love with. Wordlessly, I took the bag of cold peas from him and wrapped the dish towel around it before leading him back to the table.
I could feel his eyes burning into me as I turned back to the coffee pot to pour him a cup. He didn't say anything, and the tension in the air was almost suffocating.
Knowing this was entirely my fault, I took a deep breath and then turned around to face him.
"I'm..."
"Trix..." We both started at the same time and then stopped. Ryan's lips twisted in a small smile as he motioned for me to continue.
"I'm sorry, Ryan. I didn't mean any of that stuff I said last night. I was trying to do what was best for both of us. If we ever did anything behind Tony's back and he found out, he..." I let my words trail off as my eyes searched his, silently pleading with him to understand why I'd done what I had.
His eyes softened a little as he returned my gaze, and for a split second, I saw a flash of what looked like hope. "What do you want?"
Without hesitating, I answered him. "You, Ryan, I want you, but it can't happen. We can't happen. As much as we may want it to, as much as we both want to relive that weekend, we can't. We'd be signing our own death certificates if we allowed it. I don't want that for you. You deserve so much more than that."
"What if I don't want better? I can't get you off my mind. You're all I think about. Fuck! I haven't even let the girls at the club suck my dick because all I can think about is you. You've ruined me for other women. It was supposed to be the other way around—I thought I could fuck you out of my system and be done with it—but it's not. I can't stop thinking about you, dreaming about you, and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to control my thoughts or my actions anymore."
He sounded lost and it broke my heart. "I know it's hard, but you need to try...for both our sakes." Without another word, I leaned forward, gently kissed his swollen hand, then his bruised eye, and then, ever so softly, I kissed his busted lip. It was my way of showing him that I cared without going too far.
When I pulled away, his eyes were closed and his face was peaceful. The cocky Ryan I knew may not be back, but at least he wasn't the broken man who'd walked into the kitchen. "Goodbye, Ryan. I'll see you around."
He smiled my favorite crooked grin and winked at me. "See you around, Trixie ."
With that, I walked out of the kitchen feeling much lighter. Things were finally starting to look up.
Tony got home from wherever the hell he was a few hours after my conversation with Ryan, and he said that he was taking me out for dinner tonight. He told me I needed to dress up and be ready by seven because he had reservations. Knowing I didn't have any choice, I spent the afternoon getting ready for a dinner I was surely going to hate.
It didn't surprise me to find Tony dressed in a tux and waiting for me downstairs.
He was always over the top when it came to everything, but this was a little extravagant even for him. Something was going on, and I had a feeling I wasn't going to like it.
When the car pulled up outside Rosebud Prime on Dearborn Street, I knew I was right. Tony helped me out and placed his hand possessively on my lower back as he led me into the restaurant. The hostess greeted us, looking at Tony appreciatively and blatantly flirting with him right in front of me. You can have him, bitch, if you think you can handle him.
"How may I help you today?" she asked in a sugary sweet voice as she eye-fucked my boyfriend.
Tony was his typical ‘charming' self and made me want to roll my eyes. He smiled at her and leaned in to speak in her ear. "Reservation for Valenti. We have a private room tonight."
The waitress giggled like a schoolgirl and smiled. "Of course, Mr. Valenti. Right this way." She led us to a small room in the back of the restaurant. On any other occasion, I would have thought it was beautiful, but not tonight. Tonight, Tony was up to something, and it wasn't sitting well with me.
While I took in my surroundings of a single table set for two, brightened with a beautiful candle-light centerpiece, Tony pulled out his wallet to tip the hostess. I couldn't help but notice that he slipped her his card while he was at it. I also couldn't ignore it when he leaned in and whispered in her ear, causing her to giggle and glance nervously in my direction. No doubt he was lining himself up another whore to fuck on the side.
Rather than confronting him, I chose to ignore it, and instead, took my seat at the table to wait for him. Almost as soon as I sat down and he joined me, a waiter came to take our drink order.
"Yes, we'll have a bottle of the Casanova Di Neri Tenuta Nuova, Brunello Di Montalcino 2004," Tony said after glancing at the wine menu. It was one of the more expensive Italian wines available, which is probably why he chose it. He loved to flaunt his affluence to everyone around him. The waiter nodded his head and then turned on his heel to grab the wine.
While he was gone, Tony perused the menu, removing mine from in front of me when I went to open it. "I'll order for you, Trixie. There's no need for you to look at the menu tonight."
