53
Four seemingly endless days later, Felix is behind the wheel of his best friend’s pickup truck, messing with the rearview mirror.
Seeing him sitting there, to my left, is another stab to my already wounded heart.
Nothing and no one is where they should be anymore: Alonso is driving a car that isn’t his, Clémentine is squirming in the tiny middle seat, Vadim is rotting in jail when someone else should be there instead, and I am alone, without my soulmate.
And this time, I’m the one who has to be strong for him. I don’t know if I’ll be able to.
Either to kill time or fill the silence, my best friend complains loudly, about the heat in the car, the lack of a back seat, and Felix’s erratic driving. He ignores her.
I look outside. The drive to the county jail drags on and on.
The same goes for the security checks and the wait in the hallways.
After an hour on the road in scorching heat, the building’s air conditioning chills me to the bone. My legs are trembling, and my arms break out in goosebumps. I try to control myself, but I like the idea that at least Vadim will be able to make fun of me for shivering in the middle of June.
Well, the free Vadim I knew would have teased me, but what will the locked-up Vadim be like? I have no clue.
Our turn finally comes. The three of us squeeze onto small stools facing a glass pane, while other visitors do the same behind the glass partitions.
I’d been warned that we could have “no physical contact with the inmate,” as is the case for anyone awaiting trial, but the glass barrier suddenly seems intolerable.
An irrepressible urge to drive my fist through it and shatter it into a thousand pieces sends electricity coursing through my hand.
But then Vadim appears, wearing loose, orange pants that hang low on his hips and a white T-shirt bearing the county jail logo. An officer takes off his handcuffs and motions for him to sit. The sight of it rips the wound in my heart open a little wider.
Vadim stares at me. He briefly glances at Felix, then Clémentine, but soon goes back to gazing deeply into my eyes.
For a few long seconds he keeps his eyes on mine, which I feel filling with tears.
He lowers his head when he sees them spill down my cheeks.
I try to pull myself together, and pick up the phone attached to the counter. Almost reluctantly, he does the same.
“I told you not to come. Seeing you like this is worse than jail.”
“It’s the AC making my eyes water.” I force a smile.
Fe snatches the phone from my hands so he can talk to his buddy. “We only have an hour, for fuck’s sake! Are they treating you okay in here, man?”
“I’m fine, can’t complain.”
“Tell me what you want me to do! Do you need money?”
“No, I’m not allowed to have anything until the hearing.”
“When is it scheduled for?”
“In a few days, according to my lawyer.”
“How’s your case looking?”
“Bad. He wants me to plead guilty to avoid a trial and minimize the consequences.”
“Are you going to do that?”
“I don’t know,” he sighs, ruffling his hair.
If I bring my ear close to the receiver, I can hear their conversation, but only faintly.
I try to read my boyfriend’s lips, but I find myself watching him more than listening.
The delicate features of his face. His sharp good looks.
His piercing, tired eyes. The smooth skin of his hollow cheeks.
A small cut along his jaw, probably caused by a cheap razor.
The unruly curls that I can’t touch. His soft lips, barely parting as he speaks—lips I long so desperately to kiss.
And the worst part: not being able to breathe in his scent.
Clem’s elbow digs into my ribs twice, then Felix taps me on the shoulder with the phone before handing it to me.
“Wake up, Lancaster! He needs you, right here, right now! Not tomorrow, not anywhere else. This is all you’re going to get, so deal with it and try to cheer my buddy up!” he spits, rising abruptly from his stool.
“We’ll leave you two alone,” Clem whispers to me, a supportive hand on my back. “Will you be okay? We’ll wait for you in the parking lot. I hate to admit it, but that dipshit is right: don’t waste the minutes you have left with him.”
I nod, then watch them walk away. Bringing the receiver to my ear, I try to hold back another wave of tears before I look Vadim in the eye.
“Is the AC still making your eyes water?” He smiles from the other side of the glass. “I can ask them to turn it off, if you want. I practically live here!”
“I wanted to be stronger for you. But I can’t.”
“I’m not asking anything of you, Alma. That’s why I didn’t want you to come. You shouldn’t have to deal with all this.”
“Neither should you! You don’t belong here. And the sheer injustice of it is killing me. You need to get out, Vadim.”
