第31章
WHAT KIND OF MAN
I didn’t forget about him.
I never forgot about Lex. Not once in eight fucking years.
It’s difficult for me to understand him. He was what…jealous?
I replay our last moments together in Chicago. I was flirting with him, subtly like he wanted, and then I saw the poster and dragged Michael…
It’s a slow realization as I watch the mental movie in my head.
We were close. Snug. Comfortable. The things Lex wanted from me but didn’t want to see the light of day.
After literally being fucked raw by my best friend, I can’t find it in me to admit that it meant nothing.
Michael holding me like that, even casually, meant something.
That still doesn’t change how I feel about Lex.
I’m fucking heartbroken over the little asshole, and it tears me up inside.
He plunged those soft, painted fingers directly into my chest and ripped out the meaty organ.
Reliving it all now, I circle back to our earlier conversations, feeling lost and raw.
My heartbreak is tangled with memories, making my pain sharper.
“I’m always with couples. I’m not sure why or how, but it ends up that way.
I think it’s because I’ve never had a legitimate boyfriend ever.
I like seeing people in love, and I like being included.
” A tiny shrug. “It’s pathetic, I know. But it’s really all I’ve allowed for myself. To be a toy and then…”
I’m moving before I can stop myself. I slide open the barrier separating us and find Lex silently crying on the edge of the bed. He looks up at me, eyes red-rimmed and pouty lips parted. I close the door from this side and squeeze my body into the space before dropping to kneel before him.
What the hell does it say about me that I’m willing to bend so easily after everything he’s done to royally fuck me up?
But I still feel the way I did in Chicago—in that hotel. I don’t want to fight with him anymore. He gave me a taste of what it could be like, and now I’m addicted to it. Can’t keep going without it.
I miss him.
“Lex,” I start, cupping his small fists. “You have to know I’m crazy about you.”
“I don’t know that,” he whispers weakly. “It’s fine, though. I get it. We were…stuck in a hotel. Horny. Angry. Shit happens. It doesn’t mean anything.”
“Did you not hear me?” I can’t help but raise my voice. Thankfully, the TV is still on towards the front of the bus, and there’s enough chatter to drown me out. “I’m crazy about you. It didn’t mean nothing for me.”
“I’m not blind,” he tells me, a hard edge to his voice. “You are in love with Michael.”
The fact that I can’t deny it twists my insides. Flashes of the night before last make me flinch. Michael was a god damned animal, but I wanted it. I didn’t care how, just that I had him.
“I’ve been a third wheel my whole adult life, Devon,” he says softly. “I don’t want to be the thing you throw away after the fun is over anymore. And I don’t want to be second best or acceptable enough.”
“Things with Michael are…complicated,” I say carefully. “He’s not into me like that.” Sure, he’s not. Nothing like stuffing your cock in a man’s ass to firmly prove you don’t like men.
“But you are,” he blurts.
Fuck it. There’s no point in lying to him. “I am,” I admit.
He deflates, starts tugging his hands away. “Exactly.” Fresh tears well in his eyes.
I drop my forehead and rest it on his knees while cradling his calves and wondering how the hell I’m supposed to fix this.
I’ve always wanted Michael. That much is true.
But I’ve wanted Lex longer. And unlike Michael, Lex seems to want me back.
I just don’t know how to reassure him that my feelings for my best friend don’t overshadow my feelings for him.
This kind of shit isn’t exactly common practice. “Is it so bad that I want you both?” I whisper into his knees.
Lex doesn’t answer, so I peek up at him.
“Why do you want me, though? Is it because of…what we did?”
I shake my head. “No. I’ve always wanted you.
I just…didn’t want to admit it. It was easier to fight with you than forgive you.
” I pause and really dive deep to make sure I say this right.
“You’re pure fire. You burn everything you touch and leave a scar.
A brand. I’ve worn it for eight years, sweetheart.
It’s been a constant reminder that you are unforgettable.
