Chapter 21 #2
I snorted. “As if I would’ve let you. Never mind running, I’d probably have hopped on a plane to get away from that conversation.”
He offered me something that wasn’t quite a smile, not really, but it had the potential to become one. “Are you open to hearing a little more about my feelings now?”
I straightened up, nodding. “Try me.”
He paused for a second, like he was trying to gather his thoughts.
When he finally began speaking, his voice was slow and measured and almost thoughtful.
“I feel like I’m always performing. For the fangirls, sure, but also for my parents, to keep them from realizing how much their competitiveness gets to me.
I even do it for random people in the street who take one glance at me and immediately start spinning into daydreams of who they think I am.
Spending time with you, it was like I could finally be… just myself.”
“I noticed that,” I said softly.
“Then your cousin’s visit was coming up and I was feeling this pressure to…
well, to perform again.” The rest of his words came out in a tidal wave of emotion that would probably have drowned me a month or two before.
“And it brought me back to where I was last year. I told you that I started doing OnlyFans with my ex. I didn’t tell you that we were only posting on her profile, at first. It took me an embarrassingly long time to realize that she didn’t want to be with me anymore and was just using me for content.
And then I stayed anyway, because she was in a tough spot and she really did need the money.
Hence her accusing me of having a hero complex.
” Dash raked a hand through his hair. “The thing is, though, I mostly stayed because I wanted to be in a relationship so badly. Then the same thing happened with the older guy. Then you. I keep turning the past few weeks over and over again in my mind, and I can’t help feeling like I was trying to pressure you into something you weren’t ready for—or something you didn’t want in the first place… ”
My hand tightened on the swing’s chain as I blurted out, “Dash, my mom left me.”
He stilled, like someone trying not to scare off a skittish animal.
“My father, too. He left us, like, five minutes after I was born. He and my mom were all of eighteen when they had me. She did her best when I was little, but… well, there’s a lot of backstory there.
The point is that she grew up too fast, without any time to herself that wasn’t spent caring for someone else.
The moment I was old enough to fend for myself, she left. And she’s been gone ever since.”
He let my words settle into the air between us. “I did always wonder why you never talked about your parents. Why didn’t you tell me?”
I let out a breath before admitting, “It makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me that even my own parents couldn’t be bothered to stick around for me.
Like, why would anyone else? Then Milo left, too, and it felt like I didn’t just lose him.
I lost this image I was starting to get of myself, as a person who deserved someone who stayed. ”
“I’d have stayed for you, Mariel,” Dash said softly, and the past tense slayed me.
“I know.” I lifted my gaze to his. “I think that’s maybe what scared me so much.
Dash, my parents peaced out on me. Everyone I’ve dated has ended up ghosting.
I used to think that if they only got to know me, they’d stick around.
But then Milo”—I waved my hands—“happened, and it convinced me that everyone left me because they had gotten to know me. And I think that on some level, I would’ve always been waiting for it to happen with you.
And the longer you stayed, the worse it would hurt when you did finally leave.
So no—you didn’t pressure me into anything I didn’t already want and was too scared to reach for. ”
There was an entire book’s worth of unspoken thoughts behind his eyes when he met my gaze. “Are you still too scared?”
We’d come too far for me not to be honest with him. “I don’t know. Maybe I am. Maybe I always will be.”
A beat went by, then he nodded. “I think I can understand that.”
The heartbreaking thing was that he probably did. He understood all my limitations, accepted them even—but it didn’t mean that he was willing to continue wasting his time with me.
I sat in the knowledge of it for what felt like a full minute, just breathing in. I wasn’t going to see Dash in the fall, or surprise him with seasonal candles, or wrap my arms around him from behind as he stirred something warm and hearty at the stove.
I was going to have to unpick most of the strings we’d woven together, even though I was sure that most of them wouldn’t survive it. But I would. I’d be okay. Who knew, I might even thrive.
That was that, then.
I hopped off the swing to stand in front of him, as earnest and open as I knew how to be. “For what it’s worth, Dash, I’ve never felt as safe with anyone as I did with you.”
“That’s good to hear,” he said softly.
“You’re an amazing person. You deserve to be with someone who can give you everything you need. Who isn’t constantly holding back or thinking about how to use you to make themselves look better. And you know what? You’re going to find them. You’re going to get your happily ever after.”
Even if it wasn’t with me.
Something flickered in his eyes—a moment later, though, it was gone.
There weren’t any cinematic kisses or grand gestures, but as I walked out of Second Chance and turned toward home, I felt the deep sense of closure of one movie ending so that another one could begin.