49. Charli
CHARLI
I’m a ball of anxiety waiting to deplane in Boston. On one hand, I’m so excited to see Gage, but I know something’s up with him and he’s not saying what it is. Maybe it’ll be fine when I see him. I hope so.
I spot him at the arrival gate and once we lock eyes, my nerves disappear. A huge smile spreads across his face. Dropping my bag, I can’t help but jump into his arms like I haven’t seen him in months. I hang onto his neck and he hoists me up by my ass.
“Oh my God. Hi. I missed you,” I say into his neck. His smell, his arms, his everything. My heart aches with how I’ll feel when he leaves on his trip in a few weeks. That for sure makes the worries bubble up in my belly again.
He kisses my jawline to my mouth, pressing a kiss to my lips. “It’s so good to see you too,” he answers.
“I love you.”
“I love you too.”
“Do you want to stay around here or go home?” he asks.
“Let’s go.”
He gives me a squeeze and I know what he wants.
The drive back to Seascape seems like an eternity.
I think if we could have, we would have ripped each other's clothes off right in the middle of the airport and had each other on a plastic chair.
We grab something quick at a fast-food place near the airport and eat it in the Jeep.
I chirp nervously about my trip and have some verbal diarrhea.
It must sound like a play-by-play done by a fourth grader.
He pays attention while nodding along and asking me questions.
I doze off for a bit before we hit a pothole entering Seascape. The jolt wakes me up and it’s almost dark. The city lights are long gone, and we’re zipping down the local road that leads to the beaches. “Hey, we’re almost home now?”
“About ten more minutes.”
“How long was I asleep for?”
“Maybe an hour.”
I rub my eyes and stretch. I pat his thigh and he takes my hand, giving it a squeeze.
“You were probably tired. I hate flying. I haven't been on a plane in years.”
I chug some water. “Uh, right. This was my first set of flights.”
As Gage predicted, we’re parking minutes later, before we stumble into my apartment.
There’s flowers on the table and it looks like he tidied up here.
He sees what I need before I know it and just does it for me.
I don’t even have to ask. And he doesn’t expect any recognition for taking care of me.
Those little things show his love everyday.
My bags get dropped by the door and our clothes follow in the same: shoes, jackets, shirts, shorts, socks, underwear.
I know he’s going to pick it all up right away when we’re done.
We fall together into the bed, a tangle of bodies desperate for each other.
I can feel that he’s hard already, and there’s no doubt that I’m dripping.
Our mouths clash together and our hands are frantic. We’re still on top of the bed, the pillows scattered all over. He peppers my face and neck with wet kisses.
“I thought about you all day, every day . . .”
He rolls on top of me, pushing me into the soft mattress. I run my hands through his hair and bring his mouth back to mine.
“I missed your face, your smile, your arms, everything about you,” I whisper between kisses.
“I need to be in you. Are you ready?” He slips his hand between us, as desperate for me as I am for him. I buck forward with a sharp intake of breath. “You’re soaked. Did you miss me?” He laughs into a kiss.
“I did. Touch me.”
I can’t lose him. I squeeze my eyes shut, remembering everything in this moment.
His skin is warm and his muscles are taut.
Pieces of his hair skim over my face, as he moves over me, his chain hanging down, slipping between us.
My heart thuds in my chest so full of love and pain at the same time.
I need a life of moments with him. I want a life together, I want so much.
“Baby, look at me,” he rasps.
Lifting my eyelids, I lock onto his deep brown eyes, a hint of sadness pulling at the corners. It hurts too much. So I focus on his touch instead.
Reaching down, I stroke his length as I hitch my leg up higher. I’ve been craving the feel of his body on mine all week long. He groans and kisses my neck, his hands touching me just the way I like it.
“Yes, just like that.” I arch my back to get closer to him. He leans over me to spread kisses across my chest. His teeth graze over the hard peak of my nipple and I cry out, his fingers teasing me to desperation. I can’t wait anymore and pull him to my opening.
“Fuck. You feel so good.”
He lifts his hips and I widen my legs as he pushes into me with nothing between us.
My chest tightens, our eyes lock. This is love.
A tear rolls down the side of my face. It’s dark so he doesn’t notice.
I wrap my arms around his neck as his hair falls into my face. It smells like him, beachy and fresh.
It’s not slow, it’s urgent, so desperate for each other.
He increases his pace and I twist my ankles together around his waist, pulling us together.
The pressure is building. He senses what I need and reaches down between us, as I buck involuntarily.
We’re both panting and starting to sweat.
Then it happens: my orgasm starts to build, my muscles contracting from deep inside me down to my toes.
I cry out and he groans deeply, shuddering on top of me as he empties himself.
We must fall asleep because when I wake up it's still dark out. Gage isn’t in bed with me.
I’m disoriented. I know I have to work tomorrow.
I rub my eyes and my clock reads 1:25. What the hell time is it in Iceland now?
Almost 5:30 a.m. Christ, this day is going to suck majorly.
I go to the bathroom and find him on the couch looking at his phone.
I yawn and ask, “Are you coming back to bed?”
