Chapter 4
Chapter Four
Jonah
My dad is standing at the bottom of the stairs, and it helps deflate my confused dick.
But it doesn’t help the rest of me. As I descend the stairs, they seem to narrow to the same point.
Dad. The picture on the wall to his left shows my grandparents standing proudly in front of the farmhouse.
The picture underneath it is of me at five years old on a rusted tractor.
In the picture, my dad stands proudly beside me.
My chest tightens, making it difficult to breathe, as if the guilt is suffocating me.
I almost turn around and jog back up the stairs.
Toward what? Vivian? God, I’d been so angry.
But that didn’t excuse the way I treated him.
Not letting him leave. Pressing him against the door. And then he moved his legs and—fuck.
Get your shit together, Jonah.
Focusing on my dad’s face, I jog slowly down the stairs. When I reach the bottom, I give him a side-hug. “Hey, Dad. Good to see you.”
His eyes study my face. “What’s going on?”
Shit. My heart races. Did he hear me fighting with Vivian? Did Carolynda say something? “Um, nothing.”
“Your face says something differently.” He frowns. “And you’re too thin. Are you eating?”
My body relaxes. This is Dad being Dad. When Mom left, he started mothering me—Nat would tell me that’s misogynistic. Men can be caretakers too.
Dad has always tried to make up for my mom deserting us.
“I’m fine, Dad.”
“It’d be easier to believe if you came home more often,” he says, leading me into the living room.
“Daddy,” Maisy says, “I’m a dragon!” She runs around the room as if to prove it, and then she throws herself into his arms. He laughs and picks her up.
I admit, I wasn’t a Carolynda fan at first. I wanted my dad to be happy, but why did that have to include a whole new family?
Carolynda smiles and puts down the streamers she’s attaching to balloons. She kisses Dad, and they both grin at each other. Will I ever find someone who looks at me like that? Doubtful.
“How is the party planning going?” Dad asks.
“It’s going.” But her smile drops a little.
“How are you feeling?”
The wording seems strange. Or is it the way he says it? Has Carolynda been sick?
Maisy tugs on Dad’s sleeve. “Mommy sad.”
The air is sucked out of the room as Dad squints at Maisy and then Carolynda. “What happened?”
“It’s nothing.” Carolynda waves her hand and laughs. “You know how emotional I get.”
Except that Carolynda is a lot like her son. Her emotions are usually locked down tight.
“Vivian made Mommy cry.”
Ohhh shit. “Hey, Squirt,” I say quickly, trying to stop the impending avalanche. “You want to help me blow up balloons?”
This isn’t about protecting Vivian. He doesn’t need or want my help. I learned that long ago. And I’m sure Carolynda will tell Dad whatever she wants, whenever she wants.
Dad follows her into the kitchen, confirming my suspicions.
Maisy and I blow up balloons, and then I let the air out again and she giggles.
We manage to get some inflated before Dad and Carolynda return to the living room.
They stand close. United. It feels that way, at least. But united against what?
I briefly consider talking to Vivian about how weird our parents are being. But I know how that will go.
Maisy runs over to them, and Dad ruffles her hair.
I suddenly feel like an outsider. Hell, I’d rather fight with Vivian than stick around down here. Without a word, I head back to my room.
I listen for Vivian, but there’s no sound coming from his room. Stretching out on my bed, I stare up at the ceiling. What should I stress about first? This thing with Dad and Carolynda? Or what happened earlier with Vivian?
I could apologize. But he’ll just bite my head off.
The memory surfaces before I can stop it.
Vivian against the doorframe as I leaned over him. I’d wanted to punish him.
He pushed me in every way, but there was also something submissive. Did Vivian want to submit to me? Was it the look in his eyes? The way he opened his legs as if he wanted—
My body is hot all over. With shame? Desire? Maybe both.
But it doesn’t stop me. I imagine Vivian submitting to me. Relying on me to take care of him. Giving me complete control.
Jesus. Watching porn is one thing. But wanting to dominate my stepbrother? Shameful doesn’t cover it. My dad would disown me. And even if he didn’t, Carolynda would. What if she left my dad? Just like my mom.
Keep it together, Jonah.
It shouldn’t be too hard. I just have to remember how much I hate Vivian. But for some reason, that’s getting harder to do.
“Fuck.” The harsh whisper comes from our shared bathroom.
Should I leave it? He sounds upset. What if it’s about me? What I did?
I approach our shared door carefully, avoiding the floorboards that tend to creak. Is Vivian sobbing? It’s restrained. As if he’s trying not to.
What the hell is going on in this family? It’s only been a few months since I was home. What did I miss?
I should walk away. Leave him to his grief. That’s what he’d want. But I can’t. I knock softly. “Vivian?”
There’s rustling, and something drops with a thunk.
“Vivian?” I say, a little louder this time. No answer. But when I press my ear to the door, I can hear his stuttered breaths. “Are you okay?”
“Fuck off, Jonah.”
That’s clear enough. When will I learn? I need to stop trying to help him…except that’s what I do. I like helping people. And feeling like you’re all alone sucks. Vivian and I will never be close, but I don’t wish that on anyone.
I drop onto my bed and return to the thing I usually stress about the most. At least it feels normal, unlike this thing with Vivian.
This trip is my chance to come clean. Tell Dad I don’t want to take over the farm. I hate keeping it from him. That’s what Mom did. I can’t do that to him.
But now isn’t the right time to bring it up. Something is going on with Carolynda. What if she’s sick? My Dad can’t take another loss like that. And what about Vivian?
Nausea hits me, and I feel like I’m going to throw up. I race to the bathroom but stop at the door. I don’t hear anything. I try the handle. It’s not locked. Relief pours over me as I rush into the room and splash cold water on my face. Gripping the sink, I take deep breaths.
Carolynda is fine. Everything is fine.
Another breath in and out. My stomach settles a bit, and I turn to go back to my room.
And that’s when the yelling starts.