Chapter 29
Chapter Twenty-Nine
“ H ow soon is too soon?” Kelly gripped the arms of Brendon’s chair facing his desk. The man managed to somehow be this really strong guy, but still completely non-threatening. At first, she hadn’t been sure she’d be able to spill all her thoughts and all her garbage to a guy. Especially a guy who didn’t, at first glance, look like he’d understand. Now, she wanted to sit there and talk to him. The more she did, the more she understood what needed to happen for her future.
“Too soon for what?” Brendon tilted his head to the side.
He did that whenever he knew what she was thinking but wanted her to put her thoughts into words. The more she did that, the more she examined how she actually felt. It was strange. She would say his help was invaluable in the very same breath that she would say that she’d come to the healing she had by herself. While she was nowhere near fully healed, might never be, she saw the gaps in her own life now. He’d led her to them and let her bridge them on her own terms .
“Too soon to fall in love again. I mean, not fall. I don’t know that I ever really stopped loving him. I think my love for Sam got me through until I found Christ. When Anna told me about salvation, that made me hold onto a thread of hope. Sam isn’t my savior, and he never will be, but I never stopped loving him.”
Brendon gave a slight and rare smile. “Sounds pretty astute to me. I would just say to take it slow. Don’t rush anything. If you start to feel stressed or pressured, even if that pressure is only on your side, slow down. Sam won’t rush you.”
She relaxed into the seat and rested her head against the back of the chair. “I know. He told me that he would be fine living just the way we are for the rest of our lives, if that’s what is the best for me. How could I not love a man willing to do that?”
Brendon scribbled something in his ever-present paper notes. “No one is forcing you to love, Kelly. I know you were just expressing how much you care but it is, and always will be, your choice. You should get up every morning and choose to love that one person. There will be days when it’s hard. Sam will leave his socks on the floor, or he won’t make the coffee quite right or . . . whatever, and things like that can build up. That’s when we choose to love, we talk about what is bugging us, then we either decide those things are too much and we look for counseling or we let them go and look at the things that are good and positive about the one we love. But there will always be that choice.”
Kelly ran her thumb over the bumpy surface of the flower promise ring. He’d promised to make her his first choice every day. Vows in front of people or not, he was going to stick by her. Sam was a man of his word. If he said he would choose her every day, he would. Could she say the same?
“I would choose him. I’ve never met a man like him who made me believe I was worth something. I didn’t have to try with him or be someone I’m not. I didn’t have to flirt to get his attention or to keep it. He was steady and secure. He made me feel like the best Kelly Chambers was what he saw. Which is why when he saw me with someone else, it broke his vision of me.”
He’d never expressly told her that, but in her counseling, she’d come to realize that fact. No one should be put on a pedestal. Now, Sam knew not to do that with her or anyone else. She’d forced him into a hard lesson, just like he’d made her realize that people can’t read your mind. If she didn’t tell him what was wrong, he couldn’t be expected to know.
“You have a good head on your shoulders, Kelly. You’re strong and I think you’ll get to the other side. Sometimes, it just takes wanting it. You have to believe it for yourself before anyone else believes in you.”
Kelly closed her eyes and remembered that Sam had said the same thing about Zeus. No one had believed Zeus could be a good dog, that he was worth saving. They’d wanted to put him down as a bad dog . But Sam had noticed something no one else did and that something had saved Zeus.
“I’m not a bad girl,” she whispered, only realizing after she’d said it that the words had actually come from her mouth.
“No, you’re not,” Brendon confirmed. “Why do you say that?”
“My grandmother told me. Over and over, I was a bad girl. Nothing I did was ever good enough. Or I tried too hard to get attention. I don’t think I ever pleased her, so I tried to please everyone else because I wanted to be loved so badly. I don’t know why her opinion mattered so much. Probably because she was the only one who had a strong opinion about me. My parents were older, and they just didn’t care if I was in sports or got an A in every class.”
“So, you assigned the greatest importance to the one you actually had to prove yourself to,” Brendon said.
