4. Charli
CHARLI
Butterflies bounce in my belly as I hold my menu.
Why am I nervous to be here on a date with Tyler?
Maybe it’s because I bumped into Mr. Sunshine State at the bar.
I didn’t notice his hair earlier today. It’s long and blonde, and he had dreamy dark brown eyes.
He’s tall, tanned, and strong, and he smelled like the beach.
He looks like he just stepped off a surfboard, except for his light colored chino shorts and black t-shirt that showed off his muscles.
Focus- I am here on a date and I’m trying to patch things up with my not technically ex.
I study the menu to avoid conversation with Ty.
I don’t want to get into our discussion here in the restaurant, but I’m not sure if I want to stay at his place tonight.
Of course he looks good, as always; he’s dressed neat and clean in a white button-down and red shorts.
You can take the man out of the military, but you can’t take the military out of the man.
My first cocktail goes down smoothly and quickly.
Maybe Tyler is feeling the same way, his Dos Equis is gone too.
Maybe we both need some liquid courage. God that song, “Give Me One Margarita” keeps playing through my mind, and here I was committing to one drink- yeah right.
I better stop at three margaritas though.
Tyler reaches out, grabs my hand, and squeezes it gently. “I said do you want to get some nachos to start or just stick with chips, guac and salsa?”
I shake my head slightly and smile at him. “I think just the chips and sides would be nice. How about you?”
He nods his head and looks back at the menu. “Do you want to split anything? I can’t decide between the carne asada burritos or the pork tacos.”
“Mhmm . . . those both sound good to me. Maybe we should get a couple of different things and share.” I raise my eyebrows.
“Good idea. You can decide then.”
“Mm-k.” He’s trying, but why is he putting the mental choices on me? Fine, I’ll just get what I want to have then. And if he doesn't like it, too bad for him. He sets his menu down and leans back to look out the window.
Our waitress reappears to take our order. We both get another round of drinks, and I order the apps and dinners. She gathers our menus and heads to another table. Tyler reaches out, takes my hands in his, and strokes my palms with his thumbs.
We chit-chat about the upcoming weekend and he tells me about what’s been going on with his family. So many things are the same, hence the rut I’ve been in lately.
Our waitress brings our second round of drinks and our chips and sides.
I need some food to soak up all this tequila.
We both thank her and dig into the appetizer.
The night is going well so far, completely typical, we’re slipping into our old routines already.
Is it companionable silence or lack of things to talk about?
I chew my second chip and take another sip of margarita. Shit, this one is stronger. Am I imagining Ashley at the bar laughing about making strong drinks?
“So we came out tonight for a reason,” I state.
He finishes chewing and sips his beer. “We did.”
I look at him expectantly.
“I’ve missed you, babe. I always come back to you. You’re the one for me.”
“We haven’t been together since April. I’m tired of breaking up and making up.”
“I know.” He rubs his finger along his jaw.
“It, ah, was kind of a bumpy spring for us. Are things any better at work?” I ask as I sip my cocktail.
He takes a deep breath and sits up straight. “Yeah, I’ve applied for a promotion to be the Master of Operations for Seascape Ferry Authority since my boss is retiring at the end of the summer.”
My eyes pop open. “Oh, that’s great for you. It would be a lot more responsibility, right?” Maybe he can take a step back from his schedule.
“Yes, but Garret Humphry is also in the running. He’s been in the ferry system longer than I have, but he doesn't have any military experience. So we’ll see.”
“Well, I think you’re the better candidate.” I clear my throat, and ask tentatively, “Will you get more time off being the master?”
He pauses before he answers. “Technically yes, but not right away. I’m going to have to prove myself first before I get to take a break.”
“Is that official, or just what you will probably do?”
He reaches for my hand, giving it a squeeze. “My career and you are the top priorities in my life. So, I’ll work hard for the first year or so. I would love to have you by my side, supporting me.”
And there it is, work will be first before me again, just like when I waited around for him when he was in the Navy for six years.
How can I expect him to act differently after only weeks apart?
I can’t even count the number of times we’ve broken up and gotten back together.
Maybe it’s just me who is changing. “Tyler, you know I have always supported you. It’s what we do for each other. ”
“I know, babe, that’s one of the things I love about you. You’re so reliable.”
Reliable.
Tires are reliable and so are a good pair of shoes.
But I don’t know if I can do this anymore.
This changes things for us. He won’t take time off to travel this year or probably next year.
Me and my desires will always be second to his.
He’s become who he wanted to be with a career in the Navy and now head of the ferry boat system.
But what do I want? I’ve spent so long trying to be something to everyone else, I lost myself in the process.
I slug my drink back and set the glass on the table. Here goes nothing. “So, I thought we discussed taking a trip abroad at the end of the summer. Can we still do that if you get the promotion?”
He tucks his arms across his chest and sighs. “Probably not. And I know that's not what you want to hear, but there will be plenty of time to travel together.” He reaches out and rubs the side of my face and then tilts my chin toward him. “That doesn't mean you’re not a priority to me.”
I pull back, tired of being placated. “It doesn’t feel that way to me.” My voice quivers. Saying the words out loud is painful.
He sits up and rubs his hand over his face. “Char, this is an important opportunity for me, for us. I can’t get the promotion and then take a vacation right away with you. Don’t you see?”
“I do. I know it’s important to you. But my wants are always second to yours,” I say a little too loudly.
Other diners are turning to look at us now.
He reaches for me. “Babe, I want this promotion for us. You’ll see.
