Chapter 15 Mona #3
“I don’t know. Whatever you want. But if what you’ve told me about Douglas all this time is true, he would never allow you to be treated this way in his home.
He would never want you to be feeling this way.
He did notice something was wrong, and you lied to him about the reason.
How can he fix it if you don’t tell him the truth? ”
Damn it. I start crying again. “There’s nothing he can really do to fix it.”
“Of course he can. It’s his house. He can kick that woman out or at least tell her to shape up.”
“He’s known her most of his life. He’s known me for three weeks.”
“That’s an excuse.”
“What do you mean?”
“You know perfectly well your relationship with him has been deeper in three weeks than his has been with that woman after decades. You know it. You don’t want to talk to him because of other reasons.”
I sniff and mop at my face with a wad of tissues. I’m sitting on the edge of the bed in a room that isn’t supposed to be mine. “What other reasons?”
“Because you don’t want to admit to him or to yourself the truth.”
“The truth?”
“You know what I’m talking about. That you’ve fallen for him. That you want everything with him. That you at least want more than only December with him.”
I fall back onto the bed and cry some more.
“You know it’s true, Mona. You can at least admit it to me.”
“I know. It is. It’s true. But it’s so incredibly stupid! How could I have done this to myself?”
Quince clears her throat. “A couple of things. One, I don’t think you did it all by yourself. He’s been in this thing too, and you’ve always been smart with your heart. I honestly don’t think you would have gotten here if he hadn’t been right there with you.”
I sit up at the irrepressible surge of hope from her words. “You think so?”
“I do. No one is perfect. All of us fall for the wrong person occasionally. But you’ve always played it safe. If you hadn’t been sensing he’s in the same place, I really don’t think you would have gotten this far.”
“I hope that’s true. But, if it is, he sure hasn’t said so.”
“I know. He has his own issues. But stop beating yourself up for being stupid when you haven’t been stupid in this.
And that leads right into the second thing, which is that he’s got his share of responsibility in this.
How dare he use you to make himself feel better and give himself a holiday from his dreary life without any real commitment?
How dare he playact intimacy with you and make you believe it was real when it wasn’t? How dare he break your heart that way?”
“No!” Ridiculously, I’m immediately riled in defense of Douglas. “He didn’t do that at all! He didn’t. He’s the kindest man I’ve ever met. He was… he’s always been real with me.”
“Listen to yourself. All of what you’re saying can’t be true. He can’t be good and real and honest and kind—and not in love with you.”
My mind is so blurred with emotions it takes me a minute to work through what she’s said.
When I have no response, Quince says more gently, “A good, honest man would never have been what he’s been with you this month if he wasn’t in love with you too.”
I breathe heavily into the phone, trying to control the wild beating of my heart and the surging of my blood.
“He needs to know what you’re not telling him, Mona. He needs to know everything you’re not telling him.”
“That’s easier said than done.”
“Of course it’s easier said than done! You know my entire checkered history of romantic failures.
I’m the last person in the world to give lectures.
But what the hell else am I supposed to say here?
Yes, I agree that he should open his eyes a little more and see what that woman really wants from him.
But he doesn’t. At least not yet. And how do you think he’s going to feel when he finds out that the woman he loves has been treated this way in his own home? ”
“Quince, stop. Stop giving me all this hope. I do… I do see what you’re saying.
And now that I’m thinking about it, I do think you must be right to a certain extent.
He’s got to have real feelings for me. There’s no other explanation for how he’s been acting with me.
But feelings are not choices. And he’s already chosen in this.
He can love me and still decide against us.
He can love me and still break my heart. ”
“I know he can. But I’m not convinced he will. And you’ll never know for sure until you talk to him.”
I sigh loudly, rubbing my face. At least I’ve mostly stopped crying. “Okay. I hear you. I get what you’re saying.”
“So you’ll go talk to him tonight?”
“No! Not tonight. The house is full of people, and I would have to traipse upstairs and through all the hallways in the middle of the night to get to his room. Someone would see or hear. He would hate it as much as I would to lose our privacy that way. But I’ll…
I’ll try to work up the courage and find a good time to talk to him. I’ll… try.”
Quince isn’t entirely pleased with my stalling, but there’s nothing she can say to change my mind.