38
When Cheyenne spots me in the hallway, she abruptly pulls her coat closed and takes a step back. Never once dropping her smile.
“Oh you’re not alone. I can come back later,” she says without a hit of embarrassment.
“That’s what I was trying to tell you,” Vadim mutters, running a hand through his hair.
“Can you try to explain what she’s doing here? Dressed like that?” I say without taking my eyes off her for a second.
“I’ve no idea,” Vadim replies, not wasting a second in defending himself.
“You told me you weren’t doing anything tonight. I just wanted to give you a little surprise,” Cheyenne simpers.
“Hmm… well, I’m certainly surprised,” he responds, embarrassed. “Cheyenne, this is the Alma I’ve told you about. Alma, Cheyenne. So, now you two have officially met.”
“And now what? The three of us are going to sit down and enjoy a cozy little evening together?!” I retort, beside myself.
“Okay, I can see that I’m interrupting—”
“You’ve got that right,” I snap.
“I’ll take off, then. See you tomorrow, Vadim. Good night, Emma!”
The door closes. I don’t know whether to unleash my rage and scream at him, burst into tears, or grab my things and leave. But I choose another, different option. Because I feel like I’m going to die here and now if I don’t get an explanation right this second.
“You talked to her about me so much that she doesn’t even know my name.”
“She must have gotten it wrong.”
“Liar! She showed up at your place in her underwear like she was sure she wouldn’t find anyone here with you.”
“I think she called you Emma on purpose, just to piss you off. But I did tell her I wasn’t doing anything tonight. You kind of just showed up. We weren’t supposed to see each other.”
“Are you joking?! Do I have to check what kind of sexy plans Cheyenne might have for you before I know whether I can come over to your place when I’m feeling down? Sorry to have deprived you of a first-class striptease. Next time, I’ll tell my family to pick a better time to fall apart!”
“No, that’s not what I meant, Alma. Please calm down.”
“Are you kidding? She knows your address and your schedule, and she dares to show up here half naked? She even said she’ll come back later, like it’s not a problem at all! And you want me to calm down?”
“That girl is completely unpredictable. I know you won’t like hearing this—but this kind of thing is totally in character for her.”
“Go ahead, Vadim, keep digging yourself deeper into your hole! You’re not even trying to hide the fact you think it was a brilliant idea.”
“I never said that. Can you try to put yourself in my shoes for a minute? If you did, you would see that I have nothing to feel guilty about.”
“I’m sure it’s not the first time, either!”
“What?”
“Yesterday, you were just locker room buddies, and today she shows up as a femme fatale? Do you really think I’m that stupid?
For all I know, you’ve been together since the beginning!
You and I stopped using condoms because we’re supposed to be exclusive!
” I hiss, thinking out loud and feeling appalled.
“Alma, you’re just making stuff up now. Or you’re baiting me to see what I’ll say. I hate that.”
“And I hate you. It’s simple: either you explain yourself, or we’re done.”
“That’s what I’m trying to do, but—”
“You’re supposed to swear to me that you love me and that nothing has happened between you two! Get mad, Vadim! Don’t I deserve better than this?”
“Nothing has ever happened between Cheyenne and me.” Vadim fixes me with his icy gray eyes.
“It’s the first time she’s been here,” he continues in a calm voice, without breaking eye contact.
“It’s the first time I’ve seen her underwear.
And it’s the first time she’s made a move like this on me.
She provoked you because she saw it was working.
And she always follows through on her ideas; that’s the way she is. ”
“And you love that about her, right?” I mutter, my voice thick with tears.
“Yeah… I do like her personality,” he admits, looking away for a second.
“You’re worse than my father. You’re not even sorry,” I reply, crestfallen.
“I like her, but I love you! And I’d never do that to you,” he says, quickly backpedaling.
“How do you expect me to believe you? You didn’t try to stand up for me once when she was here.”
“Fine, I’ll call her! I’ll put it on speaker, but don’t say anything, so she thinks she’s talking to me one-on-one. That’s the only way she’ll tell the truth.”
“No, Vadim. I don’t want to play this game. I’m going home!”
“It won’t take long. Just give me two minutes.”
He taps on his phone, waits for the dial tone, then places his cell flat on the coffee table in front of us.
“Hi, Cheyenne?”
“Yeah, it’s me. Has your girlfriend left already?”
“Yes.”
“So, I can come back, then,” she says, breaking into a loud, thunderous laugh.
It feels like a second wound in my heart, after the one Vadim just left behind.
He puts his hand on mine and begs me with his eyes not to leave. Not yet.
“You don’t have anything to say to that, Arcadi? Don’t tell me you’re traumatized over a bra and panties.”
“No, I’m just surprised. And I don’t think it’s a good idea to do stuff like that. I love Alma.”
“Alright, relax! I don’t know what came over me. I was bored, I guess. I just wanted to have a little fun tonight. I thought you’d find it funny.”
“So, you weren’t serious?”
“Oh, I don’t really know. I guess the thrill came from not knowing exactly how it would turn out.”
“Nothing could happen, you know. Ever.”