It’ll mean more money, maybe enough to rent out the duplex completely and buy a house, maybe move in together?
We can go somewhere next year when things are more settled.
” He tilts his head and lifts his eyebrows, the puppy dog look.
It used to make me melt and give in to him.
“I applied for the promotion last month. That’s part of the reason I wanted you to make a commitment to me. I want to take the next step together.”
My heart is crumbling, and I know this time is different. I sniff and tears form in my eyes. “I am happy that you’re going for your dreams. You deserve them. You work hard and you’re an amazing guy. But . . .” I scoot out from the booth and grab my bag. “I can’t do this now.”
I swing my purse over my shoulder and push past a waitress with a loaded tray. My vision is blurry with tears, as I stumble out onto the patio. Fuck. That was a strong drink. Damn Ashley.
Tyler follows me outside grabbing my arm.
“I don’t want to do this anymore.”
“This what?” he demands, anger lighting his face.
“This dinner was a mistake.” I turn and head towards the park. My heart’s racing and I’m in a cold sweat. This is it.
Tyler trails behind me still talking at me.
“Charli, we have a long history here. We can have a great life in Seascape together. We can have the life that you didn’t have growing up.
Remember all those times at my house, with my family.
You always said that was what you wanted.
” There’s pain behind his words because what he’s saying is true.
I turn into the park. I need to sit down. “I did . . . but what if I’m no good at that life, Tyler? I don’t know how to do that.”
“Just because your mom left, doesn't mean that you will too. You’ve stayed here all along. You’ve got your grandparents, your business. You’re not like her.”
“That’s exactly it. I’ve stayed here and I’ve been responsible.
I never went to do the things that I wanted to.
I made the safe choices.” I find a bench and plop myself down.
I wipe the back of my hand across my nose, which is now starting to drip along with the tears.
“But I want to travel like she did and see what else is out there. I hoped that you would want to go away with me.”
“I want you. I have always loved you. We have our whole lives to travel.” He joins me on the bench. “I don’t get this obsession with traveling.”
“Traveling is something people can enjoy at any age. I want to take a few trips before I have more responsibilities.” I grab a tissue from my bag and wipe my face.
I look into his eyes as a tear rolls down my cheek, my stomach in a knot.
This is so hard. “It’s more than going on vacation.
I’ve waited for years while you achieved all your goals, and now you want more time.
When will we both get to live life as a whole, as partners? ”
He reaches for my hand before he responds, “I thought we were working toward the same thing. I love you.”
“I’ll always love you too. Now you’ve got this promotion you’re thinking about. It's just a lot for me. I need to decide what I want too. You deserve more than that.”
He blinks at me as if he can’t believe what he’s hearing and lets my hand go. “What are you saying, then?” he demands, his voice tense.
I chew my lip. “I think we want different things. You know I’ve been seeing a counselor.”
“That’s it? You love me, but you're afraid to commit to me?” He stands and paces, running his hands through his hair. “This isn’t how I imagined things going. I thought that you’d be excited.”
“I’m happy for you. But I think that we’re falling into some old patterns. We met when we were so young. You were a little older and more self-assured. At that time I liked that, I needed that. We grew up together.”
“Do you still want me?”
“I have to do some things for myself and listen to what I want.”
He blows out an exasperated breath. “I don't want to do this dance with you forever. We’re in our thirties now, my friends are married and having kids. I want that too.”
The nervous knot in my belly disappears and it’s replaced with anger. I take a deep breath. “Are you sure you want that with me? Or is it just what you want? You just said I was reliable.”
He lets out a frustrated groan. “What are you talking about? Most women are happy to have a guy who wants a commitment.”
I snort and shake my head. Standing, I wobble a bit in my shoes. “How are we going to raise our kids?” I challenge him.
His brows go up. “Like everyone else does. We’ll do the things we did when we were kids and be with our families,” he answers flatly.
A pang of frustration hits my belly. He doesn’t get it. “No, I mean the everyday stuff? Who will do that for our future kids? I have my own business to run.”
“I don’t know, we can use daycare and my mom can help.” He shrugs.
I’m on a roll now. I fist my hands on my hips. “I can’t take a big maternity leave. And you work overnights sometimes on Jensen Island. Plus we both work like crazy all summer.”
“You’ll be a mom, you’ll figure it out,” he answers nonchalantly, folding his hands across his chest.
“Oh my God! It’s supposed to be us figuring it out. Are you just going to put a baby in me and go to work?”
People in the park are distancing themselves from us now, as we put on a spectacle.
“I never said that.” He glares at me, his mouth forming a flat line.
“I want kids someday, but not yet.”
He runs a hand through his hair leaving it sticking up.
“We don’t even hang out together. We have different hobbies. We go out to eat and I stay over.” I roll my eyes at him.
“We can go golfing together or watch a movie.”
“Ty, it’s more than that. We’re not on the same page. I want to travel, and moving in together isn't going to make our issues go away. I don’t want to resent staying here and be a shitty mom, like my mother was.”
He rubs his hand along his jaw and looks at me, the spark in his eyes gone. “Maybe you are like her.”
“Really?” I ask, narrowing my eyes at him. I’ve never felt such fury. That’s the last straw.
He ignores my question and asks his own. “So what are you telling me?”
I suck in a big breath. “We’ve grown apart and want different things. We both deserve to find happiness.”
“I think you’re making a mistake,” he says, reaching for me.
I pull away. “It has to be my mistake. We both know that we haven’t been able to make it work right for a while now.”
He blows out a breath. “You’ve always been my dream girl.”
“Not anymore.”