No one is blind to your presence because you can’t be ignored.
And to be the center of your attention feels like a gift.
Because I know you care. You care so fucking much about everyone, and no one does that for you. ”
Tears are flowing down his cheeks. “That all sounds bad.”
“It’s not.” I rise up so I can cup his face. “I promise you it’s not. I’d gladly be burned alive by you than stay cold forever. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry you felt second best. You aren’t. You’ve always been exactly what I want.”
His chin quivers in my hold, those amber eyes still unsure.
“But will I be enough?” he asks carefully. “I don’t know that I want to share you.”
I’m basically asking him to do that. To be okay with my unrequited feelings for Michael and still let me into his bed…
and heart. It’s fucked up. After being treated as a disposable third for his entire sexual experience, it’s only fair that he wants more.
But can I reasonably do that? Can I let Michael go? Especially now?
“How I feel…isn’t linear,” I manage. “The way I feel about him isn’t the same as I do about you. It’s…different. But equally as important, if that makes sense. Just because I want him doesn’t mean I don’t want you. Because I do. Like I said, I’m crazy about you, Lex.”
“What if he never wants you that way. Will you pine for him forever? That’s not healthy, Devon.”
“I know,” I whisper, dropping my hands. “But it’s how I am.”
“Has he ever said otherwise? Shown any interest at all?”
My heart races. Fucking gallops. Flashes of Michael’s scorching kiss, his rough hands, and his thick cock. “No,” I lie through my teeth.
Because even I’m not sure what the fuck that was…only that it was something. I’m not going to put words in his mouth even if he’s clearly not all that fucking straight. “No,” I say, firmer. “But he’s still my best friend, my bandmate, my family.”
Lex scrubs a hand down his face, expression pinched. “I…I need to think, Devon. I can’t…I need to think.”
“Okay,” I tell him gently. “Just don’t ignore me, yeah?
I’m not going anywhere.” Hope swells in my chest when he gives me a nod.
Taking a huge risk, I lean forward and press a soft kiss to his cheek.
His blush is instant. It feels good knowing I can still get a reaction from him like this. “Goodnight, princess.”
Sound check has been rough.
While Lex has made an effort to speak directly to everyone, including me, Michael hasn’t so much as looked in my direction.
I need to get him alone and figure out what the hell happened the other night.
I’m torn between screaming at him and kissing the shit out of him.
It’s basically witchcraft how he’s managed to avoid me in such tight quarters.
My thoughts are pulled away when Jorge burps obnoxiously into the microphone. He spins and gives us all a cheeky grin.
“Fuckin’ weirdo,” Phoenix says, rolling his eyes.
“You love it,” Jorge fires back. “Let’s go through The Mighty one more time. Louder.”
I quickly adjust my pedals, get positioned behind the spare mic because I’m on backup vocals for this track, and glance at Michael. He’s murmuring something to Oli, but I know he feels my eyes on him. The fucker is stubborn as shit, I’ll give him that.
Fighting the urge to force myself into his space, I start finger-picking the opening bass line, and Phoenix follows behind with drums. Once the guitars join in with Kelly’s synths, I get lost in the music.
I stomp around the stage, bang my head, and when the chorus hits, I get back behind the microphone and growl alongside Jorge. Buzzing, electric currents shoot up my arms and settle in my chest as we groove together.
For those few minutes, it’s easy for everything else to slip away. We exist in this bubble of metal and family, and nothing fucking matters but this.
When the song ends, I seek out Lex. He blushes prettily and waves.
Fuck.
Slinging my bass around to rest against my back, I stalk forward. He disappears somewhere backstage, reminding me that he’s thinking still. I can’t just go kiss him and feel him up.
Adrenaline is punching through me, and after the show tonight, it’ll be worse. I’m so fixated on the now-empty spot where he was standing that I don’t realize I’m not alone anymore until a firm hand lands on my shoulder.
“We need to talk,” Michael rumbles.
About damn time.