9
Vadim isn’t at his place. The lights are off, he doesn’t answer the doorbell, and I can’t hear any sounds coming from behind the door of his apartment.
I pace the sidewalk, think about going home, reconsider, then change my mind another ten times before catching sight of the slender, black-clad figure at the corner of the street.
Evening is beginning to fall, but I would recognize him even in the middle of the darkest night. He’s not alone; his friend Felix is with him. I approach stealthily, hide behind a large tree trunk, and poke my head out slightly. I’m afraid they will hear my heart pounding in my chest.
After a quick glance around, Vadim hands Felix what looks to me like a rolled-up wad of cash.
He leans in to give him a hug and takes the opportunity to slip a small package into the front pocket of his friend’s hoodie.
Then, Vadim heads off alone toward the door of his building, and I stay hidden, my heart pounding harder than ever.
“You’d make a terrible cop, Alma Lancaster.”
I’m too stunned to speak.
As if saying nothing is enough to make me invisible.
“I knew you were there all along,” he says, turning in my direction.
“I wasn’t hiding.”
“Oh, were you trying to climb the tree? That would have been funny, given your legendary agility,” he teases, staring at the huge stain on my jeans. “What did you knock over this time?”
“Why do you care?”
“You’re right, I don’t care. I’m not the one waiting outside your place.”
He shrugs one shoulder and enters his building. I follow him up the stairs. He is already in his apartment when I reach the landing. I take a deep breath and lift my hand to knock, but the door opens before I even reach it, revealing Vadim’s mocking expression.
The teasing look on his face only makes him even more attractive.
For a second, I’m tempted to slap him.
But the truth is, I’m dying to kiss him.
“Can I help you?”
“Yes, I’m looking for my project partner, Vadim Arcadi. I haven’t been able to find him since very early this morning.”
“Don’t know him. I reckon you’ve got the wrong address.”
“Oh, I think you do know him. Pretty tall. Dark, wavy hair. Always runs his hand through it when he’s uncomfortable. A bit like you’re doing right now.”
“I’m still not sure who he is… What else can you tell me about him?” he asks, slipping his hand into his pocket.
“Oh one of those cocky types, very sure of himself. Doesn’t like to be contradicted.”
“So, basically a total asshole?”
“Well, more like highly intelligent. A good conversationalist, but only at night, apparently. And he kisses like a god, but turns into a goddamn devil when the sun comes up.”
We challenge each other with our eyes. He studies me, and I shoot daggers at him.
Then, he pounces on me, slipping a hand behind my head as he presses his lips against mine.
“You ass—”
My attempt at rebellion fails. His mouth wins. His other hand moves to the small of my back, and he guides my tense body against his. I suppress a shiver and surrender to this sweet whirlwind. It feels so good.
I almost melt, but he stops too soon. Much too soon.
He steps back inside his apartment.
“Alma, where is this going? We’re so different…”
“You don’t have the guts to let me in?”
My sassiness surprises him. Pleases him.
He steps aside, leaving my path clear. He remains planted in the middle of the living room, while I settle into the same spot on the couch where I sat yesterday. My empty mug is still there.
I don’t know where to start. I can still feel the heat of his mouth on mine.
“Vadim, we’re going to have to find a way to work together.”
Silence.
“In any case, we have to find a subject.”
“Have to? I don’t owe Abrams anything, and I certainly won’t give him that pleasure.”
“So, we’re going to prove him right? You’ll remain the tortured artist who has nothing to say, and I’ll be the teacher’s pet he flatters all year?”
“Ah, so you admit it!”
“Sure, if you say so. But are we really going to prove him right and let him humiliate us?”
“I’m never setting foot in that class again.”
“So, you run away at the first sign of difficulty? Isn’t that kind of cowardly? Like when you ignored me this morning?”
He lets out a long sigh, idly tracing the rug with the tip of his foot.
“Why are you doing this, Vadim? Doesn’t this matter? Does anything matter to you?” I demand, in a voice I’d hoped wouldn’t sound so desperate.
“You’ve got a boyfriend, Alma. I’m only second best, remember? And even if I wanted to be your number one choice, I couldn’t be. We’re nothing alike. We’ve got nothing in common. Nothing to offer each other. It wouldn’t work.”
“That didn’t seem to be a problem for you when you were kissing me last night…”
“And the way you snuck out this morning, it was as though you were ashamed.”
His eyes meet mine, then dart away. He’s right there, in front of me, so close, and yet he may as well be miles away.
