Chapter Eighteen
Ryleigh
I’ve just dumped a load of laundry onto my bed to fold and settled Ella onto her Boppy pillow on the bed beside the pile of clothes.
I didn’t realize how much I’ve missed having easy access to a washing machine.
This is way better than hauling clothes to a laundromat.
Ella lets out a little squeal of approval, mirroring my sentiments exactly.
“You might as well learn now.” I smile at her.
Folding her clothes is a snap. They’re so unbelievably tiny; I still don’t think I’m used to it. I make a little stack of baby onesies and socks next to my leggings and sweatshirts. Then I smirk.
Somehow one of Alexei’s T-shirts has gotten mixed in with my load of laundry.
I hold it up next to my body. It’s enormous.
The sight of it mixed in with Ella’s stuff and mine makes me smile.
He’s at practice this morning—yes, I may have already looked at the clock at least seven times, already ready for him to be back home.
Last night went so much smoother than I imagined.
Meeting his mother was nerve-racking, but once we started talking, I think I won her over.
She seemed so surprised and impressed that I was caring for a baby who wasn’t mine.
And his sisters were cool too—just real, genuine girls I could see myself being friends with in another life.
Ella makes a squeal of happiness, and I chuckle at her. “You’re a good little helper, aren’t you?”
I fold Alexei’s shirt with care and place it onto the stack just as my cell phone rings. I grab it from the bedside table to answer.
It’s Andi.
Holy shit. Finally.
My heart jumps. “Andi? Where are you?”
“I am so sorry. Is Ella okay?” She sounds tired and scared. It rattles something inside me.
My gaze drifts to Ella, where she lays on the bed. “She’s fine. Where have you been?”
“I’ll explain everything in person. Are you home?”
Hot shame burns through me. She trusted me with her baby, and now here I am homeless. But I can’t tell her that. Not until I know what the hell is going on.
“No, actually. But I can meet you somewhere. The coffee shop on the corner near the apartment.”
“Sure,” she says.
“Give me twenty minutes.”
We end the call and I pack up Ella, buckling her into her carrier with a fuzzy blanket, and wonder if this is the last time I’ll do this.
Trying to hold back tears as I look at her, tears for this little baby who’s been under my care for the past two weeks, so much so that I’m starting to get attached to her.
But I can do this. So I grab her diaper bag filled with all her stuff, and then look down at her angelic face.
“Come on, sweetie, we’re going to see your mommy.”
I think about texting Alexei to let him know I’m going out, and then decide against it. He probably won’t see my text since he’s on the practice field, and if he does happen to see it, he’ll probably only worry. I want to see how all this will play out first, and then I’ll call him later.
We arrive at the coffee shop, and Andi is already there.
When I spot her across the room, my knees buckle.
She looks even frailer than she did two weeks ago, and her hair is completely gone, at least as far as I can tell with the silk scarf wrapped around her head.
Her face is pale, but her eyes light up when she sees us.
She rises on unsteady feet, placing both hands flat against the table to help with her balance.
“Oh my gosh,” Andi cries, reaching for Ella. “She looks so much bigger.”
Still in a state of shock, I unbuckle the straps and lift Ella out, then hand her to her mother. “She’s been eating well,” I say.
Andi sits down with Ella in her arms, quietly stroking her smooth cheeks and downy hair while tears stream from her eyes.
I think I’m in a state of shock myself. Seeing her in this condition, I find all my unanswered questions start to come into focus.
My heart breaks for Ella, for Andi, and for whatever this is that she’s going through.
It’s such a tender moment that I don’t dare interrupt, despite all the questions buzzing through my brain.
After several minutes, Andi wipes her cheeks and straightens in her seat.
She’s still holding Ella close to her chest, but her gaze is now fixed on mine.
“Thank you so much for taking care of her while I was away. I’m sorry for just leaving, but I knew I could trust you to do the right thing.
I couldn’t bear to leave her to the system. ”
I nod, not quite knowing what to say. “Where were you? Is everything . . . okay?”
Andi looks down at her daughter and smiles sadly. There’s a pause before she speaks. “I have cancer. Have had it off and on for about four years now.”
“What? Oh my gosh, I never knew.” I lean in closer, my eyes wide.
She nods. “I was in remission while we lived together. I hoped I would stay that way. But I have an aggressive form of brain cancer that’s returned. It’s called glioblastoma. The radiation I just had was sort of a last-ditch effort, but my body didn’t respond well to it, so . . .”
She doesn’t say anything else, and I suddenly understand why she left Ella with me—to go and get treatment in the hospital.
“They say I have one to three months left. I’ve been in the hospital because my health is so compromised from the treatments they gave me, but I checked myself out this morning.”
I reach for her hand and she clasps mine tightly, weaving her fingers between mine.
“They want to move me to hospice right way. I told them I’d come back, but I had to get things in order with Ella first.”
I nod, feeling numb.
Andi reaches into her oversized purse and pulls out a stack of paperwork. A check made out in my name is paper-clipped to the pages. It’s for $2,406.12.
