Chapter Seven #3
There was. The wide circle of people around him allowed him to continue in the illusion that he had a place to belong, that there were caring individuals in his life. The reality was he moved them along before they had the chance to get too close and figure out the truth.
“I want to believe you,” she said. “I want to believe that you’re one of the good guys, but I’ve spent my life being around men who were decent on the surface and lousy underneath. I don’t want to make that mistake again.”
She stared up at him with a damned earnest expression on her face. God, she was so beautiful with her big eyes and tempting mouth. He wanted to kiss her right there in front of everyone. But he didn’t. If he ever kissed Heather, he wanted it to be in private. Not like this.
Instead he touched her cheek. “I’m not one of the good guys or bad guys. I’m just a man. I have things I like about myself and things I want to change.”
“You make it sound so simple.”
Her skin was like silk against his fingers and he wanted to discover every curve.
But this wasn’t the time. He lowered his hand to his side, then shoved it into his jeans pocket.
“It is simple,” he told her. “I know you’ve had some bad experiences, but there are more men in the world than those three. ”
She didn’t look convinced. “Can you give me a list of names and phone numbers? I want to meet these regular guys myself. Not that I don’t trust your judgment.”
“But you don’t,” he said.
“Not really.” She smiled. “Actually, I do trust you, but your criteria for a good man are probably different from mine. Men get weird when women are involved. Not to mention sex.”
They were alone in a crowded room. Jim had heard that phrase before, but he’d never experienced it until this moment. Despite the conversation and music flowing around them, he could only see Heather.
Her gaze held his and he wanted to believe he saw desire there—a flame that matched his own.
But he wasn’t sure. Besides, they’d agreed to keep it simple.
She was bright and funny and pretty and he was terrified she was going to find out the truth about him.
He could understand why he wanted her—what man wouldn’t? —but what would she see in him?
“I still can’t decide about you,” she said. “If you are a real, live hero, I might have to rethink my opinion of men. Although I’m not thrilled with being someone’s charity case.”
“You were never that.” He touched her arm, trying to ignore the warmth of her and the softness of her skin and the feel of her blouse against his fingers. “I admire your spirit. You’re strong and brave and devoted to your daughter. You’ve also done a great job at planning your life.”
She grinned. “Gee, don’t you think a decent grizzly bear mom would have all those same characteristics?
Well, not the planning part, but the rest of it.
Of course I’m devoted. I love Diane with my whole heart and I’m lucky to have my mother as a role model on how to be a single parent.
I’m not so sure about brave. Maybe stubborn would be a better description. ”
“Whatever works,” he said.
She nodded her agreement. “As for planning my life, I’ll have to disagree with you on that.
If I’d planned better, I probably wouldn’t have gotten involved with those three men in my life.
Except if I hadn’t met Luke, I wouldn’t have Diane.
In my opinion, it was worth it to deal with him because I got her.
” She nibbled on her cake. “It’s one of those time-and-space paradoxes that can’t be explained. ”
“I was referring to the plans you made since finding out you were pregnant. You’ve worked with a potentially difficult situation and made the best of it.”
“Thanks.” Her smile made her eyes crinkle at the corners. “I’ve learned from the best.”
“I admire you.” He said the words without thinking, then figured she wouldn’t understand what he really meant, so it was safe.
Her grin broadened. “Okay. I’ll be your hero if you’ll be mine.”
“I’m not hero material. Wish I were.”
“Sorry, Jim, but you’re outvoted. And if you don’t believe me, I’d be happy to take an informal poll in this very room.”
She motioned to the party in progress around them, and he didn’t have any choice but to agree with her and let it go.
No one here knew the truth except maybe Flo, who might have guessed it.
So he changed the subject and they ended up talking about work.
Then Harry and Flo joined them, and his few moments alone with Heather were gone.
He watched her as she talked with different people, watched the way the fading sunlight played on her hair and how she would excuse herself to check on Diane who was sleeping in a quiet alcove in the hangar.
He thought about how much he’d grown to want her, how the wanting was painful at times, and yet he wouldn’t change it for the world.
When he wanted Heather, he felt that he was still alive, that he was connecting with another human being.
With her around, he could pretend the world wasn’t so very empty.
He could want her and even need her, but he had to stop short of caring for her. He alone knew the price of that and it was one place he was never going to go to again.