30
Overdose.
An overdose of foie gras, seafood, truffle appetizers, wild salmon, chocolates, and Christmas pudding, in a salute to my British grandparents.
An overdose of forced smiles, outrageously expensive gifts no one will ever use, and awkward questions no one wants to answer.
An overdose of good feelings, good wishes, and good resolutions.
Merry Christmas and a happy New Year! Wishing everyone good health.
And above all, no baby…
Everyone was relieved when Granny and Grandpa left—even them. Thrilled to return to their beloved England, they left with suitcases stuffed fuller than when they arrived. Everyone can finally breathe.
Except me. I can no longer act like what’s happening isn’t happening.
I’m pr—
I still haven’t found the courage to tell Vadim.
Clémentine guessed it, without me having to say a single word.
She spent the holidays with us, happy to leave her dorm on the deserted campus for a house full of life.
But Clem felt a certain melancholy for her too, no doubt, imagining her divorced parents each spending the holidays with their blended families.
And my best friend didn’t complain once.
She designed and sewed several ghastly dresses with Lily, who declared that stripes and polka dots definitely went well together.
She beat Basile at Final Fantasy on his new console; he grumbled that it was beginner’s luck.
She cooked with my mother and Georgia, who exchanged tight smiles each time she dipped her finger into the preparations “just to taste” and “just one more time.”
I watched all of this from a distance, absent, practically a stranger.
Clémentine found out everything one morning.
We were locked in the bathroom, brushing our teeth at the same time, her in her panties and bra, me wrapped in a bath towel.
Clem was studying herself in the large mirror, first from the front, then from the side.
She did a dance step and then complained about her little potbelly, tapping on it like a drum. I burst into tears.
That’s when she understood.
To be honest, I didn’t understand much of what she said to me because of the toothpaste in her mouth, but she has a gift for comforting me without even speaking. After a little hip bump, a tight hug, and an “It’s going to be okay. I can adopt it if you want!” later, I was laughing through my tears.
“You have to talk to Vadim about it before deciding anything,” she whispered to me.
“I’m terrified, Clem.”
“I’ll kill him with my bare hands if he’s awful to you.”
“That won’t help me much, but if you want to…”
“I’ve taken down tougher dudes in video games.”
I believe her. Of course I believe her.
***
Even during the holidays, Vadim spends his days with his community service group at the university.
I decide to go surprise him on campus late in the afternoon.
I don’t have the courage to ask him to meet up or to say I have something to tell him: he’d imagine all kinds of things… everything except this.
From a distance, I see him chatting with a tall, olive-skinned brunette with an athletic body and a kind of tomboy look, but with very long, shiny, black hair that she constantly sweeps to one side.
She has the perfect blend of femininity and self-confidence—both charming and wild, seductive and indifferent.
She reminds me of Vadim.
When I’m a few feet away, he suddenly catches my eye. He runs a hand through his hair, says a few last words to his new friend, then comes over to meet me, smiling.
“Alma, what are you doing here? Did you come to check I was doing my duty?”
He gives me a little wink, and his upbeat mood takes me by surprise.
“She seems nice,” I say, nodding toward the brunette.
“So, you’re still not remotely jealous, huh, Lancaster?”
Crossing his arms over his chest, he takes a step forward eyes me very closely. He seems to find it amusing.
“You didn’t look super busy. Is it kind of like a summer camp?”
“That’s what people do when it’s the end of the day. You know, they stop working.”
“What did you have to clean today?”
“Guess.” His damn smirk widens.
“Just tell me, Vadim,” I reply coldly.
“The gym.”
He wins.
The memories come flooding back, and I smile too. I even forget why I came, forget the weight in the pit of my stomach.
“Your work of art disappeared a long time ago, but I cleaned the bleachers, the courts, the locker rooms…” Vadim emphasizes these last words, deliberately trying to get a reaction from me.
And it works.
“And the last part we cleaned was the showers. But without you, Princess, it was much less fun…”
Our eyes lock. And stay locked.
The effect this guy has on me…
His phone beeps. He pulls it out and quickly reads the message. A short distance away, I can see Cheyenne pretending to chat with two other students, but watching us.
“So, you spent the end of your day in the showers with… her?”
Vadim puts his phone away in the back pocket of his jeans, then casts a glance in the brunette’s direction.
“Cheyenne? Yes. She got naked again. You know, to avoid getting her clothes wet.”
“Stop it, Vadim.”
“Then she washed the walls with her body. She says human skin is very effective against—”
“Shut up,” I grumble, hitting his shoulder. “I get it, okay?”
He sits on the edge of the nearest wall and pulls me against him. His teasing laugh floats into the air, and I feel a strong pair of arms tighten around me. His voice softens; his warmth, his scent calm me.
“Come here. Stop fighting me.”
“Do you find her attractive? Even just a little?”
It’s stupid. It’s a cliché. But I can’t stop myself from asking.
I’m terrified of losing him.
“Can’t I make friends? She’s really nice. Interesting. But that doesn’t mean I’m interested.”
“Interesting how?”
“I don’t know. She’s different. Resourceful, hardworking. She isn’t afraid of anything. And she’s proud of her Native American roots. She knows a bunch of things, and she’s got a gift for telling stories. She doesn’t care what people think of her. She’s genuine, that’s all.”
Genuine. And better than me?