“Oh man, I don’t know what’s up with you, but you’re being extremely fucking dull tonight. I’ll let you go. I hope I didn’t mess things up between you and your girl. Bye, Arcadi!”
A few minutes later, I leave Vadim’s place with red-rimmed eyes and my heart in pieces, though mostly glued back together.
I decide to trust him, even if I don’t yet know if I’ll be able to forgive his cowardice on this one.
All he had to do was shoot Cheyenne down in front of me to make everything crystal clear, instead of just standing there with that damn smirk on his face, amused by the situation.
I hate getting into fights with someone who won’t even fight back. Basile is like that all the time, and it makes me want to slap him.
Vadim almost admitted he’d dropped the ball, but he also criticized my “constant need for reassurance.” In the end, we decided not to talk about it anymore, to avoid opening the whole can of worms again.
As for that pain-in-the-ass Cheyenne, I’m not even mad at her. I’m wary of her, but I admire her confidence and the way she owns her touch of madness. I’d like to be her in my next life, please.
***
Acting on some kind of dumb territorial instinct, I spend every day of the following week waiting for Vadim at the end of his community service shifts.
I kiss him deeply every time, making sure Cheyenne gets a good look at us.
She gives me little waves from afar and a few polite smiles, but that’s as far as our exchanges go.
When he’s had enough, Vadim asks me with a playful smile if I could go back to being his girlfriend rather than his bodyguard.
I get a little offended, just on principle. Then, I decide to let it go.
For the past week, Vadim has also been kept busy going from one casting to another.
He shot his commercial, and soon afterward Michelle Kerry told him he had been “discovered.” I didn’t quite grasp what that meant until the offers started pouring in.
He wasn’t as excited as me, and turned them all down.
Until this one. He told me that, although he was interested, he wasn’t going to accept.
But he still wanted to talk to me about it.
“Do you know who Youri Kara?ev is?”
“The Russian director you love? Of course, you talk about him all the time.”
“Well, that’s who the offer is from. It’s for a small role in his next feature film.”
“Awesome! Vadim, that’s a dream come true!”
I bounce around his apartment excitedly, then throw my arms around his neck.
“Wait, why are you looking so miserable?”
“I’m going to say no,” he replies in a flat voice.
“No way! Why would you do that? Give me one good reason!”
“The shoot will take place in Russia. It’s supposed to last three months, and it starts tomorrow.”
My blood runs cold. My arms drop to my sides, and I back away from him with three small, hesitant steps. Those are three excellent reasons. Three months without him. Three months… That’s half the time we’ve been together. An unbearable eternity.
“Three months isn’t that long,” I say softly, trying to make myself believe it.
“I’m not going to go, Alma.”
“Why?”
“I’m not leaving you. Not for three months.”
“Don’t say that. You’re going!”
“No, definitely not.”
“Well, for once, you’re not the one who gets to decide, Vadim. How many of my dreams have you made come true since we met? I don’t even have enough fingers left to count them. Now it’s your turn. This is your dream, and I won’t let you ruin it.”
“That’s it? It wouldn’t bother you at all?” He throws his palms up to the sky, helplessly.
“It breaks my heart,” I whisper, feeling the tears well up. “You haven’t even left, and I miss you already. I don’t even know how I’m going to survive here without you—”
“Okay, I’m not leaving,” Vadim cuts me off.
“Yes, you are,” I reply, pressing two fingers against his lips. “You’re going. And anyway, if you stay, I’ll leave you. We’ll be in the same city, but I won’t speak another word to you.”
“That will still be better than being thousands of miles apart.”
The thought of being so far away from each other makes me dizzy. My head is spinning, my legs are tingling, and my heart is growing weak. But I can’t show him how I’m feeling. I can’t try to hold him back.
To love him is to let him go.
“Vadim, if You + Me is what I think it is, we have our whole lives ahead of us. Three teensy months won’t tear us apart.
Remember, everyone who tried and failed to break us up: Timothy, my brother, Felix, my father, Abrams, Cheyenne—all of them!
Russia won’t manage to do it either. Maybe I can even come visit you there? ”
I don’t believe a word of what I’ve just said, but I throw myself into his arms to hide the despair I can’t keep from showing on my face.
“I’ll be so proud of you when I see you over there!” I continue regardless.
“You’re going to be freezing!” he jokes, trying not to crack.
“You’d better come back, Arcadi!”
“I’d rather die than not come back, Lancaster.”
“So, are you ready to chase your dream? Are you game?”
“I’m game…” he says, his eyes shining.
Then he kisses me. I feel the ground slip away beneath my feet. My tears mingle with the kiss, and it’s as if I can’t breathe. Like a limb is being amputated. Like I’m suddenly split in two.
You + Me, Me + You. What do I have left without that? What am I, without the other half? What will become of me if I can’t draw strength from him? A small, incomplete, unstable, empty vessel. The Alma I was six months ago—shy, muted, fragile, letting life carry her along.
My mother told me never to depend on anyone, least of all a man. But I can’t stand on my own two feet without Vadim.