Chapter 17 Mona #2
He’s breathing slowly but heavily. I can hear the slight rasp with each inhale as he gazes at me without wavering.
Something is stretched and aching in his expression.
Finally he says, “If you would have come to my room at night like you used to instead of avoiding me, we could have talked about all this. I could have fixed it. It never would have gotten so bad.”
He’s right. Of course he’s right. But he doesn’t know the whole story.
He doesn’t know how deeply I need to protect my own heart right now.
“Why have you been avoiding me, my dearest one?”
It’s the endearment along with the gentle tenor of his tone that does me in. I shake with silent sobs.
“You must tell me,” he adds when I can’t get any words out.
“Everything… everything just felt different.” The words spill out helplessly. “It all felt weird and awkward… and not as safe as before. I didn’t want to embarrass you by anyone seeing me sneaking into your room at night, and I didn’t know… I didn’t know… whether you even wanted me to.”
He doesn’t respond, but he’s listening. He’s hearing me. Thinking about every word.
Then, because it really needs to be said, I add, “You could have come to me, you know. I’m not the only one with legs and a mouth.”
This surprises him into a brief huff of amusement.
He pulls me into a quick hug before withdrawing so he can meet my eyes.
“You’re right. I could have done more. But I believe I was trapped in the exact same emotional quagmire as you.
Too scared to make a move lest the beautiful bubble burst. The difference is I did try once to come to you. ”
“What? What do you mean?”
“Saturday night. I came to your room.” Before I can question that claim, he adds, “Or what I thought was your room.”
“Oh no!” I raise a hand to cover my mouth. “Oh nooo! You showed up at Blakely’s door?”
He clears his throat. “Uh, yes. Unfortunately so.”
I collapse into giggles, which consume me so completely I have to hide my face in his shirt to recover. When I do, I manage to say, “Oh no, Douglas. That’s the worst. Did she… did she think…”
“I was rather disoriented, but yes, she did indeed believe me to be at her door for a midnight tryst.”
His use of “midnight tryst” sends me into more giggles, as does the mental image of Blakely’s face. “What did you do? Did you just run away?”
“Close to it. I did make it clear I was looking for you before I beat a hasty retreat.”
“No wonder she got worse to me after that.”
“I can see that now. I am very sorry if my bumbling behavior made the past days worse for you.”
“I was bumbling around pretty well on my own,” I admit. “But why didn’t you come find me after you realized I was in a different room? I was wide-awake. I would have… If you’d come to my room, it would have been a dream come true.”
As soon as I hear the words, I wonder if they’re too much, but Douglas doesn’t appear to register anything strange or inappropriate about them.
He says, “I didn’t know what room you’d been moved into.
And I couldn’t very well go pounding on every door in turn until I found you.
And then, by the next day, you’d pulled very far away from me, so I didn’t think you’d want me in your bed at night. ”
He sounds exhausted on the final words. It’s very clear to me now that he’s been every bit as upset and confused as I’ve been.
I slump against him, and he wraps his arms around me, holding me for a few minutes.
The floor might still be stained, but everything else is better.
So much better than I thought it could ever be.
“Wait a minute,” I say at last. “Why aren’t you hiking? Why aren’t you with anyone else?”
He chuckles self-consciously.
I straighten up so I can look at him. “What’s going on?”
“I was getting desperate.” He clears his throat before he continues, “I knew you’d pulled away and I should probably respect that.
But every day I felt worse. I couldn’t let it go.
I couldn’t wait until everyone else finally left.
This morning I realized I couldn’t fully exist until I got a chance to talk to you.
But I also, in all my other attempts, couldn’t catch you on your own during the day. So I made a plan.”
“You made a plan?” My eyes are wide and round.
“I engineered the hiking trip to get everyone else out of the way. I knew if I pulled out too early, the others would too, so I waited until the other cars left and everyone was in place in the car I was riding in. Then I faked a headache, jumped out, and told Greer to just head out without me. It had to be at the very last minute. Even then, I barely made it. Blakely was about to get out too, but Greer must have read something on my face because she started driving before anyone else could disembark.”
His confession and rueful tone sends me into more helpless laughter.
“I thought it was quite a clever plan,” Douglas says, smiling at me fondly.
“It was a brilliant plan. But you’re always brilliant. Thank you for going to all that trouble just to talk to me.”
“It wasn’t any trouble. And I would do far more than that to see this smile on your face again.” He runs his thumb tenderly across the arc of my lips. “I’ve missed it very much.”
I’m about to melt into a puddle of sappiness, so I make myself say, “So we have most of the day to ourselves then?”
“We do. How would you like to spend it?”
“I do have some work I need to do since Colleen and Roy are off today.”
“I can help with any chores. That way they’ll go faster.”
“Okay.” I’m grinning like a fool, but I really can’t help it. “In that case, we might have a few hours afterward before everyone gets back. What would you like to do?”
“I’ll do anything with you and be happy doing it. But if you want the truth, the emotional turmoil this week has absolutely exhausted me, so my top choice would probably be collapsing in the library.”
I giggle. “That sounds exactly perfect to me.”
* * *
With Douglas’s help, the essential chores that must be done this morning take only about an hour. Then we take a fresh loaf of cranberry-orange bread and a pot of coffee up to the library and lounge together on the couch.
He wasn’t lying about being exhausted. He actually dozes off after a while as we’re cuddled together. I revel in the warmth and affection until I fall asleep too.