“I’m trying to open my chakras,” I murmur, still in his arms. “But she seems so perfect for you…”
“I don’t like her hair,” he blurts out suddenly. “Too long, too shiny. I bet it’s fake.”
I look up at him, and the tenderness in his eyes overwhelms me. I steal a kiss from him. A very small but immensely tender kiss.
“Do you want to meet her? You can pull on her wig…”
“I want to, but not right now.”
“Why?”
I wriggle out of his warm embrace, as if I expect to be pushed away anyway once he knows the truth.
“I need to talk to you about something, Vadim.”
“Me too!”
“You first, then.”
Just to buy a little time.
“Are you sure?”
I nod, forcing myself to smile.
“Keith told me I can see my brother in a month. He’s going to organize it for early February…”
I smile at him, for real this time.
“Will you come with me, Alma?”
“I’d follow you anywhere, Arcadi.”
He gazes at me and lets out a soft laugh, which takes flight and flutters all around me.
“But for now, I can’t take one wrong step,” he sighs. “And I shouldn’t see much of Felix. Those are Keith’s conditions.”
“Okay, but you’re still going to introduce Felix to an interesting girl who knows a bunch of things so he doesn’t feel lonely. Right now. Deal?” I say, holding my hand up in the air.
Instead of high-fiving it, Vadim entwines his fingers with mine and gives me his irresistible smirk.
“Your turn.”
I chicken out.
This news is going to ruin everything.
“It’s nothing; it can wait.” My heart starts racing and I struggle to get my words out. “I’m happy for you and your brother. You’ve been waiting for this for so long—”
“Don’t chicken out, Lancaster. I know you inside and out.”
His deep voice cuts through the air. He has sensed that I’m nervous.
“You’re not going to like it…”
“You can tell me anything, Alma.”
I’m already fighting back tears.
“I think I’m pregnant.”
I look away so as not to read the horror, the disappointment in his eyes.
“You… you think, or you’re sure?” His voice is hoarse.
He runs a hand through his hair. He’s trying to stop himself from panicking… without much success.
“I took a pregnancy test.”
“What? But when? Without telling me?”
“A week or two ago. Somewhere in between… I don’t remember.”
“You don’t remember? Fuck, Alma!”
A tear traces a path down my cheek.
“There were the holidays, my grandparents were here, I had my whole family on my back, and you… You spend your days here! We haven’t seen each other much, and I—”
“Alma, this should have come before everything else!”
“I was scared… I was lost!” Sobs burst from my chest.
“Come here, don’t cry. I’m sorry for yelling. But how is this possible? We always take precautions…”
“Life is punishing us, I don’t know…” I murmur, burying my face in his neck.
He rubs my back, but I can feel that he’s tense.
“What are we going to do?”
“I just want you to come with me. You know, for the…”
“Wait, just breathe, we have time. Don’t you think you might want to…?”
“Of course not, Vadim! I’m nineteen. Isn’t it obvious?”
“Alma, listen to me.” His voice is deep and calm.
Vadim takes my face in both hands and brings it close to his.
It’s hard to read the flurry of emotions flashing through his clear eyes.
“You don’t have to decide right this second.
I know we’re young and that a baby is scary.
But it’s not impossible. ‘Nothing is impossible when you love each other.’ You told me that. It’s a George Sand quote, isn’t it?”
“What are you talking about? I’m just starting my studies. I don’t have a job, and neither do you. We’ve only known each other for a few months…”
“It’s your body, your choice, Alma. And I’ll support you no matter what.
But I don’t want you to regret it one day.
For both of us to regret it. I want you to know that, if you ask me to, I’ll do whatever it takes.
I’ll find a real job. You can come live with me.
You can keep going to college for as long as possible.
Afterwards, when the baby is here, you can take online courses. ”
I never would have imagined he’d react like this. This calmness, this way of projecting so far ahead, this control that I hear in his voice—a control that almost makes me doubt myself.
“And then one day you’ll get sick of it, you’ll hate your life, and you’ll leave me—”
“Look at me,” he growls. “I will never let you down, Alma. Never. Yes, it will be hard. We won’t have much, but we’ll have our baby.
A combination of You + Me. No one will point out our differences anymore; they’ll see what we managed to create together.
All the people who tried to break us up won’t be able to do anything to us ever again! ”
“But that’s what happens in the movies,” I whisper to him. “It’s beautiful, it makes you cry, but it’s not real life! The truth is that my parents are going to kill me. And then, they’ll kill you.”
“This is real life, Alma. The beginning of our dreams coming true. Remember, we both wrote it on our list.”
“But not right now! Not like this!” I exclaim, pulling out of his arms. “I don’t want to be a teen mother, a student mother—I don’t want to be a mother at all! I don’t want to… I can’t! And I won’t do that to you.”
Vadim stares into the distance, looking troubled.
“It’s for you too,” I sniff, running my hand through his hair. “I don’t want you to give up your filmmaking dreams. To have a job—or even two jobs—you hate. To forget your passion, all your dreams, to sacrifice yourself for a baby you didn’t even want.”
“If you wanted it, I would want this baby too,” he replies softly. “I grew up without a family, so I guess we don’t feel the same way. But I’m here. Whether we keep it or not, Alma, I’m here.”
A torrent of tears flows down my cheeks.
I thought he would run away from his responsibilities, like so many guys his age would have done. But Vadim has demonstrated to me, in his own way, his love, his unfailing support, and his desire to build a future with me.
And I don’t know what to do anymore.