Chapter 43
ASHA
The break is exactly what I need. I’m still a little nauseous at waiting for what’s going to happen, and my hands are shaking when I accomplish the task of opening my door, rolling my suitcase in, and opening the window to let some fresh air into the stale space.
I take a second to breathe in that stale air that isn’t great but is better than fainting from a distinct lack of breathing, a task I should be good at since I’ve been doing it for my entire life.
But then I remember how bad it would be if Rob gets back before I do. I shouldn’t even have left in the first place: he’s the boss and therefore allowed to be inconsiderate with my time.
I just couldn’t stay in the same room with Callum with things so unsettled between us.
He would be able to read my nervousness in the way my heart would try to pound through my chest, and my shaking fingers and tapping feet.
And then I would refuse to look at him, and then look at him too much.
And all this with him not even wanting to commit to pursuing something until after we know more.
That was a blow, because I want him no matter what, but he needs to see before he decides.
I take another deep breath, and then lock up my apartment again. I walk fast through the busy Edinburgh streets, worrying about every terrible way this conversation could go the entire trip.
Every bad scenario runs through my head, and I’m mad at myself that most of them involve Callum saying we’re over before we even start.
I’m even more concerned about those than the ones that end with me jobless.
And that is not a great independent woman attitude to have.
So now I’m disappointed in myself, and mad at Rob/the universe, and still nervous.
Great.
I enter the offices again, and Vihana perks up. “Hey, love. Rob just got back—they’re both in his office. Go on through.”
“Thanks.” This is the last opportunity to run, but curiosity and my upcoming credit card bills compel me to walk past the front desk.
I take another moment outside Rob’s office and his slightly open door to gather myself so I look as unaffected as I can, when I hear what they’re saying.
“And the way she’s pushing these specialty tours when she can barely give her tours, it’s ludicrous.”
“It’s an optimistic idea.”
I flinch. I know the business idea might not be for everyone, but the pet rock was a business idea and that somehow took off for a while, so I think it’s fair to say that no one can guess what is going to be successful and the business world is pure chaos.
But to hear Callum agree isn’t the best. Because I know when he says optimistic, he means naive. Hazard of being fluent in Callum.
“Don’t worry about yourself. The reviews so far show you two about even, but then there are the negative reviews from the parents who weren’t happy when you two were sitting down instead of looking for their children.
But I know that was all Asha with her love of fun when she should have been working. ”
Callum is silent for too long and I don’t give him any longer to think of a response to that.
I don’t like confrontation, but this is ridiculous.
And if traveling with Callum these past weeks has taught me anything, it’s that I won’t break if I stand up to someone.
Clients, employers, Callum; I deserve to have my say.
“Well, my ears weren’t burning, so that old wives’ tale must be bullshit.” I march into the room with all the enthusiasm of kid-Asha walking into calculus class every day. “My idea is not bad, but that’s not really the point right now.”
Both men jump up from their seats, looking as guilty as children caught with their hands firmly in the cookie jar. And it’s right before dinner to boot, a dinner I spent all day cooking.
“Rob, let’s not beat around the bush. What did the reviews say?”
Rob clears his throat, not so confident now that I’m in the room. “Asha, so good to—”
“What did the reviews say?” If I have to listen to more bullshit from him, I will scream. I just want the relevant information.
Rob picks up some papers. “Asha, they liked your enthusiasm and the way you took care of them, and how you made everything fun even when they weren’t feeling their best. Callum, they thought you were very knowledgeable in history and appreciated that you had lists of things they could do.
They felt that both of your tours were entertaining and full of information.
Then there was the incident with the kids, but even those parents didn’t give that bad of a review, considering. ”
That sounds like things we already knew. “So who scored the least, or who did they recommend you fire?”
“Well, actually. The consensus is that they didn’t want to decide, and they thought you both made excellent guides, especially when you work together. They recommended that we do partner tours, although we could never afford that.”
“Asha is a great guide. This isn’t necessary, I—” Callum says.
“Then who are you firing?” I don’t let Callum finish. I have things to say.
I would quit right now, which would be emotionally satisfying, but I don’t know how that would affect eligibility for unemployment in the UK. Because it would in the US, and I’m not taking that risk. If he wants to fire me, he can do that, and I can have a safety net for when I’m looking for a job.
Pride is great, but I also like food. And shelter. And novelty purses.
“It’s a complicated—”
“I think it’s not. I think you’ve made up your mind who to fire before this tour left Edinburgh. And that’s fine. A few more weeks of pay certainly won’t hurt me. But I’m not going to sit here while you drag this out or talk behind my back. So let’s go.” I cross my arms and attempt to look stern.
Talking like that to the boss can’t be the smartest move, but I doubt it matters. He’s never been my biggest fan. Really, I should have known it was going to be me before now. I would have if I wasn’t so distracted by Callum.