She hands me a pen and pushes the stack of papers toward me. “I know it’s a lot to ask, but I know you’d take good care of her. I’ve seen how hard you work, the sacrifices you’ve made.”
“I don’t understand. What is all this?”
“Guardianship paperwork. I want to see if you’ll agree to become Ella’s legal guardian so she doesn’t end up a ward of the state.”
“You want me to adopt Ella?” I ask, my mouth suddenly dry.
My entire world is spinning out of control right now.
I don’t want to say no but at the same time I can barely even pay rent for myself let alone take care of a child.
I’m mad and confused and overwhelmed. She can’t be serious.
Only I’m pretty sure she is. Her expression is totally somber.
“Yes.”
“There has to be someone else. Your parents?”
Andi shakes her head. She’s an only child, like me, it was something we talked about having in common, but I realize I never heard her mention her parents.
“It’s just my mom. I never knew my father. My mom kicked me out when I was sixteen because I didn’t agree with her lifestyle.”
“Her lifestyle?” I ask, realizing I’m still gripping her hand. I release my hold, and she moves her hand away to stroke Ella’s hair again.
“Drinking. Drugs. A different boyfriend every week. I’ve been on my own since then. Finished high school, got a job. And then, well, you know.” She gestures to herself.
“Maybe she’s changed, gotten herself cleaned up since then,” I say, my voice shaky.
Andi shakes her head. “She hasn’t. She lives in Boca now in some trailer park.
I spoke to her on the phone recently. I won’t have Ella raised like that.
And I doubt my mom would take her. She never offered to help with any of my medical bills, never came up to take care of me when I was so sick from treatments all the other times. ”
That’s awful. My parents aren’t around either, and that’s hard enough, but to know that your mom is still alive and just doesn’t care—that’s almost even more heartbreaking. My chest actually aches right now.
“And Ella’s father?” I ask.
Andi looks down. “It was a one-night stand. I don’t even know the guy’s last name, to be honest.”
Wow. This situation has escalated from bad to worse. I look down at the sweet little face I’ve come to love these past couple of weeks, and I know what I have to do.
I reach for the pen and sign my name on every single page while tears roll down Andi’s cheeks, and my own eyes well up. There was never a choice not to keep her.
“Thank you so much. You have no idea what this means to me.”
I nod. “She’s a great baby. I’ll take good care of her.”
Andi sniffs and wipes her face. Then she takes the paperwork, folds it back into her bag, and hands me the check. “This is all the money I have to my name. Take it. There’s no way I’m giving it to the bill collectors.”
With numb fingers, I take the check, fold it in half and place it inside my purse. “Can I bring her by the hospital, maybe later this week on my day off?” It’s all I can even think of to ask right now.
Andi nods enthusiastically. “Yes, please. I’ll text you my room number when they move me.”
We sit there for another hour, enduring strange looks from the baristas, but it doesn’t matter. This is a mother and baby saying good-bye. In a way, it’s also me saying good-bye to Andi, as well.
It probably isn’t their final farewell, but it is Andi’s good-bye to all the hopes and dreams she had for this little girl.
She won’t be the one to braid Ella’s hair or drop her off for her first day of school.
She won’t be the one to kiss her scraped knees or talk to her about boys.
She won’t be the one to watch her get married someday.
But I will. And the emotion of that is hitting me hard.
My life. . . Andi’s life. . . baby Ella’s life.
. . all have been changed in an instant.
Now I understand why Andi did things the way she did.
If she’d come to me and asked me to become the guardian of her daughter, I would have said no way.
I knew nothing about babies, and would have said I wasn’t cut out for this at all.
But these past two weeks have shown me that maybe I can do this.
Alexei’s help has been amazing, but now knowing that I’m going to become a full-time parent, well, it changes everything.
I can’t rely on his generosity forever, especially not for the next eighteen years, and it wouldn’t be fair to him to expect that he would step into the role of dad just because we happened into his life.
I have no idea if we’re even compatible long term, and trying to date while I learn how to be a mom is probably a recipe for disaster.
It’s not like he introduced me as his girlfriend when I met his family. The truth is, I really don’t know where we stand, or what we are. It’s been fun, but I guess the fun’s over now.
I know what I have to do—for me and for Ella.
There’s no way I’m saying no and walking away from this little girl who needs me.
And I won’t saddle Alexei with my responsibilities.
It’s way too much to ask. He’s practically a celebrity.
He doesn’t want to be dating someone with so much on her plate, or taking care of a baby that isn’t his.
Yes, we’ve had great sex, and yes, it will be hard to say good-bye to him, but I know the right thing to do is to let him off the hook.
He didn’t ask for this. But I made a promise to Andi, and I will never regret signing my name on those papers.
After I finish here, I’ll drive over to Alexei’s and pack up my stuff before he gets home. And then I’ll pay the rest of the rent I owe with the money from Andi.
It’s time to go home and be a real adult. It’s time to become a single mom. It’s time to say good-bye to the man who has come to mean everything to me, the knight in football armor who rescued Ella and me, and become a real grown-up. Again.
I can do this.
I have to.