Chapter Sixty-Six
Marcus
H olding Gigi to me tightly, my body relaxes as my mind begins to wander.
With women in the past, I never felt this kind of ease. I never felt like I could be both strong and vulnerable. But with her, I can simply be myself. When I ended things with Lauren, I thought I’d seek the same dynamic with someone else, convinced that was what I wanted—that it defined who I was.
But now, with Gigi, I don’t feel the need to hold control. She’s strong and capable, meeting me as an equal, and that balance feels natural. There’s no need for power or control, just a mutual respect where we both stand on our own. I find myself wanting to watch her grow and thrive rather than fulfill my expectations.
And though I still crave that rough intensity, it’s different now. I don’t want to dominate her or bend her to my will. With Gigi, I can let go of being in control, knowing she trusts me just as much as I trust her. Maybe I’m healing in ways I never expected. Or maybe it’s because I see her as someone I could truly share a life with, and that thought alone is changing me.
I listen as her breaths slow and become shallow. I close my eyes again, thanking God for her. I wrap my hand around her wrist, playing with her bracelet, knowing at this moment that I love her. I think I’ve loved her for longer than I care to admit. And if I have my way, I’ll love her for the rest of my life.
After my meeting with my lawyer over the damn misdemeanor charges for punching Lewis, I checked my insurance’s website for Mental Health Providers. I found a couple near the office, narrowed it down to a provider and made an appointment. Now it’s Thursday afternoon and I’m sitting in a chair waiting at their office. I spoke with my brother after deciding to talk to someone and he gave me encouragement and simply told me to be honest with my answers and allow the process to happen.
“Marcus?” A man stands by one of the doors off the seating area.
“Yes.” I stand and walk in his direction.
He extends his hand. “I’m Doctor McCoy. You can call me Aaron, if you like.”
I shake his hand. “Good to meet you.”
“Let’s go into my office.”
We walk into the room, and he motions toward a couple chairs to the side, so I sit. He picks up his notebook and pen from his desk and joins me. He goes over some paperwork, privacy information and general groundwork for our sessions.
“Alright, now that we have that out of the way, tell me why you’re here.”
I rub my hands on my thighs. “I’m here because I don’t want to become my father, and I hate him for how he treated my family when I was growing up.”
“Okay. That’s specific and heavy. How about we start at the beginning. Tell me about your childhood.”
I tell him about my family dynamic, some events that stand out, the moments that took over my mind during the incident with Lewis. I speak about my mother’s love and the sacrifices she made, the relationship I have with my brother. In our hour of time, I just kept talking. Once I started speaking, there was so much I had to say. He didn’t say much in return, but he would ask me to elaborate on some things I said or just let me have a moment of quiet to collect my thoughts so I could continue.
“We’ve hit our hour mark. We covered a lot today, how do you feel?”
“Tired, but alright.”
“It will get easier once we work through these initial appointments. I’m going to give you some homework for our next meeting. Each day, I want you to write down a word to describe yourself or how you feel that day. Then write at least two sentences about why you chose that word. Bring that along with you for your next appointment.”
“Okay.”
We walk out to the reception area to set up my next appointment, agreeing, in the beginning, I’ll come in every two weeks. When I get to my truck, I close my eyes, leaning my head back. My brain feels like mush, but I feel good. I took the first step to work through these things that have weighed me down for so long. Now I just want to get home to Gigi.