I had to bite my tongue to keep from lashing out at him. One of my biggest pet peeves was when a man didn't let his woman have any say in what she wanted. I was going to be eating the damn food; it should have been up to me to choose what I wanted.
Once our orders were placed and the waiter was gone again, Tony turned to me and took my hand from the table. "My beautiful Trixie, I'm sure you're wondering why I asked you here tonight." I had to blink my eyes to keep them from rolling at his remark. He didn't ask me to go anywhere...he demanded that I join him. "We've been together for over two years now, and while we've had our problems, I feel like we are stronger because of them. I want to make this more permanent. I want to know you'll be at the house every night when I get home from work. I want to see you growing big with my child, and I want to know you'll never leave me. Will you marry me, baby? Will you give me all of those things?"
Was he fucking serious? I couldn't help the bark of laughter that came out of my mouth. He obviously didn't find my outburst at all humorous, and his glare turned deadly. Still, I squared my shoulders and looked him right in the eye to answer him.
"No, Tony, I will not marry you. Do you want to know why?" His eyes widened for a moment before narrowing to slits as he sat there silently. "I won't marry you because that was the most sorry-ass proposal I think I've heard in my entire life. Marriage is about love, and the give and take between you and the other person. Your proposal was completely one-sided. Not once did you tell me you loved me or that you couldn't live without me. Not once did you tell me what you would give me or make me feel. It was all about what I would be giving you. Well, I'm done being walked on. I'm done watching you flirt with anyone with a pair of tits and a pussy. I will not be used anymore, dammit! If you want to be with me, then it needs to be only me. I will not marry you just to watch you have a revolving door of goomahs. I can't do that, Tony. I've looked the other way for too long, but I'm done turning a blind eye.
"I will continue to be your girlfriend, but that's it for now. I know you can't change overnight, and I don't expect you to. What I do expect is that when I agree to marry you, you remain faithful to me. I will give you six months to break it off with all your whores. Six months to start treating me with the respect you should have been showing me for the last two fucking years. If you're able to do it in that time, then ask me again and I'll say yes. If not, then don't fucking bother!"
I was so mad that I grabbed my wine glass and chugged it before standing up from the table. "Where the fuck do you think you're going?" he hissed as I started walking to the door. "We haven't even received our food yet."
"I seem to have lost my appetite!" I snapped. "I'm going out to the car to have Adam take me home. You can stay here if you'd like, but I'm leaving."
With a big huff, he pulled out his wallet, pulled several hundred dollar bills out, and tossed them on the table. Then he turned and followed me out to the waiting car, silently brooding the whole way home.
To say that my timing for turning Tony down was bad would be the understatement of the goddamn century. When we arrived home from dinner, he stormed into the mansion and up to his father's study. I made my way to the en suite and started a nice, hot bubble bath to help relieve some of my stress. While I was in there, I started thinking about how soon I could get the hell out of Chicago. I had plenty of money saved up, and could go anywhere in the world I wanted to go. I just needed to figure out where that was and when I would be leaving.
Maybe an hour or so later, I was startled by a loud noise in the adjoining bedroom, followed by something breaking. Well...a lot of somethings breaking, really.
Cautiously, I stepped out of the tub and wrapped myself up in my robe, tying the belt tightly around my waist. I could hear Tony cussing and continuing his rampage, so I tried to slip out of the room as quietly as possible. If he noticed me, he didn't say a word.
I made my way down to the kitchen and searched through the fridge for something to eat. I had told Tony that I lost my appetite, and I had at the time, but now I was starving. I pulled out the makings for a sandwich and was just starting to put it together when I heard someone stomping down the stairs. That was followed by a loud crash, and then the sound of the front door slamming shut.
I stepped into the foyer and peeked out the window just in time to see Tony climbing into his Escalade with Adam. Once they were both in, Adam took off like a bat out of hell. I found it hard to believe that me turning Tony down affected him like that, but wasn't sure what else could have set him off. Deciding that I didn't really give a shit, I went back to making my sandwich.
A few minutes later, as I was eating at the dining room table, I heard voices coming from the other room.
"I wish he was more like you. He destroyed half my house with his little tantrum." Carlo was obviously talking to someone as he descended the stairs.
"You knew giving me the East District wasn't going to go over well, Carlo." Ryan sounded sympathetic.