“Yeah, I couldn’t sleep and I didn’t want to wake you up.”
“Come on, lay down with me.”
He joins me and we head back to my room, cuddling up together, though I’m not sure how much we really sleep.
I’m afraid that I could be pregnant. I tried to enjoy Iceland as much as I could while I worried that he would think I’m trying to trap him here.
I want him to stay because he wants to, not because he has to out of obligation.
I want us to stay like this. I can see it all for us now.
If I am having his baby, we’ll face the unexpected together.
We can have a home, we can sail together and go to far away places.
We’ll fill up the pages in our passports and experience it all side by side.
* * *
Gage has been distant since I returned from my trip.
I knew it was a mistake. I should have waited to go.
Still we spend our days together and he’s in my bed every night.
My body always says yes to him even though my head is telling me to be careful.
But it feels like he’s pulling away. We tell each other that we love one another, but we haven’t said anymore about what will happen in a couple of weeks.
I have a sixth sense about it after my mom left us when I was younger.
I can pick up on his vibe. I try to push down the feelings, but I hope I don’t regret it.
It’s apparent that he’s not going to bring up his departure, so I guess I’ll have to say something.
Sam’s birthday hits during the week so Andi and I have a FaceTime call with her.
I skate over any talk about his upcoming trip with the girls and keep it light.
It’s Sam’s day after all. She was hoping to date Alec from the summer, but he ended up being a player who was stringing along several other women.
Instead, she’s going out for dinner with her parents and brother Brendan and his girlfriend.
The next night, we take a ride out to the beach trail in my Jeep, and this time we’re alone.
We lay out a blanket and make love in the sand while we watch the sunset.
We aren’t able to get fully naked because it’s too cold, but it’s special nonetheless.
After the sun goes down, we huddle together and eat the cookies and hot chocolate I brought for us.
It’s a clear night and Gage points out the constellations: Capricornus, Delphinus, Equuleus, Microscopium, Cygnus, and Vulpecula.
I break up a cookie and look over at him, swearing he can see into my soul.
In the dim light I can still make out the strong features in his face, the square jaw and straight nose and those long lashes dusting his cheeks.
But, he’s got walls up around his heart again.
He’s been so quiet all night, like he knows I’m going to lay something on him.
The carefree man who I met when I dropped my keys is gone.
It was all an act to keep people at a distance.
Gage is more like the sea, full of depth and hidden strength.
I turn to him, shift to my side, swallowing hard. “Look, baby, I know we talked about this, but you're supposed to be leaving soon. Is that still your plan? You’re going to leave for the winter?”
He freezes. Fucking hell. My heart’s cracking wide open. “Yes.”
My eyes widen and begin to water. I chew my lip. I ask sitting up to face him. “You said we were going to find a way to stay together because we love each other.”
He raises himself up on the blanket. “You waited around to do the things in life that you wanted to with your ex. I don’t want you waiting for me.”
“I won’t be waiting for you. We’ll be together but not in Seascape together. We can visit each other. Or you could stay here and live here with me.”
He shakes his head, sitting up and crossing his hands over his knees.
“I can’t charter here in the winter. Anyway, what kind of job would I do to earn enough?
The social media thing might work out, but it’s going to take time.
Plus, I won’t put you through that. You deserve more than that, than to wait alone while I’m traveling. ”
Big fat tears roll down my cheeks and I sniff.
I’m losing it now as my emotions bubble over.
“Don’t tell me what I deserve.” Great, now my nose is running, I wipe my hand across my nose.
“I told you I trusted you that night on Jensen Island and you said you wouldn’t hurt me. I don’t want to say goodbye.”
He runs a hand through his hair. “I don’t want to hurt you,” he says softly.
“Well, you are,” I sniff.
“We’ve had an amazing summer together. I love you so much that I want more for you than I can give you,” his voice cracks with emotion. “You have your shop and you’re successful. I don’t have anything for you.”
“I just want you,” I choke out.
“I’ve enjoyed every day and every moment with you, but it can all be taken away in an instant.”
He reaches for me and I pull away for the first time ever.
“Why do you think that you can decide that for me?” I challenge him.
“I’m trying to protect you.”
“I don’t need your protection. I need your love. I’m in love with you and that’s enough for me.”
The only sound I hear is the waves pounding on the sand and pulling back into the sea. The wind picks up and blows past us, flipping the edges of the blanket. He sits there motionless, his face pale and his expression blank.
“Gage,” I plead. “I’m thankful for what we have, for everyday.”
“Me too, baby.” He scoots closer wrapping me in his arms, his warmth seeping into me. “Will you really wait for me?” he rasps.
My heart explodes and I crawl into his lap, the wind cutting into us. I take his face into my hands, his stubble prickling my skin. “Of course. We’ll see each other again. I can come visit you in the winter. You could come up here, then we’ll be together again by April.”
“I might mess up,” he says with a watery confession.
I’m not confident in his response. The past few days have been tough. He needs to know I’m late. Then we can decide what to do together. But I need to know that we’re together, otherwise it doesn't matter.
“That’s okay. We can figure it out as we go.”