“I just went to Clémentine’s to get changed before class! And then, once we were there, you acted like I didn’t exist!”
“You were avoiding me, hiding behind your friend!”
“I was waiting for you to stop pretending not to know me.”
“You realize normal people just come over and say hello?”
“You should have just come over, then!”
“Oh, so you snap your fingers and I come running, is that it? You’re so used to everyone bowing down to you, Lancaster.”
“I was the one who kissed you first yesterday!”
I watch his tall frame freeze, then turn toward me.
“No one forced you to do it.”
“I wanted to! Why are we still keeping score?”
“Because it’s a losing battle with you,” he sighs.
“But there’s no reason for it to be a fight!”
“Maybe not for you. But my whole life, all I’ve done is fight.”
“Well then stop,” I whisper, reaching my hand toward his hair.
“That’s easy for you to say.” He pulls his head back so I can’t touch him. “I fought all by myself in class this morning. Abrams blamed everything on me. He was relentless, and you didn’t say a word.”
“Vadim, I just didn’t know what to say.”
“Abrams disrespected you too, and you didn’t react. You’re afraid of everything, Alma,” he murmurs, and something twists in my chest. “Afraid of me, afraid of him… even afraid of yourself.”
I fight back my tears—and my urge to disappear.
“Well, I also feel like I’m constantly fighting,” I whisper. “With myself. Against my shyness, my sensitivity, my upbringing that’s locked me into this tiny box I’m not supposed to step out of. Do you think it’s easy to speak up when you’ve only ever been taught to stay quiet?”
Leaning against the opposite wall, the light from the streetlamp illuminating his dark silhouette, Vadim listens to me attentively, watching me in silence.
I can’t read his expression. It scares me, though.
I’m petrified that he and I will just end right here.
My shell is cracking. I’m cold without his arms around me.
“You know, I wish I had been born with your courage, your strength, and your boldness, Vadim. That’s what I admire, what I like most about you.”
“That’s all I was born with.”
“So, teach me.”
Our eyes speak in silence for a few long, drawn-out seconds.
I’m on a tightrope, suspended between this guy I can’t stop thinking about and the void.
“Why are you crying, Alma?”
His voice softens, freeing the words I’ve kept bottled up inside me.
“I’m not afraid of you, you know? I’m afraid of liking this. I’m afraid of loving you…”
He stares at me, speechless.
“You see, Arcadi? For you, I can be gutsy.”
I no longer know if I’m crying or laughing.
Vadim runs a hand over the back of his neck and tousles his hair. He looks at me, hesitates, then finally speaks.
“What am I going to do with you, Lancaster?” A faint smile tugs at his lips.
“I loved last night, too. I felt like I caught a glimpse of the real Alma, not the good girl hiding behind her daddy. Last night, I saw the Alma who told me to get lost the first time we talked. The one who stands up to me and refuses my jacket even when she’s cold.
The one who never agrees with me. The one who only asks me the right questions.
The one who kisses me when I don’t expect it.
The one who understands what others don’t.
I don’t want you to change. I just want you to truly be yourself.
Like yesterday. Whole, free, with no filter, with no limits—”
I don’t let him finish. I leap from the couch and dig my fingers into his hair, pressing my face to his. Kissing him like the first time. No, harder. Kissing him again, as if my life depended on it.
No one has ever painted such a portrait of me. No one has seen that Alma.
I don’t want him to say another word. I just want him to hold me, to kiss me, to touch me—for there to be only the two of us in this world. I’m longing to melt into him, so we’re no longer on opposite sides.
Vadim groans into my mouth as he kisses me back.
He pins me against the wall, and the whirlwind carries us away.
Kissing him is suddenly no longer enough.
The force drawing us together overwhelms me.
My hands slide under his T-shirt, and the touch of his warm, super-soft skin sends a tremor through my body.
I don’t know how to stop anymore. I don’t want to.
I kiss his neck, intoxicated by his scent.
His hands roam around my hips, my waist, my back, skimming my butt, then return to my face.
He brushes away my hair, then pulls away from my mouth to look at me and breathes, “Alma…”
“Don’t stop.”
“Are you sure?”
“It’s my first time.”
“You don’t have to prove anything to me.”
His husky voice betrays a gentleness that stops me in my tracks. I suddenly have the strange certainty that he was put on this planet just for me.
“I want to, Vadim.”
“Are you afraid?”
Maybe a little.
“No. I want you.”
I want him.
I’d never said those words before. I’d never imagined it like this… but I’ve never been so sure of myself.