Chapter 17 Insidious
Insidious
Irolled to my back and lazily waved my hand through the dust motes dancing in the early morning sunlight peeking through a crack in the cottage curtains.
As warm as it was, it didn’t break through the cold of waking to an empty bed.
Had he changed his mind?
Was he even now backtracking? Trying to figure out a way to undo the deeds of the night before?
Tumbling out of bed, I quickly brushed my teeth and charged into the kitchen to confront him.
I found him sitting at the table looking out the window, long legs stretched out in front of him with his ankles crossed, a cup of coffee in his hand.
“Hey,” I challenged.
He turned his head to face me, his eyebrows rising in question before offering me his crooked smile. “She comes out swinging.”
I frowned and crossed my arms over my chest. “What are you talking about?”
Placing his mug down on the table, he rose and crossed the kitchen. Wrapping his arms around my self-induced cocoon, he tucked me against his chest, my arms crushed between us.
I took a deep breath, the tension beginning to leach out of me at his sweet proximity.
“Things got serious last night. You don’t know if you’re coming or going. Worse, you’re not sure what I’m thinking.” He rubbed his hands up and down the length of my back. “So, you came out ready to fight and push me away.”
At his words, my entire body went rigid.
“You’re okay, Bridget. You’re in full control of everything that is and isn’t happening between us.”
Mouth dry, words burning the back of my throat, I admitted, “I lost almost everything with my divorce.”
His hands stilled for a moment before resuming their gentle ministrations. “You want to sit down for this?”
I shook my head. This way was easier. I could hide my face, and my shame, in his chest.
“Everything we’d built over the years was in my husband’s name, the houses, investments, and retirement funds, and cars. The only thing in my name was my business and the condo I bought before I met him.
“I didn’t want any part of anything he had before we got married, just my half of the investments we saved together. He dragged out the divorce, harassing me constantly until I got to the point I just wanted out.” I took a deep breath. “It was the best decision I ever made.”
And the worst.
He nodded; his temple pressed to the top of my head.
“After a few weeks at a motel, I found a cute little walk-up a few blocks from my store.
“Then he started showing up at my place, banging on the door. Constantly texting. He’d never hurt me physically, but he’d never been so angry with me either.”
“Because you left?”
I barked out a harsh laugh. “He kicked me out.”
“Bridge,” he whispered, his voice pained.
“He stopped me from seeing or talking to Jakey. By that point, I had very little contact with him anymore.”
“How old was he?”
“Almost 14. He’s 16 now.”
“He called you mom?”
I nodded. “Until his real mother put a stop to it. Every time he called me mom, they took him away from me for a month.” Hot tears slid down my face, the first I’d cried for Jakey in years. “I had to correct him.” My breath hitched in my throat. “The look on his face—”
Kian’s arms tightened around me as he rocked me back and forth.
“My God,” I palmed the tears off my cheeks. “I’ll probably never see him again after hurting him the way I did.”
“You didn’t have a whole lot of choices open to you.”
I could have stayed.
At that thought, my tears flowed faster. Did I make the right decision? Was it better for him that I took myself out of the equation? Or worse?
“I kept my heart on lockdown for so long, just so I could see him sometimes, and then I couldn’t think of him at all.” I thought aloud. “Now the lid’s blown off.”
“Of course,” he murmured. “You’ve been locked in survival mode. I understand why you never wanted to date a single dad.”
I nodded and pressed my face into his neck.
What was left to say? We were doomed before we ever began.
He jiggled me gently in his arms. “You understand I’m not him?”
“You told me there are no guarantees,” I countered.
He snorted. “I guarantee I won’t punish you or Isaiah by taking him away from you.
“I guarantee I wouldn’t ask you to give yourself to me if I didn’t believe we could make it.
“I guarantee I wouldn’t put Isaiah in the position to lose someone else he loves without being sure of what I want.”
Twice I opened my mouth to speak, twice I closed it without making a sound as I blinked back tears.
Jakey.
He was so tiny when I met Gary whose very amicable divorce had recently finalized. The fact they remained friends solidified my belief that he was one of the good ones.
When he first began to show his true colors, I felt sorry for her. Then I realized they were equally terrible. How they produced a child as sweet as Jakey I’ll never know.
“Hey, hey, hey,” he whispered. “It’s okay.”
My fingers clutched his t-shirt so tightly they began to cramp.