I studiously avoid looking at Callum, not able to handle the personal on top of the professional right now. Or having to deal with his disregard for me, when I thought we were moving to a place where we could respect and appreciate each other’s differences.
Apparently not. I’m always going to be naive, silly, avoiding confrontation, walk-all-over-her Asha.
“We’re letting you go, Asha.”
“Thought so. Do you need me to sign anything?”
“Yes, you can sign this.” Rob turns a paper around so I can read it. “And here’s your last check.”
That all takes time to get together. As in he had to start this entire process before I left, or at least partway through the tour. Switzerland, at the latest. I never stood a chance.
I’m not even sad. The rage pulsing through me is pushing anything else out of the way. Which is fine, because I would rather deal with rage right now than sadness. A rather useless emotion.
“Great.” I sign the one-page paper letting me know about the termination and take the copy, along with my last check. “Have a nice life.”
I push back out of the room without looking at Callum and fly down the stairs, bursting into the cool Scottish afternoon.
“Wait, Asha,” Callum yells from behind me.
I walk faster instead.
“Please, Asha.”
The please almost breaks me, but I stay strong and keep my strides long, wanting to avoid a confrontation one last time.
Which is less helpful when Callum’s strides are even longer than mine.
He catches up before I make it to the intersection, and then surpasses me, turning and walking backward when I refuse to stop.
“Can I please talk to you?”
“Congratulations on your continued employment.”
“Fuck the bloody job.”
“Easy to say when you still have one.”
“And why are you mad at me? I didn’t fire you.”
“Because I heard you agreeing with Rob about what a terrible idea my tours are. You still think I’m a whimsical mess who can’t focus on boring, important things like spreadsheets, like the yous and the Robs of this world.”
“Don’t lump us together.” I glare at him. “I don’t think you’re a mess. I don’t always understand your methods, but I don’t doubt your results.”
“That’s not what you said to Rob.”
“That? Oh for—I would have agreed with him if he said the sky was green, just to get him to shut up.”
“Thanks. Well, the sky might not have feelings, but I do. And I don’t appreciate you belittling me, or silently agreeing when others belittle me, because I chose to see the best in the world.”
“Oh, right. And how’s that working out for you?” Callum spreads his arms wide, probably to encompass my recent unemployment status.
“I’m aware bad things happen. That still doesn’t change the fact that I am allowed to have a fucking optimistic outlook on things. And that is not a weakness.”
He deflates like a sad balloon after a children’s birthday party. “No, you’re right. It’s not. You see the good and I’m not even convinced it exists. But it shows how different we are. A difference we’ll never get over.”
I shake my head like I’m trying to get water out of my ears, because I can’t have heard him right.
That’s an abrupt change. I’m fired and a little mad at him because of what he said, but it’s not something that I couldn’t get past. I would yell a lot, he’d apologize.
We’d have make-up sex after he groveled enough.
But he’s just going to run away without a fight? Taking the easy way out to not try, when we’ve been working for the past few weeks?
Sure, weeks aren’t forever, but that’s why we should keep seeing each other. To see if the differences really would matter in the long run. He can’t decide that because of one little fight.
I want to try. I want to be strong enough to fight for something I love for once, despite the risk of failure and disappointment. And he’s giving up because I got a little mad?
Suddenly, my unemployment isn’t the only thing occupying my mind.
“I don’t understand what’s happening. We agreed to talk about us after the meeting. Can we go somewhere and do that? You can come to mine or I can go to yours if you want? Or we could find a coffee shop,” I say.
He shakes his head. “I don’t think it would matter. We’re different and we’re never going to be compatible.”
“But I never said that!” I’m not even mad that he didn’t defend me anymore. I’m confused and more worried that he wants to throw away what we had without trying.
And even though I don’t want to admit it, I get it.
I hate seeing the look of disappointment on anyone’s face.
I can acknowledge that I’m a people pleaser.
And seeing that look on someone’s face who I love would be even worse.
But the potential benefit for a successful relationship outweighs the fear, outweighs the potential for sadness.
At least for me. But I guess not for Callum. He gets scared when things don’t work out immediately and runs away. Just like with teaching.
I don’t know how to make him realize that I’m worth it. We’ve traveled together, and every one week of traveling is at least six months of casual dating. I’ve never lied about who I was. And if he doesn’t like me enough to try at this point, he’s probably right to walk away.
“I guess you’re right. I’m naive to see the best of the world. A world that will only disappoint me, just like you did. I guess I can’t live in the sunshine forever; darker skies will always come. I should know that, I’ve lived in Scotland for long enough.”
Callum turns abruptly, but not before I see him flinch. Good. If he’s making me cry, he should feel something, too.
I don’t care. I’m not going to keep looking for rainbows where there are none.