“I suppose. Maybe I liked a challenge? I don’t know. I just know that when she died, I didn’t feel a sadness that she was gone. I won’t even talk about the guilt that brought up. I only felt bad that I would never be able to earn her approval. My chance was gone.”
Kelly finally raised her head, realizing that she’d avoided looking at Brendon that whole time. He reached forward and laid both hands on his desk.
“I want you to know that people who seek the approval of others have a lot of difficulty achieving it. She could’ve lived for years longer and you may still never have found what you were looking for.”
She nodded. “I know. There was no pleasing her. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t feel it. That I didn’t try.”
“People can be hard, but it’s because we’re human. We fail. A lot. I want you to work on actively turning around any thoughts you have of your grandmother. If a memory comes forward that threatens to chop your feelings, I want you to do something to divert your mind. Eat a sour candy. Chew on an ice cube. Wash your hands in hot water, but not hot enough to burn, obviously. Anything that will give a physical response for you to focus on instead of those memories. They have no business in the here and now.”
She’d never heard of any therapy like that before. Maybe it would finally let her grandmother stay in the grave. “Thank you. I’ll try that.” She reached for the bowl of sour lemon candies Brendon had added to his desk after she’d asked for something other than chocolate. “Now is as good a time as any.”
Brendon laughed. “I think you’re right.”
She stood and thanked him for his time then headed out into the cold day. In the two days since Thanksgiving, the temperature had dropped even more, and winter seemed to be there in every sense but on the calendar. On her way to the barn, she noticed a light on in Sam’s cabin.
He should’ve been out in the barn, so she headed over to see why he was there. She knocked twice, but there was no answer.
“Sam? Are you home?” She tested his door, and it was open.
Kelly bit her lip as she pushed the door open. She’d spent a little time in there, but not much. Sam’s cabin still felt too personal, like she was entering his space, and she wasn’t quite ready for that yet.
“Sam?”
The silence in the cabin made her worried. Was there something wrong? Had Viceroy been angry and come after Sam? Nathan had said Viceroy would kill anyone who’d seen his face, though clearly that threat wasn’t meant for his inner circle.
“Sam?” Her voice trembled. “Please answer.”
Her steps faltered on the way down the short hall to the one bedroom in the cabin. His was the same as hers, so she knew just where the room had to be. His bedroom door was slightly ajar and she touched it without looking inside.
With a small shove, she opened the door.
His bed was made and everything was neat as a pin. He had a spare pair of boots lined up in front of his nightstand like slippers. She grinned at the sight, imagining Sam changing into his ‘comfy boots’ when he came home after a long day.
A slip of paper laid on his nightstand and was the only thing that stood out as out of place in the room. She held her breath as she took the few steps into the room. The paper was a printed receipt from Expert Services Dog Training, for $35,000.
“Oh, Sam.” She covered her mouth. He’d told her that he had nothing to spend his money on, but that didn’t make seeing the receipt any easier. He’d spent so much.
“I didn’t mean for you to see that,” Sam said from behind her.
She jumped. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to look at something I wasn’t supposed to.” Now she’d ruined everything. How would he trust her if she went snooping in his room?
Immediate regret twisted her insides. He had a right to do things that she didn’t know about. They weren’t anything yet. Not really.
“Kelly, it’s okay. I just didn’t want to hurt you in case Zeus came back unsuccessful. But I’ve gotten a good report. He’s doing really well.”
Sam held back, wishing he could pull back the statement that had obviously caused her more grief than he’d intended. Words were arrows and even more when hearts were tender.
“I knew you wanted him as a real support animal, one who’d been trained to help you. The closest I could get with their normal training was PTSD. So, that’s the course Zeus is going through. He’ll have to work with a handler for a while. I wish it didn’t take so long, but he’ll be back soon.”
Kelly still didn’t speak, and Sam tried to remember all the things he’d learned about how to deal with emotional situations. He absolutely didn’t want to shame Kelly for having no resources to have the dog trained herself. Maybe he’d overstepped his bounds. “I should’ve asked you.”
