Chapter 3
ASHA
“Hello, adventurers!” I yell into the mic, picking up the slack for my co-leader, who is standing outside the bus looking like someone told him he has to work a Black Friday shift at Walmart.
I get a decent response, mostly thanks to my already drunk frat bros. So in the tradition of every human with a mic in front of a crowd, I ask for more energy. “Aww, come on. You can do better than that! Hello, adventurers!”
In the tradition of people wanting the person with the mic to shut up and move on, they give a much louder response the second time around.
“That’s better. I’m Asha, and I’ll be your…
well, one half of your tour guide team, for our epic trip together.
This is going to be a whirlwind, but a fun one!
I’ve passed out little booklets with our itinerary if you ever need a quick check for what city we’re in or a reminder of everything you did, when you’re back home later. ”
I wait in case anyone needs to tell me they didn’t get one. Or that they already lost theirs. It would be a record, but I’ve ceased being surprised at the human capacity to lose things, or oneself, on holiday.
Which is a good thing, because now I’m prepared for it.
“This is our driver for the trip, Laura. She’s the most important person because I can probably be replaced by an app, mostly, but Laura can’t. So let’s give her a hand.”
Clapping fills the enclosed space. They’re clapping because I told them to, but they don’t know how lucky they are to get Laura.
She is hands down the best driver, with the best sense of direction.
She has never gotten me lost. Or not so lost that I noticed.
I can’t say the same for the other drivers with this company.
And she always finds the best parking spots.
We need every advantage we can get so my already minuscule paycheck doesn’t get even smaller.
“And here’s my co-leader, Callum. This growly Irish lad is overflowing with facts and history to tell you, complete with authentic Irish accent.” I try my own Irish accent at the last few words and get a light growl in response. Just out of the corner of his mouth.
Because he’s a professional.
To the group, who is siding with Callum with their teasing boos, I say, “Come on, my accent isn’t even that bad. I’ve lived in Europe for five years!” I wait for the boos to subside.
“To give you a heads up on what’s happening now, we’re going to do a walking tour of the city. We’re hitting the ground running so I hope jet lag hasn’t defeated anyone already?”
I get some grumbles.
“Okay, okay. I know you all came from the States, so if you want a rest, Laura can drop you off at the hotel. But I do recommend getting through this first day awake and going to sleep tonight at a normal bedtime. That’s the quickest way to get over jet lag.
I speak from personal experience. One time—”
“Does anyone want to go to the hotel?” Callum isn’t afraid to interrupt me. Well. That’s good to know. “Raise your hand if you do.”
No one does. To be entirely fair, I wouldn’t either with Callum glaring at me.
“That’s great because Edinburgh is my favorite city on this tour. Not to be biased because it’s also my current home, but you’re all in for a treat. A treat that can be enjoyed even jet-lagged.”
“But the bus won’t be waiting if you make the wrong decision. You’ll have to get yourselves back if you quit the tour.” Callum crosses his arms across his massive chest.
“But I do know the best nap spots all over Europe, if you don’t mind a bit of a public sleep.”
“Don’t sleep in public. This is not a fairytale, and you are not Sleeping Beauty.”
“Agree to disagree. This city is the closest you can get to a Western fairytale, hands down. But let’s not sit here and argue about this like we’re in some sort of high school debate team, let’s let the group decide for themselves after their tour.”
I smile at the group, choosing to focus on the positive over the negative next to me.
The negative, who launches into the background for Edinburgh. “There’s been evidence of habitation in this area since around 8500 BCE by the—”
“Right. There’s Celts, Romans, Northumberlands, and then the city became part of Scotland, when things get really interesting.”
“Did you just condense ten thousand years of history into one sentence?”
“Yes. Then the English controlled the area off and on, but that’s England for you, am I right?” I look at Callum, sure he can’t find fault with that statement. He’s Irish, for crying out loud. But he doesn’t even thank me for my consideration.
“During the mid-sixteenth century Scottish Reformation, the country split from the Vatican and adapted Protestantism,” Callum says instead of acknowledging me.
“And that is actually interesting, so good job, Callum. The split led to hostility toward Mary, Queen of Scots because she was Catholic and because of her ties to the English crown. Y’all know her, right?
” I pause for some nods. “Great. For some background, her husband may have been involved in the murder of her secretary and possible lover, and he was then murdered, perhaps by Mary’s next husband.
And then to make a bad few years worse, there was an uprising and she was imprisoned here, and in a castle nearby.
Which she later escaped from. Only to be imprisoned by Queen Elizabeth because she feared Mary’s claim to her throne.
And then Lizzie, taking a page out of her dad’s book, beheaded Mary. ”
“Unnecessarily salacious. But not untrue.” The man sounds so begrudging that I’m right that I almost stoop to rolling my eyes at him. But then I would let him pull me into his vortex of negativity so instead I give him a gracious nod.