We don’t wake up until Douglas gets a text message from Greer saying they’re on their way home and about half an hour away.
Any stray thought I might have had about having enough time for sex flies out the window after that. Douglas simply isn’t a quick-screw-in-a-few-minutes kind of guy, and neither one of us is comfortable with the possibility of being caught flushed and rumpled afterward because we cut it too close.
I don’t even care. The emotional relief I’m experiencing is far more powerful and satisfying than any orgasm I’ve ever had.
Plus things are different now.
There’s no reason I can’t knock on Douglas’s door tonight.
Before we fell asleep, he asked how I would like him to handle Blakely.
I told him it was entirely up to him, but I would like to be kept out of it as much as possible.
While I’m certainly capable of standing up for myself against anyone, I don’t actually care for direct conflict.
My position in this house and the nature of my relationship with Douglas make things awkward for me, and I’d rather not get dragged into anything public or embarrassing.
He understands and says he’ll take care of it.
By the time the others return, Douglas is reading in the library, and I’m happily prepping ingredients for dinner in the kitchen. Except for the damage to the floor in Blakely’s room, there’s no sign that anything happened at all while they were gone.
* * *
I stay in the kitchen all afternoon. Preparing a large dinner all by myself takes some time, and all my jittery upset from before has been settled.
I don’t actually know what Douglas and the others have been doing for the few hours since they returned, and I don’t know where anyone currently is as I start setting the dining room table with simple, pretty place settings and a low centerpiece I arranged from fresh flowers.
The sound of voices from the adjoining sitting room startles me so much I freeze. The speakers must have been mid-conversation when they stepped into the sitting room and moved within earshot.
Then I recognize one of the voices. Douglas, his tone as soft and mild as normal.
“I’m not having that conversation. Now or ever.
She is no concern of yours whatsoever, and I will not hear criticism of her from you.
I simply wanted to make clear to you that any hopes you might be entertaining about a relationship with me beyond what we’ve had are without foundation. They will never happen.”
“Doug, no! You’ve let that girl poison you—” Blakely. Of course.
“Did you not hear what I said, or did you fail to understand that I’m serious?
” He never raises his voice in anger. Not ever.
Even now his tone is ice-cold but also soft and controlled.
“You will not speak her name in my presence again. I value friendship, and I’m cognizant of your long history with our family.
I’d rather this unfortunate situation not create an unbreachable rift.
But maintaining your favor and indulging your petty whims is not and will never be my priority.
Every person under my roof, whatever their position, will be treated with humanity and respect.
And if any of my guests are incapable of meeting this base-level standard of decency, they will no longer be welcome in my home. Do you understand?”
“Douglas, please—”
“Do you understand?”
There’s a huffing sound. Then a rustle of motion. No more voices.
I’m still standing with one hand wrapped around the stem of a crystal wineglass. Very carefully, since my whole body is trembling, I unwind my fingers and pull back my hand.
I wait a few moments. Hear a long sigh that’s recognizably from Douglas.
I peek into the sitting room to see that he’s alone.
So I hurry over and pull him into a tight hug.
He hugs me back like he needs the embrace. But he sounds exactly like himself as he murmurs, “You didn’t hear all that, did you, my darling one?”
“I heard.”
“I’m sorry. I was angrier with her than I should have been. I’d rather you never hear me being unkind.”
“What?” I pull away enough to blink up at him. “Are you serious? You were not unkind. It had to be done, or she would have never given up. And I wouldn’t have missed hearing that for the world.”
* * *
Blakely leaves the house before dinner with a flimsy excuse about one of her best friends being in crisis.
No one appears to care.
Dinner goes smoothly. Everyone is in good spirits.
Aunt Augusta declares my crown roast the best she’s ever eaten.
And then everyone, including me, leaves for the candlelight Christmas Eve service at the Presbyterian church at ten o’clock in the evening that’s evidently a yearly tradition for their family.
It’s almost one in the morning when I’ve finished putting up the last dishes and wiping down the kitchen so it’s ready for Colleen tomorrow morning.
I take a quick shower because I feel a little sweaty from all the work, and then I put on a pretty red nightgown and a thick bathrobe with slippers before I leave my bedroom to walk silently up the back stairs.
Tomorrow, after I return from visiting my family, I’m going to move back into my real bedroom.
The hallway is dark and perfectly silent as I make my way to Douglas’s room.
I tap on the door.
It opens so quickly I make a little sound of surprise.
He chuckles as he pulls me into the room.
“Were you lurking by the door?” I whisper, closing and locking the door behind me.
“You were taking so long I got worried you weren’t going to come. I was about to leave the room and wander through the halls until I found you.”
He must be telling me the truth. He’s wearing slippers and a robe like me.
With several snort-laughs in a row, I pull off my robe and step out of my slippers.
He does the same. He’s wearing nothing but pajama pants beneath it.
We move toward each other until we’re kissing, both of us smiling, both of us eager, both of us hungry.
We’re still kissing as we fall rather messily into bed.
We’re still kissing as we fumble around until we’re both naked.
We’re still kissing as we stroke each other to arousal.
We’re still kissing as he’s finally sinking inside me.
We’re still kissing as our bodies rock together with raw, accelerating rhythm.
And we’re still kissing afterward, both of us hot and breathless and replete.
I’m not sure when we stop kissing, because it feels like we’re still doing it as I fall asleep.