Chapter 40 Claire
Claire
“?Cuándo más tiempo?” Claire asked the taxi driver.
She wasn’t sure if it was the right way to ask how much longer it would be until they reached Oca?a airport, but apparently it was close enough, because he said, “En diez minutos, se?ora.” Ten minutes.
“Gracias.”
The small airport that Matías had mentioned for skydiving was just south of Madrid. After his abuela left, Claire hadn’t had any luck getting him to appear by pressing on her palm, so now Claire was on her way to the place where he said he would be at nine o’clock, whether she was there or not.
I can’t believe I am voluntarily signing up for skydiving, she thought.
But at the same time, it was absolutely what she should do. Not only because she couldn’t get Matías to show up at the hotel, but because in their relationship, he was always the one coming to her. It was Claire’s turn now to come to him.
It had probably been her turn for a while, but she hadn’t wanted to compromise in the past. She had wanted to keep her life exactly as it was—with her insane work schedule and her white-knuckled grip on control and most of all, the citadel wall she kept up to protect herself. All the family she’d ever had had died. All the men she’d dated in the past had eventually found fault in her and left. So Claire had subconsciously synthesized this to mean that if she didn’t give too much of herself to anyone else, she wouldn’t hurt as much when it ended.
But Matías had never wanted anything from Claire but for her to be herself. He had put forth an immense effort to fit himself into her life, memorizing as many of her tidiness rules as possible even though they were in complete opposition to his personality, making meals for them around her client calls, not being angry when she canceled their trip to Spain at the last minute.
And what had she given in return?
Order. Reliability. A “home base,” was how Abuela Gloria had put it.
But still, it wasn’t enough. Matías loved Claire, but he deserved not just a stable routine, but her true, vulnerable self. His soul was drawn to it; it was the reason he’d shown up for her here in Madrid, when she let herself need him.
And maybe that was where Professor Hong had gotten it wrong. Matías’s soul hadn’t needed to fall in love with Claire in order to connect with her. Instead, it was she who had to open herself up enough to be his guide back.
Ironically, being here in Madrid and caught up in these impossible circumstances had forced a slower pace to her relationship with Matías, unlike the impulsive whirlwind of their New York courtship. Because Claire had had to spend long stretches of time here without him—and because the threat of losing him forced her to see her need for him more clearly—she had fallen more deeply in love with him. Or, in a way, had truly fallen in love with Matías for the first time ever, rather than the last eleven months of holding up her protective walls, never giving in entirely to love because she was scared he would see her weaknesses and leave.
But instead, Matías’s soul had shown up when Claire was at her most vulnerable, the least in control. And none of what she once feared had happened. He had seen the soft, scared person under her facade of control and, like his abuela, had not judged. So she had let him into her heart completely.
And that was possibly helping him to remember who he was. Who she was. Who they were together. Before their fight in the hotel room, he had paused, confused for a moment, when he felt like he knew her. Maybe it was because her Matías—the one in New York—had always understood Claire better than she realized. She hadn’t needed to try so hard to hide her tender spots and imperfections from him. He’d already seen them, and he loved her—broken bits and all. So in the past week, each time Claire let herself need Matías’s soul, she let him in a little more, let him see her whole self. And that was helping him to remember.
Though, if Abuela Gloria was right, it was also hurting him. The more time Matías and Claire spent together—the more his soul was drawn to her—the worse things got for him physically. Claire felt sick. Instead of guiding him back to his body, she’d been inadvertently luring him away from it, making a relationship with her feel more appealing than with the weak, broken body that awaited him in the hospital. And the more solid their bond grew—the more substantial Matías became around her—the thinner the ties holding him to his body became.
She hoped she could find him one more time, convince him to go back.
“Ya hemos llegado,” the driver said as he pulled up to Oca?a Airport.
“Muchas gracias.”
She got out and stood a bit stunned as the taxi drove away. This wasn’t so much an airport as an airstrip. There was one small building that seemed to be the main one, and then a few hangars. That was it.
Claire swallowed hard.
I can do this, she thought. If not for myself, then for Matías.
After a couple of deep breaths, she followed the signs for Nubes Aladas, Clouds Like Wings. Claire was already shaking, and she was still on the ground.
“Hola,” she said when she reached the front desk. “Quiero…jump out of a plane?”
Definitely a question, not a statement.
The man behind the desk grinned. “Your first time?” he asked in English.
Claire nodded.
“Okay. Do not worry. It is very safe, and we will take good care of you. The sunset dive is an incredible experience. I guarantee you will love it.”
Without realizing what she was doing, Claire had been rubbing her right thumb over and over the middle of her left palm. She looked around, hoping that Matías would show up any second now to do this with her, but he was nowhere in sight.