“Then James VI of Scotland succeeded to the throne and united Scotland and England. But it wasn’t smooth sailing, with more religious strife, as well as an occupation from Oliver Cromwell,” Callum says.
I sing some lyrics to the Oliver Cromwell song by Monty Python, notably the ones detailing his birth (1599) and death (1658).
I get some laughs, but more blank looks.
Clearly, those people didn’t have a dad who grew up in London, who brought his love for classic English humor to America and started a family there.
It’s me; I’m talking about my dad. Thanks, Dad.
And also thanks for the dual citizenship. That really made moving here easier.
“Of course those are the only dates you’d know.”
I stick my tongue out at him as I weaken and get negative, then pick up the narrative.
“Edinburgh was enclosed in walls in the sixteenth century—partly because of a British invasion. And due to the lack of expansion room that created, Scots started to build upward since they could not build outward. Eleven, up to fifteen stories even, like modern skyscrapers. It was known all across Europe as a crowded, dense city.”
“A result of that was that the classes mixed more in this city than anywhere else. Maybe leading to some of the Scottish Enlightenment ideas.”
“Exactly! But eventually the rich people got tired of living so close to other people, and they started to expand outside the walls into the New Town, with its fancy single family homes, done in Neo-Classical and Georgian architecture. And I think that’s a good introduction to the city, so sit tight and we’ll begin the walking tour soon. ”
I sit down in the front row of the bus while I turn off the mic. I’m expecting a few minutes of silence to prepare for the first tour with this group, so I’m surprised when Callum plants himself in the seat next to me.
“That went well, I think,” I say, trying to extend an olive branch to my partner and competition.
“It was not as bad as expected.”
“Sorry, are you trying to say that I’m not as bad as you thought I’d be? Because I think I’m offended.”
He grunts. “It must not be that bad if you only think you’re offended.” His sardonic eyebrow raises.
That eyebrow is as dangerous as his accent because it’s distracting me completely from what we’re talking about. “Oh, I was only being polite. I am indeed offended.”
“Ah. Well. That’s different, then.”
But an apology is still not forthcoming. “Is there something you wanted to say, maybe? About my offense?”
“No. I’m good.”
“Grand.” I mimic his lilting accent, not knowing how else to respond to that blatant disregard for my feelings.
“We’re here,” Laura yells over the sounds of traffic, the coach itself, and the group’s chatter.
“Cheers, Laura,” I say as I gently shove at Callum until he gets up, too. “Okay, everyone. We’re at our first walking tour, and I hope you’re as excited as I am. As this is Scotland and the weather can turn in a second, I would suggest bringing a jacket and/or umbrella with you.”
“I doubt anyone is as excited about anything as you are,” Callum mumbles under his breath. But not so under his breath that he didn’t want me to hear.
I ignore him, smile firmly in place. He can’t take away from Edinburgh’s magic. Well, he probably could if he tried, but he would have to commit some seriously grisly crimes in front of me before I would ever take it out on the city.
Immediately after the bus leaves around the corner, and most importantly, with half of the jackets that are left behind, the weather does indeed take a turn. From cool and sunny with a few fluffy clouds to a gentle rain that is outright cold. And the grumbles start.
“It’s very cold for the summer,” Jennifer says.
“Did I just feel a raindrop?” Maria asks.
“Yes. Yes to both of you. Edinburgh wants to give you the full United Kingdom experience, which is rain.”
“She did say to bring a jacket. This is why,” Callum says.
I stomp out the bit of endorphins that pop up at Callum’s defense. I did tell everyone to bring a jacket, and just like mothers across the world and for all time, I was ignored by the eager children. But it is nice to have someone on my side for once, even if he is scolding our paying customers.
But ultimately, the group’s concerns have to be addressed, even if their problem is of their own making.
“Let’s get walking, and that should warm people up some.
And I will point out some shops we can stop at that have reasonably priced jackets and rain gear.
Fun fact, every piece of cold and rain appropriate clothing I have is because I was caught outside in more weather than I was prepared for.
It’s the Southern Californian in me; we don’t understand climate as it almost never applies to us.
Now, let’s head to St. Giles first, just down the Royal Mile. ” I smile as I start the slow walk.
“Already pointing out the shops, are we? And on our first tour?” Callum mumbles.
“If they’re tired, cold, and miserable, or heaven forbid they get sick, it’ll be terrible reviews for us. So, they need some jackets,” I whisper in response.
“Fair play. But they should have brought them like you told them to.”
I shrug. “The sky was blue and they didn’t want to carry more than they had to. They just got to Scotland; they’ll figure it out.”
“I don’t know how you can smile when they cause problems for us.”
“Because it’s our job.”
“That’s where we disagree. I’m here to teach them something.”
“We’re here to teach them and take care of them for the next twenty days.”
He scowls and I laugh at him.
Grumpy sod. He should really find another line of work.