Chapter Sixteen
I hit send on the email and then gave a sigh of relief. My latest editing project had been a doozy and I was glad to be finished with it. I stretched my arms over my head, yawning loudly. My back hurt from being hunched over the computer for so long, and I rolled my shoulders, stretching out my neck from side to side.
My stomach growled, alerting me that I hadn’t eaten anything all day. It was already dinnertime, and I considered ordering a pizza, and then quickly decided against it. It would be faster to just heat up a frozen one and I also wouldn’t have to deal with getting it delivered.
I leaned against my counter in the kitchen as I waited for my pizza to cook. I couldn’t be bothered with using the oven, so I was just nuking it in the microwave. I surveyed my kitchen while I waited. Although it was clean and neat, it was looking outdated and a bit shabby. I imagined what it would look like with new cabinets and updated appliances. I knew I would never get it done. Never mind that it was way out of my budget. There was no way I could deal with people working inside my house. But still, it was nice to imagine what it would look like. My mom would have loved a kitchen with white cabinets and shiny stainless steel appliances.
My breath caught at the thought of her. It still hurt to think of my mother. Three years had passed, but it felt like yesterday that we were in the kitchen cooking dinner together. But I never thought about Keith. I had removed him so completely from my mind that it was like he never existed. I had gotten rid of all his belongings in the house until there was no trace of him left. He couldn’t exist in my mind because I could never forgive him for what he had done. And I could never forgive myself for what I had done to him. But if he never existed, nothing tragic had ever happened. My mom had just passed away peacefully, and not in a shock of horror and violence.
The beeping of the microwave broke me out of my thoughts. The crust of the pizza was soggy from being cooked in the microwave, but I didn’t care. I was eating to quiet the rumblings of my stomach, not for the taste.
I settled into the living room with my pizza in front of the TV. I ate while watching reruns of I Love Lucy . Syndicated tv shows had been a constant companion these past few years, whether it was in black and white or more current. There was comfort in watching a TV show and already knowing what happens. There were no surprises, and the characters stayed the course. I avoided any news channels. I had no desire to know about what was going on in the world. It was all terrible anyways. I didn’t want to hear about the violence going in on the world, and the people who were suffering. Economic crises and government scandals didn’t interest me. My world was confined to the walls of my house, and I was content with that.
The pizza lay heavy in the pit of my stomach, and I ended up eating less than half of the personal size pizza. Food was one of the few things I had left to enjoy, but even that was starting to lose its appeal. Lately, I just ate to silence the hunger pangs.
Besides working, eating, sleeping and watching TV, I spent a lot of my time knitting. I had picked it up soon after I started staying exclusively home, and it was a good way to burn through time. I often did it with the TV on in the background, and it was a peaceful hobby. I mostly knit dog sweaters and small blankets, and when I had amassed a large enough collection, one of the volunteers from the local animal shelter would come pick them up. It made me feel like I was doing something productive with my time instead of just being holed up in my house.
I felt too tired to knit now though. It was only eight o’clock but I badly wanted to go to sleep. But lately I had been sleeping more and more, and it was starting to concern me. Even though I never left the house, I tried to keep structure to my day and not just sleep, but lately sleep was all I ever wanted to do. It was easier to resist during the day when I had to work, but once work was over, it was so tempting to just fall into bed.
I told myself I needed to stay up until ten o’clock, and then I could go to bed. I had two hours to kill but I wasn’t in the mood to knit. I was mindlessly flipping through TV channels when my phone rang. I looked down at it and hesitated. It was Chloe, but I didn’t want to answer. I knew it would be a lot of questions about whether I had left the house, if I would consider getting therapy, if I was eating enough, etc. I knew it was out of concern, but I couldn’t deal with her nagging. While I loved her, I was glad that she lived in Florida, otherwise I knew she would probably be at my door all the time, trying to drag me out.
She had gotten married to her longtime boyfriend, Gareth, last year in Florida, and I had promised myself that I would make it. I couldn’t remember the last time I had left the house, but I couldn’t miss Chloe’s wedding. I had even bought the plane ticket and booked the hotel. But in the end, I couldn’t do it. The thought of going to the airport, getting on a plane with all those people, and then attending a wedding was too much. I couldn’t even step out of my house at this point, never mind travel. Too much was out of my control, and I couldn’t fight the feeling that something terrible would happen if I went.
So I chickened out. I thought Chloe would hate me and never speak to me again, but it was even worse than that. She was so profoundly sad. Sad that I couldn’t make her special day, but also so sad for me for the way I was living my life. What she didn’t understand was that this was the only way I could live my life. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be here. Sometimes I thought that would be for the best, but I still trudged on.
Chloe’s family didn’t live in Hyattsville anymore, but she still came up every now and then to visit me. As much as I loved her, I dreaded those visits. It was full of stress and pressure, although I knew she was just trying to help. A part of me wished she would just forget about me, and live her life. But it was also scary to think that there wouldn’t be a single person in the world who I mattered to. Chloe was the one person who still cared whether I lived or died.
I debated not answering her call, but she would just persist, so I picked up the phone.
“Hi, Chloe,” I said, trying to sound upbeat. “It’s good to hear from you.”
“Yeah, right.” I could just imagine Chloe rolling her eyes. “I know you were debating on whether or not to answer my call because you thought I would nag you.”
I laughed at her disgruntled tone. Chloe had the ability to bring out the human side of me. Lately, I just felt like a robot going through the motions.
“You know me too well,” I said, smiling. “You know I love you, but I could do without your badgering.”
Chloe sighed. “You know I’m just worried about you. You can’t be happy never leaving the house and having no human interaction.”
“I wouldn’t say I’m happy,” I said slowly. “But I’m content.”