“You’re okay. I’ll wait for you, Bridget. You’re okay.”
Forcing my hands to relax, I pressed my lips to the sliver of skin at his collar. “I don’t deserve you.”
His big chest rose and fell. “You deserve better.” He paused. “But tough luck.”
I laughed softly and drew back. Smiling up at him with a sweet, unfamiliar shyness, I admitted, “I think you’re wonderful, Kian. The best person I know.”
He flushed and shook his head before turning back to the counter. “Let’s eat breakfast and then we have to get on the road.”
It would be so easy to fall in love with him, if I wasn’t there already. Before I allowed this to go any further, I needed to tell him about The Incident.
Grateful for the reprieve, I asked, “Where are we going?”
“Finn and Lachlan are looking at buying an estate about an hour from here and restoring it.”
Making short work of breakfast and showering, we were on the road exactly thirty minutes later.
With the windows down and the music blasting, we rumbled down one country side road after another, cutting through acres of fields and forest, the summer sun warming my face as the wind whipped the ends of my hair around my face.
I tipped my head back and breathed deep.
Beside me, Kian chuckled and squeezed my knee.
I smiled, eyes closed, sun warm on my face.
I’d always considered myself a city girl, but I couldn’t deny the appeal of space.
Maybe I was at a stage in my life where peace was the ultimate commodity, it had certainly been the theme for the past several months.
Maybe even years.
When Kian pointed out we were cresting the final hill leading up to the house, I saw exactly what I thought I would. Coldly austere, ostentatious, pretentious, and unwieldy, I hated it on sight.
Rubbing the goose pimples on my arms, I followed Kian as he walked through the downstairs.
Hitching his hands on his hips, he took a final look around. “What do you think?”
I replied without thinking. “I hate it.”
His gaze snapped to meet mine, his eyebrows arched high. “You hate it?”
I nodded. “It’s bigger than the house I lived in with Gary, but not by much. It’s cold. Unfriendly. A showpiece, not a home.”
He nodded slowly. “I thought most women would love a place like this.”
I shook my head. “I didn’t want it even when I had it.”
“What did you want?”
“The same thing I do now. A small house I can make into a home.” I sighed. “I love Hawkley and Noelle’s place.”
He tilted his head in question. “Where do they live?”
“They have a log cabin tucked away in the woods. Windows line the entire back wall with a view to the forest. They have room to breathe.” I paused. “It’s quiet. And peaceful.”
“You want a log cabin?”
I shook my head. “I just want a real home, a space where I can just be.”
“It’s not a lot to ask for,” he offered.
I took a deep breath. Since I’d popped the top off my past, long-buried details bubbled to the surface.
I crossed my arms over my chest. “Jakey is the youngest of three boys by four years. He was a bit of an oops when their marriage was already over.” A tear painted my cheek.
“He lived full-time with Gary and me, visiting his mother every second weekend, until he was seven. He called me Mom.” I raised my eyes to meet Kian’s horrified stare. “And then she took him back.”
He rubbed a rough hand over his face. “I’m betting he didn’t want to call her mom.”
I shook my head.
“So, they punished both of you,” he asserted, his voice hard.
I snorted and shook my head in amazement.
“Looking back, I can see how fucking warped it is, but at the time, it seemed reasonable. All his explanations seemed reasonable. This type of abuse, it’s insidious because it begins so slowly and seeps through all your cracks until you think you’re the crazy one.
“I hated him for taking him away from me. But if I left, I’d lose Jakey entirely and forever.” I twisted my mouth to the side. “I locked down my emotions so I could stay and be part of his life.”
The Incident, the nightmare that ended it all played on a continuous loop in the back of my mind. Now it begged for release. And Kian had a right to know what happened.
“Every second weekend, the two older boys were with us. The rest if the time, it was just me, Jakey, and Gary.” Angling slightly away from him, I stared off into space. “This one weekend, we planned to take them to the zoo, but at the last minute, Gary went into work.”
I met Kian’s eyes, needing the anchor of his steady presence as my breath quickened.
My heart skittered and raced. What would he think of me after this?
His eyes widened in alarm. “Hey, hey,” he cooed, drawing me into his arms. “You’re okay, it’s all over.” He rubbed his big hands over my back. “Everything is okay. Take a breath and tell me what happened.”
Swallowing my trepidation, I latched onto his biceps. Somehow, telling my story in this big, empty house seemed fitting.