Maybe it was because she was early. The plane took off at nine, but she’d wanted to get there with enough time to get in the mandatory training for first-time jumpers.
Or…maybe Matías wasn’t here because he was too angry. He was a de León, after all, and he could hold a grudge like the rest of them. When Mia Kova? had talked shit about Claire at the law firm holiday party last year, Matías’s eyes had immediately transformed from sunshine to white-hot lightning, and Mia very quickly decided she ought to leave the party early.
But Matías had never been mad at Claire for very long, and even when he was, he never lashed out.
Claire pressed her thumb into her palm harder while the man behind the counter, Javier, went through the skydiving package information with her. There was a short instructional video she would watch, and she would dive tandem with one of the crew members, just like Matías had said. She wouldn’t have to worry about releasing the parachute herself or steering their landing if she didn’t want to, because she literally would be strapped to an experienced skydiver.
It only made Claire 2 percent less nervous.
But she signed the waiver and paid. Javier showed her into a small room that held just a TV on the wall and a few folding chairs, two of which were already occupied by a middle-aged British couple so excited they were bouncing in their seats.
“You doing this by yourself, dear?” the man asked.
Claire looked around again, still hoping for Matías, but she was all alone.
“I guess so,” Claire said.
“Were you expecting someone?” the woman asked.
“Sort of. I, um, didn’t know if he’d show up.”
The woman made a face. “Oof, sorry, love. Men can be so insensitive sometimes.”
“With the exception of yours truly,” her partner said. The woman swatted him playfully, and then Javier turned on the TV, so their conversation ended.
—
After the safety and instructional video, Claire put on the red jumpsuit Javier gave her and thought, This won’t be so bad .
But then they walked out onto the tarmac.
“We’re flying in that ?”
Just like Oca?a Airport was so tiny she wasn’t sure it actually qualified as an airport, the plane looked like an overgrown toy. It was bright yellow with propellers over the wings, a line of seats inside, and an open door that she wasn’t sure ever closed.
Oh god. That’s the hole I’m going to jump out of.
Into the fucking sky.
She stopped walking as the rest of the group proceeded down the tarmac.
A minute later, Javier came jogging back with a dark-haired woman in a yellow jumpsuit. “Claire? This is Esmeralda. She has done thousands of dives, and she will be your partner tonight.”
“We are going to have fun,” Esmeralda said. She was a solid woman, and she linked her arm through Claire’s to coax her toward the plane.
Claire glanced one more time over her shoulder, but Matías hadn’t come.
Maybe he was still upset with her. Or had she strayed too far outside of Madrid for his soul? Was the distance from his body in the hospital too great?
But it wasn’t that far from the city…
She and Esmeralda reached the plane. If Matías wasn’t going to be here, did Claire really have to go through with this?
Yeah, I do, she thought. Just like she had promised that she would learn Spanish no matter what happened to Matías, she had decided to come here as proof of how she was willing to put herself out there for him. And that was still true, whether or not he would witness it.
Esmeralda patted her on the back. “?Lista, Claire?” Are you ready?
Claire clung to the doorframe for a moment. Then she said, “Lista,” and ducked inside the pocket-sized plane.
—
The door of the plane did actually close. It was like a smaller, clear version of a garage door that rolled down once everyone was on board. The British couple buckled into the jump seats to Claire’s left, and Esmeralda and the other instructors were buckled in across the narrow aisle. Although everyone else enjoyed watching the takeoff through the transparent door, Claire squeezed her eyes shut.
Not long after they were airborne, one of the instructors rolled the door back up.
Claire’s eyes flew open. “We’re already going?”
“No, no,” Esmeralda shouted. “It is only to allow in some air. Otherwise it will be too stuffy while we wait to reach altitude.”
“How high are we going?”
Esmeralda raised her eyebrows. “That was in the video you watched. Do you remember?”
Claire shook her head. Right now, she couldn’t do anything other than cling to her seat. She certainly couldn’t recall a specific number.
“Fifteen thousand feet,” the British man yelled over the noise of the wind. “One of the highest offered in all of Europe!”
“That’s why we chose this company,” his partner said with an approving nod toward Esmeralda and the other instructors.
Claire shut her eyes tight again, every muscle taut, hands pressed together like in prayer.
I can do this on my own, she thought, but I don’t want to, Matías.
I want to do everything with you.
I want to wake up every morning and have breakfast with you. I want to spend each evening curled up on the couch, talking about our days. I want your opinion about my career. I want to watch you for five hundred hours while you craft miracles out of blank wooden panels and paint.
I want you to be able to tell me about Vega without being afraid you’ll hurt me. And I want to tell you stories about my childhood and about Jim and Sarah, even if it makes me cry to remember that they’re gone.
