33. Charli
CHARLI
The next day on my break, I place a phone call I’m not used to making.
“Charli?” my dad answers right away. “How are you?”
“Hey, Dad,” I respond. “Not that good. Mom contacted me. Can we meet this afternoon?”
“Oh, I’m sorry.” Some paper rustles around in the background. “Yeah, I can change some things around and meet you at four. The usual place?”
“Okay, thanks, see you there.”
I sit at the diner in Northridge with an iced coffee waiting for Dad to arrive. The smell of fresh coffee and bacon hangs in the air. The A/C is blasting, yet my legs still stick to the blue vinyl cushion in the booth.
He gets there a few minutes late as per usual, his salt and pepper hair sticking up like he’s been running his hands through it.
He must’ve come right from work at the university, wearing a collared shirt and his trusty tan pants.
I get up and he gives me a side hug and a squeeze, his typical greeting.
I sigh and sink into the booth, my dad taking the seat opposite me.
The waitress appears quickly. “What can I get the two of you?”
“I’d like a piece of blueberry pie, please.”
“Sure thing, and for you, sir?”
“I’ll have an iced coffee and the blueberry pie too.”
“Be right back with that.” The waitress moves to the next table.
“So, your mom.”
I sniff a little and brush my hand under my eyes.
Then it all comes out like a floodgate. “She said she might be moving back here. I’ve finally gotten to a good place in my life.
Work is going well, Oliver and I are going to become partners, I met someone new and I’m really happy.
” I stare down at my drink, wishing we weren’t even having this conversation.
He reaches for my hand across the table. “You don’t have to see her or be a part of her life if she returns. You have your own life now, a wonderful life. She can try to disturb what you’ve made, but . . .”
“Dad,” I moan. “I fell apart over a text. What if she walks into my shop? She presses my buttons on purpose.”
“You have to detach from her.”
“I’ve tried.”
“Maybe it’ll work better this time.” He shrugs. “Now tell me about all of these new things happening in your life.”
The waitress returns with our desserts and his coffee. The distraction is good for me, and the pie is delicious as always. The berries burst with sweetness with each bite. The stress of my mom starts to melt away as I recount the events of my life as of late.
We push our plates away and lean back in our seats. “Charli, you’re making so many changes. Don’t let your mom detract from your accomplishments.”
“That’s easy for you to say. You won’t have to talk to her.”
He nods slowly. “That’s completely true.” Crumpling his napkin, he searches for the right thing to say. “We’re here for you too. If you’ll let us be.”
I take a deep breath, trying to will away the stress of my mom’s toxic behaviors. “I know that I can’t control her, but I can control myself.”
Mom enjoys saying things that she knows will irritate me. I should be able to let her judgments about my life, a life she knows nothing about, roll off my back. But deep down, I’m still that little girl who wants her approval and wants to be chosen, to be her priority.
My Dad gives me a slow smile. “Daphne and I want to bring the boys for a visit soon.”
I widen my eyes at him.
“Please. Look, you and I have come so far. I know she came on strong when you were younger, but she loves you too.”
I press my lips together so I won’t frown at him. “No, it’s fine. I’ll send you a date that I’m free. I’d like to see the kids and you can meet my . . .”
“Boyfriend?”
“Yeah.” I swirl the last of my iced coffee in the cup. “I’ll happily visit with Daph. Thanks for this today.”
I go home and log into my computer to meet with Angela. The screen fuzzes and my therapist comes into view.
“Hi, Angela.”
“Hello, Charli. What’s on your mind today?”
I focus on the plants behind her. “My mom contacted me and I had a bit of a meltdown. But I talked to my . . . my boyfriend about it and then I met up with my dad.”
“Go on.”
I recount Gage looking for me in the rain and the conversation I had with my dad. I heave a big sigh when I’m done and take a long sip of my water. My heart rate settles slowly as relief washes through me.
“It seems like you and your dad have continued to develop your relationship. Your mother affected both of you in the past.” Angela’s kind eyes watch me.
“I know when I was younger, it felt like it was only me and my brother who had it bad, but she wasn’t good to my dad either.”
“How do you feel about being in more contact with your mom?”
“I think I can be civil, but unless she makes some more changes, I don’t see us having a close relationship, not like what I have with my dad now.” As an adult, I can see that now, but at the time it was as if I was abandoned by both of my parents. “Remaining detached from her is my goal.”
Angela gives me a small smile. “How are things with your stepmother?”
“After my talk with my dad, I’m going to try a little harder with Daphne.
We’re both older and more mature. She’s always been nice to me.
I was the one who pushed her away. It was a hard hit when Dad got remarried.
It felt like he picked Daphne over me and my brother.
” My knee bounces under the table. I should workout after this.
“Excellent self-awareness. But why did you push her away?” Angela probes.
“I think I wished that I had a mom who paid attention to me, like she did with my brothers. And at first she was so obsessed with her mommy blog, everything seemed fake and staged.”
“Was it something else?”
“Jealousy,” I sigh. Something to think about.
Angela checks the time. My session isn’t over yet. “I’m very proud of this work that you’re doing, Charli. And are you still going to take your women’s trip?”
“I’m still considering it, but I haven’t booked it yet.”
“Why not?” Angela furrows her brow.
“Mostly my new boyfriend, work, the timing.” My nerves about going away.
“I see.” She pauses and I don’t say anything. “I thought travel was a problem with your ex?”
“Yeah, it was.” I chew my lip. “I could always take a trip after he leaves.”
“You could. Or?”
Inhaling deeply, I know what she’s going to say. “I should discuss it with him.”
“Exactly. Now what’s happening with your relationship?”
My face flushes with heat.
“I’m assuming the intimacy is good,” she chuckles.
I nod. “Yes, it's very good. We spend a lot of time together and he’s a good listener.”
“That’s good progress, dear. It feels secure to have a partner who’s emotionally available to you, doesn’t it?”
A partner. “Yeah it does.” I can’t hide my smile.
“Remember that communication is key. You can’t use intimacy as a replacement for talking about your feelings.” Angela glances at her notepad and jots something down.
“No, I know, it’s just awkward. He’s not supposed to be here long-term. And we haven’t actually talked about our status yet,” I say cringing as my admission.
“I see.” She nods. “Well, that makes it even more important to talk about your relationship. Do you know what you want?”
“I want to be with him, but I don’t want to be the only reason he stays here.” My heart pounds in my chest. Admitting to myself that I want to have something long term with him is important.
“That’s valid. Could you travel with him?”
I tap my chin in thought. “I don’t know, I have a business.” I take another drink, avoiding more thoughts on that topic.