What? Carlo had taken away the East District from Tony and given it to Ryan? No wonder he was so fucking pissed. First I turned him down, and then this. Wow! I almost felt bad for the guy...almost.
"Yes, but I hoped he would act a little more mature about the news." I could picture the frown on Carlo’s face as he talked. It was always the same when he was disappointed for some reason. "I'm heading out to meet Enzo and Vincent for drinks tonight. I trust you will keep an eye on things for me here?"
"Of course," Ryan replied. "I'll try to keep Tony from busting anything else if he comes back. The staff is already going to be livid in the morning when they find the mess he left for them."
I heard Carlo chuckle and then say thank you before the front door opened and closed. I knew it was wrong of me to listen to their conversation, but I was down here already, and wasn't about to leave my half eaten sandwich to go back up to the room that Tony obviously destroyed.
I was just finishing my sandwich when I heard footsteps behind me.
"Hello, Trixie. Late night snack?" Ryan questioned as he joined me at the table.
I barked out a laugh. "You could say that," I shrugged. "I didn't really eat earlier, so I was starving."
His eyes narrowed for a moment before he spoke. "You didn't eat dinner? But I thought Tony was taking you out tonight?"
"He did take me out, but I walked out on him before the entrees even arrived."
The look on his face would have been funny on any other night, but I wasn't in the mood to laugh tonight. I was still pissed off about what had transpired at the restaurant.
After some serious coaxing on his part, I told Ryan exactly what happened, from Tony slipping his number to the hostess, to his sorry-as-hell proposal. I caught him glancing down at my hands several times before he finally gathered his thoughts enough to speak.
"So he asked you to marry him after giving his number to some random chick right in front of you?" he questioned incredulously.
"Yep," I responded, popping the p.
He shook his head and then glanced down at my hand again. "Did...um, what did you say?"
Was it my imagination, or did Ryan look almost defeated? Without even thinking about what I was doing, I moved my hands to his and gave them a gentle squeeze. "I told him no," I whispered, looking into his eyes as he stared at our joined hands, which were resting in his lap. He still wasn't looking up, so I squeezed his hands again.
Slowly, he brought his gaze up to meet mine, and I felt the world disappear around us. "You said no?" he asked, sounding puzzled by my revelation.
"Yes, Ryan. I told him no...that I wasn't going to marry him if he couldn't be faithful to me. I gave him six months to clean up his act, and told him if he didn't, not to even bother asking me again because the answer would be the same."
The air was thick around us, making it hard to breathe. I wanted to look away from his penetrating stare, but I couldn't. "And what happens in six months? What happens if he does clean up his act? Will you say yes?"
Would I say yes? No; there was no way I could. I refused to live in fear ever again, and I'd be sealing my own fate by agreeing to marry Tony. I couldn't tell Ryan that, though. He didn't know anything about me or my past. He didn't know I was planning to run, and I wanted to keep it that way. Not knowing what else to say, I shrugged. "I don't know," I finally answered, hoping he wouldn't see right through me.
I didn't have to worry though, because Ryan wasn't looking at my face anymore; he was looking at my bare shoulder and partially exposed chest. The tie on my robe had worked itself loose without me realizing it, and the hunger in his eyes was unmistakable.
Before I even had time to blink, he was out of his seat and hovering above me, his lips securely attached to mine. I moaned involuntarily at the feel of his kiss, and he took that opportunity to deepen it, sliding his tongue into my mouth to dance with mine. God, I had missed this! Missed him!
It wasn't until I felt him fumbling with the belt on my robe that I pulled back. We couldn't do this...especially not here. "Ryan...uh, we ca...we can't do this. Ugh... We need to stop." Trying to form coherent sentences was nearly impossible as he kissed his way to my shoulder, pushing the thin material of my robe to the side. "Ry...Ryan, stop!" I had to put an end to this before someone walked in and saw us. Sensing my urgency, he pulled back and looked me in the eye.
His actions seemed to finally click, and then he started apologizing profusely. "Oh my god, Trixie, I am so fucking sorry. I don't know what came over me."
He was freaking out, and it was rather endearing. "It's okay. I said we can't do this, not that I didn't want to." I met his eyes and smirked, making him groan loudly.
"Fuck!" he hissed under his breath. "I'll just be...um, upstairs for a few minutes taking care of...yeah." With that, he jumped up from the table and bolted up the stairs, slamming some door behind him.
It looked like the great Ryan Lawson had a weakness after all...and that weakness was me.