I want to give you all of me, even the softest, most frightened parts that I usually keep hidden under chain mail and steel plates.
You would do anything for me, Matías, and I want to prove that I’ll do anything for you, too.
“This seems like a good start,” Matías said, fully suited up in the jump seat next to Claire. “You’re leaping out of a plane.”
She let out a little cry. Esmeralda looked over, concerned, but Claire pasted on a smile and waved her away.
Then Claire turned toward Matías. He looked nearly solid—barely blurred edges, colors bright, his eyes that beautiful, molten gold she loved. She let her hair block her face so it wouldn’t look like she was having a conversation with herself. The wind whipping through the plane obscured the sound of her voice.
“Matías, you’re here!”
“I said I would be, didn’t I? Whether you decided to come or not?”
Tears prickled Claire’s eyes. He always kept his promises. Luis had said the same of him, and it was one of the things Claire loved most about Matías. “I am so sorry about the fight in my hotel room,” she said. “You were just trying to help, and I shut you down viciously.”
“I’m sorry, too,” he said. “Your career is important to you. I shouldn’t have suggested you could simply walk away from your life’s work. I would have reacted the same way to someone telling me to quit painting.”
“You were only giving advice.”
“I really like how dedicated you are to your career.”
Claire sighed. “And I love you.” The words flowed easily out of habit.
Matías, though, cocked his head.
Oh shit. She’d temporarily forgotten that this Matías had only known her for a handful of interactions.
Claire tried to look sheepish. “Pretend you didn’t hear that? I think I’m just super nervous about, you know, hurling my body out of a flying tube of tin, fifteen thousand feet from the ground.”
But instead of laughing, Matías frowned.
Then he ran his hand through his mess of black hair. “Would it be strange to say I feel like we’ve known each other in a different life?”
She had to bite back a sob.
Claire reached toward him. Her fingers fluttered, but she closed the last inch and grazed his hand.
It was so light, barely a touch. Even so, she could feel tiny sparks in the infinitesimal space between them.
Matías held still.
Could he feel it, too?
“Does this mean I have permission to touch you now?” he said.
She half laughed, half cried. “Yes. You do.”
Across the way, Esmeralda rolled the plane door closed again. One of the other instructors turned toward Claire and the British couple. “We are close to altitude now, so we are temporarily shutting the door so you can hear about final preparations. Each of us will come by to check your harnesses, and then we will be ready to jump!”
Claire inhaled sharply.
“Don’t worry,” Matías said. “I will be out of the plane right behind you.”
Esmeralda came over and double-checked Claire’s gear.
“You look good. Goggles on and we’re ready to go!”
Claire looked over at Matías. He gave her an encouraging nod before he lowered his own goggles over his eyes.
The crew rolled open the door again. The sun was setting now, and the air around them glowed as if on fire.
It would have been one of the most beautiful things Claire had ever seen if she hadn’t been worried about jumping into it with just a scrap of fabric to slow her descent.
“Okay, get close to the door,” Esmeralda said.
Claire inched forward but refused to look down.
“You’ll love it once we’re out there!” Esmeralda grabbed the top of the doorframe and finished strapping herself onto Claire’s back—not the other way around, as Claire had initially thought. But this would be better, right? Even though Claire would have to see the ground coming at them first, it meant that Esmeralda would be in charge of pulling the cord for the parachute and steering it and everything.
“On the count of tres, okay?” Esmeralda shouted into the wind.
“You got this,” Matías said as he climbed past them and swung himself through the door, so he was holding on to the outside of the plane.
The outside of the plane? Claire’s eyes went wide, but he winked at her. “I got this, too.”
“Uno,” Esmeralda said, beginning to swing herself and Claire in the doorway. “Dos, tres!”
They shot out into the sky.
Oh god oh god oh god…
Matías pushed himself off the plane a moment later.
Claire’s stomach shot up to her throat. She hated falling. She’d thrown up even on the kiddie roller coasters at the county fair. Why would anyone sign up to do this over and over again?
A hand clapped over hers.
It wasn’t Esmeralda’s, so Claire looked over.
Matías had caught up to them, and he threaded his fingers with Claire’s, his right palm clasped against her left. Like when he had kissed her in the studio, he was here but not, his touch a warm pressure against her skin.
She smiled at him, and all of sudden, her fear flew off into the clouds.
He squeezed her hand.
She squeezed back.
And then Claire looked straight down at the earth, at the sunset sky all around her, and she opened her mouth and let out a whoop of pure, unshackled glee.
Matías howled like a jubilant wolf.
And together, they spiraled through the orange and pink sky, holding hands all the way down.