Kelly shook her head and laid her hand over his heart. “I can’t fault you for a gift I asked for. I’m just . . . shocked. That was a lot of money. I don’t want you to think that anything I do is trying to compensate for this gift. It’s funny that something so generous actually makes our—whatever we’re in—more difficult.”
He certainly hadn’t wanted that. He’d hoped she would be happy with it, which was another reason he hadn’t told her. Let her feel the joy without expressly knowing the cost. “That’s why I didn’t want that receipt hanging between us. I did, however, agree to be honest. So, you could look at that as keeping things from you. Now you know. I sent Zeus away to get specialized training so he could be the dog you need. I didn’t do it for points or a way to get closer to you. I did it because it was the right thing to do, and because I could.” Man, that didn’t sound romantic at all. Which would mean Edwyn would be happy with the way he’d put it.
Kelly chuckled. “A gift that’s worth the same as a car. Yeah, I can totally forget that. Sam, you are so unlike anyone else.”
“I hope that’s a good thing.” Suddenly, he wasn’t so sure.
“It is. A very good thing.” She reached up on her tiptoes and gave him a quick peck on the mouth. “And I give you permission to kiss me once in a while.”
Yikes. That would be a tough call. He’d have to read a bunch of cues before he risked that, but he’d listen and be attentive. “I’m glad to hear it.” He took the opportunity just then to return the kiss. “Connor asked me to come up to the house for something urgent but not dangerous. Want to join me?”
He was pretty sure guests weren’t invited to Connor’s meeting, but he had invited the wives of the other men. In his mind, Kelly was the only woman he’d ever consider marrying making her his plus one.
They made their way over to the ranch as a steady stream of guys entered the building along with their wives. Dee strode in and he saw her duck down toward Brendon’s office instead of Connor’s.
Connor’s office was completely packed with people, making Kelly instantly grip his hand tighter. He led her through the group to two seats that were still open. Connor looked around the room. “We’re just waiting on Brendon and Dee.”
Edwyn leaned against the wall in the back and pushed away from it. “I had an idea.”
Connor’s brow shot up. “There’s no way you could know what this meeting is about. How could you have an idea?”
Edwyn waved away the concern, quieting everyone in the room. Edwyn never challenged Connor. “You were worried about Nadine breaking into our security. What if we played to her ego and told her that what she did proved we have weaknesses? We could ask her to come work for us to fix them.”
Everyone turned to Connor to see what he would think. The silence created a chord of tension in the room and Sam wished he’d let Kelly stay in his cabin.
“You think she would go for that? Isn’t that a huge risk to the people who are here? She knocked our security system out without hardly trying.”
Edwyn’s cheeks flushed slightly. “She’s brilliant, but not evil. She’d probably also love the chance to hurt me back. I wouldn’t doubt that the way I handled our relationship is the reason she does what she does.”
Connor frowned as Brendon rolled his wheelchair into the room with Dee at his side. “Sorry we’re late.”
Connor sat behind his desk and sighed. He looked over at Lacy and his attention held onto her for a while, like he needed her support. “I’ve been hit with a pretty big surprise this morning. One that might forever change Wayside.”
Sam reached over and held Kelly’s hand. He wasn’t about to keep secrets from her, but he hoped this wouldn’t be a notice that Wayside was closing. “What’s going on?”
“First, an update on Nathan. He’s still in jail, awaiting trial on charges of human trafficking, entrapment, kidnapping, and murder. Viceroy and Ramona haven’t been seen since they escaped in Denver, but we’re sure they’re still out there.” He scrubbed at his face, then pressed his temples.
“I don’t know how to say this without just coming out and saying it. Dad called me today and let me know that I have a half-sister, and because of the way dad worded the agreement when he gave it to me, she owns half of Wayside Ranch.”
Kelly squealed as Sam gripped her hand. He let it go immediately, but that didn’t help his immediate feeling of dread and loss. Someone no one knew would now be able to access the privileged information at Wayside and unless they both agreed to continue, could spell the end for the ranch.