That wasn’t true. I wasn’t content. I knew this was no way to live, but the truth was, I wasn’t sure I wanted to be living. I sometimes resented every breath I took, but the alternative to living wasn’t something I was willing to do.
Chloe scoffed. “Content with what? Being a shut-in and watching reruns of Friends and Seinfeld every day?”
“Don’t forget about I Love Lucy and The Brady Bunch, ” I joked. “I appreciate the classics.”
Chloe wasn’t amused. “I’m serious, Daphne. All you do is work and watch TV. And knit. I think it’s great that you donate so much of the stuff you make to the animal shelter, but maybe you could also volunteer at the shelter. It would get you out of the house.”
That was Chloe’s number one goal. Getting me out of the house. She didn’t understand that not leaving the house wasn’t a choice. Just the thought of leaving the safety of my house made my pulse quicken with fear. I couldn’t trust the outside world. It was too unpredictable and I was scared of what could happen.
“Let’s not talk about that anymore,” I groaned. I hoped switching the topic would work. “What’s going on with you? How’s Gareth?”
“We’re doing well,” she answered, taking the bait. “Gareth got promoted at work last month, but it means working a lot more hours. But he’s happy. As for me, I could do with him being home more, but he promises that it’ll get better after he’s been in the position for a few months.”
Gareth was in finance, and he was quickly moving up the ranks in his company, but I knew Chloe would rather have him home more and have less money. She was a real estate broker, so she made her own hours, and I knew she tried to maximize their time together, but Gareth seemed like a workaholic.
“I’m sure it’ll settle down after a while,” I said consolingly. “He must just feel like he has to prove himself in the beginning.”
Chloe sighed. “I guess.” She cleared her throat before continuing. “I ran into Jenny Patterson from high school the other day. She still talks to a lot of our old classmates, and seems to know all the gossip. She told me about what Jason is up to these days.” Chloe paused, and when she spoke again, she sounded hesitant, which was unlike her. “Do you want to know what she told me?”
I hadn’t heard from Jason since we broke up right before college graduation. It was like he disappeared from the face of the earth. His mom had tried to reach out to me a few times, but I couldn’t bear to hear anything about Jason so I ignored her. I heard his family had moved away from Hyattsville a few months after graduation, and I was relieved that I wouldn’t have to worry about running into them in town.
Then the unspeakable had happened, and I didn’t have to worry about running into anyone because I never left the house. I couldn’t help thinking about Jason now and then, wondering what he was doing with his life and if he ever thought of me. But I told myself I was glad he never contacted me, even when my mom passed away, because I didn’t want him to see how pathetic I had become.
“No,” I said resolutely, even though a part of me screamed yes. It would do me no good to hear about him, because it would just make me feel depressed and lonely. Not only because I missed him, but because I missed the person I used to be with him. Before I became too scared to live like a normal person. Before I committed an unforgivable act.
“Are you sure?” Chloe asked. “I think you might want to know, since it might affect you.”
“What do you mean, it might affect me?” Chloe was making me nervous with her enigmatic comment.
“He’s apparently coming back to Hyattsville. He doesn’t keep in contact with anyone from high school, but Jenny’s sister is friends with his younger brother, Eric. She heard from him that Jason has been in South America for the past three years working for Biotechnics Major. Apparently, he ended up accepting the job right after graduation and hasn’t been back in the States since.” Chloe paused before continuing. “He must have accepted the job offer after you guys broke up.”
That made sense. Jason had initially turned down the job from Biotechnics Major because he hadn’t wanted to be apart from me. Once I was gone from his life, why wouldn’t he accept the job offer?
“Why would he be coming back to Hyattsville?” I asked, feeling a fluttering of panic. The last thing I wanted was to see Jason. “His family doesn’t live here anymore.”
“His family never sold their house and was just renting it out. Their last renters moved out, and now they’re wanting to sell. I guess Jason is coming to get their house ready to put on the market, and taking care of getting it sold.”
I told myself not to panic. Jason was just coming into town to sell his family house. There was no reason I would see him. There was nothing between us, and we would pretend like the other didn’t exist, just like before. And it’s not like I would run into him in the supermarket or anything. I stayed within the walls of my house, where I was safe and wouldn’t have to worry about seeing him by chance.”
“Thanks for telling me,” I said, “but Jason coming back into town has nothing to do with me. There’s no chance that I’ll see him since I’m not planning on leaving the house.”
“You don’t think he’ll try to come to your house and see you?”
Just the thought of Jason coming to see me made my blood run cold. There was no way I could let him see what I had become. It was too horrible to even imagine.
“There’s no reason for him to,” I said firmly. “We left on terrible terms and I want nothing to do with him. I still don’t forgive him for cheating on me.”
I tried to muster up some anger in me for what he had done, but it was faltering. Jason cheating on me paled in comparison to what I had done. I tried to shake the thought out of my mind. The only way I could survive is to never think of what had happened. It was the only way I could bear to live in this house, where it had happened. I tried to remember only the good memories that were made in this house, of me and my mother. But that didn’t make me forget what I was capable of.
Chloe and I ended the call after a little more chatting, and then I was left to my own thoughts. Now that the gates had opened, it was hard not to think about Jason. In the beginning after my mother had died, I had desperately wanted him with me. I felt so alone and lost, and I nearly called him multiple times. But then I would think about what I had done. I didn’t think I could lie to Jason about what had happened with Keith, even though I had lied to everyone else, including Chloe. But I didn’t think I could bear to see him looking at me with horror for what I had done if I told him. So I had never reached out to him. Thank God I never had, now that I knew he had moved on with his life and gone to South America.
I spent the rest of the evening knitting and watching TV, telling myself that nothing had changed. Jason wasn’t a part of my life anymore, and never would be.