“I can’t. I’m trapped here. That’s just how it is.”
“Why are you giving up? This isn’t you! Vadim Arcadi is a fighter, a rebel, a renegade who isn’t afraid of anything!”
“Yeah, and look where it got me…”
“No! You’ve fought your whole life. You’re not going to stop. Not now!”
“It’s my word against his. A lost cause.”
He has a resigned tone and a defeated look that don’t suit him at all.
“No, Felix and Clémentine can testify, and so can I! And Cheyenne—she knows the truth! We can bring Keith down; we just have to want it badly enough. But for that, you have to want it too.”
“Alma, please, listen to me. I was already alone in life, and I’m even more alone here.
I don’t have family to help me. No powerful connections.
My best friend has no sway before a judge.
And everything I may have done in the past will be used against me.
The only thing I had was you. And I don’t want you getting mixed up in this.
No way. I want you to go home and forget about me. ”
I’m stunned. It takes me a few seconds to react.
“Why are you saying that? Why are you trying to hurt me even more? And what about You + Me? Isn’t that important to you?”
“I don’t regret anything. Fuck, if you only knew how much I…” He stops before he even finishes his sentence. “But if I had to choose, I’d prefer never to have met you rather than have it end this way. It kills me that I ruined everything. Please, leave. And don’t come back.”
“Vadim, don’t do this to me…”
I watch him replace the receiver, stand up behind the glass that separates us, and wave to the guard waiting behind him. His back is turned. I can no longer even see his eyes, the only part of him that could tell me the truth. The opposite of what he just threw in my face.
My hand slams against the glass partition. I’m no longer crying. I’m absolutely furious. I find myself caught in a whirlwind of rage and despair.
“Vadim!” I repeat, my voice cracking.
***
I spend the next two days curled up at the bottom of my bed, huddled in a corner of my room, or pacing the streets, the park, the little square.
As if all the places that once held my love could somehow give me the impossible answer that would save him.
Feverishly, I wait for the response to my request to visit Vadim, assuming he hasn’t taken me off the list. I dwell on the last words of my lover… if I can still call him that.
Clémentine sometimes joins me, to keep me company.
She tries to reassure me that the hearing hasn’t happened yet, that we would have heard something, that Vadim will inevitably change his mind, that it can’t end like this.
She doesn’t know anything about it. She is powerless and almost as desperate as I am.
Good news in the midst of this chaos: Clem dumped Keith.
She told him to his face what a bastard he was.
Apparently, he laughed. He thanked her for her “good and loyal service,” told her to go back to her “gang of thugs,” gloated that his “plan was working perfectly,” and that he didn’t need her—or any of us—anymore.
She’s still kicking herself for not thinking to record the whole conversation. But I’m not sure even that would have changed anything.
Clem suddenly bumps me hard with her hip. “Hey! Isn’t that Cheyenne over there?”
“Where?”
My eyes quickly scan our surroundings.
“On the sidewalk across the street, neon yellow shorts and pool slides. Since when did the budget sportswear look become fashionable?”
Pure instinct takes over. I abandon Clem and her commentary on current fashion trends, and take off after Cheyenne.
The second my target spots me, she starts running too.
Under normal circumstances, she’d probably beat me easily, but she doesn’t have my sneakers—or, crucially, my rage.
I catch up to her at an intersection and grab her by the thin strap of her backpack.
“Let me go!”
“Or else what?” I reply, out of breath.
“Unlike you, I know how to use my fists.”
She yanks on her strap and takes back what is hers, her threatening gaze fixed on mine.
“I just want to talk to you. Vadim is in jail, and he’s going to stay locked up for years if we don’t do anything about it. I know you know Keith and that you were in on it. But you’re my last card, Cheyenne. You’re all I’ve got left.”
“I’m nothing at all. And you should stay out of this, too.”
She’s already backing away.
“Why will no one get involved? Why does everyone think it’s normal for him to take the fall instead of Keith? Why does no one want that bastard to pay for what he did?”
“Because no one can,” she whispers, moving closer to me again. “He’s untouchable, okay? You don’t know him—he’s capable of anything.”
“Are you afraid of him or what?”
“Be careful, Lancaster!”
