31 Ginger
31
Ginger
I didn’t know what I was thinking when I decided to kiss him. It was one of the few times I’d ever let an impulse, a whim, what I really wanted, carry me away. And I knew if I had it to do over again, I wouldn’t change a thing. Despite everything that started on top of that Ferris wheel late in the evening. Despite all that changed. Despite all that broke and was born in that moment. Because sometimes, a small act is destined to mark your whole life, to set you on a path that wasn’t even there a moment before. Even if we’re not aware of it at the time.
But I did know. And I knew it would hurt when we got out and I saw his face, the tension in his jaw and shoulders. And I knew it had been worth it to chase the memory. Sometimes you just know, even when knowing stings.
We walked through a nearby park in silence. The snow was falling harder and starting to stick, covering the ground with a fine layer of white that shone under the orange of the streetlamps. Rhys sighed as I tried to catch up with him.
“Could you stop running?” I asked.
He was taking long, quick steps, almost leaving me behind. He turned. His face was cloaked in shadow. “That shouldn’t have happened, Ginger. I’m sorry.”
“Why not?” I finally reached him. “Rhys…”
“It’s ruined everything.”
“That’s not true. It hasn’t.”
“I have nothing to give you.”
I crossed my arms. I was wounded, angry. “Did it ever occur to you that maybe I don’t want anything from you? I know how things are, Rhys. I know it may be years until we see each other again. Or maybe we never will. But I wanted that. I wanted to kiss you tonight…”
“Dammit, Ginger…”
“And you did too.”
“You’re going to make everything complicated.”
“We just have a few hours.”
“Shit,” he grunted between clenched teeth, running a hand through his hair.
From his expression, it was impossible to tell what he was thinking. He just shook his head again, barely, as if to himself, then stepped forward, and I felt his body against mine, one of his hands on my neck, and he pushed my chin up softly and covered my lips with his in a kiss so deep, so different from any other, that it seemed unfair to call it just a kiss. After all, there were many kinds of kisses. Rhys’s were intense and warm, full of all the things we had suppressed up to then. I hadn’t dared to admit that I needed him. I was addicted to him, to everything he had given me through those words we exchanged every day. I wanted to know more about the Rhys from years ago, who had run off in search of something he still hadn’t found, and the Rhys from tonight, who had made this the most special birthday I’d ever known.
I don’t remember how long it took us to reach the hotel.
I just know I couldn’t stop smiling as I looked at him.
We stopped every minute to kiss.
“Jesus, Ginger.” He held my chin.
“I think it’s just one more street.”
Rhys’s look was serious. Firm. Decided. He didn’t hesitate. “If you come up, nothing’s going to happen, understand?”
“Why not?” I unwound my hands from behind his neck.
“Because I need it that way, Ginger. I… I don’t know what I’m doing tonight, but I don’t want to regret it tomorrow. I don’t want to lose what we have.”
“You’re not going to lose me,” I whispered.
He observed me a few seconds, still doubting, still stiff. His hair and his dark jacket were covered in snow. Mist was streaming from his lips. The cold had made them red; my kisses had made them redder. I reached up and caressed them slowly. Rhys caught my wrist and stared into me, and I could hardly breathe.
He wove his fingers into mine and continued down the street that led to the hotel, saying nothing when he took out his key card and slid it into the back door. We went inside. The warmth embraced us. The carpeted floor silenced our footsteps as we climbed the narrow stairway to the third floor, where he had a room. I trembled when we got inside. It was so small, just room enough for a bed, two nightstands, and a little en suite bathroom.
The windowsill was low enough to sit on. I drew the curtains and leaned against it while Rhys took off his jacket. I could feel him behind me, and I leaned into his chest. I was nervous. Happy. Sad. Everything all at once. His arms wrapped around me, and I could feel his breath on my neck. The snow was falling harder now, covering the streets with white, and the balconies, the tops of the streetlamps and traffic lights, and London’s Victorian roofs…