Cheyenne scoops up her slides with one hand and runs off again, barefoot on the asphalt.
***
The next morning, I find myself back in the pickup, flanked by Felix and Clémentine.
I agreed to take the middle seat. I would have agreed to anything when I learned my visitation request had been approved.
Because that means the hearing hasn’t taken place yet and, most importantly, that Vadim still wants to see me.
Standing in front of the glass, Fe exchanges a few words with his friend. Clem takes the phone to tell him to hang in there—and also to think about cutting his hair one of these days. That almost manages to make him smile. Then they leave us alone together, as we’d agreed on the ride there.
I don’t know if it’s my imagination, but Vadim looks thinner to me, paler, almost lifeless. His brown curls hang over his forehead, and his shoulders remain hunched, as if he’s carrying a heavy burden.
“Don’t you ever do that to me again, Arcadi. Don’t you ever leave me without looking back.”
My eyes are dry, and my voice determined. I promised myself I wouldn’t break down.
“And don’t you ever do that to me again, Lancaster—shout my name while you’re crying. I didn’t sleep for two nights after that.”
His gray eyes betray a small flicker of anger, sorrow, and pain. Maybe defiance, too. I don’t know what it is, but it brings him to life and makes him more handsome than ever. At least he isn’t acting completely indifferent to me. The idiot almost managed to convince me that was real.
“I talked to Cheyenne yesterday. Keith used her, too. She seems scared of him, so I don’t think she’ll ever talk.”
“I already told you, but you don’t listen, Alma. There’s nothing we can do.”
“Yes, there is! There is a solution—you just don’t want to hear it. My father knows several excellent lawyers who could get you out of here. It’s as simple as that.”
“I already said no. Who would pay, anyway?”
“Me! Us! Who cares?”
“I do.”
“Why? Pride? Vadim Arcadi has spent his whole life standing on his own, so he’d rather die alone than let anyone help him? Even me?”
Seeing him act so stubborn drives me crazy. But I won’t give up.
“I’ve already hurt you enough as it is. I want it to stop now. Whether it’s on the outside or in jail, I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror every day and tell myself I didn’t ruin your life. That you aren’t unhappy because of me.”
“But do you think I could be happy without you? Do you think I can just snap my fingers and forget you? I’ll die if you stay in here! Let me help you, please.”
He shakes his head, then bores into me with his bright eyes.
“No, whatever you do, it will have consequences, Alma. You’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever met.
You’re a rare gem, a pure soul. If I ruin things for you, I’ll never get over it.
You deserve to have a wonderful life. I can’t handle the thought that you might throw it all away for me. I just couldn’t live with that.”
“My life changed on October 8th at around ten in the morning when you looked at me for the first time. When you challenged me, and I pretended to defy you. I chose all of that, Vadim! I let my life be turned upside down! I took the risk because I was already crazy about you! And look at how my life changed: it had never been so beautiful, so incredible as it has been these past nine months. I love the way you make me feel. You have no idea how much you’ve given me.
This freedom, this madness, all these moments of happiness—I owe them to you!
I love you more than anything, more than myself, and I won’t let you sacrifice yourself for me. Never! NOT IN A MILLION YEARS!”
My tears fall, but my voice remains steady.
Everything I’ve been holding in my heart needs to be released.
He needs to know. And even then, these words are nothing compared to what I feel inside.
This burning fire, these arrows laced with his poison, this love so deep and infinite that it hurts me, that it twists inside me—yet without it, I’m nothing.
I don’t even remember what my life was like before him.
Vadim presses his forehead against the glass and smiles. “Look at us. We spent months on the same team, fighting against everyone for… You + Me. And now, we’re fighting each other. But I won’t let you win, Alma Lancaster. Promise me you won’t do anything, that you won’t talk to your father…”
“I’ve got nothing to lose. If you don’t want to fight anymore, I’ll do it for you. I love you, Vadim. And nothing will stop me. Not even you.”
I press my forehead against his. A pane of glass separates us. Maybe a whole lifetime.
I look at him one last time, etching his face into my memory. Then, slowly, I stand up. I leave, carrying his life in my hands, with the feeling my eyes are saying goodbye to him—and the certainty that my heart belongs to him.